Be My December

by Rachel Brookes

  I followed her through the crowd, and we made our way toward the stairs that led to the top floor that had the perfect view of the dance floor. As I crossed the crowded floor, I felt his eyes burning into me. I always knew the exact moment when his devastatingly seductive eyes were on me. My breath would hitch, the hairs on my arms would stand, and I would lick my lips in anticipation. I loved being under his gaze—I had come to crave it—but now, I felt uneasy, confused, and most heart crushingly, I felt unwanted.

  I increased my pace, and Ashlyn and I made our way up the stairs and took a seat at a vacant table; the tub chairs allowed us to look over the balcony and down to the crowd.

  “So what’s going on?” Ashlyn didn’t hold back, just straight to the point. I was always so hesitant to talk about anything to do with Ky with her because they were best friends. She immediately caught on to my hesitation and grabbed my hand. “Whatever is said between you and me, stays with you and me. He may be my best friend, but we have sister pride and all that bullshit.”

  “I want to have sex with Ky.”

  She spluttered on her drink, and her eyes bugged wide open. Yep, the exact reaction I expected. She placed her glass on the table and took me in. We sat in silence for a few long minutes.

  “Are you sure that’s what you want?” she finally asked.

  “I don’t understand why it’s such a shock.”

  “Babe, this is a massive step for both of you. I love you both so much. You need to make sure this is everything you want. I know you might find this hard to hear, but you haven’t had good experiences with sex and I want it to be the best experience you could have, you deserve everything in this world.”

  “That’s why I want to have sex with Ky. I trust him; I feel safe with him, and I’d like to believe that he would treat me right. I know it hasn’t been long, but I am beginning to believe that sometimes time doesn’t mean a thing when something is right. You’ve got to understand that this is a first for me to feel this way about someone.”

  “I’ve never seen him look at a woman the way he looks at you.”

  “He confuses me. He says things to me that make me believe he wants this. I’ve fought this for so long Ashlyn; I never wanted to be close to anyone but then Ky came into my life and slowly but surely he has broken down my reserves and made me believe again. I didn’t have to pretend to want to be around him any longer. I didn’t cry after every time I saw him because I was exhausted from pretending. I feel safe with him.”

  I pushed back further into the seat, my body molding to the concaves of the pure leather, and I focused my attention back to the party and space below. Since the first time I saw him, my eyes were drawn to Ky like a moth to a flame, and I couldn’t stop the pull. Ky moved through the crowd with a confidence, a grace that couldn’t be matched; there was a determination in his step that begged for acknowledgement. He worked the room like a true professional, but the scowl that was etched over his perfect face and the severity of his tight jaw was evident even from here.

  Ashlyn leaned over the small table that sat between our chairs and fired a suggestive look my way. “How about we go and talk to this hot band you know. I want a photo with them. Is that too fan girl? Will you make it seem just like a group selfie or something?”

  The combination of Blake and Colby strikes again.

  Ashlyn and I made our way downstairs. Thankfully the effects of one too many cosmopolitans were starting to dissipate from my body and I was left with the realization of what I had done. I was forced to quickly come to terms with the brutal honesty that I had not only divulged to Josh but also to Ky.

  I looked around the bar for any signs of Colby and Blake and the moment I found them I drew in a deep breath; my wide eyes landed on Ky who was standing with them in deep conversation. Ashlyn's hand grabbed mine, and we weaved through the crowd on our way toward them. I couldn’t ignore the nerves of watching my two worlds colliding right before my eyes.

  My step didn’t falter as I walked straight into the arms of Colby and curled my body around his as I hugged him for dear life. I didn’t care about anything at that moment, and as usual, as so many times before, being in his arms provided me with the comfort that took me away from reality and soothed the soaring emotions ricocheting within me.

  “What’s going on with you two?” he whispered gently into my ear, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. I didn’t even need to ask, I knew exactly who he was talking about.

  “There is absolutely nothing going on.”

  Colby took it as cue to cease conversation about Ky, and they all fell into conversation around me. I stood in silence taking in the banter of Blake and Colby, feeling a twinge of sadness at not knowing when I would see them again. I would be going back to San Francisco in a little over two weeks, and they would be hitting the road for God only knew how long. Most surprisingly was Ky’s interaction with them. The three of them spoke of the West Coast, music, and football. He spoke so fluently, like he was catching up with old friends, yet he still kept his eyes from mine.

  “Ashlyn, I either need to get completely drunk or dance until I can’t stand. What are we looking at?” Four sets of eyes suddenly turned to me, taking in my brash announcement and offered me unwanted looks of concern.

  My eyes met with Ky’s narrowed gaze and the slightest shake of his head in dismissal grabbed my attention. I felt the waves of submission crashing within me. Intensity roared around us and suddenly it felt like everything and everyone disappeared leaving us in our personal vortex of intensity.

  “Don’t do this,” he growled into my ear after he crossed the space between us and pulled me to his chest.

  I wanted to fight him. I wanted to push away. I wanted to run away.

  “What am I doing?” I asked meekly and looked up at him, the feeling of fight floating away. I had no clue whether Ashlyn, Colby, or Blake were even still standing around us, and at that point I didn’t care.

