by Aly Martinez
“What’s going on? No one is telling me and they keep trying to get rid of me. I’m not leaving. Tell them I can stay.”
“Sweetheart, you really should leave, there isn’t anything you can do. I’ll make sure nothing happens to Jesse.” I’m such a fucking liar. I can’t control this anymore than I could control Sarah’s accident.
“No! I’ll stay out of the way. I’m not leaving until I know she’s alright. You didn’t see the look on Sarah’s face. It was really scary.”
“Okay, just go sit in my car. Turn the heater on and stay out of the way.
“I’ll sit on the trunk and stay out of the way. I want to be able to hear if anything happens.”
“It’s going to be okay, Kara. I’m not leaving here without her. I just got her. I’m not about to let go.” I give her one last squeeze before gently pushing her toward my car.
Jesse
“SAY GOODBYE.”
“I can’t.”
“You don’t have a choice. None of this was ever up to you. It’s time.”
Brett
THE SOUND of a gunshot pierces through the otherwise silent afternoon air. No one is sure where it was aimed, but I know for certain where it originated. Ignoring the rush of officers headed to stop me, I take off at a dead sprint to Jesse’s front door. Sarah can kill me if she wants, I don’t care anymore. But I’m getting Jesse the fuck out of there first. I storm the front door drawing my gun.
“Sarah, open the God damn door! Sarah…” I don’t get another word out before a vase filled with daisies comes flying out the window slamming into my shoulder.
“You don’t love her! You love me,” a guttural scream rips from her throat.
“No I don’t! Right now, I really fucking hate you! Give her to me. You can do whatever you want with yourself, but I swear to God Sarah, if you harm one fucking hair on Jesse’s head there will be hell to pay.
“Why would you send her flowers?” she begins to cry.
Obviously the pissed off route is getting me nowhere, so I decide to change tactics.
“Please just tell me she’s okay. Sarah, if you ever loved me, I need you to let Jesse go.”
“Why, so you can have your happy ending and I get nothing? You can’t leave me!” she shrieks.
“Where is she, Sarah? I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you, I swear. I just need you to let Jesse go, so you and I can have a conversation about us.” The word ‘us’ feels disgusting rolling off my tongue. There is no us. I reach down to re-holster my gun. I won’t shoot her and deep down I know she won’t shoot me either.
“Sarah, I’m coming in.” I reach through the shattered window, turning the deadbolt to unlock the door.
Just as I begin to twist the lock from the inside, Sarah screams and does the one thing I never thought possible. She aims at me and pulls the trigger.
Jesse
“THANKS FOR going with me today, baby girl,” Caleb says as we finally head back to my apartment.
It’s been a rough of a day and I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically. My eyes are painfully red from crying, and although I’m sore from sitting on the cold, hard cemetery ground, Caleb needed me today. He needed to say goodbye to Manda once and for all, but he needed the push from an outsider to finally do it.
We sat at her grave for hours talking. His emotions were all over the place. He slid from despair to longing then somehow ended up pissed off. He said he wanted to let her go, and I think he meant it. I don’t think he even realizes how stuck he is. My relationship with Brett has forced him to realize there really is something missing in his life. He wants to move on, but he’s still so angry about losing Manda, he can’t see past it and into a future. God, it was horrible to watch. He’s always so strong and to see him so lost, sitting while tracing the name on her headstone. It was heartbreaking.
“You’re welcome. I’m not sure how much I helped though.” I offer him a weak smile.
“You helped,” he pats me on the leg, and rounds the corner into my apartment complex. “What the fuck?” he yells when we both see numerous cop cars surrounding my apartment. He swings into a parking spot a building over from mine.
“Stay in the car. Do not get out under any circumstances. Got it?”
“Yeah, okay,” I nervously respond.
Caleb gets out and walks over to a police officer, and out of curiosity I roll down my window to see if I can hear their conversation. The minute my window cracks barely even an inch, I hear the scary sound of Brett screaming Sarah’s name and glass shattering. At that moment there isn’t a lock in the world that could have kept me contained in the truck. I sling the door open, and take off running toward my apartment. Towards Brett.
I’m trying to keep it together as I race down the sidewalk with Caleb chasing behind me. I have no idea what’s going on, or what I’m going to find when I get there, but the strain of fear in Brett’s voice is more than enough to keep me moving in his direction. Just as I get close enough see my door, I hear the unmistakable sound of a gunshot. I instinctively freeze, allowing Caleb just enough time to catch up.
As I stand there, the whole world seems to be frozen too. I know there are a million things going on around me, but all I can see is Brett stumble back from my door before falling to the ground. It painfully steals my breath, and for a split second, I’m not completely sure it wasn’t me who caught the bullet. But the pain that rips through my chest as I watch the man I love fall to the ground is far worse than any gun could ever cause.
Brett
“BRETT!” I hear Jesse’s strangled scream.
I can’t figure out where it comes from, but I know I’m going to find out. Hope swells in my chest that she’s still alive, and I jump to my feet ready to climb through that impossibly small side window to get to her.
“Brett!” I hear her terror-filled scream again.
