Be My December

by Rachel Brookes

  Twenty minutes later I walked into the living room wearing my comfiest sweat pants and my lay around top, which sat loosely off my shoulder. Soft music floated through the air and the smell of bacon hit my nose. My stomach grumbled in want, and I headed straight for the kitchen. Ky had his back to me as he stood at the stovetop, and I took a moment to admire him in silence. I still couldn’t believe that this guy was so intent on having me in his life without any consequence. He had the looks, the life, the confidence to have any woman he wanted, yet here I was on a freezing cold Sunday standing in his apartment getting ready to spend the day on his couch. It was surreal.

  “Are you going to come in here?” His question shocked me. He slowly turned around, a smirk on his lips as he took me in. How did he even know I was there? “I’ve become very accustomed to your coconut scented lotion, and I could smell it as soon as you walked in the room.”

  And there was the return of the butterflies.

  Butterflies that shouldn’t be there.

  “Are you ready for a Ky Crawford breakfast extravaganza?”

  I walked into the kitchen and stood on the other side of the island. Jesus, he knew how to put on a breakfast. Fresh juice, coffee, waffles, and eggs were waiting on the counter and the sound of bacon sizzling in the pan that Ky was tending to completed the meal.

  We were soon eating in silence, and I couldn’t help the deep sigh that escaped as I dug into the fluffy eggs that he had piled high on my plate. I had never had eggs this good before. He watched me closely as I filled my plate with more eggs and under his gaze my nerves decided to kick into gear.

  “How did you sleep?” His voice was spiked with something I couldn’t understand. Was it frustration? Intrigue? Suggestion? “I for one had a very enjoyable sleep.”

  I swallowed the mouthful of eggs and gulped down some juice before looking at him.

  “I slept fine thanks.”

  He nodded and I swore to God I saw a smirk and a raised brow as he looked down at his food. He couldn’t have, could he? I shook the thought out of my head and continued eating breakfast although the feeling of him giving me looks rushed through me.

  We finished up breakfast and moved into the living room. His couch looked like it was going to wrap around me in pure comfort, and I couldn’t wait to get lost in it. I watched Ky as he cleaned up the kitchen while I wrapped one of the comforters around my shoulders. The weather outside was horrendous and the rain pounding on the balcony was creating the perfect atmosphere for a day of pure laziness.

  The couch dipped when he sat beside me and handed me the remote. Yet again, it was my choice of what we would watch. I flicked through the list of movies and television shows that were on and settled on Walking Dead. It was one of the shows that I had been meaning to watch but never got around to it.

  “Eden Rivers you never cease to amaze me.”

  We sat in silence as Walking Dead started. I sat beside him completely enthralled by the show. It was all kinds of messed up. I pulled the comforter up to my chin and my eyes stayed glued to the television.

  “Shit!” I jumped and scooted closer to the side of his body. He chuckled then dropped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close to his body. I felt my body freeze under his touch but then as his fingertips ran over my bare shoulder, I instantly relaxed against the warmth of his body.

  “I lied to you before,” Ky deep whisper startled me.

  I stilled beside him, my mind replayed our conversations as I tried to find where he could have possibly lied to me.

  “I slept well until I was awoken to the feeling of you touching me.” He continued.

  Oh my god. I lifted my head from his shoulder and twisted on the couch so I was facing him. I dropped my eyes to my lap and began fidgeting as embarrassment flushed through me. “I am so sorry, I thought you were sleeping. I don’t know what came over me.”

  “You don’t have to apologize Eden. Please look at me.” His voice came out wickedly soft. I reluctantly raised my eyes to find him looking at me warmly. “I was sleeping but then I woke up to the softest touch imaginable and I liked it.”

  “You liked it?”

  “Uh, fuck yes. But please can you make sure I’m awake next time.”

  “Okay.”

  His deep laughter shocked me. “Babe, that was an open invitation. I am awake now. This right here is your decision though. Touch me, do what you like but you are the one in control. I have no say. You don’t want to and that’s also fine. We will go back to watching zombies and nothing will change. If you touch me then that’s your prerogative however I cannot promise I won’t want to touch you. I’ve wanted to touch you for so long.”

