Linus at Large: An Undraland Blood Novel

by Mary E. Twomey

  A nurse ran into the room, checking the machine and scolding Jens for getting me all worked up.

  But see, I’ve learned, that’s the thing about chemistry. Explosive if you do it right.

  Epilogue

  “Lucy, I’m home!” Linus called in his best impersonation of Ricky Ricardo. He burst in through the front door after his obligatory please-don’t-be-naked knock and frowned. “Hey, it’s Tuesday. Perfect Fifties Sitcom Family Night is tonight. I don’t smell pot roast.”

  I grinned, my arms folded over my chest as I motioned to Jens, who was still sulking. “Perfect Fifties Sitcom Family Night is still in effect, but Jens thought it would be a good idea to roast a pig in the backyard.”

  Linus’s eyes widened. “Cool! Yeah, okay! Let’s do that. You need help mounting it? But wait, what are you two going to eat?” We never figured out why Linus was stuck on crazy eating mode, but if that was the tradeoff for getting him back, I’d take it.

  Jens was grumpy. “I ordered it from the deli instead of just hunting one, which is what I should’ve done. They delivered it a couple hours ago frozen solid. Can’t cook it tonight.” Jens was sitting at the table in his cable knit navy sweater and khakis, looking every bit as miserable as he’d said he’d be in the getup.

  I didn’t much care. He was gorgeous, and I loved the sight of him in the domestic perfection. Plus, I was wearing a fifties housewife dress that he’d picked out. But in all fairness, my dress was the same pattern as Dorothy’s was in The Wizard of Oz, so despite the fact that I was in a dress, I wasn’t too unhappy about it. It was a once a week sacrifice we made so we could play the game of perfect sitcom life.

  No matter how many weeks went by, I never stopped looking forward to Tuesdays. I got to see Jens all gussied up for me, puffing on his pipe and reading the paper while I started a meal that he usually helped me finish cooking. I hadn’t felt much like cooking lately, though. The chicken I’d made two days ago was still a gag-inducing memory I’d just as soon forget. I blame the guts they keep shoved inside the carcass when you buy it. Nasty. The whole point of buying a pre-killed chicken from the grocery store is so that you don’t have to deal with the guts.

  “Aw, man! What are we going to eat, then?” Linus whined, looking every bit the five-year-old he never ceased to be. He respected our charade, and wore nice pants, an ironed dress shirt and a green tie, ready to smoke his pipe after dinner with Jens while they made up fake conversations about the hippies in the area that were probably lurking communists.

  “Indian food?” I offered, handing him one of the takeout menus from the junk drawer that never managed to stay organized, despite our best attempts.

  Linus shook his head. “Oh, how the game has fallen. Indian food is not a pot roast.”

  I smiled sweetly at him. “Well, we could always eat the feast you brought. What exactly did you contribute to the meal tonight? Nothing? Oh, then shut your smackhole and pick your poison, guy who eats more than double than the two of us combined.”

  The doorbell rang, and the three of us looked to each other, judging that everyone we hung out with was accounted for. Jens pulled a knife from one of his many hiding places around the house he’d rebuilt to a T so there were no reminders of the fire, and hid it behind his back as he moved to answer the door.

  It had been a year since we’d left Undraland, but no matter how many months passed without incident, Jens was always on guard duty. His response upon opening the door to Tucker was a chagrinned, “Oh, screw my life.”

  Tucker broke out in a slow laughter that built until he was holding his stomach and pointing at Jens’s attire. “Ho, Jens the Brave! How the mighty have fallen. Is that a high-necked sweater? Pressed pants? Are you actually… Is that cologne?” His slow laugh gave way to a hearty bark. “I just saw your shoes! Tell me, when did you take up tap dancing? I’ve never seen you in dress shoes before. Hold still. Let me get a picture.”

  “I hate you,” Jens murmured to Tucker as he hugged his friend after he slid the knife into his belt. “Come on in.”

  When Tucker rounded the corner and got a good look at me in a dress, he laughed so hard, he could barely get the words out. “I can’t! I can’t! It’s too amazing! Tell me you’re in a play!”

