Tate (Lighthouse Security Investigations Book 6)

by Maryann Jordan

  Another wince crossed his face, hitting his brow, this time managing to break into her tirade. “I’m sorry, Nora. I was gone on a… a mission. I didn’t get word from Caroline until much later.”

  Still on a roll, she jerked her hand up, palm facing him, and ignored his apology. “Mom’s health grew worse and she was unable to keep her job. I gave up my apartment and moved back in with her to help. I love… loved my mom, but I was nursing all day and then came home and nursed in the evenings. I’m not stupid enough to think that your job as a SEAL was all fun and games, but I assure you my life back here was not either. But no matter how much I helped care for her, it was better than losing her, which I did in the same year. So, I was twenty-six years old and very much alone.”

  Lifting an eyebrow, she shook her head slowly. “I was so stupid, Tate. Sharing your grief when we buried Nathan, then sleeping with you that night gave me hope that we might still have a future. You have no idea how much I still regret that night when the next morning you were gone in every sense of the word. And when I say regret… I can’t begin to express the repercussions from that night.” She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, blocking out the images as she blew out her breath.

  His hand landed on her knee, his fingertips digging in slightly as he squeezed. “I know I keep saying this, Nora, but I never meant to hurt you. I knew that night was a mistake—”

  She jerked as though slapped, her eyes snapping open, wide with pain.

  “No, no, that’s not what I meant,” he rushed. “I just mean that I had one night for bereavement leave and then I had to get back to my team. I never meant to hurt you. Leaving you alone that next morning gutted me, too. I wanted to stay by your side but had no choice.”

  An icy coldness filled her chest. “Don’t worry, I wasn’t always alone. I finally began dating, but I’m afraid I wasn’t woman enough for him, and so, after two years of dating, he broke it off.” Giving an exaggerated shrug, she added, “Caroline never cared for him, so I suppose in the end she was right.”

  He lifted his hand as though to place it on her arm, and she shifted back. His face contorted, but his eyes continued to hold her gaze. “I’m sorry, Nora. So fucking sorry. You’re right. I thought I was doing the proper thing and being brave, but now I realize it was a chicken-shit way out. But, please, can we talk? Can we, can we… I don’t know, can we just talk?”

  Even with his apology, her anger ratcheted up and tears clung to her lashes. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she lifted her chin and held his gaze. “To what purpose?”

  “Because I’m no longer willing to not have you in my life. I thought about you all the time. I agonized. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you to tell you I’d made a mistake. I wanted to email you and say that I’d been a moron and we needed to stay in each other’s lives. But there was always another mission. I needed to focus or the men around me could die.”

  At that, she shivered, thoughts of Nathan slamming into her. The agony of her brother’s death had never really left, only stayed further in the background for longer periods of time.

  “When I finally got out, the first thing I wanted to do was find you and tell you that I was sorry. But every time I was back home, you practically ran from me. I knew I’d hurt you, but as time passed, I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t even get near me.”

  She jumped to her feet, struggling to suck in air as his words pelted her. “Because when you left, I lost everything! Everything!”

  He took to his feet as well, stepping closer. Her palms landed on his chest and she pushed, her face contorting with the tears now streaming down her cheeks.

  “I know you thought you lost me, Nora, but I’m still here. You didn’t lose everything.”

  Her heart squeezed, and she wondered if it was possible to have a heart attack from so much pain. Chin quivering, she held his gaze. Does he think he wants it? Fine, maybe it’s time. “Oh, Tate,” she said, her voice dropping an octave, ice hanging on her words. “I did lose everything. I lost our baby.”

  His mouth dropped open, no sound coming forth as he stared in stunned silence.

  She walked on wooden legs toward the front door, throwing it open wide. With the sweep of her hand, she uttered one final word. “Leave.” Part of her was glad that he actually walked out with no argument, and the other part felt abandoned once more.

