Bound by Vengeance

by Ryan Michele

  “I know you didn’t want to tell. Thank you for that. But it’s out now, so no more.”

  “So sorry, Austyn,” he says, giving me a squeeze.

  I look at Ryker. “Not a word. I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t bring it up.”

  “Got it,” he concedes, surprising me.

  After giving a few waves bye, we make our way back to my apartment. I feel raw and cut open, like I’m bleeding everywhere. Not only that … the dirt has come back full force. Not for having to make the choice I did, but for how I became pregnant. For what he did to me.

  Life sure loves to play games.

  When we enter the apartment, all is quiet. Emery must be out.

  Not saying a word, I go to my room, lock the door, kick off my shoes, and crawl into a ball on my bed. Only then do the tears flow.

  Moments later, the door unlocks and opens, which I should have known he would do. There’s rustling of clothes, and then Ryker is behind me, pulling me against his body.

  There is no energy to fight or talk, only to cry and sleep, so that is what I do.

  Sleep it all away.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Fuck me.

  Pregnant? She was pregnant, and I had no idea.

  As much as I’ve watched her and kept tabs on her, I never saw it coming. It’s like a slap in the face, one that’s waking me up to so much more that is Austyn Cruz.

  Deke’s a good man, keeping that shit tight to him, but we needed to know. The only thing is, I don’t have a fucking clue what to do from here. I didn’t know what was holding Austyn back, but this isn’t what I expected. Not one little bit.

  How the hell do I erase this and make it better? Fuck.

  She says she won’t say who the father is, but I’m going to find out. And when I do, he’ll wish he never laid a hand on Austyn.

  She hasn’t brought any guys around the clubhouse in years, and I haven’t heard of her dating anyone—that’s something I would know. Was it a one-night stand? Even if it was, the fucker needs to be beat down for leaving her to deal with this shit on her own. No man, no real man, would do that.

  Yeah, that’s going to be my next goal. Find out who this dickhead is and destroy him.

  Her breathing evened out a while ago, but no way in hell am I moving. She’s mine to protect and care for. I’ll do my damnedest to do that.

  I wonder if the abortion is why she said she was dirty. She has no reason to feel that way. We all have choices in our life. Regardless, I can see this one is tearing her up.

  Asking questions is out, at least for now. She’s too raw, and causing her more pain is not my intention.

  Austyn’s “dirt” isn’t on her skin; it’s in her soul. The baby, coupled with what JK did to her, she feels like she’s unworthy. The pieces are starting to fall into place on why she decided to push me away when I finally got the stick out of my ass.

  She doesn’t think she deserves me, but she’s wrong. I don’t deserve her, yet I don’t give a fuck. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she feels beautiful, that what has happened in her life doesn’t make her filthy in any way. She had no choice with JK. He kidnapped her. That’s on him, not her.

  I hate that she feels this way. My teeth grind from knowing she’s felt this way for months—that’s when Deke came home. Even before then, she went to doctor appointments by herself, and then made the decision all by herself. Alone.

  That pisses me off. Had I known, I would’ve been at her back every step of the way, even if she didn’t want me there.

  Squeezing her a little tighter, I dread tomorrow morning. Austyn will be pissed at me. She’s too damn smart for her own good. She’ll know I voiced my concerns, and that’s why she was brought in.

  I’ll take the heat for it, let her yell and get pissed at me. Maybe focusing her anger on me will help. Hell, I don’t know.

  On that note, I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, holding my girl.

  “Let go.” Austyn’s voice comes low and lethal as I wake up from a deep sleep, consciousness not quite there yet.

  “What?”

  “I said, let go!” she says louder. I can feel the anger pumping off her body. She’s pissed and has every right to be. I hate it, but I also respect it.

  Releasing her from my grasp, she rolls quickly away from me and off the bed.

  “I want you to get out.” Her eyes are narrowed into slits, everything directed at me. “Now.”

  Sitting up, I swipe my hand over my face, knocking the sleep away from them, then rise. Before I go, I say, “This shit doesn’t change the way I feel about you. You’re beautiful, and I’ll stop at nothing to remind you of that.”

