by Paige Toon
‘Speak soon,’ he replies.
Neither of us can bring ourselves to say the word ‘goodbye’. I listen with despair as the line goes dead.
I stay there, sitting on the park bench dedicated to My Beloved Wife Jane, and realise that I’ll never again be able to listen to a joke, sit on a park bench, hear any number of songs, without thinking of Nathan. Surfing, Sydney, sharks, dolphins…Nathan. Molly, Sam…Nathan. I’m going to be unhappy for the rest of my life, I think, and don’t care how melodramatic or selfish it sounds.
But I will be okay. I’ll pick myself up, move on. My future is with James. My one-day husband and father of my children, probably. And Nathan will hear news of me from Sam and Molly and feel heartbroken over what he’s lost. The thought calms me, oddly, and I wipe my face, pick up my bag, and walk the rest of the journey to work in a daze.
‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ I tell Mandy, the moment I walk in the door. She studies my red eyes and waves me away.
‘It’s okay.’
‘I promise I’ll be back to normal in the New Year,’ I add, and she peers up at me and says kindly, ‘I know you will, Lucy. Don’t worry.’
Gemma and Chloe eye me cagily as I go to sit down. None of us can speak openly because Mandy’s at her desk, so this conversation will have to wait until lunchtime.
There’s a white envelope resting on my keyboard and I open it to find a lovely letter from Mandy telling me what a fantastic year I’ve had and giving me a large Christmas bonus. I’m gob-smacked and glance over at her. She senses my look and smiles as she continues to type on her computer. It cheers me up somewhat and I try to put Nathan to the back of my mind.
We all head out to lunch at a posh Thai restaurant in Soho–there are fifteen of us in total–and I take a seat at the end of the table next to Chloe and Gemma.
‘Don’t be too nice to me,’ I caution, knowing it would only set me off again. As the waiter tops up our glasses with champagne, I start to fill them in. I mistake their expressions for sympathy at first but I soon sense something’s not right.
‘What is it?’ I ask guardedly. Gemma looks at Chloe, as though willing her to say something. Eventually Chloe does.
‘I didn’t know whether or not to…’
‘Go on…’ I press.
‘It’s…something William said.’
‘Tell me,’ I say, remembering James’s warning about William.
‘Well, it’s just that, I know you’re making a decision about James and Nathan at the moment and I thought you should…’
‘Just spit it out, Chloe, please,’ I ask, not unkindly.
‘Er, apparently James has a bit of a reputation,’ she says. ‘At work.’
‘Mmmhmm,’ I prompt, thinking: So does William. My straightforward attitude seems to unsettle her. ‘What sort of reputation?’
‘He, er, is said to, um, screw around a bit.’ She grimaces at the sound of the words on her tongue.
‘What do you mean? With Zoe?’
‘Er, not just her from what it sounds like.’
‘Right…’ I try to keep my feelings in check. ‘James also told me something about William.’
‘What?’ She’s wary. I don’t want to do this to her, but I have to.
‘He told me he’s a liar. That you should be careful. I’m sorry,’ I add, seeing the look on her face. ‘I wanted to tell you earlier but you seemed so cheerful.’
Chloe glances at Gemma and they both fall silent.
‘What, you don’t believe me?’ I ask.
‘I don’t know what to believe,’ Chloe answers. ‘But it’s just that, well, William’s such a nice guy. I don’t think he’d lie about something like this.’
Gemma nods in agreement.
‘Have you met him?’ I ask Gemma, surprised.
‘Yes,’ she answers. ‘Martin and I went out for a drink with them last night.’
‘So you were there when he said this?’ I’m feeling ever more nauseous at the thought of my friends having a good old gossip about poor little Lucy and her nasty dilemma. Gemma nods, embarrassed. I know I shouldn’t shoot the messengers but I suddenly feel angry. I don’t need this!
‘He just asked after you, that was all,’ Chloe explains. ‘And I told him,’ she adds feebly.
‘Well,’ I try to keep the coldness from my voice, ‘I guess we’ll find out the truth later, when we go to meet them.’ Then I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom.
The person staring back at me is frightening, diamonds glinting dangerously in her ears. I splash cold water on my white face and take several deep breaths, willing myself to calm down.