  Her heart squeezed, but no more tears fell. Over the years, she had cried less and less, slowly accepting her life and her past. Staring at the now-closed door, she wondered if she should have remained silent instead of burdening Tate with the knowledge that they could have had a baby. Turning out the lights in the apartment as she made her way to the small bedroom, she moved into the bathroom and completed her nightly routine on automatic pilot.

  It was when she lay in bed with the dark of the night closing in on her that she decided she had done the right thing. He wanted to know why I avoided him for these past years. Finally, he knows my pain.

  Nora’s words had slammed into Tate, taking him by surprise. Trained to react in any situation, all his skills fled him as he stumbled out of her apartment. He’d wanted to refuse to leave, force her to tell him everything, but it was obvious she was holding together by a thread. The urge to hold and comfort her was strong, but the news that she had been pregnant had left him reeling. God, it must’ve happened the night of Nathan’s funeral.

  He closed his eyes, but the image of Nora’s tear-stained, agonized face was impressed onto the backs of his eyelids. At that moment, he was certain he would never get that image out of his mind. Nathan, if you were here, you’d kick my ass. I promised to protect her and failed spectacularly.

  Somehow, he made it to his vehicle and drove to the ranch. Unheeding of placing one foot in front of the other, he made it inside, barely keeping his emotions together when a voice from the living room startled his feet to a halt.

  “You went to see Nora.”

  He turned slowly and saw his mother sitting by herself in the living room, wrapped in her comfortable robe. Her face radiated sadness and the creases seemed deeper.

  “You knew, didn’t you?” As soon as the question was asked, he could see the answer in her eyes.

  She opened and closed her mouth several times, then finally sighed. “Yes. Not… well, I didn’t know for a long time, and by the time I found out, there was no reason to bring it up to you. Plus, it was always Nora’s story to tell. But Caroline was with her when Nora miscarried, so she wasn’t completely alone. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I truly am.”

  He stood rooted to the floor, his heart aching. “At least it explains why she hasn’t been able to tolerate the sight of me for years.”

  Susan stood and walked to him, reaching out to place her hand on his arm. “I don’t think it was the sight of you she was running from, but more like seeing you brought back memories that were hard for her. It just seemed like she kept getting hit one time after another. Nathan died. You broke up with her. She found out she was pregnant and miscarried. Then her dad… then her grandmother and mom.”

  “Jesus, how did she keep going?”

  “We stepped in as best we could. We tried to be there for her. She’s a strong woman, but she closed herself off as a means of protection.”

  He held her gaze for a long moment, his breath catching in his throat. “I was going to be a father. Jesus Christ, Mom. I don’t know what to do with all of this.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you, honey. I don’t know how to ease this burden for you.”

  She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist, and he tucked her in tightly, both receiving and giving love. She finally pulled away and said, “As much as you’re hurting, I’m glad you know. I never liked knowing something about you that I couldn’t share. I also never liked that Nora held in her pain for so long. It’s good that she shared it with you.”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure that she sees me as someone she wants to be around. It’s more like she told
me to finally get me to leave.”

  “And will you?” Before he had a chance to ask her meaning, she jumped in. “I know you have to go back to Maine… that’s where your life is now. But do you see yourself giving up on Nora completely? Placing her in the past and closing the door on the feelings you always had for her.”

  The quiet night gave him few answers, but he slowly shook his head. “I can’t see walking away from her now. It makes me want to comfort her, not just because of our shared loss but because I want her in my life.”

  Susan squeezed his waist before stepping back, sighing. “I’m heading to bed. Your father’s coming home tomorrow, and I need to be ready for him.”

  Just as she reached the bottom of the steps, he called out to her. “Mom, I’d already vowed to break through the wall she’s put between us. Now, I’m even more determined to do so. I can’t change the past, but I can offer a future.”

  Susan smiled gently and nodded. “I think that’s perfect.”

