by Aly Martinez
“Is that what she does for you, complete the picture?” she snaps in angry tone.
Her sudden shift startles me. Her anger doesn’t seem real though, and I begin to realize she lashes out as way to protect herself from the answer.
“Yes, it is,” I say as calmly as possible, not wanting to put her back on the defense.
“I don’t even know how to be happy again.” I know this isn’t one of her games. I can feel the fear in her voice.
“Look at me, beautiful.” Her sad red eyes rise to meet mine. “There will never be another Sarah Kate Erickson Sharp, but that doesn’t mean you can’t choose to be someone better. You’re so angry all the time, and that’s enough to make anyone miserable. You just have to open yourself up enough to let happiness in.” She begins to laugh, but there is no humor in it.
“Yeah, happiness worked out so well for us,” she says sarcastically.
“You and I weren’t meant to be together. We were fated for failure from the very beginning. This was never the course I intended to take, but there is no doubt it led me to where I was supposed to be. I’m in love with Jesse. I’m sorry if that hurts, I really am. But you have to understand there is nothing I would change from the last six months. Not even the ability to go back in time. As much as you were my life, Jesse is my future.
“This is the end of any ‘us’ that you might think still exists. I loved you once. If you remember what it felt like to love me, I’m begging you to please get some help. Find your own happily ever after. Find someone who will love you not for the person you were, but for the person you are. Just give it a chance. I swear to you, life won’t always hurt this much. One day the sun will appear, and when it does, I promise you won’t want to miss it.”
And with that final sentence I walk over to Jess, curl her into my chest, and walk away. I can still hear Sarah screaming my name, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. Surprising the shit out of me, it’s Caleb I see rush the door and carry out the shattered woman. Her arms curled around his neck, as he whispers words into her ear. I take a deep breath and focus back on the only woman who really matters to me.
“You okay?” I ask as we walk away, Jesse tucked tightly under my arm.
“I love you too,” is all she says.
Six months ago, it would have destroyed me to watch Sarah self-destruct in front of my eyes. But because of the beautiful woman in my arms, the one who didn’t comment on all the ugly that just happened back there, I’m alive again. All she heard was when I said I loved her.
On a night that should have ruined me…Jesse saved me with four little words. I can’t stop myself as I let out a quick laugh, dragging her into a hug.
“I love you. I love you. Fuck, I love you. I want to go home. To our bed. To our life together. I want it all and I want forever. Tell me it’s forever, gorgeous.”
She looks up at me with big brown eyes and nods, saying the most incredible word she has ever uttered, “Forever.”
Jesse
BRETT AND I have spent the last few hours lying in bed. We’re naked wrapped in each other arms, but there is nothing sexual about it. This is two people who are just thankful to still have each other to hold. Today was hell. There are no other words to describe it.
When I heard the gunshot and saw Brett stumble backwards, I thought my life was over. I’d just witnessed Caleb heartbreakingly try to let go of Manda, and all I could think about was having to sit on Brett’s grave and do the same. When he stood and walked towards me, my heart exploded in my chest. I didn’t know if he had been shot, but I knew I would at least be able to hold him again.
I’ve witnessed firsthand the way death paralyzed Brett and Caleb, but it wasn’t until that moment that I understood why. It was the most painful experience of my life. When Brett explained what he thought happened to me, my heart broke for him as well.
Every few minutes Brett mumbles something I can’t quite understand. He’s not talking to me, but I can tell he’s replaying the day in his mind. When the memories get to be too much, I feel his heart begin to race just before he gives me a deep, agonizingly slow kiss. Each time he grows hard against my leg, but he never takes it to a sexual place. He doesn’t need that connection tonight. He just needs to feel me in his arms.
Occasionally he will roll us over, but he never lets me go. He drags me over with him, keeping me curled tight against his chest. We must have stayed like that for hours before he got to a point where he could actually talk.
“How did you end up at Manda’s grave?” he asks with a small quiver to his voice. It’s so unlike Brett. Even in stressful situations, he’s always cracking jokes. It worries me a little, but I give him the time to figure it out on his own.
“Caleb showed up to check on me. He said you told him we split up, and he wanted to see how I was doing. He looked so sad, Brett. I could tell something was eating away at him, but he still made time to come see how I was doing. He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah he is, gorgeous,” he says, running his fingers through my long hair.
“I told him what happened when you showed up last night, and he smiled the most painfully fake smile I have ever seen. So I did what I always do, I begged him to take me to meet Manda.”
“Of course you did.” He half smiles and rolls us over again.
He uses the tips of his fingers to ever so gently stroke up and down my side. Goosebumps immediately spread across my skin and he pulls the blanket over me.
“He’s worse than you know. Caleb may act like everything is fine, but he really needs help,” I say, gently placing a kiss on Brett’s collar bone.
“You know, he’s never taken anyone there before. I once showed up to take her some flowers and he got up and walked away without a single word. That’s his private place. I owe him my life for taking you with him today. I can’t imagine…” he trails off then reverently kisses me again when he can’t bear the thoughts that invade his mind.
