Changing Course

by Aly Martinez

  I can barely breathe. My chest feels like it’s going to collapse at any second. I know what I'm about to say, and it is scares the hell out of me. I can't do this emotional roller coaster anymore. I don't want the drama, the longing, the feeling that I'm constantly waiting for something to change. I may not be able to give up on her as a person, but I can finally let my Sarah go.

  "I loved you too." I suck in a breath. The past tense of those words is enough to bring me to my knees, but I have to finish. "Sarah, I'll always be here for you. Every single Thursday for the rest of your life, I'll be knocking on your door. You can act like a bitch, you can call me names, you can try to lock me out, but I'll always come back. You would have done that for me. But there will never be another Brett and Sarah Sharp.

  “You moved on four years ago, and tonight..." I pause terrified to finish the sentence. It needs to be said though, for both of us. "Well, tonight I'm moving on too." I wait for my words to sink in. Surely this will have some emotional effect on her, but she stands stock still seemingly unfazed.

  Just as I'm about to repeat myself, a small mischievous smile creeps across her face. "Okay," she says, walking out of the kitchen and into her bedroom locking the door behind her.

  Oh shit, this isn't good.

  "Sarah!" I knock on her bedroom door. I just unknowingly issued some sort of challenge and she was all too happy to accept it. "Open the door." I continue to knock.

  She never answers, and after a few minutes I have no choice but to leave it alone for now. I decide to head home, and deal with this tomorrow. Awesome, more drama to look forward to.

  When I get outside to my car, I have an overwhelming urge to drive directly to Jess's apartment. It's been a week since we started dating, but I've already become addicted. She always makes me forget everything else. It's more than just a distraction, though. My life has been on auto-pilot, nothing in my control. I have no choice but to go along for the ride. For a man, it's a damn near crippling feeling. Jesse grounds me. She looks at me like I'm the prize, but she has no idea that I'm the winner every time we are together. I want to rush to her right now, falling asleep buried inside of her. But that's not fair to her. We agreed to take this slow and not rush into something I can't give her when my life explodes again. The same way it always does.

  I walk into my apartment, wasting no time heading directly to the phone. If I can't see her, I damn sure am going to talk to her. As soon as I hear her pick up my whole load is lightened.

  "Hang on Brett!" she shouts distantly. "Okay, I'm back...hello."

  "Well, you sound busy."

  "No, I was just trying to catch Paprika."

  "Um, I'm not exactly a chef but does paprika run away often?" My words cause her to giggle, and it's as if that small sound makes the world tilt back on axis.

  "No, Paprika is a cat that Kara adopted from the shelter."

  "You got a cat?"

  "Well no, Kara got a cat, but we can't keep him. Our landlord has a strict ‘no pets’ policy, but Kara thought she could get him to cave. He lets the girl downstairs with the big boobs have a Chihuahua. Apparently, Kara is not well endowed enough for his tastes."

  "What the hell! He said that?"

  She starts laughing again, "No, he didn't say that exactly, but you know how Kara is. She flirted him up hardcore and still got the door slammed in her face. She told me I should give it a try next. She thinks I'm more his type."

  "Jesse, you are not going anywhere near your landlord."

  "Oh I know, that guy gives me the creeps. He's like thirty-five and always staring at my boobs."

  "Gorgeous, I'm thirty-two and always starting at you boobs."

  "I never said you weren't creepy too."

  "That is a title I will gladly accept, because unlike your pervert landlord I get to actually touch those boobs." She laughs again. I would do anything to hear that sound.

  "Well anyway, we have to give the cat back tomorrow so we are just hanging out playing with all the kitty toys we bought earlier. You should see him, he is so cute. He's white with a few orange speckles. Kara said she was going to call Nell and see if she wants him."

  She continues rambling about the cat for a few more minutes. I grab a beer and collapse onto the couch, closing my eyes and listening as her words free me from the stress that keeps me weighted down. It's funny to hear her get like this. A few days ago, she would have been saying nothing but uh and um, but now she has barely stopped talking long enough to breathe.

