Kate’s Song

by Jennifer Beckstrand

  As soon as he caught sight of Kate, he practically sprinted to the table and slipped into the chair next to her. “How are my favorite girls in the world?” he said.

  “We’re okay,” Shannon said.

  “Not you, Shannon,” Carlos said. “I was talking about Kate and Chelsea here.”

  Shannon cuffed Carlos on the arm.

  “Hey, you’re definitely in my top one hundred,” Carlos said. He tried to dodge another blow.

  Carlos and Shannon considered each other for a moment before Carlos cleared his throat and stuck his hand into his pocket. “A letter came for you today to my apartment.”

  “Me?” Kate said.

  He handed her a crinkled envelope that had her mother’s handwriting across the top. Kate laid it on the table and smoothed it carefully with her hands. “It’s from Mamma,” she whispered.

  “Good,” said Carlos. “I was beginning to think you didn’t actually have a family.”

  Chelsea stood up. “Walk me to the rehearsal hall, Carlos. It’s on your way.”

  Carlos and Chelsea walked away and still Kate smoothed the wrinkled letter over and over with her hand.

  Shannon watched Kate expectantly. “Are you going to open it?”

  “I’m afraid of what it will say.”

  “Do you want me to have a look at it first?”

  Her fear seemed irrational, even to herself. “Will you read it to me?”

  “Okay,” Shannon said. She took a miniscule pink fingernail file from her purse and slit the envelope. Unfolding the single sheet of paper, she looked at Kate doubtfully. “Are you sure?”

  Kate nodded.

  Shannon glanced around her and swallowed hard.

  “Dear Kate, Nathaniel gave me this address and said this is where you are staying. I hope you are not angry at me for writing. We have tried to respect your wishes and leave you alone. I understand that you have made the choice not to join the Church and to stay at the academy. Your dat and I love you. If this is what truly brings you happiness, then we are happy. We will miss you terribly, but do not worry, we can manage without you. The grands are getting old enough to be a big help at harvesttime. Do not worry. We will be good.

  “We long for you to visit us. You do not need to stay very long. I will not ask you to see anyone you do not wish to see. It is true, Nathaniel was very unhappy when you left, but please do not worry about him. He will heal in time, Lord willing. He is already seeing Sarah Schwartz several times a week, and Aaron tells us that they like each other very much. He deserves much happiness. Hopefully he can find it with Sarah.

  “The harvest will be shortly upon us. Elmer is not looking forward to the cider pressing, but Dat told him it builds muscles. If he wants to impress the girls, he will do the pressing.

  “We love you and miss you. Please, write to us so we know you are safe and happy. We will look every day for your letter. Love, Mamma.”

  An ache of loneliness pulled at Kate from far away. “Nathaniel,” she whispered.

  Shannon folded the letter and placed it on the table. “So, that’s it.”

  “When did I ever tell them I wished to be left alone?” Kate propped her elbow on the table and rested her forehead in her hand. “God is punishing me. And I cannot bear the chastisement.”

  “No, no. Don’t ever believe that,” Shannon said. “Not every bad thing that happens to you is because some celestial being is angry. I think it would be much more like God to be merciful than vengeful, don’t you?”

  Kate straightened and looked at Shannon in wonder. She seemed to recall having this very conversation with Nathaniel’s mother. Except at that time, she was attempting to convince Miriam of God’s mercy. And here was Shannon, trying to convince her.

  But she didn’t believe it anymore. After all she’d been through, she’d be naive to let God run her life. She’d seen where that had taken her.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Nathaniel sat in silence, eating his obligatory helping of potatoes and corn, when he heard a soft knock at the back door.

  “I’ll get it,” Mamm said, hurrying into the room, as if she constantly stood at her post just inches outside the kitchen doorway.

  Two little boys, no more than six years old, stood on the back porch and looked longingly into the house. “Can Nathaniel play?”

  “Nathaniel, you have some visitors.” Mamm opened the door wide and glanced at Nathaniel expectantly.

