eyond Desire Collection

by JS Scott, M Malone, Marie Hall, et al

  “Okay,” I say, more confused than ever. I’d never gotten this treatment before.

  “Everyone’s real excited about the new album, Luce,” Cadan says by way of explanation.

  “Yes, we are!” Cassie waves a hand around the room. “Have a seat. I’ll be right back.” She disappears into the adjoining bedroom while we settle into chairs at a table near the window. There’s a view of the Sacramento River. It’s better than a parking lot, but still not very scenic.

  Cadan reaches out and wraps his hand around mine, giving it a squeeze, and leans in. “I’m really happy you decided to give us another try.”

  My insides tingle with nervousness. And not the good kind. I hadn’t said I wanted to get back together with him. I pull my hand from his. “Let’s just take this one day at a time, all right?”

  “Sure,” he says and leans back. “A lot has happened.”

  “For both of us,” I say almost under my breath. I’m trying hard not to still be upset about his cheating, but being back here in a hotel room, it’s all surfacing again. The image of Seth relaxing on my couch, laughing at something I’d said, flashes through my mind and that sense of loss deepens. Had I ever been that content around Cadan?

  I search his tight expression. No. Not ever. What we have is fraught with tension. It can be exciting, but more often than not, it’s exhausting. Pulling out my phone, I hover over the twenty unopened texts. I’m certain some of them are from Seth. But I can’t read them now. Not here in Cassie’s hotel room. Maybe I can’t read them ever. I made the decision to come back here. I should delete them and let everything about Seth go. I don’t, though. Instead, I slip the phone back into my purse as Cassie breezes back into the room, her sleek black hair flying behind her.

  “So exciting,” she says with a huge smile. “Want something to drink? Water? Coffee? Soft drink?”

  “Coffee,” I say, just so I can have something else to focus on during this conversation.

  “I’ll get it.” Cadan jumps up and pours coffee from a silver carafe already on the table. Cassie is prepared as always. He adds plenty of cream and one spoonful of sugar, just the way I like it. “Here you go.”

  I wrap both hands around the mug. “Thanks.”

  “Okay then.” Cassie hands us both a packet of papers. “I’ve worked out a schedule I want to go over so we can get everything rolling as soon as possible.”

  I scan the sheet and my mouth drops open. “You want us to perform tomorrow night in San Francisco?”

  She frowns. “Is that a problem?”

  “Not at all,” Cadan says.

  I scowl at him. “I thought you were done making my decisions for me?”

  He jerks as if I’ve slapped him. Then he leans back in his chair. “Sorry, Luce. I didn’t mean to answer for you.” Then he turns to Cassie. “It’s not a problem for me if it’s not a problem for Lucy.”

  His condescension irritates the crap out of me, but I put it on the back burner and focus.

  “Is it okay, Lucy? Or do you have a prior commitment? I was under the impression you were back and available, but if not, I’ll need to redo some things here.” She twists her pen and starts scribbling on her copy of the schedule.

  “No. I’m back and my schedule is clear. It’s only that I haven’t practiced with the band in almost four months. The new songs… they’re rusty. We can’t perform them.”

  “Don’t worry about that. You can sing songs off the last album, and if you feel up to it, maybe one of the new songs.”

  I open my mouth to protest, but she continues, “Really. Only if you want to. No pressure.”

  “We can practice this afternoon and tomorrow before the show.” Cadan studies me with guarded eyes. “Then only if you feel up to it. We’ll leave the decision in your hands.”

  His statement floors me. Cadan has always been the one to jump in and take charge, making the decisions for both of us before I even have a chance to process what’s happening. This is a new Cadan. A welcome, better version. Maybe there’s hope for him yet. “Okay. We’ll leave it open.”

  “Excellent.” Cassie spends the next twenty minutes going over travel schedules, bookings, recording-session dates, and media events. My eyes are glazing over by the time she gets to the end of her list. “Any questions?”

  “Yeah.” I close the folder, knowing our manager will keep us informed of daily events. “Just one. I drove my car here. What will happen to it if we leave in the morning?”