  He lay in bed for hours, unable to find sleep. Thoughts of a grieving, pregnant Nora continually ran through his mind. When she realized she was pregnant, was she excited? Eager to tell me? Waiting till the next time I came home?

  The dark silence of the night crept over him. I was going to be a father. Sitting up in bed, he ground the heels of his hands into his eyes, attempting to quell the tears he felt building.

  Finally flopping back onto the mattress, he stared at the ceiling until sleep finally crept into the edges of his consciousness. What he’d told his mother was true, but now, the idea reverberated through his being. I can’t change the past, but we will have a future.

  9

  “You’re doing amazing, Frank.”

  Nora smiled down at the man who had been like a surrogate father to her for years. Surprised she was able to drag herself from the bed that morning and show up for work, she hoped her makeup tricks for covering dark under-eye circles worked to hide her pain.

  Tate’s visit the night before had dredged up emotions she’d thought long buried, keeping her awake far into the night. Feelings of loss, grief, heartbreak. Working in a hospital she knew that these emotions were common. She had to face illness and death, accidents and old age, pain and suffering every day. To be a successful nurse, she channeled her empathy toward her patients while maintaining an emotional distance that allowed her to complete the technical aspects of her profession.

  After Tate left her apartment, numbness had set in. The tears that fell were not so much for her losses as they were for her loneliness. It was strange being the last living member of her family, having lost each of them too early. Most days she filled her time with her job and had been so adopted by Tate’s family that she could push back the emotional shadows that crept around the edges of her life.

  She had never spoken of the miscarriage to Susan or Frank. Caroline was the only one to know her secret at the time. She had not even told her parents, wanting Tate to hear it from her first.

  Part of her hated the way the words came rushing out to him the night before, with no preamble, no preparation. But once they were spoken, there was no pulling them back in. After he left, she even wondered if it had been worth staying silent for all those years, holding the pain in, letting it eat away at her a bit at a time. Strangely, by the time she awoke this morning, her breathing was easier with all her secrets now out, no longer choking her with the need to remain silent.

  Continuing to check Frank’s blood pressure, she reiterated, “You’re in great shape and everything looks wonderful.”

  Frank looked up at Nora and smiled. “So, do you think I’ll be discharged?”

  “I’ll leave that up to Dr. Hawkins, and he’ll be here in just a few minutes. I thought he might have already been in here since he gets to the hospital so early each morning. He was on his way in, but I noticed he got a call at the nurses’ station.”

  “I hope I can get out. I promise to be a good patient. After all, I’ve got more trips with Susan planned.”

  Finishing his chart on the computer, she walked over and stood next to his bed, staring at an older version of Tate. Same hazel eyes. Same square jaw. “I think it’s wonderful what you two are doing. When Caroline first told me, I was so surprised. I guess I never imagined you and Susan being anywhere except working the ranch. I’m sure it must be hard to decide when to retire when you own and work the land.”

  He reached out and patted her hand and nodded. “I was born and raised on that ranch, and it’s still in my blood. But I’ve still got some years left in me to see some places I never had a chance to see. I’ll always come back to this area… it’ll always be our home. But I wanted to give Caroline and Thomas a chance to make it their own home, and they can do that better without me and Susan right in the same house with them.”

  She smiled and started to turn away when his hand clenched slightly on hers. Looking down, she waited to see if there was something he wanted.

  “What about you, darlin’?”

  “Me?”

  “When are you going to start moving forward and following your heart?”

  She snorted. “Let’s not worry about my heart. After all, you’re in the hospital for your heart.”

  Hearing a noise, she looked over her shoulder expecting the doctor to walk in, seeing Tate and his mom instead. Susan immediately moved to Frank, and suddenly Nora couldn’t think of anything she was supposed to do. She had no idea how or if he’d processed the bombshell she’d dropped on him last night. Her breath held in her lungs as he stepped closer, his eyes locked on hers. His mouth moved, but she was focused on his eyes as his gaze roved over her face. Blinking, she jerked. “I’m sorry?”