“I’m okay, Brett,” I whisper against his lips. He nods, but even though I couldn’t get any closer without melting into his body, he still tries to close the invisible gap.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, gorgeous. Forever.”
Forever. It’s a single word that hold so much promise. It means, no matter what, we will always fight for each other.
The last six months have been a roller coaster. It’s been nothing but a struggle from the very beginning. Between Sarah, Brett’s guilt, and my insecurities it’s been one road block after another. It’s never been easy, but we are stronger because we overcame the struggles we have faced together. The fact that we are here in this moment…together, speaks more about our relationship than anything else.
“Do you hear that, gorgeous?” Brett says, rolling me to my back, finally trailing kisses down my chest.
“Hear what?” I ask on a breath.
“The silence.”
Brett
Nine months later…
“JESSE JAMES Addison,” the announcers says into the microphone as the love of my life walks across the stage to receive her diploma.
A few days after everything went down with Sarah, Jesse walked into her advisors office and officially declared a major. She has just received her bachelor’s degree in Counseling, and will start on her Master’s degree next month. Eventually, she’ll earn her PhD and become a licensed grief counselor. She said it was the first time in her life she saw the path laid out in front of her. I know she’ll be wildly successful. After all, she rescued me.
We all jump to our feet clapping and screaming as she shyly walks across the stage. Jesse didn’t want to do the whole cap and gown graduation thing, but I insisted. I also rented out the entire bowling alley for a surprise party afterwards. She is going to be so pissed. I laugh every time I think about the angry face she’ll make when she realizes what I did. She’ll have to get over it. This is something to celebrate.
Sarah has spent the last nine months in a court-mandat
ed outpatient recovery center. It specializes in traumatic brain injuries, but they are also working her through all of her guilt. It’s where she should have been all along. Her sister moved up from Savannah, Georgia to take care of her.
I haven’t seen Sarah since that night when I said goodbye. The very next day I filed a restraining order so she couldn’t see Jesse ever again. Jesse had Caleb go behind my back and have it temporarily lifted so she could attend Sarah’s trial. She even spoke on Sarah’s behalf when it came time for sentencing.
I can’t forgive Sarah. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to. The fear I felt that day was too intense for me to ever truly get over. But the way Jesse has taken Sarah’s back has only reinforced why I fell in love with her to begin with.
“Where are we going?” she asks for the hundredth time since we left her graduation ceremony.
“Stop asking, gorgeous.”
“No, start answering, Brett.”
Did I mention that Jesse’s sass factor has increased over the last nine months? Gone is the shy, insecure girl I first met. I might be biased, but this woman is even sexier.
“Do you love me?” I catch her off guard.
“Of course, why would you ask me that? Oh my God, what did you do?”
“Forever. Right?”
“Brett Sharp, what did you do?” she yells. I just smile to myself and turn into the bowling alley parking lot.
“I bought you a graduation present.”
“Please tell me you didn’t buy me a bowling alley,” she says, looking more concerned than angry.
I throw my head back in laughter, “Remind me later, we really should sit down and have a talk about our finances. I definitely did not buy you a bowling alley.”
“Oh thank God!” she rushes out on a breath, causing me to laugh even harder.
“Come on babe, this is about to get better.” The familiar words cause her eyes to go wide before closing completely. “Jesse, let’s go inside.” When she opens them, her eyes dance with pure happiness. I might have given her too much with that one sentence, but the look on her face is worth it.
“Okay,” she whispers.
We walk into the bowling alley as everyone screams “surprise” around us. Jesse stumbles back into my body as her family and friends rush to greet her. I catch her eyes as she disappears into the crowd. There is no mistaking the smile on her face or the ‘I love you’ she mouths as she’s pulled away. I stay behind talking with Caleb and the woman he can’t seem to take his eyes off.
“Brett!” I hear Jesse scream from the other end of the room.
Even all these months later, my heart skips a beat in fear. I relax and head her direction when she holds up the custom bowling bag I had made for her. I had them monogram ‘Tiny’ on the outside to remind her of our first date in this very same place.
“You found it.” I pull her in for one last kiss before everything changes forever. “Well go on. Open it.”
“Brett,” she whispers staring up at me, her eyes sparkling with tears. I know, based on my words in the car, that what she is hoping for is not what she’s going to find when she unzips that bag.
“Wow,” she says, pulling out a blue and white swirled bowling ball. It’s brand new and wrapped in plastic. She searches the bottom of the bag but comes up empty handed. “I love it. Thank you,” she says, but her eyes say otherwise. I try not to laugh at her disappointment, but as always, I fail.
“I’m glad to hear that gorgeous. It took me forever for me to pick it out for you. You ready to get your ass kicked?” I tease. “I’ll even give you a warm up tonight, Jess. Who knows, I may have just been hustling you for the last year,” I grin as she gives me the eye roll I was half expecting and half hoping for.
I take the ball from her arms, unwrapping it, and place it on the ball return. A seasoned veteran at this point, I type our names into our lane and push play on the game of my life.
“You’re up, Jess,” I say interrupting her conversation with Caleb.