  I straightened, wearing my embarrassment like a beacon of my strong will. “It’s Perfect Fifties Sitcom Family Night tonight.” I stomped my too high red heel on the ground. “Don’t make fun! Come here and hug me! It’s only been like a hundred years.”

  Tucker enveloped me in a hug that smelled of the cigars I’d missed. “Oh, darling. It’s been not even three months since I visited last, and here I am again to bring sunshine and cigars into your life.” He thought, and then amended his statement. “Well, maybe not cigars this time. Can’t imagine your keeper would be too thrilled with that.”

  “Well, it felt like a hundred years. I missed you. Did you bring Clara Barton?”

  “Not this time. She just had a litter of kanins. Too young to travel. If Jens okays it, I’ll sneak you one next time I come over.”

  Jamie and Britta came in holding a fussy little guy who had four teeth in his head and a big old opinion about the state of the union. Jens rescued Jamieson from his sister’s exasperated grip and tossed the toddler into the air at a height I wanted to shout at him for.

  Britta flung herself into my arms, squeezing me for all she was worth. She looked well cared for, like she was sleeping and enjoying her days with her husband, her son, and their big friggin’ castle. “Where’s your tiara, Queen Britta the Gentle?”

  Britta rolled her eyes. “I’m not wearing that thing here. You get to rule this side, and I pretend like I know what I’m doing on our side. Here, I’m your sister, so tell me everything I’ve missed.”

  “Um, you’re looking at it. Nothing at all. We just got back from London where we had tea and crumpets and a grand old time. It was amazing. Jens wants to go bow hunting on a safari in New Zealand next.”

  Jamie’s eyebrow raised at this. “I might have to come over for that.”

  I clapped my hands to focus the newcomers. “Hello? What are you guys doing here? This is so awesome! I thought you were way too important to be able to get away more than twice a year.”

  Britta snuck me a secretive smile. “Jamie felt your good news, so we decided to come over right away.”

  “What good news?” I asked, thinking back to the awesome strike I’d gotten when the three of us had gone bowling two nights ago. I’d done a perfect, “I’m awesome and you suck” dance at Linus, who for some odd reason was a sore loser that night. Surely Britta, Jamie, Tucker and Jamieson hadn’t come all this way for that.

  Jamie interrupted us with a hug I’d missed. After being stuck with the guy for so long, I appreciated the opportunity to actually miss him. I could still feel his huge emotional swings and the big shifts in his body, but we remained free of the bond, for which I was grateful. “We missed you, liten syster. How are you feeling?” He pulled back and touched my stomach like it was a lamp he expected a genie to pop out of.

  I jerked away, giving him the stink eye. “I’m fine. How are you feeling?”

  Jamie looked at me like I was joking with him. “I’m the happiest uncle that ever was.”

  “Huh? But you’re not an uncle.”

  Jamie squinted at me, trying to find the angle in the joke I wasn’t actually making. “Not yet, sure.”

  Tucker took in my expression of sheer confusion and belted out a laugh. “Oh, she doesn’t even know! This is great! So worth the longest cab ride of my life.”

  Jens was busy playing with Jamieson, turning him into an airplane to fly him around the house. He was absolutely adorable with his nephew.

  I froze, slowly putting enough pieces together to see the puzzle Jamie was hinting at. My hand ghosted to my stomach as all the blood drained from my face. I did simple math in my head, counting the days that didn’t add up.

  I wanted to shout for Jens, but all that came out
was a croaked whisper. Jens felt my anxiety though, and zoomed Jamieson into the kitchen, where I had yet to regain the ability to form coherent sentences.

  Britta was horrified that they’d known about my situation before even I did. “This isn’t right! Oh, Lucy. I didn’t know you didn’t know! I’m so sorry. Here, you’re white as a sheet. Sit down, syster.” She pulled out a stool at the counter and ushered me up into it.

  Jens went into work mode and handed Jamieson back to his sister. “What’s wrong? What’d I miss?”

  Tucker murmured, “More like, what did Lucy miss. An exclamation point? A question mark? No, that’s not it.” He scratched his head in faux-thought.

