My Fearful Symmetry

by Denise Verrico

  The others laughed again, looking in my direction to see if the legendary adept serenity was ruffled. I kept my gaze directed downward, but I seethed inside. “Thrice his weight in gold,” he called me, as if it were my name. They all knew me, many even did so biblically speaking, but none knew my true name or even bothered to ask when I went to their beds. The adept Shardul was a creature of fantasy. Their fantasy, not mine. The man Cedric MacKinnon didn’t exist to them, yet his soul cried out for recognition. The dagger’s cool blade lay quiet against my flesh, but my fingers itched again to draw and use it. I stole a glance at Kali Maa’s statue. Was it my imagination, or was she smiling on me?

  The laughter died down. Li Cheng grinned in a good-natured way. “Brother, we have a decision to make, let’s get back to business. Exalted Father—shall we put this proposition to a vote?”

  Kalidasa nodded in agreement. “Brothers, all those in favor of investing the former slave Kurt Eisen with eldership?” Hands went up around the room, five for and five against. Kalidasa intervened once more. “I cast my vote in favor. The proposal is adopted. Kurt Eisen will be invested and assume the place left vacant by Brovik the Northman. Concerning the issue of re-drawing borders in the western European territories? All in favor?” Again, five hands up while five remained dead still. Kalidasa cleared his throat. “I vote in favor. We will reconsider the borders.”

  “It is all very well for them,” Balthasar said. “They gain valuable territory, but for those of us whose borders don’t touch those lands in question, what are we to gain from this travesty?”

  Kurt cleared his throat. “I will protect your interests in North America.”

  “Why don’t you start with the diamonds your rats took two weeks ago from one of my couriers in New York?”

  The smallest of smiles curled the rebel’s mouth. He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels a bit. “Your courier is a rogue dog who has been harassing my people regularly. I’m sure we can resolve this matter and see that it doesn’t happen again—if he learns to mind his manners.”

  “You understand that if your rats meddle in my affairs it is war between us?”

  Kurt stared him down. “There will be no war. You’ll get your diamonds. All I need do is place a call. See that you do the same.”

  “Mind your own manners, boy. You haven’t been invested yet.”

  Kalidasa stretched out his arms and called for the ceremony of investiture to begin. All alphas and guards cleared the room. The rite was only to be witnessed by elders and servants of the Mother. Philip grinned and clasped Kurt’s hand. Chase Powers, the counselor, already had his mobile phone out, as if to spread the news to those waiting in New York.

  Sandhya signaled us to prostrate ourselves. Avijit invoked Mother Kali’s blessing. We repeated his invocations as Marco brought forward a ceremonial knife on a brocaded cushion. Kalidasa rose. He leaned on Sita and Padma and waddled toward Kurt. The inductee kneeled before the chief elder. Avijit removed Kurt’s coat. The rebel rolled up his left shirtsleeve. A series of numbers tattooed in blue ink stood out on his forearm. His Immortyl master hadn’t given this mark. I thought my mortal experience had been the depths of degradation. It didn’t come close.

  Kalidasa took up the knife and slashed his wrist, bleeding a few drops into Kurt’s open mouth. Then the inductee took the dagger and slashed open his to offer to Kalidasa. Kurt repeated Avijit’s words, swearing to honor the code and all its precepts. The adepts sang a song of praise for the Mother. Marco wiped the Kalidasa’s lips with a dainty napkin. When the ceremony ended, elders and adepts filed out of the room together. Avijit dabbed Kurt’s lips and fawned on him.

  Kurt must have sensed me watching. He turned and regarded me back, not as the others did with lust or derision, but with curiosity and even compassion. The tips of his fingers formed a steeple, and he made me a reverent bow. This time, I returned it. Avijit whispered into his ear, and he smiled. They left the chamber with the rest of Kurt’s party following. I watched after him, sensing this wouldn’t be our last meeting.

  Li Cheng’s hand landed on my shoulder. “Cedric, I will retire now.”

  I followed him out of the chamber, where Raj loitered, smoking as usual. He nodded to Li Cheng and ignored me. Hard to believe I’d ever loved the bastard. Li Cheng didn’t speak the entire walk across the gardens. His concentration had turned inward, leaving me at the mercy of my uncertain heart.

