The Half-Life Of Hannah (Hannah series Book 1)

by Nick Alexander

  “Trying to steal my brother’s fiancée,” James says.

  Hannah laughs sourly. “Well, you didn’t try very hard,” she says.

  “I thought I made a pretty good stab at it,” James says. “But you were never going to leave Cliff, let’s face it.”

  Hannah shakes her head. “It’s weird,” she says. “It all feels like it was yesterday.”

  “It does,” James agrees.

  For five minutes they stand in silence, each lost in memories and then Hannah asks, “Why did you leave?”

  “Why did I leave?” James repeats.

  “Yes. Why did you vanish in the middle of the night like that?”

  James clenches his teeth and stares into the middle distance remembering, then replies, “Cliff told me to go, didn’t he.”

  “He told you to go.”

  James nods. “Uh-uh.”

  Hannah takes a swig of beer. “I still don’t understand though,” she says. “I mean, you never did what Cliff told you to do before. Why the sudden... I don’t know... obedience?”

  “He convinced me, I guess,” James says. “He said you weren’t gonna leave him and that all I was doing was making everyone crazy. He said he’d kill me if I stayed too, and I kind of believed that a bit too. I was a kid. He was my big brother. But mainly, I thought he was right. I didn’t reckon I had much choice but to bugger off.”

  “God, I wish you hadn’t,” Hannah says, screwing up her face in an attempt at holding back an unexpected batch of tears.

  “You wish I hadn’t left?”

  “Yes.”

  “What would it have changed if I had stayed?” James asks. “Honestly?”

  “Everything. It would have changed everything.”

  “You were pregnant,” James points out. “You told me yourself, remember? You were with Cliff and you were pregnant, and you were about to get married.”

  “Not by the next day, I wasn’t. By the next day I had lost the baby, and I hated Cliff and the marriage was cancelled.”

  “It was cancelled?”

  “We cancelled everything. We had to. I had lost a lot of blood. I was in hospital for a week. I couldn’t have got married even if I had wanted to. And I didn’t.”

  “I didn’t know,” James says. “I’m sorry.”

  “I kept thinking you’d come back you know,” Hannah says. “For years I thought you’d come back. How stupid is that?”

  James pinches his nose as if to prevent a sneeze and then swings his head from side to side to stretch his neck. “So what happened after?” he asks eventually.

  “After?”

  James nods. “I mean, you got married in the end. Well, I assume you did anyway.”

  “We broke up for a while. Three months, I think it was. I stayed with Jill. They had a spare room in her student house, so I camped there. It was miserable. I remember we ate beans and rice every day to save money. And then we got back together. Cliff was pretty tenacious. But even then I thought you’d reappear. For ages, I thought you’d just turn up on the doorstep one day and whisk me away. And then Cliff told me you had died, so...”

  James forehead creases. “He what?” he whistles.

  “He said you were dead. I thought maybe you knew about that.”

  James shakes his head rapidly from side to side as if to dislodge this crazy idea. He opens his mouth to speak, but then gives up trying to find the right words and closes it again.

  “A motorbike accident, he said. In India,” Hannah explains.

  James raises one eyebrow. “Well, at least it’s exotic,” he says.

  “Yes.”

  James shakes his head slowly. “I can hardly believe that,” he says.

  “It’s true. So I gave up hope. And things were OK with Cliff by then, so...”

  “So you got married after all.”

  “We lived together for a few more years. I had kind of gone off the idea of marriage. But then I got pregnant with Luke. So...”

  “So?”

  “So it seemed the right thing to do.”

  “I see.”

  “So who knows what might have happened if you hadn’t left. Or if you had come back.”

  “I did, you know,” James says. “Just once. But I did come back.”

  “God, did you? When?”

  “The day after the wedding. Well, the day after the wedding was supposed to be. I sat outside all day watching the house. I just wanted to see you again. I wanted to congratulate you if you’d got married, or...”

  “Or...”

  James shrugs. “I didn’t know really.”