The mood when I get back is sombre, uncomfortable. We try to lighten up our conversation but it’s stifled. Eventually I turn and make conversation with one of the girls from accounts, who is sitting next to me.
James texts me at 4 p.m.
YOU STILL COMING? I MISS U
I write back with a simple ‘yes’ and feel ill as I press send.
After lunch, Chloe and I kiss Gemma goodbye for the holidays and walk outside to catch a cab. Gemma’s going home to her parents’ place in Berkshire with Martin tonight.
‘I’m sorry if you think I was being out of order,’ Chloe says, once we’re in a cab.
‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. ‘I’m sorry if you think I was.’
She reaches across and touches my leg. ‘I’m sure it will all work out.’ She smiles. I can’t return it.
When we arrive at the bar, James’s work party is already in full swing. Jeremy spots us first and comes over to gyrate against me to the music. He’s pissed out of his face.
I push past him and we make our way through to the others. William immediately comes over and gives Chloe a big kiss on the lips. She smiles up at him awkwardly.
‘Hi, Lucy.’
‘Hi.’ I regard him suspiciously, but intuitively I just don’t get a bad feeling about him. I walk away from them, feeling hazy as I look for James. At least I haven’t had too much to drink today; I need to keep my senses. Eventually I spot my boyfriend in a dark booth at the back. He’s talking to Zoe and I feel faint as the mini hurricane swirls around in my stomach.
I don’t have to be here. I could turn around and leave them to it. But fight always wins out over flight for me. I make my way over to them.
I can’t see Zoe’s expression but James is frowning. As soon as he sees me his face lights up and he nudges Zoe to get up so he can shift out and get to me.
‘Hi, you,’ he slurs happily. He pulls me in for a kiss, followed by a long hug, during which he sways me drunkenly from side to side. When he pulls away I see Zoe standing to the side, eyeing us coldly.
‘Hello, Zoe.’
‘Hi,’ she replies, unsmiling. ‘I’m going to go to the bar. Want anything?’ she asks as she turns to James.
‘Lucy, what’re you having?’
‘It’s a free bar,’ Zoe tells me, her mouth curling up unpleasantly as she sees me reaching for my purse. I didn’t want her to buy me a drink.
‘Oh, okay. Vodka and cranberry, then.’
‘James?’ she asks.
‘I’ll have another whisky, thanks ba—er, Zoe.’
‘No, I mean, are you going to give me a hand? I can’t manage three drinks on my own.’
I look at him, daring him to go.
‘Don’t be silly, Zoze, you can manage five drinks on your own. I’ve seen you with my very own eyes!’ he says jovially. She raises her eyebrows at him and stalks off. He turns back to me and rolls his eyes, but I just stare at him calmly.
‘What?’ he asks.
‘You are so full of bullshit.’
‘What?’
‘James, for fuck’s sake.’ I laugh bitterly. ‘It’s so obvious!’
‘Lucy, cut it out.’ He’s irate now.
I can’t be arsed with all this. It’s a bloody joke. I look around for William and Chloe and spot them over by the wall, laughing and talking. James clocks my look.
/> ‘Has he said anything?’ he demands to know about William. ‘Because if he has, he’s a fucking liar. He shags anything with two legs!’
‘Right…’ I narrow my eyes at him.
‘That son of a bitch,’ James says and I’m fearful he’s going to storm over to William right now and knock his lights out.
‘What’s going on?’ Zoe reappears suddenly.
James is breathing heavily and eyeing William with a disturbing look. She puts her hand warningly on James’s arm. He shrugs her off. ‘Haven’t you caused enough trouble?’ he asks her nastily. My heart is thumping like crazy in my chest.
‘Don’t you blame this on me,’ she responds angrily.
‘Shhh,’ he soothes, calmer all of a sudden. He rubs her arm briefly then steps away and puts his arm around my waist.
‘I don’t think so…’ I try to detach him.
‘Lucy, for God’s sake, cut it out!’ he snaps. ‘I don’t need this!’
‘Neither do I,’ I respond, attempting to wrench myself away, but he just draws me in tighter.