  Linus put the puzzle together just a minute after I did, as evidenced by his gasp and his hand covering his mouth. “Oh, Loos! Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t know! I mean, maybe it’s not even true!” I turned to face Jens, panicked. “I need a pregnancy test!” I didn’t mean to shout it at him, but I had absolutely no control over my volume at this point.

  Jens blinked, and then stumbled backward into Tucker, clutching his chest as if he was undergoing a heart attack. “What? What did you just say to me?”

  Tucker slapped Jens on the shoulder with a grin. “Time to rally, old friend.”

  Jamie, apologetic, turned to his best friend with his tail between his legs. “I can feel it when something changes in Lucy. When she’s really happy or in danger. I felt something shift last week, and guessed that she was pregnant.”

  “You’re giving me a conniption over a guess?” I screeched. “Somebody get me my keys! I need a pregnancy test!”

  Jens ran – actually ran at me from the other end of the kitchen and swept me up in a kiss that was so grand, I swear I swooned, despite the anxiety that gripped me from the inside. “I’ll get it. You stay here.” His head whipped around and he pointed to the couch in the living room. “No, you should put your feet up. Are your feet sore?” He got down on his knee and removed my red heels.

  “What? No! I’m probably not even pregnant. Jamie guessed. He’s not a doctor. I ate some bad chicken last week. That’s probably all it is.” When Britta, Jamie, Linus and Jens all wore matching expressions of too much excitement, I shook my head. “I know I’m in denial! I heard it. Just… Just get the test, please, and we’ll know what’s what. Until then, everyone be cool. This wasn’t part of the plan, so don’t look at me with those faces like… like that. It’s creeping me out.”

  Tucker waved his hand at the others as Jens flew out the door and peeled out of the garage. “Oh, sure. I get morning sickness all the time.”

  “Linus!” I whined.

  Linus was of no help. “I’ve got nothing, dude. I can’t even picture you pregnant. Um, maybe the baby wants tea? Or like, milk? Pregnant women need calcium, right? Do you even take a multivitamin?”

  “No! I’m already screwing this up! See? I can’t be pregnant, Jamie. I wouldn’t know the first thing about keeping a baby alive.”

  I looked at Jamieson in Britta’s arms, who was playing with his mom’s braids. Britta grinned at me. “You’ll learn, just like everything else you’ve had to adjust to and master. You’ll be a fantastic mother, Lucy.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I ditched them all. I ran up the stairs and shut myself in our bedroom, ripping off the dress that mocked me and throwing on something that made me feel like me. My jeans were perfect, and my “What Moose?” brown t-shirt was on the top of the folded clothes, so I threw that on.

  Linus tried to coax me out of the room, but I didn’t budge. I waited until Jens pounded his fist on the door. “Loos, it’s me. Let me in.”

  I unlocked the door, letting in the man who used to be Jens, but was now a crazed maniac with eyes that were too widely opened. “I didn’t know which kind to get, so I bought them all.” He shoved a grocery bag at me that had at least twenty rectangular boxes in it.

  I bit my nails at warp speed as I fished around and chose one at random.

  The instructions were simple, but my mind went blank when it was time to wait for the results. I sat on the bed next to Jens, who was in a world unto himself, commenting on the sharp edges of our dresser and the completely wrong setup of the bedroom if we wanted to put a bassinet in here.

  My words were quiet, but knocked him back with a WWE punch. “We can’t keep this baby. I’m part siren, Jens. You know that. I shouldn’t even be alive.” I felt sick and filled with self-loathing. This wasn’t the conversation you were supposed to have while you waited for the timer to ding on the most important test of your life.

  A fire rose in Jens’s eyes. “I can keep anyone safe. Sure, we didn’t plan it, but it’s happening.” He knelt down on one knee before me as I clung to the edge of the mattress I was sitting on. His hands cuffed my wrists as he spoke in earnest. “Lucy, this baby won’t set foot in Undraland. Elsa can whistle us a pediatrician that can keep the baby’s siren blood to himself. We can make this work. We’ll just have to be careful.” He shut his eyes and brought my hands to his lips, kissing my knuckles. “Please, Loos. We can make anything work.”