“Go ahead, baby girl,” he says with a wink.
Jess walks forward picking up her new ball trying to push her fingers into the holes. She struggles for a minute before looking up at me. “There’s something stuck,” she says, holding the ball out for me to fix.
“Just pull it out. Quit procrastinating! I know you’re afraid of losing tonight, but really stop blaming it on the ball,” I say with a false confidence as my heart threatens to beat out of my chest.
“I’m trying. It’s stuck.”
She toys with it for a few more minutes before it shifts loose. She pulls out a diamond solitaire engagement ring and her eyes snap to mine. Everyone knows but her, and they all stand behind us clicking pictures and smiling.
“Brett?”
“Gorgeous?” I respond walking the few steps to meet her.
“Um…” She holds up a diamond that is nowhere near worthy to sit on her finger, but still far bigger than anything she would allow me to buy her.
“I love you. I think we’ve covered that part by now,” I smile as tears start to slide down her cheeks, but her smile never waivers. “I don’t think words can adequately explain all the reasons why I think you should marry me. For now I can only offer you one, and it’s selfish as hell. Jesse James Addison, I can’t live another day without calling you my wife. We have wasted too much time already. I should have married you that day at the football game fifteen months ago.” She starts laughing just as I hoped. As the magical sound washes over me, I drop to a knee.
“Marry me, Jesse.” I pull the ring from her hand and slide it on her finger.
She doesn’t say a word as she drops to her knees beside me. She throws her arms around my neck and buries her face into my chest. I hold her for a few minutes waiting for an answer that never comes.
“You didn’t answer,” I whisper as the large crowd looks on.
“Shhh…do you hear that Brett?”
“Hear what?” I ask, thoroughly confused.
“The silence,” she mocks my words, then bursts into laughter. I can’t help but join her as I fall over backwards dragging her with me.
Without shame, I kiss her indecently on the filthy bowling alley floor.
“Yes,” she finally whisper against my lips.
It’s more than a word. It’s a life, a future, and more than I will ever deserve. It’s forever.
STOLEN COURSE
Caleb Jones’ Story
Coming May 2014
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So let me get this straight, I get as many pages as I want and no one will turn on the music and play me off the stage while I’m thanking people? I’m kind of scared this might be longer than the actual book. Well, here we go.
To my amazingly sexy husband Mike: I love you. Writing Changing Course might not have been “work” but thank you for letting me pretend it was. Thank you for picking up extra wine at least twice a week, and for not complaining about the dirty house and seven-bazillion piles of laundry. Oh, who am I kidding, it always looks like that. Thank you for not complaining about that too. Thank you for staying up all night and actually reading your wife’s sexy book. You have always been the silence in my crazy world. MMmmMMMmmmMM!
To my kids, Lunny, Toots, Grey, and Hoppy: Yes, Mommy wrote a dirty book. I hate to say it, but I’m pretty sure this won’t be the most embarrassing thing I ever do to you. I love you more than words can ever express.
To my Mom: Thank you for agreeing to read the abridged version of Changing Course. You know, the one where Brett never says a bad word, and never goes further than holding hands. Most of all, thank you for always supporting me, no matter what wacky idea I had. I may not always be the most thoughtful or the easiest to get along with, but the fact that you put up with me unconditionally means more than you will ever know. I love you.
To my Dad: Oh jeez, thank you for NEVER reading this book. I
won’t even send you the abridged version I sent Mama. Trust me, for the sake of awkward Christmas dinner conversation, it’s better this way. But thank you for always being my Daddy. I love you.
To my sister Lori, Thank you for giving me shit and always having my back when I need it, and even when I didn’t know I needed it. Oh, and thank you for the one star rating you will surely give me…ya know, just to keep me in check.
To my sister Jennifer: Thank you for editing the crap-tastic first draft of my very first book. Seriously, you deserve an award for that, but all you are getting is this three sentence acknowledgement. Don’t let it go to your head.
To my brothers, Jay and Matt: If y’all ever open this book, I will never speak to you again. But thanks for letting Mama read this little part to you over the phone, when she finally tells you that I wrote a book. Random, right? Don’t worry, I won’t mention the championship underwear in any of my books. Oh, wait. Nevermind.
To the whole Martinez Family, Juan, Wilma, Telisse, Anthony, and Ashley: Thank you for being my second family, and supporting me every step of the way.
To Autumn: Without you Changing Course would be a drag, and I’m not talking about the good kind of drag. There would be no sexy without you, so I’m sure Brett and Jesse thank you for that, almost as much as I do.
To Ashley T: Thank you for reading every agonizingly rough chapter along the way. Seriously, that was a tough job. I can’t thank you enough for the endless amount of hours you spent brainstorming with me. I can honestly say Changing Course is better because you were involved.
To my AMAZING betas, Bianca, Bianca, Adriana, and Lakrysa: I have no words. Changing Course would never have been the same without y’all. You ladies kept me laughing with your emails, and made me get down and dirty with the ending (Ehm…mean B). I’m so thankful to have such an incredible group of smart, funny, and beautiful ladies to help me on this crazy journey.