Be My December

by Rachel Brookes

  Pretending to be someone else was how I survived, and it seemed to be working for now. The best part was that it allowed me to go through life as a blank canvas, transforming into whoever I wanted to be when the need arose and tonight I would have to pull out the big guns—tonight I was back in New York City, I was back in nightmare territory and I had to give the impression that I was having a damn good time.

  We stepped through the double doors of Delights, which was described online as a gentlemen’s club with high-class strippers and Victoria’s Secret-dressed girls at your beck and call. It would be the perfect place to escape for a few hours because what man would pay attention to me when there was buxom blonds and sultry brunettes wearing expensive lingerie right at their fingertips.

  “Aren’t you glad we came out tonight?” Tori asked excitedly, bumping her hip against mine in the process. “We have so much to celebrate Eden! My girl is twenty-four, and there is every chance you will be surrounded by hot rock stars for the next few weeks. I have a feeling someone is going to get laid.”

  Ahh yes, the very reason I had returned and no, it had nothing to do with the promise of getting laid, much to Tori’s frustration.

  It happened three weeks ago when I was on my morning run along Pier 39. The crisp fall air of San Francisco blanketed my body and my mind was busily planning my day ahead which included two fashion shoots for a local designer. As I stopped, hunched over, gasping for air, I received an email. An email with the subject line: Meeting Request. The moment I opened it the bubble that I had created for myself in San Fran quickly started to deflate around me. I had read the email more times than I could possibly count. The words—we want you; amazing talent; rock bands; our magazine—were the words that stuck out, the words that seized my attention. It was an offer that was so unrealistic that I didn’t believe it to be real. This kind of opportunity had the potential to change my life. I still didn’t understand how they had come across my work, but I know that word of mouth was rife in this industry so I assumed it was from someone who had worked with me in the past. So what was the life changing opportunity I was offered, the one reason I had gone against everything I had promised myself and come back to my nightmare? Well it was the chance to shoot the cover and editorial for a leading music magazine that would take my photography global.

  Anderson Publications was known everywhere. Fuck, I had been a fan of many of their magazines and spent a lot of time relaxing in the bath with a glass of wine and their latest issue, and the fact that they wanted me was unimaginable. The magazine they wanted me for was Bangs and Beats, which surprise, surprise, was located in New York…the one place I said I’d never return to.

  So here I was in the midst of a gentlemen’s club in the belly of New York City with a meeting booked for the following week because I couldn’t fucking say no and I had a best friend who had told me I’d be stupid to reject the offer that was handed to me.

  Story of my life.

  I stood anxiously beside Tori, enclosed by the safety of women flaunting the bodies they had been blessed with and men whose hungry eyes were locked on every other woman but us. I sighed in relief. The tension in my shoulders escaped. Two things about this place offered the safety I needed. The first, knowing that I was the most overdressed woman in the place and second, that men with this kind of money were only concerned with the women shaking their goods in their faces. Yep, this was my safety net, and this was the reason Tori and I frequented strip clubs and highly exclusive clubs when we wanted a night out on the town. These kinds of establishments offered me the chance to fade into the shadows and not allow myself to get into a situation where I couldn’t control the outcome. Thank fuck I had a best friend who liked to party, no matter where it was.

  “You know what? I think it’s time I let my hair down.” Even hearing myself allow those words to fall from my lips caused me to shudder in shock. It was my damn birthday, and I should be allowed to celebrate. Yep, it was my night. “However, that certainly doesn’t mean I am looking to get laid. You know that’s not me.”

  “What!” She shrieked, loud enough to be heard over the loud thump of the bass pounding out of the speakers around us. “Eden Rivers is letting her hair down?”

  “Fuck off!” I chuckled deeply, thanking my lucky stars that she didn’t mention anything about my not getting laid comments. I wrapped my arm around the girl who knew every deep dark secret there was in the life of Eden Rivers and took off in the direction of the main bar.

  My eyes scoped out the place, mostly focusing on the patrons around me. Men in suits with their wealth clearly on display occupied the mahogany tables and deep tub chairs while their lips took in the taste of expensive scotch and their eyes darkened with lust. Women surrounded me, dressed in high class lingerie with immaculate makeup and perfectly manicured hair, giving the men exactly what they wanted; they were the perfect prey for the lions waiting in the wings. This was definitely the perfect place to celebrate my birthday. Another year, another chance to try and figure out who in the hell I was.

  I struggled daily with the idea of being the girl I thought I had to be and the girl I now was. The life I lived would never compare to the life I believed I would have at the age of twenty-four. Shouldn’t I have a college degree, be open to a loving relationship, and be living a life without constant panic or restrictions? No. That life was ripped away four years ago. December 16th. The night Jeremy Davis decided that I didn’t deserve a choice, that I was purely a piece of meat that he assumed he could devour in a dimly lit college dorm room. It was on that night he ripped my innocence away from me without consideration or consent.

  Today I lived the life of Eden Rivers, the girl with a smile plastered on her face as her heart died one flashback at a time, the girl who said yes to everything asked of her in fear of the consequences of saying no, and the girl who pretended to be someone else every chance she got. I held no pride in being a yes girl, but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Saying yes kept me safe, it kept me in a tight cocoon where I could shut off every emotion that was drowning me. It was a simple word that didn’t even mean a thing to me anymore.

