by Ryan Michele
“No one knows I was pregnant. I mean, no one except now you. You think I want anyone in our family to find out what I did? They’ll be pissed. But I couldn’t keep it.” My breaths come out short, and tears prick the back of my eyes. It takes everything in me not to let them fall. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I miss my baby.
“Who’s the father?”
“That, I’m not discussing.”
My stomach twists as I allow my mind to go back there.
He stood by my side through coming home and dealing with the family, who still don’t know I was pregnant. All because Deke kept my secret.
Deke drives as I turn toward him, needing to get this over with so we can move on. I don’t want this between us anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I start, and he looks over at me briefly then back to the windshield. He has one hand on the top of the steering wheel, doing that cool man move. It works on him. Hell, everything works on him. He’s the badass cousin. “I shouldn’t have shut you out, but at the time, it was the only way I could deal. I already didn’t have my baby and was dealing with that. After what happened, I had to block everything else out. It wasn’t you, Deke. It was everyone … Everything.”
“Not Emery. You didn’t block her,” the man of few, yet always important, words says.
I shake my head. “No, not Emery.” I needed her, even it if was to cry on her shoulder. She spent many nights with me curled up in bed. Most of the time, I didn’t sleep, only stared at the walls, hollow. Scrubbing myself in the shower never made the dirt go away because it was on the inside. It’s still there, festering. The dirt he laid upon me feeds my beast inside, ready to exact retribution.
“She know about the baby?”
I jump out of my thoughts, feeling this strange twinge in my chest. I haven’t talked about the baby with anyone but Deke, and that was a while ago. Talking about it now feels foreign and scary.
“No. No one knows, Deke. Unless you told someone …” I trail off. He’s giving me the look of death, like how dare I even think he’d break my confidence. Knowing him now, it’s true. I really didn’t believe for a second he would. He’s not that kind of man.
He pulls the truck off to the side of the road and throws it in park. “You know how much shit I got from the brothers for not sayin’ anything. How I kept that from them because you asked me not to tell. Rylie doesn’t know. Not a fuckin’ soul, Austyn.”
I exhale a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Him keeping something from his brothers and his woman is a huge deal. It speaks of courage, honor, and loyalty. Deke has that in spades, making me like him even more.
“Thank you.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I don’t miss the sarcastic tone in his voice. “What that fucker did to you is on me. Your dad tell you what happened and the reasons?”
I nod, feeling the punch. “A little. Just that you were young, and he was your dealer. He threatened us kids if you didn’t go away and stay away.”
“Exactly. I came back, and this is what happens.” He shakes his head.
It feels like there is a lead weight in my stomach, threatening to take me down to the ground. I want to throw up. I want to scream. He’s wrong. So very wrong. But if I tell him what happened before, he’ll carry more on his shoulders. He doesn’t need that. I can carry that for him. He’s already held too much for too long.
“No, Deke, you can’t blame yourself for this shit. He’s a sick sonofabitch.”
His eyes turn scary. So much so I take a breath and arch my back toward the window.
“I’ll find him, and when I do, I’ll fuckin’ destroy him.”
I understand exactly where he’s coming from, just in a different way. While I want Deke to get his revenge, there’s something I need too. I have to close this once and for all.
“You have to promise me that you won’t blame yourself for what happened. It’s over and done with. No more of that shit.” Guilt slams its ugly head at not telling him everything, but I’ve already made my decision on that.
He shakes his head. “Not how this works, Austyn. You know it. I know it. Eye for an eye. Until I have him on a bed, spread eagle with my knife going into his flesh, it’s not over.”
I full-out cringe at the thought, and the slight scars on my body begin to tingle just knowing he’s talking about them. “I’m sorry, Deke.”
“Not one damn thing for you to be sorry for, Austyn. Just don’t hide from me anymore. Family sticks together, no matter what.”
“Right.” It kills me that I’m hiding something.
This may have to be a race. One against time. One I intend to win. I have to find JK first.
Chapter Five
The clubhouse is exactly the same as before my life was flipped upside down for the second time. Not one thing has changed. It’s home. Even as I think that, a small part of me is apprehensive about how people will treat me or what they will say.
Pulling up, I wave out the car window, and then the gates glide open. The lot is filled with cars and trucks on the right and bikes on the left. The shop, Banner Automotive, sits off to the back right while the clubhouse sits off to the left.
I park the car, and Emery bounces up. She had family things to do and needed to come early, which is why I’m driving myself. Me, I really didn’t want to come early.
Emery wraps her arms around me and pulls me into a hug as soon as my feet hit the pavement. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
“Girl, I told you I was coming.”
“I know.” She pulls away and looks deeply into my eyes, showing her meaning. She’s happy I’m back. That after I’d been lost for a while and between my job, apartment and this, I was back. “Come on.”
I follow her into the clubhouse, getting hugs on the way, but not stopping for too much chitchat. The hard shell I placed over myself is in full-swing, but answering questions isn’t something I want to do. To be asked anything isn’t something my time needs to be spent on.
“You came,” my mother states, coming out from around the bar, wearing tight, ripped jeans and a black Harley tank. Her hair is down, flowing around her, as beautiful as ever.