  “The day after the wedding, you say? The Sunday then?”

  James nods.

  “I was still in hospital then.”

  James nods again. “If only I had known.”

  “What would you have done if you had known?”

  “I don’t know,” James says. “But I was so in love with you. I was totally sold on you.”

  “Were you really?” Hannah asks.

  “I was.”

  “Really?” Hannah asks. “Or was it just... I don’t know... infatuation or something?”

  “I think so,” James says. “I think it was real.”

  “Yes, I think it was too,” Hannah says, and unable to hold the tears back any longer, her face collapses.

  “Here,” James says, putting down his beer can and crossing the kitchen towards her. “Come here.”

  Hannah lets him take her in his arms, then lays her head on his shoulder, and cries. Her angst is so powerful that she can hardly breathe. It feels the same as it did the last time James held her in his arms, fifteen years ago. A mixture of misery at the impossibility of the situation, and yet, even here, even now, a stirring of desire.

  When she opens her eyes again she sees that Cliff has returned and is standing outside on the patio, just beyond the open window. He is staring at them – his own eyes red and watery.

  She pats James’ back, then, when he fails to understand, she tries to push him away. “Let me go,” she whispers. “Cliff’s back.”

  “I’m sorry?” James says, pushing back so that he can see her face.

  “She said to let her go,” Cliff says loudly, his voice almost a shout. “She said her husband’s back.”

  By the time they have separated, Cliff is in the kitchen. “Right, that’s enough,” he says, seizing James’ forearm. “Now, you really need to go.”

  “Cliff, please,” Hannah says, stepping towards the two men.

  Cliff raises his left arm, barring her path, and even pushes her away with it.

  “Cliff!” Hannah protests. “What’s got into you? You’ve got this all wrong, you know.”

  James prises Cliff’s hand from his arm. “Fuck off Cliff,” James says. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

  “Actually, I do,” Cliff says. “Hannah’s my wife. And you’re leaving.”

  “I’ll leave when Hannah tells me to leave,” James says.

  “I swear that if you don’t butt out of my life, I will fucking punch you out of it,” Cliff says quietly.

  Hannah watches her husband in disbelief. She has virtually never heard Cliff swear. She has certainly never seen him threaten anyone with physical violence. “Cliff?” she protests.

  “Only you can’t, mate, can you!” James says, his tone goading. “That’s what I didn’t realise last time. You may be my big brother, but you’re not so big after all, are you mate? You couldn’t punch out a fucking opossum.”

  Hannah sees Cliff squaring his shoulders as if preparing to carry out his threat, which, faced with James’ stature, would be a terrifying and futile exercise. “Please, STOP THIS!” she cries, managing now to step between the two men. “Stop behaving like idiots.”

  “He has to go,” Cliff says, pointing over her shoulder. “Tell him he has to go!”

  “No!” Hannah says. “No, I won’t. I want you two to sort this out once and for all. But like adults, not like this.”


  “TELL HIM TO GO!” Cliff says, lunging at James over her shoulder.

  “Don’t you fucking talk to her like that,” James says. “Or I’ll bloody punch you out myself.”

  “People! PEOPLE! STOP!” Jill has returned and is standing in the doorway with one hand on Luke’s shoulder. The boy looks pale and terrified. He looks about to burst into tears. “It’s OK Luke,” Jill says, then, “Looks like it’s a good job I got back though.”

  At the sight of Luke everyone freezes. Hannah steps from between the two men and crouches down in front of him. “We’re just having a bit of an argument,” Hannah tells him, her voice wobbling strangely. “It’s just the same as you do with Aïsha sometimes sweetheart. But don’t worry. It’ll all be fine in the end.”

  “Just don’t anybody say a word until I’ve got these two out of the way,” Jill says.

  As she leads Luke back outside and indicates through a mixture of mime, English and French that Pascal should take the children down to the river, Cliff and James glower at each other. Hannah pours herself a glass of water and Cliff follows suit.

  When she returns, Jill says, “Really! What were you thinking?”