  Instantly my fingertips tingled at the thought of touching his smooth skin again. I enjoyed exploring his body while he was asleep but could I do it while he was awake and watching me. His body captivated me. My hands were shaking, and I inhaled sharply as I moved toward him. His eyes darkened and licked his lips at my movement.

  “I’m really nervous.” I admitted sheepishly.

  I didn’t even have a chance to consider fleeing because Ky suddenly ripped the comforter off and pulled me onto his body; my legs fell to either side of his lap and I was soon straddling him. He sucked in a tight breath as I settled in his lap and for a moment I felt like I was having an out of body experience.

  “Please don’t me nervous. You are in complete control. This is all you.” He whispered and I felt his hands fall to the small of my back where they rested.

  “Can I take off your shirt?” I asked softly. He didn’t speak but simply nodded in response.

  My hands ran up his arms and down his chest. I dropped my eyes and they followed my hands. The fleece of his hoodie provided surrealism at its best. The thought of what was underneath ignited my senses. He remained silent and stilled against me.

  The moment my hands touched his warm skin and slid the hoodie from his body I shuddered against the sensation. His eyes slammed shut and his head dropped back against the couch. I took a moment to look at him while my hands rested on his stomach. His eyelashes rested on his cheeks and his lips parted as he took deep breaths. His reaction to my touch was overwhelming at best. My hands left the confines of his sculpted abdomen and with featherlike fingertips I ran up over his chest and toward his broad shoulders. His body rippled beneath my touch and finally his eyes opened and rested on mine. Eyes darkened with lust looked back at me and I felt heat swirling throughout my body. I was doing this to him, and I was beginning to love every moment of it.

  Something came over me in that moment.

  Need.

  Want.

  Desire.

  “Eden.” His voice was hoarse, needy and desperate.

  His arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me toward his body. We were so close that I could feel his breath on my lips.

  “I need to kiss you again. I can’t stop thinking about how fucking sweet you taste; my addiction to your lips is in-fucking-sane. Do you want me to kiss you? Can you handle that? This is your chance to say no Eden.”

  “Yes,” I murmured and an honesty that shocked me met my words. My body on instinct moved into his, my hips pressing into his, giving him the indication that I was speaking truth.

  His mouth crashed into mine instantly stealing the breath from my lungs. I gasped at the sensation of his lips on mine. My hands slid over his shoulders and wrapped around his body as he pulled me flush against his chest. His tongue licked my bottom lip so delicately compared to his hands that rushed over my body. The moment I sighed in response, his tongue slipped into my mouth and began an intense dance with mine. I had never been kissed like this. My body reacted instantly; I moved on his lap, pushing myself closer to his body, grinding my body against his, and I enjoyed the groan that escaped the confines of his chest. Our breathing combined as I desperately tried to follow his lead. He owned every moment of this kiss. I had never shared a kiss like this with anyone before. His hands rested on my hips, but the moment
I felt his warm hands slide up the back of my shirt I stilled on his lap. He must have felt my sudden change because his hands soon fell back to my hips and the movement of his mouth ceased its infiltrating attack. He pulled away from my mouth and rested his forehead against mine. We were breathing heavily; my body was on fire, and I knew this had affected him just as much as me.

  “Fuck!” he whispered. “You are perfection Eden. I love your mouth.”

  Like a shattering storm coming from nowhere, I felt the tightness in my chest before I felt the first tears spill over my cheeks. My emotions overwhelmed me. My thoughts were contradicting themselves. One minute I was loving the feeling of his body pressed against mine, of his mouth owning me but the next I was hating that I allowing my body to be owned, dictated, and used that way. I had spent so many years hiding myself from this but here I was, in the lap of someone so unlike anyone I had ever met before, kissing him like my life depended on it and feeling a pleasure that I never thought I’d experience. This wasn’t me. This was me losing the control that I craved, that I had worked four years to obtain.