  “Don’t push me. I am fighting every single fucking day to stop the thoughts of taking you and just when I think I have it under control you go and say things like you said tonight. Eden, why do you feel safe with me? How do you know I’m not just a guy who will fuck you and run? I could be the worst thing that has happened to you. I could destroy everything you deserve, and I can’t be that guy.”

  “You will never be that guy,” I whispered.

  Defeat and rejection were a devastating combination. Like a continuous slap to the face, over and over again, just to make sure you felt the sharpness of every contact to your brutalized skin.

  I found his pleading eyes and felt more confused than ever. For the first time in recent memory, I had actually considering wholeheartedly giving myself to a man but now that was being shattered by words that I didn’t believe. But who was I to fight?

  “You should have just told me to leave.” I whispered and watched as his face dropped.

  I didn’t await a response.

  ••••

  The bed dipped beside me at some crazy hour of the morning. I had been staring at the ceiling of the guest room for the past three hours and to say I was surprised that Ky was in here would be an understatement. I had heard the front door open and the sound of keys crashing against the glass table then heavy footsteps that disappeared into the bathroom.

  I held my breath and lay as still as a statue, faking the sleep that had evaded me. The pillow beside me shuddered as weight landed on it. He was getting into the bed. The coolness of the air as he lifted the comforter shimmered against my skin and instinctively my body curled inwards to provide itself with the warmth that had been lost.

  “This was never meant to happen; I wasn’t meant to fall for you,” his thick voice whispered into the silence. I remained still and tried to desperately swallow his admission. Shock, panic, and confusion circled within me. He swept my body into his strong arms and pulled me against his naked chest. My head rested against the thundering of his heart and his hand rested so soft on the ba
reness of my hip.

  “I’m sorry for falling for the perfect girl. You’ve always been the perfect girl.”

  I refused Eden.

  She had begged me to fuck her, and I refused her. What the hell was wrong with me? After what had been a perfect day and a huge success to her, I had to go and wreck it because of my fears. The look on her face as I dismissed her wouldn’t leave my thoughts. She had told me everything that was running through her head yet I still didn’t grow a set of balls and give in to what both she and I wanted; it was the only thing I wanted.

  I had fallen head first for this girl and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop.

  ••••

  Anderson Publications was abuzz with talk of the photo shoot that Eden had done for the next issue of Bangs and Beats. Everyone had an opinion on their favorite, and I had heard numerous women discussing which member of the band they wanted to fuck. Seriously, grown women have very filthy mouths when it came to musicians.

  I was standing by the copier talking to Derrick when the sound of heels connecting with the tiled floor grabbed my attention.

  “Fuck she is hot. I’d fuck her till Sunday if I had a chance,” Derrick growled beside me.

  I followed Derrick’s line of sight and my eyes fell on Eden as she walked toward us wearing skinny jeans, a black turtleneck, and the red fucking jacket. Her eyes locked onto mine, and I swallowed hard at the sight of her.

  “Crawford!”

  “What? Sorry.” Derrick's smirk said all that he needed to say, and I simply shrugged him off. “Got a meeting, Talk to you later.”

  I didn’t listen to his smartass comment. I needed to speak with her. I followed the sound of her heels then walked into the boardroom and shut the door behind me. She spun on her heels.

  “What are you doing Ky?” she breathed in defeat, her eyes dropping to the floor.

  I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I pulled out the seat across from where she was sitting and simply looked at her. She looked tired, and I knew I was the cause of her restless night. Her blue eyes had lost the spark and her will to communicate had diminished.

  The door flew open and Josh, Roger, and the rest of the team moved in and sat around the boardroom table, but my eyes were locked firmly on the girl being engulfed by nerves opposite me.

  Roger Anderson ran the weekly meeting with a shit-eating grin on his face, and I knew it was all because of Eden Rivers. She said all the right things and presented the photos that she thought would work best for the cover; she informed the team of what would be next then dropped the bombshell that she would be finished by December 28th. My head had flung up when she announced it, and just as I was about to state exactly how I felt about it, Josh’s foot kicked mine. The sharp shake of his head ceased my brief moment of insanity.

  Once the meeting wrapped up, Roger guided Eden out of the room without another look at me, and I knew I had royally fucked up.

  "Where did Eden disappear to last night?" Josh asked as he closed his laptop and turned to face me.

  "She went home.”

  “Okay, let me rephrase the question. Why did she go home?”

  “She told me she wanted to be with me?"

  "Be with you?" His brow shot up in question. Honestly sometimes I wondered if my brother had any clue.

  "She wanted me to fuck her," I groaned, rubbing my face with my hands. Even saying it out loud caused my cock to ache and tell me what a fucked-up move I’d made.

  "And you didn't because?"

  "Because I'm an asshole."

  He walked toward the door laughing. “You are going to get a major case of blue balls before this month is over.”

  “I’ve had blue balls since I first saw her in Delights.”

