Kate’s Song

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  Kate placed a hand on Maria’s arm. “Everything will turn out right, Lord willing.”

  “Be still, and know that I am God.”

  They sat in silence for a few minutes, Alex wriggling to be set down. Maria loosened her hold on him and let him play with her necklace instead.

  “I missed you bad, Kate,” she said.

  “I missed you too.” Kate reached out and stroked Alex’s silky cheek. “I can only stay until the hearing is over. I hope you are not disappointed.”

  “Of course, I want you to stay. Carlos has a major crush on you. But it would be selfish of us to keep you away from where you truly want to be. Go back to Nathaniel and make a dozen babies and bake bread and sew quilts. You’ll be in Amish heaven. Who am I to begrudge you your happiness?”

  “Thank you,” Kate said, her face relaxing into a smile. “I hoped you would understand.”

  Carlos burst through the front door and spread his arms wide. “Here I am, girls. Now the fun can begin.”

  “Don’t you ever knock?” Maria said, rising and hugging her brother while Alex wriggled between them.

  “Don’t you ever lock your door?” He took the baby from Maria and tossed him into the air. Alex giggled with glee.

  Maria snatched Alex away before Carlos could toss him again. “My son is not your ball.”

  “So,” Carlos said, clapping his hands together and ignoring his sister, “I’m going to take both of you out to dinner.”

  “I can’t afford it,” Kate said.

  “Me and Maria already discussed it,” Carlos said. “You’re babysitting for her, so we’re supporting you—until you start school and custody is settled.”

  Maria cleared her throat and glanced at Kate. “Or until you go back to Apple Lake.”

  Carlos feigned astonishment. “Go back to Apple Lake? Why would you ever want to do that?”

  Maria turned her back on her brother and rolled her eyes at Kate. “Don’t listen to him,” she whispered.

  Kate stood and headed for her temporary bedroom. “Before we go, can I use your cell phone to call Nathaniel? I left so suddenly today, and I want to make sure he got my message.”

  Carlos pulled an imaginary dagger from his belt and stabbed himself in the heart. “Who can think of Nathaniel when Carlos is before you?”

  Rolling her eyes again, Maria pointed to her phone sitting on the counter. Kate smiled indulgently at Carlos, took the phone into the bedroom, and closed the door.

  Sitting on the bed, she dialed the number to Nathaniel’s workshop. The phone rang and rang. Kate swallowed her disappointment. It was Sunday. How could she expect him to be in his shop on Sunday?

  “This is King’s Cabinetry. Please leave a message.”

  Kate’s heart skipped a beat. Just hearing his voice was a thrill.

  “Nathaniel, I am sorry I left so suddenly today. Please call me when you get a chance. I am staying with my friend, Maria. Her number is 555-432-8492.”

  She wouldn’t give away her good news over the phone. She wanted to see the look in his eyes when she told him. She wanted him to see the look in hers.

  * * * * *

  Nathaniel’s movements echoed against the walls of his dark workshop. Not even a hint of moonlight illuminated his surroundings as he felt for the matches in the table drawer. Although blind in the darkness, he knew exactly where the propane lamp stood steadfastly in the corner of his shop. He made his way to it and struck the match. Light hissed out of the blackness, bathing his workshop in line and murky shadow.

  He had driven his buggy barely three miles out of Apple Lake before pulling it off to the side of the road and heading nowhere in particular on foot. He had walked all day, trudging through muddy pastures and thick stands of trees, exerting his body to keep his mind empty.

  Long after dark, he finally surrendered to the welcome fatigue and drove slowly home. But he would not get any sleep tonight. His very skin seemed worn raw with painful emotion.

  A single red dot blinked on and off on the far wall like a lone stoplight on a deserted highway. He stumbled to his answering machine, dazed and exhausted, and pushed the button.

  Dizziness almost overcame him when he heard her voice.

  “Nathaniel, I am sorry I left so suddenly today. Please call me when you get a chance. I am staying with my friend, Maria. Her number is 555-432-8492.”

  He staggered to a chair and stared numbly at the machine as the nice woman inside the box droned on and on. “To erase this message, press seven. To save it, press nine.” Nathaniel didn’t have the will to stand. After several lonely beeps, the machine gave up trying to get a response and fell silent.