  The jungle night reverberated with the whirrs of insects and shrieks of night things. In the distance, the captive tigers growled and huffed to one another. Sweat plastered the silks to my skin. The embroidery scratched and chafed. The damned gewgaws and bracelets tinkled with every step. Paint melted on my face. I couldn’t wait to take them all off.

  Li Cheng’s mood lifted when we reached his rooms. The serving girls had brought cool wine, alongside the warmed blood for the ritual cup. He bade me to fill two wine glasses. “Sit and drink a toast with me. Soon we will do this on a nightly basis, my friend. A month isn’t long. I have much to do to make ready for your arrival. You will have the finest of apartments. And I seem to remember something about a fast car…” I poured the wine and took a place beside him. He raised his glass to me. “We shall drink to the future.”

  I raised mine. “The future.”

  I wished I could return his goodwill. He’d never been anything but respectful and decent. You can’t hide much from one so acute in his observation. The ancient searched my face, and his hand clasped mine. “But you are unhappy. Tell me what I can do to ease your pain?”

  So many in the compound taxed the air conditioning. “It’s stuffy in here.” I rose to throw open the doors to the garden. One of the tigers roared beyond the walls. In my mind, the beast paced around the perimeter fences, looking for an opportunity to escape. Stepping outside, I found no relief. A fountain decorated with verdigris-streaked figures of monkeys bubbled nearby. I sat on the edge and trailed my fingers in the water, wishing I could take a swim.

  Li Cheng slipped up behind me and brushed the hair back from my face. “What is troubling you?”

  “I go into seclusion tomorrow night. I’m not looking forward to it.”

  “That is not all.” He sank down beside me, and his hand dabbled the water. “I understand your apprehension. You’ve been lied to before, and your heart is broken. All I can do is promise that you will never know abuse or disrespect in my house.”

  “I appreciate that.” I turned to him. “Tell me something…when you set down the code, did you foresee this day?”

  “Not exactly, but I’ve always believed a man should be judged on his merits, not the accident of his birth.” He raised his eyes, looking off into the distant past. “Imagine a young man, well born but quite poor, the only thing in his favor was some talent with a sword and a distant connection to the imperial clan. Skill led him to become the tutor of a prince. Without this opportunity, he might have died a simple soldier.”

  “You?”

  “Yes. The prince persuaded his father to raise me to lordship. I would have given my life for him… Years later, he lay dying. I journeyed to India in search of a legendary font of immortality. I found it…but too late to save my prince.”

  “He was your lover?”

  “Indeed. He was about your age when we first met.” Li Cheng lifted my chin in his hand. “I can’t bear your sorrow. Smile for me.”

  I forced a smile. “I’ll do my best to serve you in honor.”

  He enfolded me in his arms. “You will be my honored guest and I your protector. Once I’ve trained you to defend yourself, you will be free to come and go as you please, with proper escort. My enemies would strike at you if they had the chance.”

  A barred door slammed over my soul. I was trapped again. No matter how much he cherished me, I’d never be free to walk in the night on my own. The tiger outside the walls roared once more.

  FIFTEEN

  Avijit woke me before sunset. He handed over a
set of plain cotton clothing much like my novice’s garb, ordering me to don it. Outside the door, Marco waited with a tray containing a pitcher and cup. They led me down the corridor of adepts’ chambers to a doorway. Avijit unlocked the door and opened it on a room no bigger than my novice’s cell, with the same sort of bare cot and altar. Only the Mother’s ebony image ornamented the room. Marco set his tray on the altar and lit a small candle below her.

  Avijit cleared his throat. “For the duration of one moon you will be confined here, partaking of no solid food, drinking only blood infused with special herbs to bring on visions. You will abstain from sexual activity. This signifies the death of your past incarnation and the time of waiting before rebirth. You will invoke Kali Maa to show you the path you must take. After your confinement you will declare your vocation to the Exalted Father and be taken to the sacred pool for purification and a ceremony of severance from your former master. Once this is complete, you will be led to your new lord and take part in the sharing ceremony to signify your rebirth. Any questions, brother?”