  “I’ll have it delivered to your house. Not to worry about a thing.” She makes a note in her book. “Excellent. Then that’s it. The new contracts are being drawn up now. You’ll have them by tomorrow.”

  “New contracts?” I ask.

  “It’s all the standard legal stuff. Your agent has been negotiating fiercely.” Her phone rings and she holds her hand up. “Gotta take this.” She crosses the room, leaving us to ourselves.

  “New contracts?” I ask Cadan. “I thought we were already locked in?”

  He smiles. “We are. But these are renegotiated to be more flexible and with more money. They were so desperate to have you back they’ve been working to sweeten the deal. Don’t worry, Lucy. This is a good thing.”

  I frown in Cassie’s direction. “That doesn’t sound like something the label would do.”

  He shrugs. “Jeff’s been earning his money, I guess.”

  “I guess so.”

  Chapter Thirty One

  Lucy

  The afternoon practice session falls into an easy rhythm that’s so familiar it seems as if no time has passed at all. Cassie’s right. We can do one of the new songs. I’m not sure what’s changed, but when the band strikes up the slow and haunting music, I throw my emotions into the song, really giving it everything I have. It’s raw and more than a little gut-wrenching, but by the time the last notes fade away, I feel purged of something. Maybe a small bit of grief. Or maybe some of my recent pain.

  Either way, by the time we get back to the hotel, my nerves have settled and I’m actually looking forward to the performance the next night.

  “Are you up for a late dinner?” Cadan asks as we walk into the lobby.

  “Sure. Just let me wash up. Where should I meet you?”

  “I’ll come by your room in about a half hour.”

  I nod and take off, leaving him in the bar with the rest of the band.

  Once in my room, I take my time washing my face and redoing my makeup. Performing is hard, sweat-inducing work. I’ve just finished painting my lips with a new lipstick when the hotel phone rings. I frown, wondering why anyone wouldn’t just call my cell.

  “Hello?”

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” Jax yells. “I can’t believe you took off without even telling me. Or Seth. Do you have any idea what you did to him?”

  Righteous outrage has me seeing red. She should understand how hurtful it was finding them together like that. “Are you kidding? This is what I get after you spent the night with him? God, Jax. You knew I was falling for him.”

  She scoffs. “We didn’t do anything. And if you’d taken one of our phone calls, you’d know that.”

  I haven’t had the courage to listen to my messages yet. But I had read the text messages. Most of them were pleas to call one of them. Or to ask where I was. I should have called Jax to let her know. No matter what they’d done or hadn’t done, it wasn’t fair to just leave town and let her worry. “Nothing happened? But I saw you two sleeping together on the couch, and Seth was naked. How is that nothing?”

  “Lucy,” she says with a long sigh. “He came over after seeing you, and his clothes were drenched. I don’t have anything that fits him, so he wrapped up in a towel and a blanket. We spent the night talking on the couch and we fell asleep. That’s it. He was talking about you all night long. If you’d answered your damn phone or come to the door when we came over, you’d have known this. And maybe you wouldn’t have run off to Destructionville.”

  “Well, what was I suppo
sed to think?” I demand, but the bottom falls out of my stomach. What she said sounded so much more plausible than the two of them sleeping together. “Shit,” I say under my breath.

  “Yeah,” she agrees and then lowers her voice. “I’m sorry, Luce. I know how it looked. I can only imagine what went through your mind. But you can’t just run away.”

  “I didn’t,” I insist.

  “Yes, you did. You’re back with Cadan already. After what he did to you? Have you lost your mind?”

  “No… Yes.” I press two fingers to my temple and sink onto the bed. “Jax?”

  “What?” She’s still angry, and I can hardly blame her. I’d shut her out and made a huge snap judgment after leaning on her for three months.

  “I don’t think I came back because of what I saw yesterday morning.”

  There’s a pause on her end, then she clears her throat. “You mean you went back for Cadan?”

  “Yes and no. Let me try to explain this.”

  “I’m all ears.”