  The quiet had always been Nathaniel’s friend, enveloping him in a warm blanket of his own thoughts. But now it seemed to press in on him like an invisible shroud, stealing the very air around him.

  His moan cut the silence like a wounded beast throwing its anguish to the sky. “Oh, Nightingale,” he cried, “don’t call me. Don’t call me.” The fragile dam holding the flood at bay snapped and released the torrent. Burying his face in his hands, he sobbed until every last ounce of his strength was spent.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The diminutive clerk slowly counted out Nathaniel’s change. “Take this receipt to the back, Nathaniel, and the boys will load the bags in your wagon.”

  “Denki,” Nathaniel said, unable to remember the man’s name. He didn’t really even want to try. What did it matter?

  The clerk managed a wan smile. Without meeting Nathaniel’s eyes, he said, “Have a gute day yet.” Was it his imagination, or did everyone Nathaniel encountered give him that same pathetic smile? Was no one brave enough to look him in the eyes? Did they all have to conceal their pity with fake cheerfulness and forced conversations?

  Nathaniel clomped his boots heavily on the store’s cement floor as he walked to the door. Every step, every movement of his body took so much effort. His foot clanked against a bucket of birdseed, and two men at the counter glanced in his direction and then put their heads together and exchanged hushed words. Nathaniel pretended not to notice.

  The bell tinkled weakly as he stepped out into the sunlight. He squinted, letting his eyes adjust to the glaring brightness of noon. Why did the days have to be so sunny? He just wanted to bury himself in a shadowy corner of his workshop and absorb the darkness.

  Nathaniel walked around to the back of Troyer’s Feed and Supply, where his wagon and team stood ready. The Troyer brothers, neither a day over fourteen years old, met him at the back and loaded his bags of feed into the wagon.

  “When do you have to go back to school?” Nathaniel asked, giving them a hand. If he wanted to ever feel cheerful again, he had to start acting cheerful.

  Adam smiled at him tentatively. “Two weeks. This is my last year. Abraham has to go two more years yet.”

  “Almost done, then.”

  “Jah, and after that, I work for my dat full-time.”

  They loaded the last of the bags and shook hands. “Denki,” Nathaniel said. “I will see you next time.”

  Nathaniel stood and watched the boys saunter back to the warehouse. He wished he could go back to the days when he had no other care in the world besides how quickly he finished his chores. He furrowed his brow. That kind of happiness seemed impossibly long ago.

  Before Nathaniel climbed up to the seat of his wagon, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and immediately felt a mixture of elation and gloom.

  “Elmer,” he said, forcing the name out of his throat before it choked him.

  Elmer, with his head still in a protective bandage, gave him a defeated look, threw his arms around Nathaniel’s neck, and sobbed uncontrollably. Nathaniel folded his arms around Kate’s brother and held on with a vice grip.

  They stood like that until Elmer found his voice. “I don’t understand, Nathaniel. I don’t understand why she would leave like that without even saying good-bye. I was in the hospital. She didn’t even wait to see me ou
t of the hospital.”

  Nathaniel wanted to say something, but he had no words of comfort to give.

  Elmer pulled away and wiped his eyes. “Have you heard anything from her? It’s been a week. We expected at least a letter by now.”

  Nathaniel was silent as he thought of the three messages sitting on his answering machine. More than once he had come dangerously close to picking up the phone and calling Kate, but he resisted because he knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted to apologize, to relieve her mind and burden his with an explanation. But he refused to talk to her until he felt he could reasonably converse without bawling like a baby or begging her to come home. For her sake as well as his, he would not let her see the devastation she left behind. He wanted to be able, with composure, to tell her that her family would be okay, that he would be okay—to hide how badly she had hurt him and avoid making her feel worse than she already felt. He knew how agonizing the decision had been for her.

  “I haven’t had a letter,” Nathaniel said.

  “Aaron practically camps by the mailbox every day waiting for the mailman, but we haven’t heard anything. I just don’t understand.”

  Nathaniel took off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair. He had given up trying to understand. “She decided to go back to school, and she couldn’t face telling us. So she left.”