  “No.”

  “The Mother’s blessings upon you then.”

  “And you.”

  Marco embraced me. “My blessings on you as well, brother.”

  “Thanks, Marco.”

  Marco winked at me as he closed the door. Avijit scolded him for the hug as they walked away. Marco teased him for his jealousy. I envied them. How was it to love and be loved by an equal? Not to be possessed, but to be true companions? I sank down on the narrow cot and drained my portion of blood from the pitcher. My stomach rumbled. A twenty-year-old male is a twenty-year-old male even if an Immortyl. The meager ration of blood and no solid food were going to be hell. Celibacy for one month—not even a wank? An even crueler circle of hell. But how would they know if I did?

  Fuck them.

  The first hours weren’t so bad after all. The short rations left me a wee bit peckish, but the herbs suffused in the blood twined warm all through my arteries and veins. I dozed on and off, wishing I had my iPod for company. A little Bowie would have made things more tolerable.

  The candle sputtered out. The lovely high wore off. I lay in the dark, hungry and alone. Pain gnawed my head and gut. Images of Sandhya dancing in her sheer orange silks mocked. Her scent perfumed the chamber, but she wasn’t there, just her picture burning behind my eyelids and her presence rushing through my veins. I couldn’t escape her no matter how hard I tried.

  * * * *

  A slot opened in the door and a tray pushed through. Lamplight spilled in. Had it been twenty-four hours already? I took up the fresh candle, lit it and then pushed the old tray out. The slot closed, leaving me in the weird flickering glow. I sucked down my ration of blood. The Mother’s shadow danced on the wall, her many arms waving in rhythm. The herbs kicked in, but the vision they brought weren’t pretty or soothing. Her horrible mouth called me to dance with her. Those octopus arms drew me close to her, bloody lips slobbering at my throat.

  My beauty.

  Layers of silvery armor, like fish scales, formed around her figure. I’d never seen her like this before, scary, but with lovely hair and skin. She carried a bow and arrow.

  Shardul, my tiger, I am Durga!

  Durga was another of the Mother’s fierce forms. Why did she manifest in warrior garb to me? I opened my mouth to protest, but only a low growl poured out. Power flowed through my muscle and sinew. My clothes tore. Skin cracked and split open. I dropped to all fours, transformed into a tiger. The Goddess mounted my back and urged me onward, her armored weight no heavier than a leaf. My cat self bounded into the verdant jungle. Demons, more numerous than the trees, with howling heads of animals and the bodies of men, sprang out of the soil. They stank of rotted flesh. I leapt into battle with the Goddess clinging to me with her strong thighs. Durga struck out at the ghouls with weapon-wielding arms and I with claws. Sprays of crimson fell like the monsoon rains. Together we fought until every last monster lay vanquished. Body parts littered the ground around us. I lowered my head and lapped up the blood.

  A woman’s voice sang somewhere, low and soothing. Durga’s weight evaporated from my back. My tiger body morphed into that of a young man again. Ahead lay a jungle pool, surrounded by swarms of saturated orange flowers and foliage. A girl bathed there, golden skin glistening and hair rippling with the water she poured over her head. The drops flowed from her hair to her breasts, waist, and hips. I stood transfixed, unable to move from the spot. She turned to me and smiled. Her beaming face recalled the gilded image of Parvati. Or was it my Sandhya? I couldn’t tell. Too much light shone from all around her. I shrank back, as a creature of the night would, but she called, stretching out her arms.

  Shardul, my beautiful lover, don’t resist your karma.

  Desire for her throbbed through every molecule of my being. No, it went beyond corporeal bounds, flowing out into the ether. Colors radiated from both our bodies. Emotions more profound than lust drew us together, as if heaven ordained our union. I reached out to take her, plunging into her warmth. Every groove and muscle clung to me. We moved together with an ever-increasing beat, dancing to the throb of the tabla. Awareness exploded, and for one perfect instant body and soul melded with eternity. No pain there, just starry black stretching without end into space. I dove deeper into my Goddess’ body, trying to recapture our mystical coupling, but flames burst out from beneath me, and she was gone. I screamed.