  "Jeez, I'm talking a lot," she says. "What have you been doing tonight?"

  "Not much, just lying on the couch wishing you were here with me." The words come out before I really think them through, but it's the truth. Damn it, I should have gone to her place.

  "You want some company?" she asks, reading my mind.

  "No, it's okay babe. I know you have Paprika there tonight. Today was just a little crazy. I'm fine now though."

  "Chocolate or vanilla?" she randomly asks.

  "Huh?"

  "I'm bringing ice cream and beer. Oh, and a movie. You sound like you need to watch a movie."

  "Jesse, we never actually watch movies...oh, um...okay I could definitely watch a movie right now." We both start laughing, when I realize she isn't talking about a movie at all.

  "Okay, give me about thirty minutes and I'll be there."

  "Gorgeous, you don't have to do that. You're already cooking me dinner tomorrow night. Don't think I'm going to let you off the hook for that one."

  "I'm not trying to get off the hook for anything. I like cooking for you. If I called and said I had a crap day, and wanted you to come over, would you?"

  "Of course, but-"

  "Okay, see you in a few." she hangs up before I can say anything else. I guess I'll be seeing Jesse tonight after all, and that thought propels me off the couch and into the shower. This day just got a hell of a lot better.

  Jesse

  OVER THE next few weeks Brett and I fall into an easy groove. We see each other every morning at Nell's and hang out about three to four times a week. I make a point to cook him as many meals as I can, including preparing his favorite fruit and granola for him to keep at home on the weekends. Last week he asked me to put together a grocery list for him, and now he keeps his fridge stocked with ingredients for me to cook dinner at his place. When he first asked about it, my heart stopped at the idea of how serious that sounded; me making his weekly grocery list. I talked myself out of reading too much into it. I have to remind myself daily that we are just dating. Nothing serious...yet.

  I haven't heard or seen from Sarah again since that day at the coffee shop. She all but disappeared. I have no idea if Caleb spoke with her or not. I can’t imagine that would have gone over well with Brett. He was so protective of her after the way she reacted to Caleb. I don't think he would be very pleased if he caught wind that Caleb showed up to have a "talk" with her.

  Brett doesn't talk about Sarah, or even acknowledge she exists. That doesn't mean it escapes me when he disappears on Thursdays. I don't ask questions, and he doesn't offer any answers. I've grown to dread Thursdays. Always worrying about what’s going to happen. Is she going to go to assault him? I can't help but feel like one day she is going to realize what she is letting go and want Brett back. I can't compete with her. He spent years loving her, maybe he still does. I can't think like that though. I promised myself to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's a struggle.

  My mind goes wild with ideas. I understand what he is doing by spending time with her, and why he does it. It still hurts like hell when he disappears every week though. Like clockwork, he calls me every Thursday night at eight. And even though we only live three miles from each other, we spend two hours talking on the phone.

  I'd love to see him every night, but as wild as things got in those first few days we were together, I know it's best if we take this slow. By slow, I mean, having sex every time we are in a fifty yard radius of each other. Brett is always in the mo
od, and trust me, one look at Brett "in the mood" would put you in the mood too.

  One day last week, he had an early meeting at work, so he came for breakfast around ten. Nell's was empty. The breakfast rush has come and gone. I was excited thinking it would give us time to talk and hang out. Brett had other plans. He flipped the sign on the door to ‘closed’ and dragged me into the back office for a mid-morning quickie. It was better than his usual middle of the night quickies that we have on the weekends when I sleep over at his apartment. Brett may have made me a little more adventurous, but that doesn't mean I've completely escaped my shy ways.

  For days after the office make out session, I wondered if there are cameras in the office. I went so far as to freak out one day when I realized I probably just made a porn that one day my mother and brother would stumble across on the internet. I don’t know why my mother would be looking at porn on the internet, but that doesn't make the thought any less consuming.

