by Ryan Michele
I rise, needing to get the hell out of there. I’ve waited forever to hear my name on his lips like that. Wanted it more than anything. Dreamed of it since I knew what that tone meant from a man. Hearing it now is a slice to my soul.
“I have to go.”
I move around the table, but don’t get far before he is standing in front of me, blocking me. I have to look up due to his height.
He’s gorgeous. His beard lining those delectable lips. Damn. It’s another reminder of what I will never have.
“Please. Let’s go talk.” His eyes plead with me in only a way Ryker can do. The fun spirit isn’t there, only all this seriousness that is unlike him.
“No. There’s nothing to talk about. I told you I’m fine. Thanks for helping find me. I gotta go.”
He captures my arms, sizzling my skin with his touch. “Baby, don’t do this.”
“Ryker, I’m not your baby,” I whisper as he leans down and captures my lips.
I find myself kissing him back, allowing him entry into my mouth. As his tongue sweeps in, I taste the mix of tobacco and tar on him. It’s not the sweet of a cigar, or the tart of chewing tobacco, but rather the salty, bitter linger of a cigarette. He steals my breath as desire and disgust of him bringing another woman here intertwine.
It’s the best first kiss a woman could ask for, and when he pulls away, it takes everything in me not to burst into tears, knowing it will also be the last.
Without words, I run to my car so I can get the hell out of there.
Sometimes, everything we want isn’t what we need. Facing a new reality isn’t easy.
Chapter Six
She runs away from me, but not before I see the desire mixed with pain in her eyes. Not wasting a second, I dart after her, through the crowd, taking the same path as her. She reaches her car first, fumbling in her purse for her keys, but I get there before she finds them.
“Austyn,” I call out, but it’s like she’s made it her mission to find the keys and ignores me. Using my index finger, I place it under her chin and lift her head until our eyes connect. Fear radiates in them, yet her shoulders are straight, challenging me.
It’s something I love about Austyn—her strength that oozes out of her. Sometimes, I wonder if she even knows it’s there. She may have been knocked down, but she’s up and moving. That’s her.
“I can’t do this,” she says softly, looking at me like she can see right through me. Like she can see all the fuck-ups in my life and all the way down to the core of me. It’s how she’s always looked at me, and it scares the shit out of me. No one else has ever been able to do that or make me feel that burn.
She was only nine, I believe, when I joined the club at nineteen, but none of this started then. It wasn’t until around her sixteenth birthday when I, along with every other man on the planet, noticed her.
It was sick. It made me feel like the slimeball that is my father. I fought it, pushing it down. No matter how she looked at me, I kept it in the no-go zone and continued to do that for years. Then her getting hurt tweaked something inside me. Made me want and crave and desire in a way I never thought possible. Suddenly, all the things holding me back didn’t seem the same. Protecting and taking care of her suddenly became top priority.
Now, judging from her expression, she looks as if she’s closed that door on us. It’ll be my job to open it back up.
Thinking back to what Green said, work will need to be seriously done.
“We’re just talking, Austyn.”
“You just kissed me!” Fire breathes life into her, and her cheeks warm.
My cock instantly gets hard, and I have to will him down.
Reaching out, I grasp the side of her face, swiping my thumb over her bottom lip. Thoughts arise of what they will look like after my cock is deep inside them or when I’ve kissed her so much they’re swollen.
“Do it again in a heartbeat.” The truth flows from my lips. There is no other way with me. I say what I mean and mean what I say; that’s how it’s always been, and there is no reason to have qualms about that.
“That’s not just talking.”
She’s right, and if I don’t calm my shit, she’s going to leave and do it fast.
Taking a step back, I tell her, “You’re right. Let’s talk. No more lips involved.”
Her shoulders droop just enough to show me her disappointment, then rise again.
I love all her small tells. When she’s nervous, she picks at the skin around her thumb. When she’s excited, her little dimple that, if you don’t know it’s there, you’d miss it, makes its appearance. Needless to say, I may not have been going for her, but my eyes were watching. The reason I waited is still up in the air, because I have no fucking clue. I told myself it’s because of my past. Only, the more I look in the mirror at the man I am today, the more I know nothing of my history touches me.
“There isn’t anything to talk about, Ryker.”
Placing my hands in my pockets, giving off a relaxed vibe, I say, “I just want to know how you’re really doing. None of that ‘good’ bullshit because, when you looked left while saying it, I could tell you were lying.”
When she gasps, I smile inside. She thinks I don’t know her, but I do. Maybe even better than herself.
“I wasn’t lying.” As her eyes dart left, she catches herself. This time, the chuckle escapes me.
“Right. Let’s just sit in your car and talk. No pressure.”
Her eyes narrow and her face reddens. “You think you know me, but I’ve got news for you—you don’t know shit.”
“Calm down, woman.” I place my hands on her shoulders, getting closer to her, and her body stills at my touch like it’s affecting her in some way.
Something in my gut tells me that I need to go slow with Austyn. Not only is it what happened with JK, but there is something else she’s skittish about. I make a decision, following what Green told me.