  The door slams behind me, and then Austyn yells some curses loudly and angrily.

  One step forward, five steps back with this woman. I knew it, though. Fuck.

  Entering the dining area, I find Emery is in the kitchen, making something to eat.

  “So, I’m guessing she’s pissed at ya?” She chuckles. “What’d you do this time?”

  I shake my head as I fall into the recliner and lean back.

  Emery gets very quiet. That’s when I notice Austyn at the mouth of the hallway, fire breathing out of her eyes. Pretty sure, if she could kill me with them, she would.

  She storms into the kitchen and opens the fridge, taking out the orange juice then slamming the door so hard the shit on the top shakes. “You might as well know since all of Ravage MC is going to be talking about my business.” I make a move to stop her, but her icy glare stops me. “The reason I went up to see your brother was because I had an abortion.”

  Emery’s mouth falls open, her eyes bulging out. “What?” she whispers softly.

  “Yep. And asshole over there”—she points at me—“went and told my father that something was up with me, so they were going to force Deke’s hand. Therefore, I had to tell.”

  Austyn reaches into a cabinet, pulling out a glass then pouring some juice into it. Taking a quick drink, she then says, “Yep, so now everyone is going to know my big secret.”

  Emery moves fast, wrapping her arms around Austyn. Whispered words are said that I can’t hear. Emery doesn’t let go of her for a long time. When she does, they both are misty-eyed. Austyn does everything in her power to avoid me like I’m the plague.

  “Do you want something to eat?” Emery asks me, obviously understanding Austyn’s cold shoulder.

  Just then, a knock comes at the door and I move to answer it. Nox stands on the other side.

  “Hello!” he calls out, stepping inside the apartment with a wide smile, and I take this as a sign.

  “You stayin’ for a while?”

  “Yep.” He looks over at his sister, still smiling.

  “Good. I’m heading out for a bit. Stay until I get back.”

  Emery gasps from behind me. I know why. I haven’t left Austyn’s side since I started being her protection. But I know she needs a break from me to gather herself, so I’m going to give it to her. Anyway, I really need to get on my bike and ride for a while.

  “Sure, yeah, no problem.” Nox’s focus skips between the three of us. I don’t care what he’s thinking.

  I make my way to Austyn’s room and lace up my boots. Austyn’s saying something in the kitchen. I can’t make out what it is, but it has a very hostile tone.

  Grabbing my keys, I head back into the main room, and yes, Austyn is still firing daggers at me.

  “I’m gonna head out for a while. Be back in a bit.”

  “Good,” Austyn says just as I slam the door shut.

  I need the wind in my face and sun on my skin. Pulling out a smoke, that’s exactly what I do while I think about how I’m going to patch things over with Austyn.

  I need a ride. The air, the freedom, and time to soothe the rage inside me that wants to rip JK limb from limb.

  This is far from over, my beautiful woman. No, Austyn Cruz, this is just the beginning.

  Chapter Sixteen

&nb
sp; My bravado leaves once the door closes. I fall onto the couch like a sack of leaves, my energy draining quickly. Closing my eyes does nothing to help the messed-up, twisted feelings swirling inside me, threatening to take over and implode around me. I flex my fingers, hoping to release the tension forming in me, but do a shit job at it.

  Being slammed in the face with a two-by-four will do that to a woman. It’s exactly what happened to me last night, having to expose something that should’ve remained buried. It’s left me raw and wide open, so wide all the anger is focused on Ryker for starting all this. That’s an emotion I hack very well—anger—but it’s exhausting.

  Nox plops down next to me, patting me on the leg. “What’s goin’ on with you?”

  Staring up at the ceiling, I tell him, “If I’d have known you were coming, I could’ve saved the big reveal for both of you at the same time.”

  “Austyn,” Emery chastises my smart-ass remark, but I ignore her.

  “I went up to Deke’s to terminate my pregnancy.”