  I was so nervous, one night I woke up Kara to ask if there were any cameras. Of course, she knew the answer to this question and assured me Nell isn't that high tech. She then told me all about her sexcapades in that office, thus ensuring that it was a one-time deal for Brett and me. I'll never be able to look at that office desk the same way again.

  By early November, Brett and I were floating right along in our non-relationship relationship. We pretend that what we are doing isn't serious, but we both know its pretending. One Friday night, when we get home from the most amazing greasy dinner at a hole in a wall restaurant twenty miles outside of town, he surprises me by asking me about my holiday plans.

  "So, gorgeous, tell me what you do for the holidays?" he asks when he pulls up to his apartment.

  "Well, Thanksgiving I usually spend the day at my mom's house. I help her cook while my brother sits on his lazy butt watching football. Then Christmas, I usually just hang with Kara. My mom goes to visit her sister down in Florida for a week, and Eric goes to his college fraternity Christmas party in Boston." I stop talking when an annoyed look crosses his face. "What's wrong?"

  "Your brother goes to a fraternity party and leaves his little sister alone on Christmas day?"

  "It's no big deal. Kara's family lives in Washington, and tickets are too expensive that time of year. For the last few years, we've had Christmas Eve spa nights. Then we spend Christmas day watching movies and spiking our hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps. If I was with Eric, then Kara would be alone. Really, it works out best for everyone."

  "Bullshit!"

  "Um, excuse me?" I ask, startled by his reaction.

  "Bull. Shit." He repeats slowly, so there is no confusion about his opinion on the situation. "There is no way I would leave my sisters alone on Christmas. That's a special day that is meant to be spent surrounded by family. So I have a big problem that he would think his douchebag fraternity brothers are more family than his own blood," he finishes, blatantly upset.

  "Okay, I agree that my brother is a...douche, but I disagree about everything else. I do spend Christmas with my family. Kara. You think her being alone is better than us having a fantastic day laughing and watching A Christmas Story and getting drunk? Seriously, that movie only gets funnier when you've been drinking. I love my brother, he's great and would do anything for me, but it would be a miserable day spent staring at each other. We still fight like we are twelve. I'm not even joking, last time I saw him he tied my shoe laces together. He may be a fancy big wig attorney now, but he's still my annoying older brother deep down. Before you judge me, what exactly do you do during the holidays?" I ask, throwing some sass in his direction.

  "For the last four years, I've worked every Thanksgiving. I volunteer so none of the guys with families have to work. My sisters both go to their in-laws. So it's not like I'm missing anything. Christmas, on the other hand, is kind of a big deal with my family. Every year we get together at my parent’s house. Everyone, including all five of my nieces and nephews, spends the night and we wake up the next morning to my mom’s homemade monkey bread and breakfast casserole. Santa comes for the little kids in the early morning. Then while they are playing with their toys or sleeping from a sugar crash after eating the entire contents of their stockings, the adults swap presents." He shrugs likes it’s no big deal, but it makes me pale. Jeez, after hearing about mine and Kara's Christmas drink-a-thon, it really is sad.

  "Let's go in, Jess. I don't want you getting cold, and that shirt isn't going to do much to keep you warm," he says, glancing down at my pink scoop neck sweater revealing a good bit of cleavage. This is yet another item from the Kara Reed collection.

  "Are you working this year? On Thanksgiving, I mean."

  "Nah, the guys caught on that I've worked the past few years, so Smith signed up to work before I could. He gave me some speech about being happy to avoid his in-laws, but I know it’s a load of shit."

  Before I give myself a chance to really think it through, I rush out an invitation that I know is going to freak him out.

  "Spend Thanksgiving with me and my family."

  "No, babe. That wasn't the point of this conversation. You go spend time with your family, maybe afterward you can come spend the night and give me all the thanksgiving I need," he jokes, but his smile doesn't quite reach his deep green eyes.

  I know this isn't going to be an easy fight to win. He doesn't even know it’s a fight yet. But he's already lost this battle. No way am I leaving him home alone on his first Thanksgiving off in years.

