Tales of the Marvellous and News of the Strange (Hardcover Classics)

by Malcolm C (Tr Lyons

  ‘Then she called for an ink-stand and paper and wrote: “In the Name of God the Compassionate, the Merciful:

  The letter came, and may I never be without the hands

  That played with it and filled it with their scent.

  I opened it and read it, and I found

  That it had come to cure my stricken heart,

  As though Moses had come back to his own,

  Or Joseph’s robe had come to his father.

  If this robe restored Jacob’s sight, your message has revived one who was on the brink of the grave. I took it in both hands and placed it over my head and my eyes, kissing every letter in it a thousand times.

  The letter came, brought by your messenger,

  And I placed it in longing on my heart.

  I opened it and read it and grasped what it said,

  Remembering the days when my love had no cloud.

  I’ll hold it in my hand the whole day long,

  And it will be beneath my pillow when I sleep.

  The tents of union will be pitched, the banners of meeting unfurled, and the breeze of gladness will blow as our dwellings are near. Cares have melted me away; sleeplessness has consumed me, and I pray that the One Whose hands hold the keys to our affairs may set in order the covenant of our union, and see to it that its mouth smiles. I say:

  A letter came and had its breath passed by a tomb,

  It would have brought to life the buried dead.

  When I read it I saw that, thanks to this,

  The people called down blessings on its memory.”

  She then shed tears and added these lines to her letter:

  “I swear by God that if my heart were searched,

  There would be nothing to find there except your love.

  Respect the rights of our companionship,

  And help me in my love, by God, by God.

  My greetings to you equal my longing for you, and if God Almighty wills it, I shall follow after my letter.”

  ‘She folded the letter and passed it to me, after which I took it to ‘Umair. I heard him reciting:

  Do you think love-letters between us have been banned,

  Or that the price of paper has become too high?

  You may have asked me how I was,

  But separation has destroyed my power.

  Although you are an enemy and not a friend,

  Yet enemies show mercy on their foes.

  ‘When I went in, as soon as he caught sight of me he rushed up to me and said: “Abu’l-Hasan, what are you bringing with you, wheat or barley?” “By God, it is wheat!” I told him and I gave him the letter. When he had opened it and read it he burst into tears and asked me whether Budur had written this with her own hand. I told him that she had, but he said: “No, Abu’l-Hasan, she would not be willing to write to me. You must have gone to a scribe and got him to write this because you were afraid that, if I didn’t get a reply, I would die.” When I insisted that she had written it herself, he said: “One of the maids who were attending on her when I was with her must have heard about my plight and have written this out of a feeling of pity for me lest I die.” I repeated that she had written it, but he said: “I should say that iron is more likely to turn soft and rock to melt than that her heart should show any compassion for me.”

  ‘Again I said that she had written it, and as I was talking with him Budur herself came in reciting:

  I visit you with no reproach for your harshness,

  For noble persons visit after being asked.

  Although a house be distant, longing brings it near,

  And those who feel this passion do not think it far.

  When he saw her he jumped up from under what was covering him and started to kiss her feet and her eyes, while she embraced him. They both began to weep, complaining of the pains of separation and what they had experienced of the bitterness of abandonment. I said to myself: “There is no god but God! These two are lovers who have not met for a year so I should leave them and go.” But when I got up to leave, Budur turned and called to me. When I answered she asked where I was going, and when I said that I was leaving she said: “Sit down. I told you at the start that there was no question of fornication or debauchery between us.”

  ‘I sat down, and ‘Umair had food brought for us, which we ate, after which we moved to the parlour, where we drank until midnight. I said to myself: “Kissing, yearning and the giving of oaths – I shall be in the way and so I should get up and leave them to sleep.” “Aren’t you going to stay with us until morning?” Budur asked, and I said: “It is for you to say, lady.” She said: “By God, if you get up, you will have to pay for the room,” so we sat and drank until morning. When it came she called to me and told me to go and fetch the qadi and the legal witnesses. When they came ‘Umair brought out a white satin robe and the marriage contract was drawn up, after which he brought out a purse with a thousand dinars, some of which he gave to the qadi and the witnesses and the rest he passed on to me. I took it, and Budur withdrew, while ‘Umair and I went on to spend eight days in eating, drinking and amusing ourselves, while she was putting her affairs in order.