  He rose slowly and dropped his napkin on the table. “Hello, Toby. Who is your friend?”

  “My cousin Yost,” said the first little boy. “He wants to play baseball.”

  Nathaniel went to the door and his mamm backed away. “I’m sorry, Toby. I can’t play tonight.”

  Toby stared at Nathaniel with wide, puppy-dog eyes. “My dat bought a new bat.”

  “Tonight’s not a good night,” Nathaniel said.

  “Yost ain’t gonna be here long,” Toby said, “and he wants to see you hit.”

  Yost grinned, revealing a sparse collection of teeth, and he nodded enthusiastically.

  “Sorry, boys. Maybe some other time.”

  Yost turned and clomped down the porch steps, but Toby held his ground. “You never play anymore,” he said putting his hands into his pockets and planting his feet. “Just for a few minutes?” Toby said, pitching his voice a little higher for dramatic effect.

  Nathaniel studied Toby’s face. He frowned and tapped the boy’s hat brim up a few inches. “It’s like this, Toby. I’ve got to start acting like a grown-up now, and that means I’m not going to play ball with you anymore.”

  Toby hung his head as if he’d found out he had to go to school for the rest of his life. “But you are the best player.”

  “You’ll have to find another best player.”

  Toby shuffled his feet, gave Nathaniel one last disappointed look, then turned and trudged down the steps.

  Nathaniel closed the door and turned to see his mamm watching him in concern. “You love baseball.”

  Nathaniel rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you want me to do, Mamm? Do you want me to go out there and play with them?”

  “If you want to play, go play.”

  “Will that make you happy?” Nathaniel said. “I’ll do whatever you want me to.”

  “I want you to do what you want. When I see you so miserable, I know that the only thing I want in life is to see my son happy again.”

  “Do you really believe that? Because three months ago I was deliriously happy. And that wasn’t good enough for you. She wasn’t the girl you wanted, so you resisted. You tried to separate us, without regard to my happiness.”

  “I was right, wasn’t I?”

  Nathaniel threw up his arms. “Yes. You were right. And aren’t you delighted about it?”

  “I am glad she isn’t here to break your heart.”

  “Too late.”

  Mamm took Nathaniel’s face in her hands. “I want you to heal. I long to see that smile that was always there, which I haven’t seen since she left. I want your life to work out well, Lord willing.”

  He turned away from her. “Then you should be quite pleased with yourself. Everything you’ve schemed and planned for all these years is coming to fruition. By this time next year, I’ll be published with the bishop’s daughter—the girl of your dreams.”

  “She is worthy of your affection. Kate was not.”

  “How satisfying it must be for you to say ‘I told you so’—the phrase every mother would love to be able to say to her son.”

  “Nae, I never wanted things to turn out like this.” Mamm reached her hand out to him. He backed away. “I don’t mean to make light of what you are going through, but when that feeling subsides—and it will—you will be able to judge what you really want, what will truly make you happy.”

  Nathaniel staggered and leaned against the kitchen counter for support. “I don’t live for my own happiness. There is no such thing anymore.”

  “In time,
you will be glad things worked out as they did. You will realize you didn’t really love her.”

  Nathaniel stared at his mother in disbelief before his incredulity melted into resignation. If it made Mamm happy to believe that he had never been in love in the first place, let her believe it. In a few weeks she would start calling the whole relationship an infatuation, and in a matter of months, she would cease to think of it as more than a passing acquaintance.

  His relationship this summer had been an uphill battle against Mamm and the Amish community and, it seemed, the world at large. But it pained him that his own mamm could discount his feelings simply because she wished to.

  However, his disappointment in Mamm paled in comparison to the powerful anguish swirling like a tornado inside his head. In moments of weakness—which came every minute of every day—the wounded man deep inside him cried out for her. Nothing could subdue the need.

  He took a deep breath to clear his head. He was late for his Scrabble date with Aaron, Ada, and Sarah. As penance for his tardiness, he’d give Sarah a big kiss.

  Anything to make Mamm happy.