“We’re friends. Been friends for a long fuckin’ time. This is just two friends catching up.”
She huffs out a breath, and just as I’m about to take it as my cue, she says, “Fine. Ten minutes.” Her body gives her away, but her eyes show her fight against this, against me.
Challenge accepted.
My smile is wide. I should kiss her again, but I don’t.
Slow. Fuck, I’ve never done slow once in my whole damn life, yet here I am, trying it with Austyn. The one who actually matters. The one I give a shit about.
Sliding into the passenger seat, I see her grip the steering wheel so tight her knuckles are stretched white. It’s hot, just like all the other things she does that makes her that way.
“Rumor is you got your own place.” Starting off light is the only choice. Jumping in with I-want-you-under-me-now is crossing the friend line, something she’s not ready for.
Her chest decompresses as she continues to look out the window, making it a point not to give me her attention. That’s alright; we can play this.
“Yeah. Emery and I got an apartment.”
She makes it seem so hard to talk to me, which I don’t quite understand, considering she used to talk my ear off all the time. I don’t like this change in her.
“And workin’ again at that hair place?”
This time, her eyes come to me, fire breathing out of them. If she were a dragon, I’d be scorched. “Don’t you need to get back to your date?” The last word is clipped and tight. She’s jealous. At least that’s a start in the right direction.
“No date, Austyn.”
Her head jerks and a curl comes to her lips. “I can’t believe you came here with her then kissed me. Do you know how gross that is?”
I must admit, I’m loving her jealousness. Tells me she cares. That she gives a fuck. What I don’t want it to do is hurt her.
“She’s my cousin, and that’s some sick shit, Austyn.”
“Oh, so you do have standards,” she snaps, then turns back to the window.
I should feel a
twinge of guilt for that, but I don’t. It’s my life and I live it the way I want. I want pussy, I get pussy. I want to ride, I ride. That’s how it is when you come from a household that has so much control over you that you can’t piss without someone knowing exactly where you are and the approximate time you’ll be back.
Control is all I have.
I laugh it off, hanging my arm out the window. “Yep. Even little ol’ me has standards. They aren’t the best, but I still got ’em.”
“You’re an asshole,” she grunts out, crossing her arms over her chest and pushing up her pert tits.
Damn, they’re beautiful. Images of my cock running between them come to mind, making my cock harden, pressing against the zipper of my jeans. Fuck.
“I know. Been called worse.” I huff out a breath and leave the joking aside for a moment, getting serious. “You’ve known me for years, and I get your assessment of me. I’ve never done anything to prove you wrong. Women come and women go, but not fuckin’ one has stayed.”
“Couldn’t get your hooks in her, huh?” A small smirk plays on her lips like she thinks she one-upped me. Too bad.
“More like I didn’t want my hooks in any of them. They weren’t fuckin’ worth it.”
Her eyes meet mine, her mouth going a bit slack. It only lasts a moment before she looks at the clock. “Oh, look, it’s been ten minutes. You need to go.”
Ignoring her, I ask, “How are you really? Are you sleeping?”
Austyn closes her eyes, giving me the answer. She doesn’t sleep much. She’s thinking about what happened. Fuck.
Her head falls to the headrest. “Some.”
“So, not really.”
“Depends on the night.”
I hate that she has this. Hate that I’m not there to help her through those nights, something else she’s not ready for yet. It’s on me to figure out how to change that.
“Eating?”
“What is this, four thousand questions?” she clips, irritation dripping from each word.
“I’ve only asked you three, Austyn.”
The tension in the car is thick. Not only with the lust that I have for this woman, but from her anger, frustration, and fear. It’s all there, plain as day, like all her cards are laid out on the table.
She huffs out, “Right. Some.”
Which means she isn’t eating as much as she should. Fucking woman.
“You have to take care of yourself.”
“Yeah, I do. Now please go, friend.” Friend is said as a challenge. One that is fully accepted and will be succeeded.
“You got it.” I rest my hand on the door latch. “You need anything, Austyn, you call me. No hesitations, no questions asked, I’ll be there.” Without another word, I exit the car.
She sits there for a few moments before firing up the car and darting out of the lot.
Feet apart, I rub my hand over my face. Fuck, this woman is going to put me through the wringer. The thing is, I know coming out on the other side will be worth it. Every fucking moment will be worth it. Therefore, I’ll do this friend shit and get her past all the demons, or do my damnedest to try.
Pulling out my smokes, I tap one out and light it with my Zippo, inhaling the tar that will coat my lungs as I make my way back to the group of partiers.
I feel the burn in my lungs. My heart pulses inside my chest, craving more of her.
All in due time, Austyn.
Chapter Seven
Hands hold me down, three sets of them. Whatever they gave me makes it easy for them to control my movements. I’m weaker.
I cry out as the man stands above my naked body and thrusts hard into me, breaking the barrier I held intact for twenty years.
“Fuck yeah. Virgin pussy, my favorite,” he grunts as tears fall from my eyes and pain courses through my body. Each movement hurts more than the next, like he’s tearing me from the inside out.
“Please stop.” My words are slurred and difficult to understand.