This time her voice clearly comes from the parking lot. I glance to my left and see Jesse standing on the sidewalk trying to fight her way out of Caleb’s restraining arms.
I’m not too much of a man to admit that tears of relief immediately flood my eyes. My knees go weak as I stand and stumble in her direction. If I didn’t need them to get to her, I have no doubt they would buckle completely under my weight. I don’t know how she is standing there unharmed, but it is the most spectacularly beautiful sight I have ever seen. Tears may be running down her cheeks and her wide eyes are full of fear, but the way she looks at this moment could never be topped.
My life just began again.
I jog over to her as she launches herself into my arms. “Oh my God, Brett! Are you okay?”
“I’m better than okay, gorgeous.” I bury my face in her neck as the last few tears escape my eyes.
“What the hell is going on?” she asks, never releasing me.
“Jesus, I thought you were in there. Jesse, fuck. I thought…” I trail off trying to get my emotions in check.
“I was with Caleb. We were at Manda’s grave.” I pull my head back to see Caleb standing with his arms crossed over his chest, wearing a pissed-off expression, but there is no mistaking the lingering redness in his eyes.
“I’ve been calling you for hours,” I say to him.
“Our phones were in the car. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you,” I say without hesitation.
“I had no idea, or you know I would have been here.”
“I don’t care about any of that. Thank you for taking her with you. I owe you for this,” I laugh, squeezing Jesse tight enough to make her wince.
“Brett, you’re bleeding!” She wiggles out of my grasp, and backs up to examine my arm.
“Gorgeous, I’m fine. It’s just a cut from the broken glass.”
“Are you sure it’s not a bullet?” she says as the worry creeps back across her face.
“I’m positive. See,” I roll up my sleeves, showing off a pretty nasty slice across my forearm, “I’m okay. I’ll get it looked at tomorrow.” I look
up to find Kara has joined us. She’s tucked under Caleb’s arm and reaching forward holding one of Jesse’s hands.
“Excuse me, Sharp?” Eli walks up behind me. “I’m really happy you found Jesse, but Sarah is still asking for you. The door is open now, but she still has the gun.”
“Fuck her,” I say without an ounce of guilt. She may not have had Jesse in there with her, but I’m positive that was the point of her breaking in today.
“Brett! You don’t mean that,” Jesse scolds.
“Yes, I do. I just spent the last few hours thinking you were either dead or dying. Jesse, I can’t do this anymore. She broke into your home…with a gun. Who the hell knows what would have happened if you had been there.”
“I wasn’t in there Brett. I was never in any danger. You can’t hold it against her that you were scared.”
“Yes, I fucking can. She could have told me you weren’t in there. She could have not shot at me. She could have had a discussion like a normal rational person that didn’t involve a gun and breaking and entering.”
“See this is your problem. You keep waiting for her to be a normal, rational person. You’ve waited for years for something to change with her. Maybe she isn’t the person who needs to change.”
I close my eyes and let Jesse’s words sink in. She’s right. I loved Sarah once. I do care if she dies, I just wish it wasn’t always so fucking dramatic with her.
“Can you get someone to take them back to my apartment?” I ask Eli before turning to Caleb. “I need you here. This might get…interesting.”
“I’m here,” he nods, walking back towards his truck to presumably get his gun.
“I’m not leaving,” Jesse says beside me.
“Yes, you are. I already died once tonight when I thought you were in there. Gorgeous, I don’t want you anywhere near her.”
“I’m not leaving,” she repeats. “I’ll stay back here, out of the way. I also don’t want you near her. You need to talk to her, but she already shot at you once. You aren’t the only one who died tonight. Can you talk to her from around the corner?”
I didn’t even think how she must have felt when she heard the shot fired then watched me fall back. All I could think about was the fact that she was alive. It never even registered to me why she was so frightened.
“Yeah babe, I can do that. I’ve got my vest in the car. I’ll wear it if that will make you feel better.”
“Much better,” she sighs, leaning her head into my chest. “I know I just encouraged you to do this, but now I’m kind of scared.”
“Jesse, look at me. This is getting finished tonight. The fog vanished last night. It’s nothing but you, me, and clear skies from here on out.” Then I say my famous words from all those years ago, but this time I actually believe them. “Just hang on, it’s all going to be okay.”
Brett
“SARAH.” I call from around the corner.
I managed to secure Jesse a bulletproof vest and placed her a good distance away. I didn’t want her anywhere near this. There are two officers flanking the door, if Sarah decides to come out, she won’t make it very far. The last thing I really want is for Sarah to get hurt in all of this. Somewhere inside, she is still the hell on wheels, hilarious woman I met twelve years ago. But before this can get any further I do what I should have done years ago-I start talking.
“Sarah! Please talk to me.”
“Why are you doing this to me, Brett?” she asks defeated.
“What am I doing to you? Because from where I’m standing you are doing this all to yourself. Please put the gun down. Let’s figure this out.”
“You love me, Brett. You’ve just forgotten it.”
“Do you love me?” I ask, but I don’t care about her answer. Not anymore. But she needs to say it. Admit it to herself.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel, you love me!” her scream echoes off the surrounding apartments.