  The couch shakes from Nox’s response. “Holy fuck.”

  I don’t bother looking at him, but with him being my twin and being together our entire lives, I’m sure his face is turning red and the vein in his neck is starting to thump harder. His fists are probably clamped tight, and I can he’s breathing out of his mouth more than his nose.

  “Who’s the father?” he asks curtly. See? Pissed off.

  “That, I’m not discussing. I’m also not discussing why I did it. All you need to know is what I told you.” Being a broken record and saying the same things repeatedly is tiring. It must end because my emotions can’t keep going through the wringer.

  He squeezes my leg, and my focus goes to him.

  “Why didn’t you come to me?”

  “Dad said the same thing. You can get that story from him. I’m tired of talking about it.” And I am. I love my family, but bringing all this up is killing me. It’s making me relive it. My family can’t want that.

  “Alright. What the fuck is goin’ on with you and Ryker?” He changes the topic instantly to another one that is off-limits. Lovely.

  “Not talking about that, either, Nox.”

  Emery falls into the recliner with a cup of yogurt, eating away. “He sleeps with her and lots of noises come from the room.”

  I grab the throw pillow next to me and toss it at her. Her hand jolts up and yogurt covers her shirt.

  “Austyn! What the fuck!” She stands up immediately, going to the kitchen.

  “Don’t spread my business,” I warn. Why does everyone feel the need to do this? It’s frustrating.

  “I don’t get you,” Emery says in a huff, dipping a paper towel under the tap then wiping her shirt. “You’ve wanted him forever. You have him here, in your bed, what you’ve always wanted, and no-go.”

  “Did you not hear that he forced my father to make me tell them?”

  She tosses the paper towel in the trash. “I get that. It was shit, but before that all came out. Are you punishing yourself because you had an abortion?”

  Her question hits me so hard breaths are tough to take. Part of me is. I’ve known it from the moment I walked out of that clinic feeling empty. Not just that, but add in how the baby was conceived and it’s all become a hazy mess in my head. All of it jumbling and twisting into a tight knot that I fear will never be loosened. Instead, it’ll eat me alive.

  I remember lying on that exam table, everything so sterile and the smell of antiseptic invading my nostrils. The large light shined down from above, then the smaller light at the bottom half of my body. When the doctor asked if I was ready, I wanted to scream and yell, but only responded with a quiet “yes.”

  Tears fell the entire time. Some for the baby. Some for the life I’d never have. Some for the love I’d never feel. Some for the destruction that had been laid at my feet. All of it compiling into swamp inside my head. A swamp that threatened to pull me down into its depth with each moment that passed by. The water was murky, ready to grab me and pull me under, sucking all the life out of me.

  It still feels that way sometimes, when memories of my baby come to me. Like I’m sinking into nothingness, unable to hold on or come up for air.

  Ryker knows about the baby, but not the other thing. The other would turn him away from me quickly. It’s better this way.

  I’ve grown too close to him lately, allowing him to touch me and comfort me. Those lines need to be formed again, and this time, no going back.

  “I guess.” My voice is a whisper, not wanting to respond, but knowing a shrug won’t cut it for an answer.

  She charges over and falls to her knees in front of me, taking my hands in hers. “Whatever your reasons are don’t matter, Austyn. It happened and it’s over. There is no reason to feel any guilt for it. Decisions are hard, and I suspect this one was the hardest. But there’s no guilt. No shame. No self-loathing because of it. I’m not saying go skip off into the sunset and never think about it—it’s part of your history. But hurting yourself for it isn’t an option anymore, Austyn. You deserve to be happy and loved.”

  Tears well up and roll down my cheeks. I needed those words from her. God, how I’ve needed them. Being alone through it, I’d often wonder if I made the right decision or if I ever deserve to have a baby again in my life because of what I did. Let alone to ever be happy. Why should I be happy when my baby isn’t here? It doesn’t seem right.

  Emery’s words, though … they’re what I needed to hear because the guilt is eating me alive. If they knew the reason, they would understand, but they won’t know. Emery is right; it doesn’t matter the why because it’s over. At least that part of it. The darkness inside me is still seeking vengeance, though, but it happened and now I need to move on.