  “Who are you tonight?” Tori’s inquisitive voice asked beside me, raising one of her perfectly groomed brows in my direction. She knew me way too well. This was the one question I knew she’d asked, it was a guaranteed question every time we stepped foot out of our apartment for a night out. I took another glance around the bar, allowing my brain to scroll through the many faces of Eden Rivers.

  I turned back toward her, a smile the size of the Grand Canyon spreading over my face. Into character I would go. “I am Kellie, a teacher from Chicago, and I am in town for the weekend with my best friend to celebrate my birthday.”

  “Kellie it is.”

  “Now that we have discussed my alter-ego, let’s go and get the most colorful and stupidly alcoholic drinks we can order and shove dollar bills down the panties of willing women?” I winked suggestively. “Kellie wants to have some fun.”

  Tori’s infectious laughter sounded around us, providing the encouragement I needed and killing the nerves that were swarming inside of me. I could do this. She wrapped an arm around my waist as we weaved our way through the pulsating crowd and headed toward the corner of the bar where the lights were low and the music was soft. I pulled out one of the empty bar stools and took a seat, immediately grabbing the cocktail menu.

  The space around me grew thick with sound, the music echoing through the bar as the first show of the night began. The deep thump of the bass pulsated through my body, rattling every bone. I glanced quickly toward the stage as a sultry redhead wearing deep purple lingerie strutted onto the stage. Gorgeous lingerie, even if I do say so myself. I was a sucker for sexy lingerie, it was almost a shame that no one got to see it. The little baby pink panty and bra set gracing my body tonight would have definitely been good to show someone. I scoffed at my thoughts, knowing full well that the only person who would be seeing it would b
e Tori when we got back to the hotel. And that would only be because I would be drunk and have a lack of modesty.

  My friendship with Tori was so unconventional. It began the moment she opened her townhouse to me when I first arrived in San Francisco after I found a roommate wanted ad online. What I believe she failed to realize was that she saved me that day, she became my security blanket, my one confidant as I tried to reclaim what little there was left of me.

  “Can you order two cosmopolitans, two quick fucks, and two jaeger bombs. That should do us.” I winked as I slid off the stool. “I need to go to the ladies’ room.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “I’m good. I’ll be back soon.”

  I took off, weaving my way through the crowd. I averted my eyes from the couple of men who acknowledged my existence and gripped hold of my clutch, increasing my pace. I pushed open the bathroom door with my hip and took a deep breath as the solitude of the glamourous 1800’s inspired bathroom immersed me. Grasping onto the marbled top of the vanity, I looked at my disheveled reflection staring back at me and a grin spread across my face. The heat from the club had caused my eye makeup, which I spent an hour working on, to melt and begin its descent from the outline of my sea blue eyes; my lips didn’t have the gloss I had entered with, and the pinkness of my cheeks showed the warmth circulating through my body. I was on the quick path to looking like a hot mess and for some crazy reason I couldn’t be happier.

  “Are you okay?”

  I spun on my heel at the sound of a throaty yet sultry voice behind me. I inhaled sharply at the stunning woman with platinum blond hair shimmering around her shoulders and wide emerald green eyes gazing back at me. I scanned her face—her makeup was impeccable, her hair perfectly styled, and the way she wore the skinny jeans, off the shoulder black top, and killer turquoise heels made her look like an absolute bombshell.

  “Yep, sorry, I don’t mean to hold up the bathroom.” I turned back quickly and leaned over the vanity and painted my lips in blood red gloss, giving them a quick smack together before I smiled at my reflection and then turned back to face her.

  “Eden Rivers?” She gasped as recognition flashed over her face. “I’m Ashlyn Hart.”

  My jaw hit the ground as I took in the beauty before me. This woman wasn’t the Ashlyn Hart I remembered from college. Long gone were the thick glasses, the braces, and the large oversized shirts that hid her body.

  My silence and obvious gawking caused her to chuckle.

  “Yeah, I’ve changed a bit over the years. My annoying big brother likes to say I’m the ugly duckling who transformed into a swan,”

  “You look beautiful.” I finally found my voice and gave her a nervous yet friendly smile. I was not planning on reuniting with anyone from my past while I was here but now on my first night back I was running headfirst into my past and someone from college at that.

  Ashlyn Hart had been in a few of my classes and lived in the same dorm. We spoke in passing, but she was always so shy and kept to herself, she was exactly like I was now. That Ashlyn was completely different to the Ashlyn standing before me who now had confidence and charisma falling off her.

  Ashlyn’s brow furrowed as she moved toward the vanity and began applying her own lip gloss. “I never thought I’d see you again.”

  Fuck! This wasn’t the conversation I wanted to have in the bathroom of a high end gentleman’s club, especially not on my birthday. I dropped my eyes to the floor and started twisting my hands as the first signs of panic bubbled to the surface.

  She caught on to my shift in mood and thankfully changed the subject by saying, “Just so you know, you are officially known as the girl in the red jacket to a guy out there.”