  Nathaniel ran his fingers through his hair then bolted for the door.

  He had to get out.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “Kate, those runs are atrocious.”

  Kate massaged the back of her neck. “I’m sorry, Dr. Dibble. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “Come down here.” Dr. Dibble was a small man, short and thin, and had been teaching at the academy for what Dr. Sumsion swore was over a century. He sat in the darkened auditorium in the exact middle seat, shouting instructions to his singers like a disembodied spirit.

  Kate shuffled off the stage and down the steps to the seat next to Dr. Dibble. He tapped his pen on the score in his lap and peered at Kate over the top of his glasses. “Four weeks of rehearsals and you haven’t sung these passages correctly yet.” He pointed at the measures in question. “This entire show falls on Juliette’s shoulders. If you can’t work out this mental block with ‘Je Veux Vivre,’ I’ve got three girls standing in the wings to take your place.”

  “Jah…Yes, I’ll do better.”

  “Good. Now go do it again. Rosemary, take it from the top.”

  Kate sighed and plodded back up to the stage. If she didn’t feel so drained and depressed all the time, she’d be able to muster some sort of joyful emotion for “Je Veux Vivre” or, as she reminded herself of the English translation, “I Want to Live.” Dr. Dibble seldom complained about Kate’s death scene. Her performance, he told her, was right on the money.

  The piano plinked along merrily while Kate concentrated on her breathing technique for the first run. Out of the corner of her eye, a figure entered the side door of the auditorium and sat in the front row on the end seat. She chanced a look in that direction. Elmer! In full Amish garb, sitting comfortably in his chair, smiling at his own cleverness.

  Kate nearly called for a halt to the music. She ached for just one hug from her brother. Instead, she let the thrill of seeing Elmer soar from her mouth to the back of the auditorium. The top notes spun from her head, and the trills escaped freely and effortlessly from her lips. “Je Veux Vivre.” I want to live. Take that, Dr. Dibble.

  The piano sounded the last decisive chord, and Kate actually heard the frail Dr. Dibble clap three times. His voice echoed through the darkness. “Much better. Take five minutes and we’ll run through ‘Ange Adorable.’”

  Kate bolted down the steps and breathlessly flew into Elmer’s arms. “This is the best thing that’s happened to me in weeks,” she said, laughing.

  “That was a wonderful-gute song. I want to hear it again.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I told Mamma that if I looked at one more apple, I’d be laid down till Christmas. She gave me leave to come see you. I paid for the bus, but I have to get back on it at seven o’clock.”

  “Ach. I’ve got rehearsal for another hour at least.”

  “Kate, is this him?” Chelsea stood on the stage, curiously studying the siblings.

  Kate latched onto Elmer’s arm. “This is my brother, Elmer.”

  Chelsea continued across the stage. “He’s pretty cute for an Amish guy.”

  She disappeared behind the curtain as Elmer puffed out his chest. “See? Even the Englisch girls think I’m gute-looking.”

  “And you carry the sweet aroma of apples wherever you go. That must attract a lot of girls. Or bees.”

  Elmer tugged on Kate’s ponytail. “You try swimming elbow-deep in cider for two weeks. My fingernails are permanently stained, I think.” He held out his hands, palms down, for Kate to examine.

  “Where did the bus drop you off?”

  “At the north station. Then I took a city bus to the address Mamma gave me, and the man directed me here.” Elmer looked at Kate anxiously. “Is that where you are living?”

  “What address did Mamma give you?”

  Elmer pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. “This one.”

  Kate looked at the address. “Nae, this is Carlos’s apartment. That is where Mamma sent her letter.”

  The color moved up Elmer’s neck to his face. “Who is Carlos? Is he… Do you have a relationship with him?”

  Kate made a face. “Nae, of course not. He is a friend, part of Maria’s family. He takes good care of her. Like you do with me.” She poked him in the ribs.

  Elmer still seemed unhappy. He looked down at his shoes. “Why do your letters go to his apartment?”

  “I do not know,” Kate said. “I don’t know how Mamma could have gotten that address.”