  “I reminded you to breathe.”

  Her breath left her lungs in a rush, and she felt the hot burn of a blush move over her face. “Of course, I’m breathing,” she snapped.

  “Glad to hear it. It wouldn’t do for the nurse to pass out onto the floor, now would it?”

  Still uncertain how to act around Tate and unable to sense his thoughts, she ducked her chin and turned back toward Frank, eyes widening as she observed him and Susan smiling at her. “Well, I need to go. I’m sure Dr. Hawkins will be in soon and talk to you about your discharge.” Stepping closer, she patted Frank’s arm again. “I am glad that you’re doing so well.”

  “Susan and I’ll be at the ranch. I figure sitting on the front porch watching my grandkids run around like monkeys will be the best place for me to convalesce. You just might have to come to check on me while I recuperate.”

  She winced at the reminder of grandchildren, but with Tate standing so close to her, she simply nodded. Turning, she looked up to see him staring intently at her, pain now in his gaze. Walking out into the hall, he stilled her steps with a hand placed on her arm.

  “It’s just hit me, Nora, that you’ve had to watch my parents with Caroline’s kids, always reminded of your loss.” His fingertips curved in gently, warmth moving through his touch. His brow was furrowed with anguish. “I’m so sorry.”

  For the first time, instead of feeling like crying, she wanted to comfort. She lifted her hand and placed it on his, giving a little squeeze. He shifted his fingers so they were linked with hers. “Thank you.” Those two words seemed too simplistic for the emotions moving between them but were all she could think of at that moment and appeared to be what he needed.

  Inclining her head toward Frank’s room, she said, “Go be with your dad. We can talk later.” A relieved smile spread across his face, reminding her once again how handsome he was. Slipping her hand from his, she turned and walked down the hall. Blowing out a breath, it hit her that the exchange had not taken more than a moment and yet had not gutted her. Maybe I can do this… be near Tate without getting my heart trampled again.

  “Nora, I was just looking for you,” Dr. Hawkins said, interrupting her thoughts. “We’ve got a special case coming in and I’m making a change in the nursing assignments.”

  Turning t
oward him, she smiled at the efficient senior doctor. Giving him her attention, she waited.

  “The Police Chief called to say that a prisoner is being brought in. He didn’t give me any details other than he has a severe laceration that had been treated but now appears infected. An armed guard will be with him. They’ve requested that he be seen in a private room, not go through the ER. We’ve got several empty rooms at the end of this hall near the service elevator. I’d like to keep the traffic in and out of his room to a minimum.”

  “I understand. Do you know when he’s coming in? I’ve got Frank Tate being discharged this afternoon.”

  “I’m going to have Jeanette take over for your other patients until the prisoner is out of here.”

  Hiding her surprise, she replied, “Okay, Dr. Hawkins. I’ll finish up my notes and should be ready when he comes in.”

  He glanced to the side, before leaning closer and lowering his voice. “These situations make me a little nervous, but that’s one of the reasons I chose you. You’re levelheaded, avoid gossip, and I know you’ll put the patient first regardless of his situation.” With a quick nod, he turned and walked down the hall.

  “Everything okay?”

  Whirling around, she jumped, seeing Tate close by, not having heard him approach. “Yes, yes. I’m… uh… I’m fine.”

  He opened his mouth as though to speak again, his eyes moving from her face to Dr. Hawkins’ retreat down the hall before landing on her again. “This isn’t the time or place to get into everything we need to talk about, but if you need anything, just let me know. I mean that, Nora. Anything.”

  He stepped closer, and her head leaned back to continue holding his gaze. His presence seemed to surround her, filling her with warmth instead of hot anger or cold indifference. “Okay,” she whispered, suddenly not sure what she was agreeing to. Stepping backward, feeling the need for breathing room between them, she said, “I’ve got to get back to work. Goodbye, Tate.”