“You act like I’m going to bail on you or something.”
She places her hand on her hip, in the don’t-mess-with-me mom move. “Yeah. Like the other times I asked you to come and you bailed. Let’s go find your father.”
My dad stands just inside the main room of the clubhouse, his arms stretched open wide. I walk right into them, and he wraps them around me.
My father is a big man, tall and bulky, but in a muscular way. Even with the years he’s packed on and dealing with three children, he looks good. I’m not saying that in a sick way, but in an I’m female and have eyes way.
“How’s my baby girl doin’?” He kisses the top of my head.
“Good. Mom’s giving me shit. Nothing new there.”
He pulls away, smiling down at me. “I bet she is. And looks like she won, considering you’re here.”
I shrug. “Figured I’d let this one ride.”
He chuckles deeply. “Yeah.”
“Yeah, years of practice and all.”
In reality, getting one over on my mother is harder than breaking out of a prison. This is me and my dad, though—joking, laughing, being us. It feels good to have that back after being closed up these past few months. Yes, it’s definitely time to claim my life back.
“Years and years. Good to have ya here.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
He kisses the top of my head again before releasing me then going to my mother and kissing her roughly and deeply.
Their love is a once in a lifetime kind of thing. Growing up, watching it develop and come to life has made me want, at least at one time. The way my father sneaks touches, kisses, or even when he full-out doesn’t care who’s watching and takes my mother. The way they joke, their laughter filling our house with that enjoyment. They didn’t have to fake it. Ever. Their connection was just there,
strong and all-consuming.
When I was younger I’d do the ew, gross thing all the time, but as I grew older, I loved seeing that interaction between them. It made me hope and dream.
I had fantasies that I’d find a man just like my father one day. That he’d love me unconditionally, kissing me when he wanted, not caring who was around to see it, showing me his passion for me, and we’d form a bond that no one could break.
That’s what they were, though. Fantasies. Because, a girl like me doesn’t get those. A girl like me has to live in the moment. A girl like me has to deal with what life has thrown in my face. A girl like me doesn’t get to have those touches. Not now. Coming to terms with that these last few months has been part of my challenge.
Life decided to throw me curveballs. It decided to kick me in the teeth while I was down. It decided to do it again, repeatedly, not letting up, holding me down. It’s why I need to get back my control.
“Austyn!” Bristyl, my older brother Cooper’s woman, calls from across the room, running toward me with her arms extended.
Guess today is going to be a day for hugging.
She wraps her arms around me. “You’re here!!”
“That I am.”
Bristyl and my brother have been together for a while. She’s a pistol of a woman who has a strong business sense. She and my brother started managing storage units for the club. She used to manage some back where she’s from, but now runs the club’s. She was going to come help us move in, but something came up at work.
She pulls away, a wide smile gracing her face. “Come help Ma and me in the kitchen.” She pulls me by the hand into the kitchen where my grandmother, who we call Ma, is whipping up food.
She turns to me and does the whole hug thing. “So happy to have your beautiful face here again.” She gives me a squeeze, not asking questions.
This goes on for a while—the hugs and greetings. With as large as our family is, it takes hours. Luckily, I didn’t get the are you okay question too many times.
It’s not until hours later that I get my opportunity, deciding it’s time. Taking back my life means I need to get information. And today is the day to get it. I have a reason to be at the clubhouse and an opportunity I can’t let pass.
Moving quickly down the stairs to the basement, I make my way to the door I need. Turning the handle, I find it’s locked, which is expected. I reach into my bag and pull out my lock picks, a present from Tug, one of the brothers, who taught me how to use them.
Quickly and efficiently, I take care of the lock and open the door. Before me stands rows of computers and a hub. I shut the door, lock it, and move to the monitors.
Buzz taught me many things about computers and took lots of time with me in doing so because I showed interest. He just didn’t know I’d be using his knowledge to hack into the Ravage system. I like to think of it more as gaining needed information from those I love. They’re family and we’re sharing information. It’s a good way to look at it.
A hairdresser who can crack computers. No, I haven’t put that on an application, but I may be able to find a good job for it. There should be something out there that would fit that bill.
I fire up the machines, knowing Buzz has it set up with a ton of security that I’ll need to whittle through. It will take me some time, but I’ve been taught by the best.
I tried to do it from my apartment to avoid this, but the system won’t allow me to get in remotely. Therefore, I needed to come to the central hub.
Buzz has the computers set to lock down if the wrong things are typed in, so I must be meticulous with my entries.
The floor above me creaks and groans with people dancing. A faint sound of music comes through, as well, and I find myself humming to the current song. I’ve always worked better with music. This is good because I don’t have a lot of time, and I have to get it right.
Cracking computers has become second nature to me. It’s like riding a bicycle. Even with months away, I can pick it right back up. Companies keep coming up with “special” ways to stop people from getting into each other’s systems, but each of those is easier than the last. It’s a joke.
It only takes me a few minutes before I’m in. I type in the search JK Bridges, my stomach coiling as the information is brought up. Files, spreadsheets, and documents line the finder. Not having time to go through it all right then, I insert the flash drive and download it all. It only takes minutes, then I put everything back exactly where I got it, leave the room, and lock it, joining everyone back upstairs.