  Did I want this baby? More than anything. It was too big a dream to dwell on. I hadn’t let myself think about children because of my tainted blood, but now that the dream was staring me in the face, it felt like a horrible tease. The thing I wanted was here, but I couldn’t keep the baby in good conscience.

  Could I?

  I mean, it wasn’t like returning a pair of jeans. This was part of Jens, and I knew better than to throw Jens away. The baby was part of me, and I knew that if something I loved was mine, I would fight to the death to protect it.

  When my mouth opened, it was dry and could only whisper. “Okay, then. If the test is positive, we raise a baby that’s part siren. If it’s not, we go back to Perfect Fifties Sitcom Family Night like it’s no big deal.”

  Jens nodded so enthusiastically, I thought his eyes would rattle around in his head. “I love you. I love you.” He buried his face in my lap. “Everything. This is everything I never knew I was allowed to want.”

  “Then why do you complain so much about the fancy dress shoes I got you?”

  He snorted into my lap as I ran my fingers through his combed hair. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the both of you safe.”

  When two minutes passed, Jens leaped from the floor and ran to the bathroom that was attached to our bedroom.

  When he came out, there was no mistaking by the look on his face that there were two pink lines, and I was nine kinds of knocked up.

  “I’m sorry!” I said, wringing my hands. “I didn’t plan it! We were so careful!”

  Jens’s face twisted like he’d eaten a lemon. “I’m not sorry. I’m shocked, but not sorry. We’re having a baby, Loos! A baby!” His arms went around me, and I deflated.

  “You’re okay with this?”

  Jens laughed. “‘Okay’ is ordering Indian food when you’re expecting a pig roast. I’m over the red moon, Mox. This is all I ever wanted, and you’re giving it to us! I couldn’t love you more right now if I tried.”

  “Really? You’re sure?”

  Jens kissed me, which was enough of a response to convince me that he wouldn’t bolt, and I could let myself digest the brand new information without seven tons of worry added to the load.

  Jens released me and picked up the grocery bag. “I got these, just in case.” He pulled out a bottle of prenatal vitamins.

  It was the perfect thing, and he was the perfect man for me. “You got me vitamins?” I asked, as if it was a bouquet of roses.

  “Of course. We take care of each other.”

  “I love you, Jens.”

  He grinned in the cocky way I adored. “Oh, yeah? Prove it. Kiss my face right now. Marry me and have my baby.”

  “I already kissed you. We’re already married, and I’m like, crazy knocked up.”

  Jens tipped me back onto our bed and hovered over me, kissing me and letting hims
elf get carried away with his elation. He pinched the underside of my thigh and gripped my hip as I squirmed beneath him.

  Suddenly, he pulled back, his hands raised in surrender. “That’s probably not good for the baby. I’ll have Elsa whistle us a doctor in the morning. Should we wait that long? I can probably get her to send one over tonight, if you’d like.” Without needing an answer, he nodded. “Yeah, I’ll make the call.”

  I held up my hands when Jens went to leave for the stairs. “Wait a second. Jens, are you happy with this? Like, everything’s cool?”

  Jens kissed my lips gently to let me know he hadn’t lost his mind completely. “Everything’s the best version of my life I never thought I could ask for. I gave my girl a white picket fence, and she’s giving us a baby. Can’t get better than that.” He squinched his eyes together like a child. “Please let me name it if it’s a boy. I want a Jens part two.”

  I shrugged. “That works fine for me. I want to name the baby Basil, but only if it’s a girl.”

  Jens groaned and swept me off my feet as he had literally and figuratively so many times before. I laughed as he carried me down the stairs and rested me on the couch, sharing with pride the good news that we would be parents, for better or worse.

  That’s the thing about the man who doesn’t turn away from you, no matter how messy your life gets. He looks at you like you have a soul, so you remember to get one. You wear it as often as you can to prove to the world he’s not wrong. Because if he believes it, dammit, it must be true.

  Of all the things I’ve learned, I know without a doubt that a man who builds you a white picket fence is the one worth keeping until you’re old and gray. Love that lasts through laughter and tragedy is a beautiful thing.