  I awoke lying on the floor, muscles aching, sticky with my orgasm. My head pounded. Lack of blood had caught up with me. Fasting didn’t allow for bodily expenditures like this. I lay there a long time, shagged out and faint. My gut gnawed from within. Immortyls don’t usually feel this bad. Every part shivered with chills, although the room lacked air-conditioning. The candle had gone out. I made a mental note not to light the new one until my next round of hallucinations passed. Pulling myself up, I felt my way to the cot. Fearing Kali would invade my dreams I fought sleep.

  The slot in the door scraped open. A new tray appeared. Was this only my third night? I crawled down from the cot to pull in my ration and push out the old. The thought struck that there was nowhere to relieve myself, but with the lack of solid food and water, the urge had deserted me. My body processed every last drop of blood. I grasped the pitcher and chugged it down before creeping back to the cot. If horrifying visions came to call, I didn’t want to do so on a bare floor again. Closing my eyes, I prayed for Kali to leave me in peace.

  She materialized out of the black, her skin blending in, only the whites of her eyes and fangs glowing in the darkness. The room filled with blinding light. Her mouth curled back from her bloody jaws and screamed.

  Slave of lust!

  “I’m eternally a teenager for fuck’s sake. I have a sexual thought every thirty eight seconds.”

  You are mine!

  “I didn’t sign up for this.”

  You are my dasa, Shardul!

  “My name is Cedric, you bloody cow.”

  I am mother, lover, Goddess! You serve me, not your own lusts! I wear the dismembered limbs of my victims. Do you want me to add a part of you to the necklace?

  “Tell me what you want, and I’ll do it! That’s what they sent me in here for!”

  The path is clear if only you would see!

  She reached out and touched me right in the middle of the forehead. To my horror, another eye sprouted there and opened. My spirit escaped its flesh, and I saw myself, not as an adept dressed in silk with perfumed hair and glittering ornaments, but as a warrior. My torso glistened with perspiration and the glow of a smoldering fire. A long sword in my hand dripped gore. Blood and fire flowed like lava over scores of dismembered bodies. The rotting fruit stench of death rose from every place I tread.

  Kali loomed before me, bearing a corpse with long, dark hair. Whether it was man or woman I couldn’t tell. Her slobbering mouth feasted on the limp body. She looked up to smile and then lowered her arms to share her victim. The body she carried was
curved like a woman’s with full breasts and hips. Hair obscured the face and neck.

  Drink my love and be reborn.

  I scraped back the locks and prepared to drink. The face was Sandhya’s. A cry of terror ripped from my throat.

  Nights and days passed with an unvarying horror. I shivered, trying not to drink the blood they brought me, but starvation won out every time. My mind wandered down paths where no one should go. What in heaven’s name was the meaning of this torture? None of it made sense.

  * * * *

  Light bled through the slot in the door. I rolled into a sitting position and rubbed my head in my hands. How long I’d been in seclusion? What was I supposed to see? All these nightmares only succeeded in frightening me. Dragging myself on my belly to the door, I gulped my ration down. No use sending the empty pitcher back. My body navigated the floor through the litter of trays and vessels to the sleeping pallet. I pulled myself up and onto my back. Warmth flowed through my veins, and for the first time in a long time I felt really well, the way a well-fed Immortyl usually does. I sighed and reached down to caress my first erection in many nights. “Missed you…” I drifted into a relaxing slumber.

  A deep chuckle filled my ears and a light snapped on. Liu Li Cheng held me in his arms. Was this just another vision? It couldn’t be. Every detail of his chamber stood out in sharp detail. The warmth of his flesh imbued mine. A lock of pure white hair brushed my face. I clutched the red and gold covers, the brocade cool and slippery to the touch. The unmistakable scent of rut filled my nostrils. This couldn’t be a dream. They must have drugged me so much that I would go quietly with the elder and not put up a fight. I sat up and stretched my arms, feeling the strength returning, flexing my fingers. The urge to take up my guitar again filled me.

  Li Cheng’s lips grazed my ear. “The herbs are powerful. You were in a stupor for a long time.”

  I ran my hands over my eyes to clear the sleep crust away. “It was dreadful. I had horrible bloody dreams of Kali. It was like I was going mental.”