  The tears flooded my face and when Ky realized he pulled back and watched me closely. I knew he thought this was his fault when in reality it was all me. I cupped his face with my hands and leaned in, kissing his lips lightly before pulling away to find a look of complete confusion taking over his beautiful face.

  “This isn’t me Ky. I’m not this girl. I don’t do this.”

  His arms tightened around me and pulled me closer. “You deserve it all babe; to be kissed, held, caressed, loved, and cherished. That’s your given right. Your tears confuse me; they destroy me; they frustrate me because I know someone has taken this away from you.”

  He knew.

  “I want your thoughts, your fears, and all of your desires. It’s time for you to tell me everything Eden. Right here, right now,” Ky continued as his fingers ran through my hair tenderly.

  I pulled away from his chest and climbed off his lap until I stood by the couch desperate for an escape. “I, uh, please don’t ask me that. I need to use the bathroom.”

  I rushed out of the living room and escaped into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I rubbed my chest as I felt panic rise within me. The thought of opening up, of telling my deepest secrets to Ky, scared me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him look at me like I was broken, like I was a wounded animal barely hanging on for life. That thought alone confused me because if I were to be honest with myself, I had already considered revealing everything to him and I don’t know why.

  I splashed some water on my face and counted to ten, inhaling and exhaling deeply as the panic subsided. If I walked out and pretended none of this happened maybe he wouldn’t pressure me. I did a silent prayer and walked out of the bathroom and into the living room knowing that the longer I hid myself away the more chance that he would make a big deal of it.

  The moment I appeared he spoke. “Eden, look at me,” he demanded in a soft voice that caressed my heart.

  I shook my head and stood in front of the couch.

  “Look at me.” This time his voice wasn’t so soft.

  I gave in and lifted my gaze from the floor and looked at him. His eyes swam with compassion, encouragement, and determination. We locked onto each other, neither of us willing to speak.

  It hit me.

  Suddenly the urge to tell him everything took over and the doubts I had vanished as his eyes showed me everything he was. They showed warmth I had never witnessed before and an acceptance that I had always wanted. This man before me, who had stormed into my life, screaming in my face when he had the urge to protect me, was becoming a confusing commodity. Maybe I needed to tell my story to someone who had no ties, no connection, who I would be leaving in a matter of weeks? Maybe talking about it in the place that it happened would offer some closure.

  “Just let me talk, please don’t interrupt me,” I whispered before my confidence fled for the hills.

  He sat back on the couch, pushing his back against the side of the couch. I sat on the other end, folding my legs under myself and started twisting my hands in my lap.

  This was it.

  I dropped my eyes and took a deep breath. “Four years ago I had the world at my feet. I was in college, I had a great bunch of friends, a loving family, and I loved everything about my life and where it was going. It was almost like I was being swallowed by happiness and I wouldn’t have changed that. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My friend asked me to go to the Christmas end of semester frat party and I thought why not. I usually wasn’t one to go to parties, it just wasn’t my thing but I thought to myself, ‘what’s the worst that could happen’?

  “I was having such an amazing time—dancing, beer shots, laughing, and general fun with my friends. The feeling of someone watching me never left and although it made me feel uncomfortable, I didn’t think anything of it. The room was jam packed with people and it was so hot in there even though it was freezing outside. It got to the point that the air was so thick that you could barely breathe so I walked outside to get some fresh air. That’s where he approached me. He said all the right things; he made me feel comfortable; he made me laugh; he offered me his jacket and then asked if I could help him get more alcohol for the party. Of course I said I’d help, he gave me no reason to say no, and I didn’t think anything of it.”

  I slammed my eyes shut as I was taken back to that devastating moment. I had been so stupid, so trusting, so innocent. My skin began to crawl as Jeremey Davis seeped back into my thoughts. I couldn’t let him win, and I knew talking about this would somehow allow me find some ounce of strength and make me feel like maybe I could finally begin to win.