  "Please come, Brett! You can watch football with my brother, while mom and I cook. We always make so much food. You can help keep it all from going to waste. Please! I can introduce you as a friend. It doesn't have to be a ‘meet the parents’ situation. I know we are taking this slow, but I'm not going to let you spend Thanksgiving alone. Please!" I whine, begging like a child.

  He rolls his eyes and lets out a loud sigh, "Alright babe, no need to start batting your eyelashes. I'll come. What kind of beer does your brother drink?"

  I squeal, launching myself over the small center console and into his lap. He really needs a bigger car. I'm not a big girl, but this thing is tiny. I only manage to get my upper body over it before getting stuck so I work with what I've got. I smash my chest against Brett's, then give him a deep passionate kiss.

  He laughs against my lips, "I vote we start thanksgiving tonight. You don't happen to have an Indian costume do you?" he asks, reaching behind my awkwardly positioned body. He shoves both hands into my jeans and squeezes my butt.

  "Brett, your hands are freezing!" I try to jump away, but he's holding me too tightly and there isn't anywhere to go in this sardine can-sized car anyway.

  "I know, I told you we should get inside. Just give me a minute, I'm warming up my hands." He laughs, gripping me while I squirm to get out of his icy grip. It's no use though, he is so much bigger and stronger than I am. I can, however, hit him where it really hurts, and I'm not talking about actually laying a finger on him.

  "If you don't stop now, I'm not, um... having sex with you tonight." For some reason this only makes him laugh louder.

  "Oh sweet Jesse, don't make threats you can't follow through with."

  "I could totally withhold sex for one night," I say, feigning confidence.

  "Well how about this gorgeous, we don't waste time trying to figure it out. Trust me, no one wins in that situation." He's so right. I might be annoyed with him, but I was so looking forward to a night spent naked with Brett.

  "Can we just go inside, the beer in your fridge is calling my name."

  "Why Jesse Addison, are you becoming a lush on me?

  "Probably," I answer truthfully. I have been drinking more since I met Brett, but there is just something about curling up on the couch together and drinking a few beers.

  "Well, I like it! You always get a little kinkier when I'm fucking you after a few beers." He opens his door, and heads around the car to open mine.

  If there is one thing I will never get us
ed to about Brett, it's that he's always a gentleman. Yes, I do realize I called him a gentleman after he said something about f-ing me. That's just Brett though. He drops the F-word like it's a comma. If he's drinking, it spans all parts of speech: noun, verb, pronoun, adjective. At first it shocked me, but now I kind of like it. I hate to say it, but I've accepted his colorful vocabulary as part of the sexy Sharp package. It might make me a naive fool, but hearing him refer to our nightly bedroom activities like that makes me a little hot. Okay, I'll admit it, a lot hot.

  "So Thanksgiving at my house?" I question one last time before stepping out of the car. I want to make certain we're on the same page.

  "I already said yes. Thanksgiving at your house. I'll bake a pie or something."

  "No!" I shout, startling him.

  "Jesus! What is wrong with you?" He stops in the middle of the sidewalk.

  "Brett, I've tasted your cooking. The last thing I need is my mother and brother keeling over from food poisoning. Just bring beer, and don't get any ideas about brewing it yourself."

  “Damn, that was harsh! Just for that, I'm taking it nice and slow tonight." He continues to my door.

  "Is that a bad thing? Because it sounds pretty, um...stimulating to me."

  "Oh, babe, you have no idea what you are saying right now." He drags me into his apartment.

  A few hours later he proves that nice and slow isn't always good. It's torturous, and my absolute new favorite.

  Jesse

  ON SATURDAY night, I arrive at the bar to meet Caleb and Brett. The guys spent the evening smoking cigars and having drinks for one of the detectives’ retirement party. Brett called earlier asking if I wanted to meet them out, or if I would rather stay in for night. As appealing as staying in on a cold and windy Chicago night sounded, we do that all the time. Going out sounded like fun, especially when Brett told me it was a dance club and not our normal sports bar. Since we were doing something out of our norm, it gave me the opportunity to wear something special too.