  “The Kate I know would have courage enough to explain.” Elmer wiped his eyes again. “I don’t understand.”

  Nathaniel had nothing to give Elmer. He couldn’t reach inside for assurances that weren’t there. They stood staring at each other. “Got to get back to the shop,” he finally said, taking a step closer to the wagon. “Tell your parents hello.”

  Elmer furrowed his brow. “Why don’t you go get her?”

  Groaning, Nathaniel massaged the back of his neck. “Ach, no, Elmer.”

  Elmer jumped in front of him before he could climb into his wagon. “Go find her. Talk her into coming back.” Nathaniel shook his head vigorously while Elmer persisted. “If anyone could convince her, you could. I know she would listen to you.”

  Nathaniel folded his arms across his chest and gave Elmer a stern look. “She spent the better part of two years making this decision. It was, and will ever be, the hardest decision of her life. I want her to be happy. How happy would I make her if she knew how miserable her decision has made me?” That grief kept him pacing his room at night, made him unable to eat or work or…pray. “She left without talking to us in person because she did not want to see that pain.”

  Elmer, breathing heavily, leaned against the wagon for support. “You are trying to be noble,” he said quietly.

  Nathaniel shook his head. “I am trying to survive.”

  “Today I wish you were not such a good man.”

  They stood for a long time, staring up at the shade trees that towered over Troyer’s property. A light breeze shuffled through the leaves.

  An approaching team and wagon jolted Elmer from his thoughts. He rubbed his eyes and glanced toward the street. “I’m going,” he said, “before anyone sees me like this.” He bolted for the cover of the trees behind the warehouse.

  A buckboard pulled up to the warehouse and creaked to a halt. “Hullo there, Nathaniel.”

  Junior Yutzy and Emmanuel Schwartz jumped from the high seat.

  “Antique, isn’t it?” Junior said, smiling and motioning to his wagon. “This thing is so old, my dawdi’s dawdi used it back in the day. Every time it breaks down, we patch it up and put it back on the road. If I took a match to it tonight, no one would be the sorrier.”

  “Jah, very old,” Nathaniel said. “I can hear it complain from a mile down the road.”

  Emmanuel Schwartz came around the other side and took off his work gloves. “Hello, Nathaniel.”

  They shook hands. Emmanuel Schwartz, Sarah and Ada’s brother, had grown so tall that he could see eye to eye with Nathaniel.

  Of a solemn disposition like his dat the bishop, Emmanuel examined Nathaniel’s face as if he were trying to look into Nathaniel’s soul. His frown made him look much older than his seventeen years. At least he wasn’t afraid to meet Nathaniel’s gaze—or to tackle a topic straight on. “I am very sorry about what happened with Kate,” he said.

  The sincerity in his tone caught Nathaniel off guard. He couldn’t brush off such heartfelt sympathy. “Denki,” he said, meeting Emmanuel’s eye. “I—I was very sad, but, Lord willing, the pain will go away in time. I hope she will be happy now.”

  “You are a gute man, Nathaniel,” Junior said, glancing at Emmanuel. “If it were me, I do not know if I would be able to forgive her.”

  “There is nothing to forgive,” Nathaniel said. “She chose the path she thought God wanted her to choose.”

  “Nae,” Junior said. “I’m referring to the boyfriend. The man who came to get her.”

  Nathaniel stared at Junior in confusion. “He wasn’t her boyfriend.”

  Junior’s eyes darted from Nathaniel to Emmanuel. “We passed by the Weavers’ house on the way to gmay last week. Kate and the man were standing by his truck, hugging.”

  Nathaniel rubbed his forehead. “Who was he? Did you see his face?”

  “Dark skin. Young like Kate. I don’t know. Their touching, it seemed improper.”

  Nathaniel felt the tension pull at his shoulders. “You think it was her boyfriend?”

  Junior looked at Nathaniel’s face and suddenly didn’t seem so eager to share what he knew. “We were passing by. I didn’t get a good look. We were just passing. The Herschbergers saw them. Ask Marvin.”

  Emmanuel held his hand up to hush Junior.