  “I’m sorry,” Hannah says, touching the bridge of her nose. “Things got a bit out of hand.”

  “He still needs to fuck off,” Cliff says.

  “Cliff just shut up for a minute, will you?” Jill says acidly. “Actually, I’ll tell you what. Just go outside for a bit, will you? I need to talk to Hannah.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do,” Cliff says.

  “Cliff?” Hannah pleads. “Please? Just for a minute.”

  “This is bullshit,” Cliff says, but he obeys all the same.

  “You, stay here,” Jill says to James. “If you move, I’ll slap you myself.” Then to Hannah, she says, “Come.”

  Once she has led Hannah to her bedroom and shut the door, she asks, “So what the hell is happening here, Han’?”

  Hannah shakes her head dolefully. “I don’t know, Jill,” she says.

  “It’s my fault for inviting him,” Jill says. “Shall I tell him to leave? That would be best, wouldn’t it?”

  Hannah shakes her head. “I don’t want him to leave,” she says. “I want this all sorted out. This has all gone on for too long anyway.”

  Jill nods seriously, then sighs. “But that’s not all, is it?” she says. “That’s not the only reason you don’t want him to leave.”

  “I don’t know,” Hannah says again.

  “OK, well,” Jill says, visibly switching into a rarely seen practicality mode. “This place is turning into a war-zone, and it’s no good for the kids.”

  “No. You’re right.”

  “So let me take them to the seaside for the day. We could even stay the night. How does that sound?”

  “I guess,” Hannah says.

  “We might need you to take us to the station or something,” Jill says. “Pascal’s old banger only has two seats.”

  “You can take the Renault,” Hannah says. “Cliff already said that it’s fine. But you will look after them properly, won’t you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, no dope. No masks. No...”

  “Hannah! How many times have I looked after Luke?”

  “Lots, I know, but...”

  “So, he’ll be fine. You know he will.”

  “Sure.”

  “I won’t even drink, how’s that?”

  “Well, if you’re driving, you had better not.”

  “Are you sure it’s OK for us to take the Renault?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “OK, well, we’ll do that then. That way you’ll have the whole place to fight in. And you’ll get it sorted by tomorrow, by the time we get back, OK?”

  “I will.”

  “OK, well, we had better get the shopping in before the frozen stuff melts.”

  “Sure,” Hannah says.

  “I might need to keep your card,” Jill says. “Mine got refused at the supermarket.”

  “Sure,” Hannah says, with a wave of one hand. “Whatever.”

  When Hannah opens the bedroom door, she can hear that Cliff and James have already resumed hostilities. Followed by Jill, she runs down the corridor to the lounge where Cliff is prodding James with his forefinger.

  “Nothing ever changes with you, does it?” he is saying. “That’s the fucking problem. That’s why I...”

  Hannah pushes her way between the two men again. “Just STOP THIS!” she shrieks, pushing them apart. “You’re like bloody children.”

  “You’re a bloody psycho, mate, that’s your problem,” James tells Cliff.

  “You come with me,” Jill says, grabbing James’ arm, and dragging him reluctantly outside.

  “He has to go, Han’,” Cliff says. “You have to tell him to go.”

  “Listen,” Hannah says. “We need to get the shopping in and...”

  “Shopping? Are you crazy?” Cliff says. “I don’t give a shit about the shopping.”

  “We need to get the shopping in...” Hannah repeats, “And then Jill and Pascal are taking the kids off to the beach so that we can sort this out like adults. And maybe at the end of that James will have to leave.”

  “He will.”

  “Maybe. But I want to try. I want to at least try to get this sorted.”

  “He is leaving,” Cliff says.

  “Well, maybe he is. But until the kids are out of the way, please, please, just stay out of each other’s way.”

  “How?” Cliff says. “How the fuck am I supposed to do that?”

  Hannah rolls her eyes. “Please stop behaving like a ten year old,” she says. “Just go for a walk, or go to the bedroom or read a bloody book for half an hour.”