‘James!’ I raise my voice. ‘Let me go! What the hell are you doing?’
‘Yeah, James,’ Zoe says coldly. ‘What the hell are you doing?’
‘Why don’t you just piss off?’ I turn to her, furiously, still trying to wriggle free of James.
‘What’s going on? Lucy, are you alright?’ William says from beside me. Chloe joins us, anxiously eyeing the scene.
‘Yes, of course she’s alright,’ James answers snidely.
‘James, let me go!’ I snap again.
‘Let her go,’ William tells James.
‘What are you going to do, make me?’ he asks viciously.
Then suddenly Jeremy arrives to join in the party. I’m expecting him to face up to William but he doesn’t. Instead he goes over to Zoe. ‘Zoe, come on.’ He struggles to be serious with all the alcohol he’s consumed.
‘No, Jeremy.’ She shakes him off. ‘I’ve had enough of this!’
‘Calm down.’ He shushes her, rubbing her on her back.
James is still holding me tightly around my waist and glaring at William. I glance over at Chloe; her face is tense.
‘James, let me go.’ This time I’m deadly calm.
‘Yeah, James, let her go,’ Zoe bitches.
‘Would you shut up!’ he hisses at her, and again Jeremy tries to pull her away.
‘No, I WILL NOT!’ she shouts.
I’d probably pity her if I didn’t think she’d been shagging my boyfriend.
‘Why don’t you calm down?’ I turn to her, my voice firm.
‘Don’t tell me to calm down!’ She’s hysterical now.
‘ZOE!’ James lets go of me and turns to Zoe, but she violently pushes past him towards me.
‘You don’t know how lucky you are with your bloody boyfriend and your fancy flat! You don’t know what it’s like for me!’
‘You don’t know me at all.’ I face up to her, even though she towers above me by several inches. ‘You don’t know anything about me so don’t you dare tell me how lucky I am!’
Zoe laughs cruelly then visibly appears to compose herself. ‘You are lucky,’ she says calmly with an evil glint in her eyes. ‘In fact, the only thing I don’t envy about you is your flannel sheets.’
She may as well have punched me in the stomach as the memory of that text comes back to me, word for word.
HI LUCY! JUST SHAGGED JAMES IN UR BED. THOUGHT U SHOULD KNOW. 4 TIMES THIS MONTH. NICE SHEETS! XXX
‘Lucy,’ James interjects. I slap him hard, right across the face. Then I do it again. He stumbles backwards into William who pushes him off.
James turns around and shoves him hard in the chest before raising his fist ready to punch. Jeremy drags James back as William squares up to him. I leave them to it. I don’t have a minute to waste. I’m dialling Nathan’s number as I push through the throng and out onto the pavement.
‘Lucy!’ Chloe runs outside a minute later. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes,’ I tell her. ‘I’m just glad I found out now. Before it’s too late.’ I hold up my phone. ‘Nathan’s coming for me.’
‘Thank goodness.’ She puts her arms around me and we huddle in a dark doorway a little further down the road. After a while we sit down on the step.
‘Christ, it’s cold out here,’ she says suddenly.
‘Where’s William?’ I ask.
‘He’s inside. It’s okay, I think he’ll calm things down.’
‘He was squaring up to James last time I looked…’
‘Don’t worry, he’s not the type to be violent,’ she insists.
Five minutes later James bursts out through the door.
‘Lucy!’ he shouts. ‘LUCY!’
Chloe pulls me back further into the dark doorway and squeezes me tighter. ‘Just let him be,’ she whispers.
‘LUCY!’ he screams, sounding more panicked.
William follows and tries to settle James. The bouncers will be here next. This is a nightmare. What’s going to happen when Nathan turns up?
I don’t have to wait long to find out. I see his Saab turn the corner and he pulls up and gets out. James immediately rushes over to him.
‘This is all your fault!’ he yells, as I break away from Chloe.
‘Lucy…’ James breathes with relief when he sees me, but I run to Nathan.
‘Get away from her, mate,’ James says, maliciously.
‘Lucy, get in the car,’ Nathan tells me calmly.