“No, I loved you. Every crazy ounce of you. You have to know that. You stormed into my life and in one night you wrecked and ruined me, then seven years later you did it all over again. I loved you Sarah Erickson, and wherever she may be in the heavens tonight, I’ll always love her. However, I don’t love you.”
“It’s still me. I’m just different.”
My heart breaks at her admission. She has no idea how many times I told myself that over the last few years. Those words are the main reason I held on as long as I did.
“I can’t keep trying to fix you. I have to accept that maybe you aren’t really broken at all. This is who you are now. I just wish you would stop trying to kill this new person too.”
“I can’t stop,” she whimpers. “I don’t want to live this life anymore. You’re all I have left after the accident, and now you’re leaving me too.”
“I’m not leaving you, sweetheart. We both need to move on from the accident. I can’t take care of you anymore. I’m sorry I forced myself into your life. That wasn’t fair to you, but I couldn’t walk away. I felt like you needed me, when in reality you just needed space.”
“I don’t need space. I don’t know what I need, but I know it’s not more space,” she says in a voice so broken, any other day it would have me reaching to comfort her. Not today though. Not ever again.
“I heard her screaming for you, Brett. The minute she called your name, you were gone. How can you say you’re not leaving me? That’s exactly what you’re doing.”
“This isn’t about her. This is about me and you, Sarah.”
She switches gears again and begins to laugh, “You can’t honestly say that. You think that little girl is going to make you happy? I’ve seen y’all together. She might be a quick fix right now, but it won’t last. You might forget it, but I know you. You’ll get bored. I saw y’all at the ball. You had to drag her onto the dance floor. You love to dance.”
“No, Sarah. I loved to dance because you loved it. I actually hate to dance. And why the hell were you at the ball?” It suddenly dawns on me that Sarah has been watching us all along. The picture that mysteriously appeared on my desk was her way of letting me know it too.
“You took the picture?” I ask in disbelief.
“Yes, and I broke it today too. I can’t believe you had Caleb frame it for you. That was something special he only did for Manda, and you had the audacity to put a picture of her in one of Manda’s frames.”
“How the hell did you see the frame? Were you in my apartment?” I ask in shock. Suddenly all the details of the day snap into place. “Shit, that’s one of my guns isn’t it?”
“Oh, don’t sound so surprised. I really thought you would have changed the combination to your safe over the last four years. Before you go and get all ‘officer of the law’ on me, technically, I didn’t break in either. You gave me a key years ago.”
“So you decided to do what? To use my gun to hurt Jesse? Destroy me once again? What the hell is going through your mind right now?”
“She won’t make you happy!” she screams breaking down all over again.
“And you will? Listen to yourself. You don’t want me, you just can’t stand the idea that I don’t want you. This whole situation sucks because there is no one to blame. Not you. Not me. Just the crazy fucked up universe. If I could just point a finger at someone, I think I could have handled this a little better. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way Caleb has been able to survive losing Manda. Blaming you.”
I hear her sobs from around the corner. I need to see her. I know it’s going to scare Jesse, but I need to look into Sarah’s eyes when I say these next words. She needs to know I mean them with every fiber of my being.
I turn to lock eyes with Jesse and whisper, “I’m sorry for this too.”
Just as her eyes go wide with fear, I step around the corner coming face to face with the barrel of Sarah’s gun.
Her hands are shaking and her eyes are wild. Despite the fact that she’s already shot at me once tonight, I know she won’t do it again. I don
’t know why I know that with such certainty, but I do. I slowly reach forward and push the gun down.
“Sarah, I don’t blame you for the wreck. Not even a little bit. Even if you were drunk that night, I know you never would have chosen this life for any of us. You were…you are a good person. Give me the gun, sweetheart.”
“No.” She begins to frantically back away from me.
“What would Manda say if she was here? Jesus, she loved you so much. She would lose her shit at the idea of you hurting yourself. She was so tiny, barely even reaching your chest, but that never kept her from getting in your face.” I can see the memories flood into her mind, making her smile, before overwhelming her and knocking her to the ground.
She drops to her knees, and throws her hands to her face, desperate to scrub the memories from her mind. I take the moment of weakness to quickly reach forward and pull the weapon from her hand and pass it out the door to one of the officers waiting. Finally, with the threat gone, I begin to say all of the things I should have said in the beginning.
Here, on an unusually warm evening with the true love of my life listening around the corner, is where it ends.
“Sarah, look at me. You have to get some help. For me, for Manda, for Casey, for your sister, for everyone who loves you, but most of all, for yourself. Even Caleb needs to see you get better.”
“What would have happened to us?” she whispers still covering her face.
“I have no idea what could have been with us, but I finally know what will never be. You can be happy again. I never thought I would get there, but I have and I know you can too one day.” She lifts her head and stares into my eyes.
“What’s it feel like, Brett? To be happy again?” Her chin quivers at the question.
“It’s indescribable. I feel alive in a way I never have before. After all of the hell we have been through, we know how rock bottom feels. But when you find happiness again, those lows only make the highs even higher. You have to understand you’re not stuck, you’ve just stalled. You can still move forward, figure out who you are, and eventually find someone who will complete the picture.