  I slipped into my office and collapsed into my chair, my frustrated sigh hitting the air. My mind was everywhere but work, yet I knew I had a shitload waiting. My usual work hours had ceased to exist since Eden had arrived. I was halfway through organizing my next trip to Los Angeles when I heard heels getting louder as they moved down the hall in front of my office. They slowed as they got closer to my door, and they all but stopped. I held my breath and waited for my door to open but it didn’t. The heels took off faster and disappeared; I knew she had disappeared into the elevator and out of the office without a word.

  ••••

  I arrived home just after six pm to a pitch-black apartment and emptiness lingered in the air. A storm pounded outside and the lightning strikes caused flashes of light to jab through the space. I threw my keys, wallet, and phone on the dining table and turned on lights. There was absolutely no sign of Eden. Her boots weren’t by the door, her Kindle wasn’t left on the couch, and her favorite coffee mug wasn’t on the table. It was like she had never been here.

  Panic raced through me as I walked through the empty apartment finding no signs of her. She hadn’t answered my calls or my texts after she left the office, and the longer she was away, the more I worried. Jeremy fucking Davis was out there and the thought alone sent me spiraling into a world of fear and unease.

  On the way home, I did my daily check-in with Douglas. I swear he must have been getting sick of my constant bombardment of text, emails, and calls but his response today was no different from any other day. Jeremy had been attending his parole appointments, and he wasn’t doing anything to warrant worry. Like fuck I wouldn’t worry. The guy who had raped Eden was loitering in the shadows, and I knew he wouldn’t stay hidden for long. The messages she had been receiving seemed to have stopped which concerned me. None of it sat well with me, and it caused my stomach to twist when I thought about it. Jeremy wouldn’t be happy with this new development and wouldn’t be happy with my involvement. He was a dangerous fucker at the best of times and serving four years for something he didn’t believe was wrong would only mean one thing.

  Retaliation.

  Eden had her demons that I wished I could destroy in an instance, but that would be my ultimate redemption.

  For years my nightmares had been consuming me one day at a time, twisting and tormenting me with the belief that I didn’t deserve an ounce of happiness; it was a nightmare I chose to believe. All it took was the appearance of the girl in the red jacket to barrel into my life like a second beginning and now I seemed to be living for the first time with the consideration that maybe there was hope in my future.

  I awoke to an empty bed, an empty apartment, and an even emptier heart. My mind had to have been playing tricks with me; was he really in bed with me last night? Had he really said those words to me? My heart was heavy, and my confidence shattered. I felt like I was being pushed back to the girl who had first arrived. Ky didn’t want me; did I have too much baggage for him? I deserved this, I wanted this, I needed this.

  I had practically begged him to take me last night.

  It confused me.

  It frightened me.

  It set me on fire.

  I shook the thoughts from my head and threw back the covers. I had a meeting to attend at Anderson Publications and then I would be spending some time getting reacquainted with a deliciously sexy girl called Victoria.

  Stumbling out into the vast living room, I was less than comforted by the silence that lingered in the air. The room was shadowed by the darkness of the clouds hanging in the sky that penetrated through the windows. Stormy weather to suit a stormy mood it seemed. I searched the room for my purse and found the red leather sitting on the kitchen island. My eyes latched onto the empty coffee mug beside the coffeemaker that was filled with freshly brewed coffee. A note leaned against the white porcelain of the mug that was meant for me.

  I poured myself a fresh mug and fiddled with the note, flipping it over in my hands before I finally found the courage to read his words.

  Had a couple of things I need to get sorted. Will be back later today. Ky.

  I took the note back to my room and sat on the edge of the bed. The feeling of being dismissed hit me, but
then something shocking swept through me—determination, courage, and confidence. If he didn’t want me then I needed to move on. That was the plan. I had to stick with it.

  ••••

  My arms ached from the bags containing the expensive yet deliciously gorgeous lingerie I had purchased, and I was buzzing from the numerous coffees I had consumed during my epic shopping marathon. I hadn’t spoken to Ky while I was at Anderson Publications and I had fled the building before he could get to me, maybe that’s why I had spent a fortune shopping. I felt so much better though. There was nothing like buying a skimpy pair of panties that no one will ever see to brighten up your mood. As I stepped up to Ky’s door, I fumbled around in my purse for the key but was startled when the door flew open and an anxious Ky stood there, taking up the entire door frame.

  “Where the hell have you been?” His voice was laced with panic as his eyes darted over my face in concern.

  “I’ve been shopping in the city.” I stood in the hall. “What’s wrong?”

  He shook his head and stepped away from the door. “You just can’t disappear like that.”

  “I didn’t disappear, I just went shopping. Why are you so worried anyway?”

  I moved into the living room and placed my bags next to the couch then turned back toward him. His eyes burned back at me, they were so dark tonight.

  “I… just… please tell me where you go in the future.” His reaction confused me. “I don’t like the thought of anything happening to you and with him out there it scares me okay.”

  Jeremy.

  He turned his back on me and walked through the apartment toward the dining room table where his laptop sat. What the hell was going on? I jumped at a loud crack of thunder and suddenly the lights flickered out and darkness fell throughout the apartment.

  “Shit!” Ky hissed, and I froze. “Stay where you are until I find the candles.”

  “I’m going to pack up my things and go stay with Ashlyn,” I announced into the dark space. “I think it would be best.”