  “Okay, here goes.” I lean back against the pillows and take a deep breath. “When I saw you and Seth… Well, I sort of snapped. I mean everyone I ever loved has let me down. My mom, Cadan, even my dad when he shipped me off to my mom’s. You’re the only one who has always been there for me. And then Seth.”

  “We’re still here, Luce. We can’t force you to trust us, though.”

  “I know. I really do. And this isn’t about that. The thing is, I have no hold over Seth. We spent a week together. It’s not like we had a commitment or anything. But the pain I felt just then, it was more than I could bear. I had to do something. Go somewhere. Do something with my life besides hide out in Mendocino, waiting for something that isn’t coming.”

  I take a moment to gather myself, then continue. “Cadan and I are soul mates. That means something. But again, that’s not why I came back. I’m not here to start back up with him. I’m here to sing. I know what he is and what he isn’t. And the man he is today isn’t one I can be with romantically. Not with the way he trampled my heart.”

  “Then why—”

  Clearing my throat, I cut her off. “The one thing I can’t deny is that singing with him fills my soul and makes me feel like I’m doing something important. That’s why I came back. For me. To finish out my contract and to give myself something I want. Not because I’m hurt, but because I need to move forward and stop standing still. Being with Seth helped awaken that part of me that died three months ago. The part of me that is strong, that makes me my own person.”

  “Wow,” Jax says. “And you think you can be your own person with Cadan there?”

  “I’m damn sure going to try. I can’t make my own album until I fulfill my contract. That’s ultimately what I want to do. So I’m here to do what I have to. Whatever happens, happens. I just have to do this.”

  “I see. Can’t say I think it’s a good idea.”

  I laugh. She’s probably right. “I’d say the same thing if the situation were reversed.”

  “Humph.”

  “Jax?”

  “Yeah?”

  “We have a show tomorrow night in San Francisco. I’d love it if you could come. I really want to see you before I leave for SoCal.”

  “By myself? I’d love to, but damn, it’s a long drive.”

  I hesitate, then force the words out. “You could bring Seth.” My tone is strained and anxious.

  “Seriously? You think that’s a good idea, having Seth and Cadan within miles of each other?”

  I sigh. “Not especially, but I really want to apologize in person.” And see him one last time before I move on. Seth has given me something no one else could. I want to tell him about it. “Cadan will either be onstage or backstage. I could meet you and Seth after. Without him.”

  “Oh.”

  I pluck at the blanket on the bed, waiting for her to say something. Anything.

  “You should call him.”

  My heart rate picks up speed. Crap. “I was hoping to speak to him in person.”

  “He won’t come unless you ask him to. He’s not into chasing anyone. And he already feels stalkerish for following you home yesterday. Just call him. If he says yes, we’ll be there.”

  My stomach flips over at the thought. I’m terrified of what he’ll say, but I have to try. “Okay. I will.”

  “Good. And remember to apologize.” Her tone suggests she’s teasing, but I know for certain she’s dead serious. I’d hurt them both by shutting them out. That hadn’t been my intention. I’d just been in a bad place.

  “I will. And, Jax?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry. I love you.”

  “You’re forgiven. And I love you too. Do your best to be sure I have a ride to see you tomorrow night.”

  “I will.” I set the receiver on the base of the phone and stare into space for a moment. I contemplate breaking out one of the vodka bottles from the minibar, but then decide against it. Instead, I crack open a Diet Coke and fish my cell phone out of my purse.

  “Time to listen to these messages.” Of the sixteen messages on my phone, two are from Seth. Four from Jax. They both denied anything happened and asked me to call them. And the rest are from my mother. Half are berating me for running out on Christmas. The other half are to tell me how glad she is I came to my senses and am back with Cadan. At least two explain to me in great detail how not to mess it up again. By the time I delete them all, I’m hot with silent rage. How dare she?

  I have no doubt she’s been calling Cadan just as much. He probably told her I’d come back in an effort to get rid of her. Why she can’t just focus on her own life and leave mine alone, I can’t understand.

  “Let it go,” I say to myself as I change into fresh clothes. “Time to woman up.”