‘Don’t you fucking tell her what to do!’ James shouts, shoving Nathan in the chest. William steps in but James turns to push him away too, then he spins around and swings at Nathan, hitting his temple with an almighty thud. Nathan stumbles backwards.
‘You’re a fucking whore!’ James screams at me.
Nathan gathers his senses and punches James hard in the face. Blood trickles down from James’s nose as he staggers and touches his fingers to it with surprise.
‘I think you just broke my nose,’ he says, shocked. Then two burly bouncers spill out onto the pavement and drag James back. I quickly climb in the car and yell for Nathan to do the same.
‘I’ll call you!’ I shout at Chloe as Nathan starts up the car and drives away.
‘Pull over,’ I tell him when we’ve gone half a mile down the road. He flicks his indicator on and slows down until he comes to a standstill on a single yellow line.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks me.
‘I was going to ask you the same question.’ I reach out to touch his temple gently. He’s going to have a nasty bruise in the morning. He flinches.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ he tells me softly as he unbuckles our seat belts. He leans over and puts his arms around me. ‘You’re shivering,’ he says, and turns the heating right up, before relaxing back in his seat. He looks across at me.
‘What now?’
‘Well, I don’t think I’m going home with James to his parents’ place tomorrow.’ I laugh hollowly.
‘Do you want to come back to mine?’
‘Actually, what I’d really love is to go home to my family.’
‘Okay,’ he answers, trying to mask his disappointment.
‘But I won’t be able to get a train ticket…’ I add.
‘Can I drive you?’ he asks, hope filling his eyes.
‘Would you?’ I question, tears filling mine.
‘Lucy, of course. Will that be okay with your mum and Terry?’
‘I’ll call her,’ I tell him. ‘But can we go back to mine quickly and pick up my bag?’ Thankfully I packed last night.
Nathan pulls up outside our flat and comes upstairs with me. He takes my suitcase and I grab a few more things, including the velvet box with James’s necklace in it. I bring it through to the living room.
‘Come on, Lucy,’ he urges, ‘we should go.’
‘Hang on,’ I tell him. He stands and watches me grave
ly as I remove the diamond earrings from my ears and place them in the box next to the necklace. I leave it open on the coffee table. There’s no need to write a note. That sight will speak volumes.
Nathan drives north to Archway while I call my mum. I fill her in briefly.
‘Nathan’s bringing me home,’ I say finally. ‘Can he stay with us for Christmas?’ I feel awkward as Nathan can hear everything I’m saying.
‘Of course he can, love. Of course he can.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ My eyes well up again.
‘Do you want me to make up the spare room for him?’ she asks drily. ‘Or will he sleep in yours?’
‘Er,’ I peek across at Nathan. ‘Maybe the spare for now, thanks…’
He grins at me cheekily and the butterflies awake in my stomach.
I switch off my phone in case James calls and then wait in the car while Nathan runs into his flatshare to pack a bag.
‘Were your flatmates okay about you not being around for Christmas?’ I ask when he gets back.
‘Yeah.’ He laughs self-consciously.
‘What?’
‘Richard told me he’ll be happy not to see my miserable mug around. I’ve been destroying his and Ally’s festive cheer, apparently.’
I concentrate on navigating until we hit the motorway along with thousands of other Londoners heading to the country for Christmas.
‘Do you want to tell me what happened?’ Nathan asks finally, as I put the map down; we’ll be on the motorway for a while now.
I look across at him in the darkness and can barely believe he’s coming home with me for Christmas. I remember he’s going home himself soon and my stomach freefalls. But I can’t think of that now. We have two weeks left together; I want to make them last.
‘Lucy?’ he asks me gently, and I realise I haven’t answered his question.
‘Yes, sorry,’ I reply, and fill him in on the night’s events.
He shakes his head in dismay when I’ve finished. ‘Are you okay?’ he glances across at me.
‘I am. I feel surprisingly okay.’
James and I would have broken up sooner or later, I know that now. Surely it was only a matter of time before I found out the truth about him…I should feel worse about what he’s done to me, but I don’t. Oh, I know it will get messy. We’re going to have to sort out the flat and that will be a nightmare, but it can wait. Right now I refuse to waste a single minute with my sexy, messy-haired surfer.