  Cliff groans, then heads back towards the bedroom. “I’ll tell you how this ends,” he says loudly, as he walks away. “This ends with my arse-hole of a brother leaving. And it ends with him never coming back.”

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  Hannah climbs over the fence and then heads down the track. Hearing the sounds of children coming from the valley, she heads down towards the stream, climbs down the staircase, then follows the flowing water to the first bend whereupon Jill comes into view.

  Luke, Aïsha and Pascal are all paddling, Jill is sitting on a large flat rock watching them.

  “God, you haven’t left them alone, have you?” Jill asks as Hannah approaches. “They’ll knock seven shades of shit out of each other, won’t they?”

  Hannah shrugs and squeezes onto the rock next to her sister. “Let them,” she says. “I’m beyond caring.”

  “You don’t mean that,” Jill says.

  “You’re right,” Hannah says. “I don’t. But I do wish they’d just behave like adults. Anyway...”

  “Anyway?”

  “I thought you were all off to Nice.”

  “We are in a bit. But it’s nice down here, and the kids are having fun. Luke was really upset before, so this is good.”

  “The water’s freezing!” Luke shouts. “Come try.”

  “No, I’ll take your word for it,” Hannah calls back.

  “I was wondering if we can take Luke’s patch off,” Jill says. “It’s supposed to come off today anyway, right?”

  Hannah nods. “I’ll do it when we get back.”

  “Are you sure this is the right thing?” Jill asks. “I don’t need to worry about you, do I?”

  Hannah shakes her head. “No, you’re right. Get the kids out of the way for a bit. It’s perfect. I’m quite tempted to come myself. Shall I go back and pack an overnight bag for Luke?”

  “I guess,” Jill says. “Actually, I’ll come with you and do ours.”

  Aïsha, who has just splashed up to join them, asks, “Where are we going?”

  “To Nice,” Jill says.

  “Again?”

  “Yes. But we’re taking Luke this time as well.”

  “We’re not staying in that hotel again, are we?”

/>   “No, I think we might try to find somewhere nicer,” Jill says.

  “There were these really gross insects in the bathroom,” Aïsha tells Hannah.

  “Cockroaches,” Jill informs her. “There were only two, but all the same...”

  “Yuck,” Hannah comments. “Well, definitely don’t go there again.”

  An hour later, the car has been loaded and Cliff’s keys handed over. Jill wishes Hannah luck, and drives the loaded Renault away.

  Hannah closes the gate slowly. She’s in no hurry to return to the drama of the house.

  She heads around the back and crouches to dip her fingers in the pool. She watches the ripples emanating from her hand and then, seeing what she thinks is a raindrop, glances up at the leaden grey sky. But though the air feels almost wet with humidity, it’s still not raining – it must have been an insect hitting the water, she decides.

  She walks to the rear of the house, past the track once again, past the lavender – she picks a sprig – and finally returns to the porch where she expects to find James.

  Seeing that he is absent, she heads indoors to Aïsha’s room, but when she reaches the door she changes her mind and decides to tackle Cliff first.

  When she enters their bedroom, she finds Cliff sitting on the bed. “You’re not reading,” she says – an attempt at normality.

  “I don’t want to read,” Cliff says.

  “No,” Hannah says. “No, I’m sure.”

  She circles the bed and then perches on the edge of it next to her husband. “Look,” she says. “I know that this is all difficult still, but there’s something you need to know.”

  Cliff nods. “Go on,” he says.

  Hannah sighs. “You need to know that I never slept with James,” she says.

  Cliff scrunches up his features. “What?” he asks.

  “We never slept together,” Hannah says again. “It never happened.”

  “Why...” Cliff says.

  “Why?”

  “Yes, why are you even saying that to me?”

  “Because I know that you think we did,” Hannah says. “But we didn’t.”

  Cliff shakes his head, half in confusion, half in disgust. “I know you didn’t,” he says. “But you wanted to.”

  “Oh,” Hannah says, a little deflated that her great problem solving revelation has turned out to be entirely ineffective.