  Sitting back on the bed, I call. It immediately goes to voice mail. I clear my throat. “Seth. Hi… It’s Lucy. I was hoping to catch you, but maybe you’re working. Umm… I called to apologize for leaving without saying anything and for, uh, not calling you back. Yesterday was a tough day.” I clear my throat again. “I’m singing tomorrow night in San Francisco. If you’re not busy, maybe you and Jax can come. Eight at Blue Jays. I know it’s a long drive, but please consider it. I really want to see you… to talk to you in person. Okay, then. Hope to see you.”

  I hit End, feeling emptier than ever. If he doesn’t show up, I know I’m going to regret how I handled things for the rest of my life. I text Jax to let her know I called, but he didn’t answer.

  She texts back. I’ll work on him.

  Cadan comes by as promised, and we head to the hotel bar for burgers. I’m even more quiet than usual. When he asks me about it, I claim exhaustion. It’s not long before I’m back up in my room. Alone.

  The rest of the night crawls by as I watch reruns of Friends on TV. I once again fall into a fitful sleep. I’m awake by six a.m., and by eight, I’m showered, fed, and ready to go. I know it’s too early, but I have to get out of this room. I take off and find myself heading toward Cadan’s room. For some reason, I have to know if he’s alone.

  His room is on the same floor as mine, at the end of the hall. I pause outside to steel myself. I could be walking in on anything. With a boatload of trepidation tempered with determination, I knock.

  The door opens almost immediately. Cadan is shirtless, dressed in jeans, his hair wet. He has a new tattoo on his chest, but I’m too flustered to focus on it. “Morning, Luce. Come on in.”

  I raise a questioning eyebrow, trying not to be affected by his stellar body. The boy has abs a Calvin Klein model would kill for.

  He grins. “I was just getting ready to order breakfast. Want anything?”

  “Coffee, I guess. I just ate.”

  “Early riser. You got it.” He makes the call and then comes to stand in front of me. He towers over me, my face level with his chest. I can’t help but focus on the tattoo over his heart.

  I let out a little gasp and lift my hand, gen
tly tracing the dragon. The scales remind me a lot of the one Seth has on his arm. Then I trail my fingers over the letters. L and C. “When did you have this done?”

  “Last week.”

  I take a step back. “While you were on the coast?”

  He nods, his eyes serious.

  “Who… ah, I mean, where did you have it done?”

  “Your friend did it… or most of it, anyway.”

  “Seth?” My voice raises a few octaves. “Are you kidding me?”

  “No. He’s really good.” He places both of his hands on my shoulders, then slowly runs them down my arms. “What is it? What did I do?”

  “Nothing. I mean…” What had he done? Hired Seth to tattoo a soul mate mark that included our initials? It just seems so cruel. And why hadn’t Seth said anything about it? “It’s just weird, that’s all.”

  “Why? Because you were seeing him? I didn’t know that at the time. Honestly, Lucy, I did this for me. And you. But mostly for me. I wanted you close to my heart, always. Now you are.”

  I don’t know what to say. Cadan is different than he was when I left him in Denver three months ago. The tattoo touches me. It’s not as if girls wouldn’t still be hanging all over him at shows and willing to sleep with him, but this is a clear declaration of commitment to me. Tattoos like that tell the world you’re taken.

  “It’s beautiful,” I say.

  “Your friend is talented,” he says. Then he disappears into the bathroom to finish his morning ritual while I sit at the desk, trying to reconcile the feelings swirling inside me. Cadan really does appear to be trying to clean up his act and is doing things that are both thoughtful and sweet. And while I appreciate it, I’m acutely aware that my heart lies elsewhere. Sure. I love Cadan. I always will, but what I feel for Seth is more tangible. It’s a different kind of connection. Meaningful on a basic human level, not a mystical one like what I have with Cadan.

  I take a deep breath and check my phone for the fiftieth time to see if Seth has answered. He hasn’t. Nothing from Jax yet either. Damn. My heart sinks a little. I don’t really want to admit just how much I want to see him.