  “Uh, well that’s interesting.” I laughed nervously and shook my head.

  “You have someone out there who is showing more interest in you than he has in anyone in God only knows how many years.” Her emerald eyes sparkled as my cheeks flushed a deep crimson.

  “What’s his name?”

  “K—”

  “Eden Rivers, we have a bar full of drinks, and I am ready to celebrate your birthday in style so put your Kellie Carter hat on and get the fuck out there!” Tori strutted through the bathroom, her hands on her hips and a look of pure determination cemented on her face; she completely missed that we weren’t in the bathroom alone.

  “Jesus, don’t get your panties in a knot.” I laughed, rolling my eyes at my excitable friend. I turned back toward Ashlyn to find her slipping her lip gloss in her clutch and her gaze met mine. Shit! Tori had mentioned Kellie Carter. “I, uh, use a pretend name when I’m out. It’s like a thing I do.”

  I held my breath as I awaited her response. It sounded so pathetic. I was a grown woman who pretended I was someone else when I went out. God, she was going to think I was a complete idiot.

  “Who am I to judge? Kellie it is.” Ashlyn’s smile was infectious, and I found myself smiling back at her.

  “How about you just be Eden tonight?” Tori suggested as she looked anxiously at Ashlyn, a look I didn’t miss. “How about you try it? I’ll be right by your side.”

  Was she serious? Where the hell was this coming from?

  “Tori, I can’t,” I whispered and instantly my defenses shot to life.

  “Babe, you can but you won’t.”

  “Tory, this isn’t the place to discuss this. I am Kellie tonight and that’s the only way I will be staying here. Your choice. Am I staying or leaving?”

  “Just trust me Eden. This isn’t the nig__”

  “Am I staying or leaving?” I repeated and the look of defeat that flooded her face gave me my answer.

  Tori shifted her eyes away from mine and they landed on Ashlyn.

  “Ashlyn, Tori…. Tori, Ashlyn. I went to college with Ashlyn,” I announced and looked between the girls. I couldn’t ignore the look in Ashlyn’s eye as she watched me. I didn’t even want to think about the rumors, the comments, and the snickers about me after I fled college four years ago.

  I shook the thought from my head and moved toward the door. I stopped when I grabbed hold of the handle and turned back to look at Ashlyn.

  “How would you feel about coming and having a drink with us for my birthday? As you heard, drinks have arrived, and there are women just waiting to strip for my birthday.”

  “How could I possibly refuse an offer like that?”

  “Ready?” I asked with a fake smile as I looked between Tori and Ashlyn while my insides were jittery with nerves.

  “Sure,” Tori mumbled and her energetic need to get me back out into the club seemed to have disappeared quicker than I could say boo.

  “Babe, please just let me do this. I promise that next time we are out back home I’ll just be known as Eden.”

  Tori crossed the room until she stood beside me and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me in close. “What happens if there is someone out there, what if there is a guy out there that may make you believe in guys again?”

  “That’s very unlikely babe,” I huffed.

  “But what if there is?” she continued pestering. “Will you at least give the guys out there a chance?” Tori’s voice dripped with a motherly tone. Seriously, was she really going to act like I was thirteen?

  Frustration raged like a wild bull within me. My fists clamped and my fingernails dug into my palms, like a sharpened blade. Tori was the one person who knew my inability to say a word as simple as no, but here she was blatantly rubbing it in my face and pushing me until I was balancing precariously on the edge of completely losing it. Suddenly the feeling of rebellion roared to life, and I lifted my eyes from the floor to meet hers.

  “Yes.”

  I plastered the biggest smile I could muster on my lips and shifted my gaze back toward the mirror to give myself the once-over while silently wishing for confidence to burst to life within me. My gaze fixated squarely on the girl who reflected back at me. My blue eyes were wide and swimming with relu
ctance, and my red painted lips were drawn tight together in instilled stubbornness. I was very aware of whom this girl was, and I knew there was no way in the world that she could be around tonight. I swallowed hard and it only took a couple of frantic blinks to witness the girl I knew as Eden Rivers disappear right before my eyes as my gaze turned resilient. I was the girl in the red jacket, I was Kellie Carter, and I’d be fucked if I wasn’t going to play the part. I had been pretending for four years, what damage could another few hours of soul destroying lies do?

  “Let’s go.” I shot.

  I didn’t wait on their response. I pushed the heavy door open and instantly my body was intoxicated by the music coming from the stage. My lingerie envy resurfaced as I focused on a vivacious blonde strutting around in a lacy black number. Note to self: put a Victoria’s Secret visit in my planner. My heels vibrated against the wooden floorboards as I walked with fake confidence toward the bar. I slid onto the bar stool I had left abandoned and slammed down the first shot I saw.

  The stool beside me scraped against the floor and Ashlyn slid in and joined me at the bar. We sat in a comfortable silence yet I couldn’t help but notice her eyes falling to me on more than one occasion or the subtle smile constantly gracing her lips. Ashlyn and Tori soon began flirting up a storm with the very handsome bartender who seemed to be glued to the space in front of us while I continued to swirl the cosmopolitan around in front of me.