  Her sincerity must have placated Elmer. “He is not your boyfriend?”

  “Why would you think such a thing?”

  They both immediately fell serious. Silence persisted between them until Elmer grabbed her hand and pulled her to sit. “Nathaniel is dating Sarah Schwartz. I guess you heard.”

  “Jah.”

  “He didn’t even try to win you back.”

  Kate cleared her throat. “Let us not mention such things.” She ran her fingers through Elmer’s tawny hair as tears stung her eyes. “How’s your cut?”

  He tilted his head and probed his scalp with his fingers. “Seventeen stitches. My hair will never lay straight again.”

  The memory hijacked Kate’s senses: the noise, the singing, the look of unfettered eagerness in Nathaniel’s eyes, the flash of revelation she would never experience again.

  Pay no heed. Let it pass.

  She forced cheer into her voice. “It seems like years instead of weeks since I last saw you.”

  “Not since the accident,” Elmer said. He focused his attention on the empty stage. “Why did you leave without saying good-bye?”

  A dark cloud settled over Kate. “I will regret that forever. I should not have been in such a hurry.” She sniffed. “But it is better this way. Mamma and Dat are happier without me. I do not cause trouble for them. They no longer have to be ashamed of their worldly daughter.”

  Puzzlement and frustration etched lines onto Elmer’s youthful face. “I do not understand you. You left Apple Lake because you thought it would make us happy?”

  “That is why I stayed away. No one wants a proud, wicked daughter and sister.”

  Elmer growled. “Kate, that is Aaron talking. No one for a minute believes we are better off without you. No one.” He averted his eyes and rubbed his chin. “Except for Aaron.”

  “Jah, he has told me many times.” Kate thought of Aaron’s letter. She knew what everyone truly thought. “I called Nathaniel on the phone. He made it clear he does not want me back either.” Kate wiped the tears from her face. A man of peace did not want a wife who had caused the death of another human being.

  Elmer laced his fingers with Kate’s. “We avoid each other. He tried to help with the pressing once, but I made him feel unwelcome.”

  “How did you do that?”

  “I told him he was unwelcome.” A half sm
ile flitted across Elmer’s face.

  “Don’t treat him differently on my account,” Kate said.

  “Not after how he’s treated my sister.”

  Kate found it impossible to speak.

  “He’s different, Kate. He and Aaron talk all the time about how a man must avoid the ways of the world. I begged him—‘Call her up, go to Milwaukee and see her, do something besides pretend she doesn’t exist.’ He finally told me—‘I loved your sister once, but she is not who she seems to be. It is better that she is gone.’ I hate the sight of him.” Elmer’s irritation couldn’t sit still. He jumped to his feet and paced in a small circle.

  Kate rose and brushed an errant lock of hair from his eyes. Sighing, he put his arm around her shoulder. “It’s good I’m not baptized,” he said. “I am so weak yet.”

  Ryan ambled onto the stage. “Is Kate around?”

  “Here,” Kate said.

  Elmer played with Kate’s ponytail while studying her face. “So, is this what you have chosen?” he said, motioning toward the stage.

  Kate lowered her eyes. “What else is left to me?”

  “Your family. The Church. Your handsome younger brother.”

  “Singing is what I was born to do. I am very happy here.”

  Annoyance flashed in Elmer’s eyes. “You think I can’t see it? It is impossible to sit here for even five minutes and not see that you are swimming in sorrow. You’re not happy here at all. Come home to us.”

  Kate turned her face from him. “I can’t, Elmer.”

  “Your choice whether to be baptized cannot be made with regards to Nathaniel. It is between you and God.”

  “God has cut me off. I fend for myself.”

  “You talk like someone I don’t know,” Elmer said, picking up his hat.

  “Meet the new me,” Kate said. “Seizing the reins of my own life.” She hesitated and then turned and marched up the stairs to the stage. “I couldn’t be more pleased.”

  Elmer backed up the aisle, never taking his eyes from her until he donned his hat and disappeared out the clanking metal door.