  Nathaniel tried a reassuring look. “Thank you for being concerned.” He climbed into the seat of his wagon. “Everything will be all right. Everything will be all right, Junior. Good luck with your wagon. May it give your family a hundred more years of service, Lord willing.”

  Junior cracked a smile. “Denki, Nathaniel. But I hope not. Perhaps today I will drive it into the lake.”

  * * * * *

  Nathaniel was waiting in the barn when Aaron came to fetch the Weavers’ horse and buggy. In spite of the paralyzing emotions swirling in his head, Nathaniel had repaired the shattered wheel, replaced the broken glass, and framed a new storm front. It was as good as new. Better than new, even, or Nathaniel wasn’t worth his salt as a carpenter. Aaron had promised to stop by Nathaniel’s later today and drive the buggy home.

  A thin streak of afternoon sun materialized across the floor as Aaron stuck his head around the barn door. “Nathaniel, how are you? I’ve come for dat’s buggy.”

  Nathaniel’s frustration grew with Aaron’s blatant cheerfulness, and he decided not to beat around the bush. “Why didn’t you tell me about Kate and the man?”

  The question seemed to throw Aaron off guard, and he sauntered farther into the barn. “What exactly didn’t I tell you?”

  “Did they hug?”

  Aaron seemed thoughtful. “They were very happy to see each other,” he offered, studying Nathaniel’s face.

  Nathaniel let out a heavy breath. Could anything in his life get worse? “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He could see Aaron weighing his words carefully, debating what he should say and what he should not. “I did not want Kate to be hurt by such talk.”

  Nathaniel folded his arms and eyed Aaron skeptically. “You are not telling me the truth.”

  “You accuse me of bearing false witness?”

  “Kate’s reputation has never been your concern.”

  Aaron scowled and took a few steps away from Nathaniel. “Hiding the truth can sometimes be the best thing,” he said, measuring each word before it came out of his mouth. “The harlot Rahab hid the spies of Joshua and lied to the king to save their lives. She and her entire family were spared because of her deceit.”

  “So you are protecting your family?”

  Aaron sat on the workbench, rested his elbows on his knees, and stared at the ground
. “I did not think you would believe my story of the excitement I saw in her face when that man touched her. It would paint a very unflattering picture of Kate.”

  Defeated and tired and growing more despondent by the hour, Nathaniel sank next to Aaron on the bench. It took Nathaniel every ounce of humility he had to look Aaron in the eye. “Why wouldn’t she tell me?”

  “Who can say?”

  “Is she someone I only thought I knew?” Nathaniel whispered, more to himself than Aaron.

  “I know she got many letters from Milwaukee.”

  Nathaniel buried his face in his hands. “Why did she even come back? Why, if she had a boyfriend and a better life in Milwaukee, would she come back to torment us?”

  “You saw her injuries. She came back to get away from trouble.”

  A sick, nauseated feeling washed over Nathaniel. “Do you think that man, that boyfriend…?” He could hardly shape the word in his mouth. “…that boyfriend hurt her? That she left him in Milwaukee and later decided to go back to him?”

  Aaron threw up his hands. “I do not know. How can I guess of the wickedness in her heart?”

  The wickedness in her heart. If Aaron had said those words a week ago, Nathaniel would have responded with outrage. But now he did not know what to think, did not know how to defend Kate. Confusion, disgust, grief, all clouded his judgment. How could he ever get to the heart of the truth?

  He didn’t want to talk anymore. Without a word, he stood and led the Weavers’ horse from his stall. Rollie had healed nicely, with no outward sign of any damage to the leg but a small scar where the hair would not grow back.

  Aaron came up behind him. “I am indeed sorry to burden you with this,” he said. “Kate’s presence here did no one any good. Your mamm was against it. My parents felt the shame of her choices. Elmer and I disagreed over how to deal with her. She is too much in love with the world. You see that now. Perhaps knowing what she really is will make it easier for you to move on. To forget.”

  Nathaniel obstinately held his tongue and led the horse to the buggy. Aaron hesitated and then swallowed whatever he was going to say next. After they hitched up the horse, Nathaniel opened the wide doors and Aaron drove out of the barn and down the lane.