  “As soon as we left the safety of the house, he changed. He grabbed my arm so rough, so forcefully, that I remember knowing that it would bruise. I wish that had been the least of my worries. He pulled me through the grounds toward the dorms, and he barely said a word to me. I could hardly keep up with his stride and that’s when I began to struggle; I knew I had to fight but the more I fought, the more violent he got.

  “He dragged me into his room, and the moment I said no to him it was like it was his role to punish me. The first time he hit me, I was stunned. I remember the taste of blood in my mouth. I think I was shocked more than anything. I couldn’t believe that was happening to me. I remember screaming no and scratching at his face but that was the worst decision in my life because after that he became unhuman; I watched the humanity leave his body because I had said no. My biggest mistake was saying no because after I did, he raped me. He made it his right to take everything he wanted from me. He took my virginity, my voice, my respect, and my contentment. Everything. I will never forget that feeling. People say that you can’t remember pain, but I will never forget it. I tried to take myself away, to escape in my mind to a peaceful place, but every time I closed my eyes he would hit me and bring me back to that nightmare. I thought I was dying; I remember tasting blood; my eye swelled shut and my jaw felt like it was barely hanging on. Hit after hit he gave me while he raped me over and over again.”

  By now tears flooded my face and my chest felt like it was constricting. Ky hadn’t said a word. I finally looked at him and found his face void of any emotion, a blank canvas, yet his knuckles were screaming bright white from gripping hold of the cushion in his lap. I sobbed loudly, gasping for a desperate breath and looked to the ceiling desperate to find some strength to continue.

  “I don’t know what happened after that. I woke up to the smell of disinfectant and my mom sobbing beside me. I was in the hospital. From that day forward I was never the same again. I was in the hospital for a week before I discharged myself. I went straight to my parents’ house, packed up as much as I could, then I escaped. I couldn’t be here. San Francisco was my destination. I stayed in a hotel when I moved there until I saw the ad for a room, so within two days of being there I found a new house, a new friend, and a life where no one knew anything a
bout me. I couldn’t be Eden Rivers anymore.”

  I didn’t know what I was expecting to feel; I didn’t know what I expected Ky to do. We sat there, not moving, not speaking, the only sound was my quiet sobs as I tried to find calm in the storm that was rumbling within me. It hurt, every part of me hurt from reliving that but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders being able to tell it to someone that wasn’t involved. Ky remained frozen and watched me so closely. It seemed like he was completely shutting down, and his face gave me no clue as to what was going through his thoughts. After what seemed like a lifetime, he uncurled his body and stood from the couch; his eyes never leaving me.

  He held both hands out to me and waited. I grabbed his offered hands and was pulled from the couch until I was standing before him. My breath escaped my lungs as Ky pulled me to his chest. His strong arms encased my body, wrapping me with warmth and offering me protection and the soothing beats of his heart.

  It was everything I needed.

  There was nothing I could have done to prepare myself for what Eden told me. Hearing her relive her torment and watching her face twist as memories ambushed her ripped my heart to shreds. What could I possibly do or say that would ease her pain? A fury that I never knew existed coursed through my veins with every word she spoke and with every admission of her nightmare I wanted to kill that man with my bare hands.

  As I held her in my arms, my thoughts went into overdrive. I believed my protective instinct of her was already bordering on insane, but now it was beyond anything I had experienced before. My mission was now simple. I would do everything in my power to make her see that life could once again be filled with beautiful and life altering moments and I planned on helping her create memories that would diminish the nightmares plaguing her life.

  My arms ran down her body and I lifted her still trembling body into my arms. She gave no resistance. Eden curled into my chest, her head resting so tenderly over my heart, allowing me to get lost in the scent of her coconut shampoo and within seconds, her arms locked tightly around my body. Moving out of the living room, I moved slowly through the apartment until we reached my bedroom. I placed her gently on the foot of the bed and once she had unlocked herself from my body she crawled backwards until she sat up near the pillows with her legs pulled up to her chest and her chin resting on her knees as if she was protecting herself.