  ‘On the eighth night she was brought to him as a bride, and he retired alone with her, while I slept in a place that had been set aside for me. Early next morning, when he and I went from the baths to the house, his face was like the shining sun, and I began to recite:

  She was the only fitting bride for him,

  And he for her the only fitting groom.

  If any other man had wanted her,

  An earthquake would have swallowed up the earth.

  I said to her: “The sparrow flies high and the hunter does nothing.” “What do you mean?” she asked, and I said: “While you are happy, I am sad. Where is the covenant that was between us?” She asked ‘Umair what he had promised me, and he said that he had promised me a thousand dinars if I brought him an answer. “My darling,” she said, “it was I whom he brought, so give him a thousand dinars and another thousand from me.” The two thousand dinars were produced, and after taking them I went off to present my services to the emir Muhammad son of Sulaiman. I stayed with him and took my grant, something I have continued to do until now.’

  Al-Rashid was astonished by the story and presented Abu’l-Hasan with a splendid robe of honour as well as generous gifts.

  This is the whole story. The blessings of God and His peace be on his Prophet, Muhammad our master, and on his family and his companions!

  Tale Nine

  The Story of Abu Disa, Nicknamed

  the Bird, and the Marvels of His

  Strange and Comical Story.

  In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful

  A story is told that in Baghdad, the City of Peace, there was a weaver named Abu Disa, whom people called ‘Usfur. He was a poor man with a wife and four daughters and every time he wove something for a customer he would steal some of the material. This went on until he had so much cotton that he wove it into a piece sixty cubits long, which he sold in the market for sixty dirhams.

  Taking the money with him, he passed ‘Arsat al-Hauz, where he saw a Persian astrologer surrounded by a crowd. The man was identifying names in the crowd and their lucky star and getting money from them. Abu Disa went home and told his wife about this. ‘Become an astrologer yourself,’ she said, ‘and then we can live off a dinar a day without you having to leave us in misery.’ ‘By God, woman, you must be mad!’ he exclaimed, pointing out that he was no good at reading, writing or arithmetic and could not speak well. ‘How can I become an astrologer? Do you want people to slap me?’ he asked. She said: ‘Don’t you see how well our neighbour the astrologer lives and how much he spends? If you don’t become an astrologer, divorce me.’

  Abu Disa loved his wife and so he asked her what to do. She said: ‘Take some old notebooks and sit on a carpet in the road calling out: “The diviner, the foreign astrologer! Who wants his fortune told?” People will come swarming round you.�
�� ‘And if anyone asks me what’s in the books, what am I to say, when I can’t read a single word?’ he asked. She said: ‘If anyone asks you that, say: “I am not a writer; I am an astrologer and a diviner.” ’ Then, when he asked where he was going to get the flowing robes, she told him that she would give him a shawl and a head cloth. She collected old notebooks for him and gave him an old carpet and a chair, saying: ‘This is all you need.’ ‘For God’s sake, woman,’ her husband said, ‘don’t make me try something I know nothing about so that people will laugh at me.’ She told him: ‘Don’t crack, or else divorce me.’ Because he loved her, he was forced to agree.

  Next morning he took the carpet and the rest of the stuff and went to the highway where the astrologers sat and prayed with his hand on his heart: ‘O Lord, Guide of the perplexed, guide me in my perplexity.’ He was sitting on a road that led to a certain bathhouse and cried out: ‘I am the astrologer, the diviner, the learned stranger!’ On hearing this people rushed up from all sides. They saw how he was dressed and what he looked like, with his long beard hanging over his navel, which he had dyed with henna. He was wearing the shawl and the head cloth and looking like an old pimp.