  “Thank you,” I choke out, and as I do, a weight lifts from my shoulders. One that’s been holding me down for months and months. The tightness in my chest begins to loosen, and I can breathe a bit more than before.

  “You’re not going to like what I’m going to say next.”

  I toss my head back to the couch. I just had an epiphany in my life and now she’s throwing me a curveball.

  She taps me on the leg, and I lift my head.

  “I know you’re pissed at Ryker.”

  “Emery …” I warn, but she doesn’t stop, just railroads right over me.

  “He did you a favor.” My body jolts as heat sprouts in all directions. “Hear me out.” I give a slight nod, barely containing myself. “I’m not saying he should be sharing your shit, but you’ve grown up in this club, and you know how things are. It came from a good place. I know it. Ryker loves you, Austyn.”

  Oxygen will not fill my lungs, and my heart stops. Everything I’ve always wanted comes at the worst time possible. As is my luck, it seems.

  “He does,” Emery continues when words don’t come for me. “He caters to you here. I’ve watched it. You need a pillow, beautiful? Or, You can cook for me every night, as he shovels in your food like he’s a starving man. Anywhere you want to go, he’s there, and it’s not because he was told to do so. It’s because he wants to be here, Austyn.”

  Sucking in much-needed air, my brain tries to compute everything she’s telling me, but it feels like a hamster on a wheel, running around and around.

  “He did you a favor by pushing that information out of you. Now your family knows, and you don’t have to hide it. You don’t have to feel that pressure alone. You have us to lean on. You want to be pissed at him now, so be it, but he did it from a good place, not being evil and vindictive.”

  “Yeah, what she said,” Nox throws in, in typical Nox fashion, and a chuckle escapes me.

  It feels good to have someone to talk to about this, there’s no denying Emery that one.

  I sag further into the sofa, not knowing what to do. Be pissed, not be pissed. It sure does take a lot out of a person—being angry, keeping it up all the time.

  My life is a tangle of webs that need to be untang
led and let loose.

  He’s been gone for four hours. Nox has called him three times, wanting to leave, but can’t, because of me. I told him to go, that we’d be fine, but he gave me the evil stare in return. As the time ticks on, my stomach begins revolting, tying itself into knots.

  “Would you stop pacing and biting that damn thumb,” Nox says gruffly, looking at his phone like it’ll magically ring any second.

  Ripping my thumb away from my teeth, not realizing it was there in the first place, unease washes over me. Is he coming back? Is he hurt? Is he so pissed off at me he can’t be in my presence?

  Time moves slowly, like the tick of the clock has taken way too much valium.

  Five hours, and no Ryker. Butterflies swarm in my stomach.

  Six hours, and no Ryker. My mouth dries. Drinking water doesn’t help.

  Seven hours. Pacing the floor.

  When the rumble of a bike can be heard, I dart to the window just as Ryker kills the bike and pulls off his helmet, shaking his head so the hair lands in a sexy way. He makes quick work of entering the apartment, and my feet lead me right to him. I throw my arms around his neck, letting the worry and anxiety fall away and enjoying the feel of him in my arms, safe and in one piece.

  “Hey,” he says.

  I don’t move. Instead, I squeeze him harder, and he kisses the top of my head. We stand there for long moments until I finally get myself under control and step back.

  “I’m happy you’re here, but I’m still pissed at you,” I tell him then turn away, heading to the couch and falling without any grace.

  “What the fuck, man?” Nox says, already moving toward the door. He loves me, but his life is busy and something he can keep to himself. “Been fuckin’ callin’ you for hours.”

  Ryker pulls out his phone. “Yep, I see you have. Been ridin’; didn’t hear.”

  “Next time, we’re setting a time limit.” Nox calls out his byes and is gone, slamming the door behind him.

  Ryker sits next to me on the couch, leaving room between us. The space feels like a thousand-mile deep void, so close yet so far away.