The man just laughs as the other men pull me harder, stretching me out and yanking at my muscles.
More cries of pain. More laughter.
Laughter.
Laughter.
I bolt upright in the bed, sweat coating my skin, my breathing erratic. The room is mine, not his. Mine. Only with that realization does my breathing catch and I’m able to take some deep breaths.
I reach over and turn on the lamp that sits on my nightstand, illuminating the space. My dresser is on one wall with the mirror hanging on the back of the closet door. My clothes are everywhere, and boxes line the room. Yes, my room.
I push all negative thoughts from my head.
The problem is, looking up JK on the flash drive and finding out more about him, it opened it all back up. The helplessness, the hurt, the anger—all of it bubbles to the surface.
That man took two things from me that I can never get back, and he must pay for it. He will pay for it.
He got away last time, when he sliced at my body, making me bleed and enjoying it like the sick, twisted fuck he is. The world needs to be rid of filth like him. I need to be rid of him. He needs to know what it feels like to bleed, inside and out.
After a shower where I tried to rid the dirt and dream from me, I pull open my laptop and scroll through the information again. There isn’t a lot to go on, which sucks, but there are some offshore accounts that I can suspend so he can’t get any money from them. Then, with a few clicks, I alter each account so the money spins around in cyberspace, jumping from bank to bank and making it so it dumps into an account for me. I’ll call it restitution. It’s the least he can do for me. Even his millions won’t fix all the damage he’s done, but maybe it’ll weed him out.
Adding a few worms to the email addresses he uses most is about the best I have so far, because I needed a break and fell asleep.
The brothers have been looking hard for him, but they have come up shy each time they get close, at least according to the notes Buzz has in the system. There are details of where JK was and at what times. Then how the club thinks he slipped away. They are trying to track a pattern, and their notes are meticulous.
As a knock comes to the door, I shut the laptop and open the door.
My father is standing on the other side. Emery must have let him into the apartment.
“Hey, Dad.”
He walks in, turns to me, and crosses his arms. This is the pose for when I’ve done something I shouldn’t have. Fear spikes that he figured out about me going into the computers. I don’t see how, though, considering I put everything back the way it’s supposed to be. He’s so damn smart; I wouldn’t put it past him to know. Shit.
“Care to tell me what that scene with Ryker was about?”
Part of me is relieved. Not that I want to talk about Ryker, but it’s better than the computers.
“Nothing. There’s nothing.”
“Bullshit. Don’t play games with me. Ryker isn’t a man who will accept that.”
Anger spikes, but I control it. “Thought you didn’t get involved in shit like this.”
“If it involves you, then yeah, I get involved.” He moves closer to me. “You’ve changed since that shit happened to you, and I don’t know what to do to help.”
I have in more ways than one. Some things will never be the same. I don’t think I’ll ever be back to the me before all this went down. That doesn’t mean I’m not a survivor. That’s what my parents taught me—how to fuckin’ survive.
“We all change, Dad. It’s part of growing up and becoming your own person.”
He steps closer. “Not like this. Not changin’ who you are and becomin’ somethin’ you’re not.”
My dad and I are close. There were times when he was so protective it felt suffocating. Then there were other times when I wished anything for him to be with me, yet he’d given me space.
He’s always said we need to spread our wings and fly, but it doesn’t mean he has to like it. With my brothers, it’s differ
ent. I know it. They know it. He knows it. I accepted it a long time ago.
It kills me that he sees it. That he knows what happened to me. That he lives with that. Lives with the thought that he didn’t protect me. He did, though. He gave me strength.
He blows out a deep breath, stepping away from me and moving toward the door. Then he stops with his hand on the handle. “Ryker comes off snarky with quips, but there’s more to the man than meets the eye. His loyalty runs deep, and he’s not a man to let go of something he wants.”
“Dad, you playin’ matchmaker?” I tease.
“Nah, just want you to know what you’ve got in store.” He winks.
“Don’t. Ryker was a childhood crush and nothing more.” At least, not now. Not ever. I could tell him that Ryker wants to be friends now, but there’s no point in that, either.
“Keep tellin’ yourself that.” He says no more, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.
I move to let him out, but then I hear the front door shut and don’t bother. He’s locked it; I know it.
Ryker, I remember when he first started prospecting for the Ravage MC and coming around. The first moment I saw him, my world stopped and tilted on its axis. Something inside me changed. Even young, I felt it. I just didn’t know exactly what it was at the time. He’s ten years older than me, and I was only eight when he prospected, and nine when he joined.
Never. Not once did he ever show any interest in me, other than his brother’s kid or younger sister. He’d rub the top of my head jokingly, and I hated it. Even when I turned eighteen, nothing but more of the same, each time more irritating than the last.
I spent years making it no secret I wanted him, but he never wanted me. I got it. And it took a life-changing event to put that in perspective.
Now he’s suddenly taking interest. Like I’m a challenge or something, which is so far from the case it’s actually funny. If he knew everything, he wouldn’t want anything to do with me. It’s better this way. He wants to be friends, but I’m not even sure how to do that with him. I know spending time with him isn’t a good thing.