  Of those who gathered round him, one who knew him said: ‘This pimp is ‘Usfur the weaver, who has turned into an astrologer.’ They were laughing at him as he was crying out and turning over his notebooks, but just then the princess came out on her way to the baths, surrounded by her maids. She told one of them to find out what the shouting and commotion was about, and when the girl came back she told her that this was a new foreign astrologer, and the people round him were saying that no one like him had ever come to the city.

  At the time the princess was pregnant and she told the girl to go to the man and say: ‘My mistress wants you to look into the future for her. This dinar is a present for you, so look and see what her baby will be.’ The girl went off and said this, and ‘Usfur stretched out his hand and took the dinar, scarcely able to believe what was happening, as never in his life had he had a dinar in his hand or anything yellow apart from buckthorn berries. He exclaimed in gratitude and lifted the book up to his face before shaking his head and starting to turn over one page after another while biting his lip.

  He stayed silent for a time, not saying a word, and then he shook his beard and said: ‘This is a fortunate woman who will give birth to twins but not on earth or in the sky.’

  The girl went off and told this to the princess. As it happened this was on the night that she was due to give birth and when she got back to the palace she began to walk in its orchard. She got to a tree-house where the gardener used to sit and she expressed a wish to climb up so as to sniff the air there. When she had done this and had sat there for a time she fell into labour and when the midwife reached her she had not enough strength to come down and so she gave birth to a boy and a girl, just as ‘Usfur ‘the astrologer’ had said.

  As the good news of the birth of the twins spread, alms were distributed and drums beaten. As for the princess, next morning she gave orders that ‘Usfur was to be given a robe of honour, a mule and a thousand dinars. Her servants were told to find out where he lived and, after clothing him in the robe of honour and giving him the thousand dinars, they were to bring him to the gate of the palace so that she could see him.

  ‘Usfur, with the dinar in his hand, had waited until the servant girl had gone and he then closed the notebooks and rolled up the carpet, which he put over his shoulder, and, carrying the books in front of him, he ran home as though in flight. When he got there he told his wife that he had got a dinar but added: ‘I lied to the princess, and tomorrow they will come and hang me. This is the dinar, and if anyone comes looking for me say: “He’s not here, so take your dinar and go.” ’ ‘You’re mad,’ she told him, ‘get out and shut up.’ ‘You’re going to have your hand cut off for exposing me to this,’ he said, ‘for the first thing I shall tell them is that it was you who made me become an astrologer. Do you think I’m going to leave you safe and sound?’

  He spent the night thinking of all the disasters that were on their way, and next morning there were slaves and eunuchs at the door, asking for the house of the new astrologer, for they had been told that this was it. ‘Usfur shouted abuse at his wife, saying: ‘You told me to be an astrologer, and I shall tell them that you taught me, so you will be the first to be slapped. Get up and tell them: “He’s not here. He is a lunatic and doesn’t know what he is saying.” ’ He then got up himself and went around looking for a place to hide and, as the only one that he could find was the oven, he lowered himself into it and pulled the lid shut.

  As for his wife, when she heard the knock on the door she asked: ‘Who is there?’ A servant told her: ‘The princess wants the astrologer,’ to which she replied: ‘Master, he is a poor, wretched lunatic who doesn’t know what he is saying and here is the dinar.’ The servant said: ‘It’s you who are mad. The princess has sent him a thousand dinars, a mule and a robe of honour. Let him come down or else we shall wreck the house.’

  The woman went up screeching and looking for her husband, but when she found him in the oven the top of his hair was streaked and his face and body were covered with grime thanks to its dust. ‘Get up!’ she told him. ‘What have you done to yourself?’ ‘Damn you,’ he said; ‘go away from me and don’t let them come and see me.’ She again told him to get up, saying: ‘You’re in luck. The princess has sent you a thousand dinars, a mule and a robe of honour.’ ‘Put the robe round your neck!’ he exclaimed. ‘I was warm here, but you wouldn’t leave me.’