When I first get to the top of the stairs, I look around, noting not one person even cared I was downstairs. Why would they? Sneaky, yes. But necessary for us all.
Sucking in a calming breath, I find Emery, Nox, Cooper, Bristyl, Deke, and Rylie sitting at a picnic table outside. I join them, feeling the flash in my pocket and wanting to get back to the apartment so I can look at it.
“Family givin’ ya a hard time?” Nox asks with a grin. He and I have a good relationship. We don’t have the connection that some twins have where we can read each other’s feelings or any of that, but we’re close.
“Nothing I didn’t expect.” Actually, I expected a lot worse; more of an interrogation of some sort. Luckily, that didn’t happen.
“Hear you’re back at work,” Bristyl says, sitting next to Cooper. He has his arm around her waist, holding her securely to his body.
“Yep. You gonna come in and let me have at your hair?”
Her laugh is like velvet, soft yet a touch of rough. “Sure thing. I want pink or something fun.”
“I can totally do that.” I look at Nox, whose hair has grown very shaggy over the last few months.
He shakes his hair back with a grin. “Nah. I’ve gotta catch up to Coop here.”
Cooper, the oldest of us all, has long hair he puts up in a man bun or ties at the nape of his neck. I’ve heard every woman who’s ever encountered him swoon over the damn thing, gushing about how hot it is on him. He won’t let me touch it, so it’s become a running joke.
“You would rock the short, spiked hair look,” I tease.
“You cut my hair, Austyn, and I’ll kick your ass,” he warns, and I know he’s not joking. The man likes his hair, and Bristyl does, too, so it’s a win-win. Truth, I wouldn’t want to cut it, either. His hair is every woman’s fantasy, except mine. No, it’s nowhere close to mine.
A motorcycle roars in the distance, catching my attention, and I watch as Ryker speeds into the lot, a buxom blonde on the back, wrapped around him tightly. My stomach drops to the floor.
It’s absolutely nothing new. I can’t remember a time when Ryker didn’t have a woman on his arm. He’s ten years older than me, and my dumbass has had a thing for him for as long as I can remember. Watching him, craving him, lusting after him.
All of it was stupid. Is stupid.
Now that I’ve given up, it shouldn’t sting so badly, yet it does.
My father told me that, while I was recovering, Ryker sat outside on the front porch, refusing to leave. I briefly thought maybe he had a thing for me, too, but seeing him now, with the woman wrapped around him like a glove … No. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Ryker isn’t going to happen. The sooner that gets through to my heart, the better off everyone will be.
The blonde climbs off, kisses Ryker’s cheek, and then bounces off with a wide, satisfied smile. It’s not the first I’ve seen and won’t be the last.
It’s like a train wreck. You know it’s coming and you just have to watch anyway, cringing the entire time.
His focus zeroes in on me, and I know this because he tears his glasses away from his eyes and strides with purpose to where we’re sitting.
His large frame blocks the sun as I look up, up, up at him. Damn, why does he have to be so attractive? There should be a law: no more hot guys allowed in the Ravage MC. Of course, he’s already here so that does me zero bit of good.
Tattoos line his arms and neck intricately, like eac
h one was placed in a specific spot for a specific reason. Each is detailed in ways that make them unique and stand out. I’ve had dreams of exploring each of them and finding out the stories behind them. Fantasies of him showing me exactly where the ones are that mean the most to him. Tracing them with my fingers and tongue. Moving over him while I take the canvas that is his body in. Again, those are all fantasies I had at one time.
Not anymore.
I no longer get that. Even if he wanted to and as much as it sucks, it’s life.
“Austyn, how are you?” he asks in his smooth, deep voice, the people around us silenced. More so because they want to know what’s about to happen. The curiosity and all.
Ryker and I haven’t talked in a very long time, and I’ve made no secret of my feelings for him over the years. As stupid as it was, I was out there like a billboard sign, just waiting for him. Since they all know what happened to me a few months ago, this is like a soap opera ready to happen. Drama … go!
“Good,” I lie. “Thanks for asking.” I turn my gaze back to my family at the table. They’re now watching Ryker and not giving me an out. I exhale deeply.
“I’ve been callin’ you.” He sits down on the bench in front of me.
He has … many times. Texts too. I’ve ignored every one of them. There’s no reason now to pretend that we’ll ever be together. He’s made it clear over the years that it isn’t going to happen. It just took JK hurting me twice for it to sink in my head, and now that it has, that dream is a puff of smoke.
“Whelp, I’ve got shit to do,” Cooper says, standing up and pulling Bristyl with him.
“Me, too,” Deke adds in, doing the same with Rylie.
Not moments later, the rest of my family leaves me sitting across from the man I crushed on for years, the man who never knew I was alive. He never saw me and only now seems to. It sucks because it’s too late.
Better to get this out of the way now than wait.
“It’s cool you called to make sure I’m okay. I’m good, Ryker; you don’t need to call anymore.”
He reaches over and grabs my hands, but I pull them away quickly. “Austyn.” My name comes out like a plea.