  He got out of the oven, looking as though he had just come from a bath stove, and opened the door. When he went out one of the princess’s men called to his friend: ‘What’s this?’ and the man said: ‘Look at the princess’s astrologer! What do you think, boy? He hasn’t washed his face for ten days.’ As the people fled away from him the servants asked: ‘What are you?’ ‘Usfur said: ‘Yesterday I was with a number of jinn on the princess’s business, making spells for her.’ They took him to the baths and cleaned him up before bringing him out and dressing him in his robe of honour.

  Then they tried to mount him on the mule, but he objected that it was too high for him and asked them to make it kneel down. They laughed at him and told him to put his foot in the stirrup, but he did this the wrong way round so that his face was pointing to its tail. As they laughed it farted, and he threw himself from its back, saying: ‘There’s a man under its tail!’ The groom laughed and mounted from the stirrups, pricking the mule with his spurs so that it moved off to the head of the lane. Just then a black dog crossed its path, making it buck so that the groom fell off breaking both his hand and his foot. He screamed out, telling his friend what had happened and saying that this was because he had wronged the astrologer. ‘Master,’ he said to ‘Usfur, ‘I did wrong as people like me do, while people like you forgive.’ ‘You despise a man and then mount his mule!’ said ‘Usfur, and when he moved his lips the groom said: ‘By ‘Ali, every time he is at odds with someone he gets the mule to throw him.’

  The servants then moved off, taking ‘Usfur with them to the princess. She told him: ‘You are now my astrologer and you will never again sit on the street or use your skill for anyone else. I shall give you a lump sum as well as enough pay to satisfy both you and your family.’ ‘Usfur said: ‘Lady, do you think that I like sitting in the street? It was because of you that I was there since I saw in the stars that you were going to go past me on your way to the baths.’ At that she gave him another robe of honour, and he left, riding on the mule, with servants escorting him to the door of his house. There he called ‘Bsh, bsh!’ to the mule, but it didn’t stop, and he had to tell the servants to repeat this to it or else it would throw him. They halted it and got him down before going off.

  He went up to his wife, who asked him what had happened to him. ‘You plunge me into difficulties and then say: “What happened to you?” Get up and let’s take all this and leave the city befo
re they come around to hang me. You won’t be safe yourself.’ ‘You faint-heart!’ she exclaimed. ‘Put your trust in God and keep quiet, for, by God, we’re never going to leave this city.’ ‘You’re only trying to get me killed,’ he objected, ‘but do you think that I’ll leave you after me? By God, I’m going to tell them that it was you who told me to do this, saying: “Become an astrologer and laugh at the people.” I’ll let them hang you first before me.’ Both of them then sat down to eat and drink.

  Some days later, as had been fated, the king’s treasury was burgled through a hole in the wall and purses containing ten thousand dinars were taken. A servant came to tell the king, who reacted with fury. ‘Bring the astrologers and the sand diviners so that they can look and see who took them,’ he ordered, for he had a great fondness for these people. He brought together twenty of them and told them that he wanted them to find the stolen money for him. They thought over the problem and made their calculations but could find no answer and were dismissed by the king. He was depressed, and when he went to his daughter she asked him why this was. He told her about the loss of the money and the failure of the astrologers. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ he said, ‘and my honour is affected.’ ‘What would you say if someone got the money back?’ she asked, and he answered that he would give him a thousand dinars from it, as well as a robe of honour and a mule. She said: ‘My foreign astrologer has no equal in the world and it was he who gave me the good news of my children’s birth.’ ‘For God’s sake, arrange for this quickly, little girl,’ the king said, and his daughter agreed.

  She sent off her servants to ‘Usfur, and when they got there they knocked at the door. He looked down from a window and then withdrew his head. ‘Bitch,’ he said to his wife, ‘the game is up. Here are the guards with their clubs ready to inflict punishment. Look and see what’s there, seven hundred of them’ – in fact, there were three – ‘so what am I to do?’ She got up and said: ‘Who is at the door?’ They said: ‘Is the astrologer there?’ ‘Say I’m not,’ ‘Usfur told his wife, but she said: ‘Yes, he’s just coming.’