Compliant

by M. J. Kaestli

  If she had been in a better mood, his comment about her being happy to stay in the common room would have amused her, but she was not, in fact, in the best of spirits. Their walk home was a silent one, filled with tension. Their hands were intertwined, as always, yet there was an unspoken distance between them. As soon as they entered their apartment, they walked directly into the bedroom and shut the door.

  “I hope I didn’t ruin your plans for the evening. I’m well aware there are other people you could be spending time with.”

  “Freya, I don’t know what you want me to say. You know I have a past with other women.” He threw his hands up, exasperated. “I didn’t know she would be there. I can’t help it if I run into former friends.”

  “Oh, is that it? You ran into her? It sounded like more than that. When was it, Colin? Tell me about that, because it didn’t sound like it had been very long since you last saw her. Tell me why you were spending time with her after we were coupled.”

  Colin’s face fell, but instead of trying to deny it or arguing with her, he simply walked out of the room.

  For some reason, his refusal to engage in the conversation with Freya only aggravated her more, even worse than anything he could have said. She followed him into the kitchen, where he was retrieving their evening meals from the delivery slot. He simply sat down at the small table and began to eat, as if nothing was wrong.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” She was able to control her volume, but the anger behind her words was unmistakable.

  “Eating. There’s a plate for you, too, if you want to join me.”

  Freya huffed, grabbed the other plate, then walked into the bedroom and slammed the door behind her. She paced the room for a while, then abandoned the thought of being pent up all night and changed into her exercise clothing. There was no way she could eat at the moment anyway. She half-expected Colin to try to stop her, to tell her it wasn’t safe, but she scoffed at the thought. She knew it would probably anger him, but that felt gratifying somehow. “I’m going to exercise,” she announced when she stormed out of the bedroom, “and don’t bother trying to stop me.”

  “Good time to go. Security is high in the evening,” he said, with not even a tiny hint of emotion. He then just casually took another bite of food, not bothering to look at her.

  Now she was really angry, and she knew if she stayed in the apartment even a moment longer, things would come flying out of her mouth that would put them on high alert with Security for sure. A good, hard run was the only thing that would keep her from exploding at Colin, so she just walked out, without saying another word.

  Freya found her rhythm quickly. She had too much pent-up energy to waste time on a proper warmup, so as soon as her feet found the track, she began to run. She pushed a little harder, then harder still. Normally, an angry ball of fire in her gut would have lessened by then, but this time was different. It was almost as if the fire was growing into a blazing inferno, spreading to her chest, her lungs, and even her heart. She ran faster, then faster, trying to outrun the sensation. There were more people on the track than normal, so she had to carefully navigate and weave between them as she went.

  The monitor chimed to let her know she was running too hard, skyrocketing her heart rate too high. Too her surprise, a Security officer showed up almost immediately, and her heart fell as she realized it was not Colin. Her emotions began to swell within her as she looked at the stranger approaching her. She tried to gain control of herself and slow down, knowing she needed to keep up proper appearances in front of the cameras and all those people, but that was no easy feat, with that stormy rage still brewing inside her. Freya smiled and waved at the Security guard, then started to head in his direction, careful not to mow down any of the other runners in the process. “Sorry. I was having such a good run I just didn’t realize how fast I was going,” she said to him, breathless.

  “Yes, I hear you have a habit of doing that. Perhaps they should make a special shirt for you, one with a louder alarm. Please slow down, for your own good,” he said with a polite nod, then walked away.

  Freya did not go back to stretch or cool down, as she had no desire to be there any longer. On the surface, she managed to keep calm, but deep down, she was about to burst. She practically ran back to the apartment.

  Colin was sitting on the sofa, looking at the monitor. Freya did not acknowledge him; she just walked past quickly and made her way to the shower. Water rations be dammed, she thought, and the moment the water hit her skin, she erupted. She sobbed, trying hard to be as quiet as she could, not wanting to alert Colin or the cameras. There was no alarm to tell her she had used too much water, yet she knew if she remained in the shower much longer, it would not go unnoticed. She got out of the shower, hoping Colin would stay on the sofa until she fell asleep. To her grave disappointment, he had moved to the bed while she was in the shower.

  “So let me get this straight,” Colin said. “You’re pissed because I sometimes run into a girl who lives near us. I feel like we should talk about it, but I really have nothing to say. I shouldn’t have to apologize for something I did before I met you, and I didn’t choose to live in the same district as she does. It’s just good manners to be polite, not that you ever concern yourself with manners.” He exhaled deeply. “You should eat your meal. The State does not look too kindly on waste, and you’ve been running like a maniac again.”

  Freya picked up the plate and walked out of the bedroom. She knew he was right about the food, but she didn’t have to sit with him while she ate. The food was meant to be served hot, and much of the flavor was lost as it grew cold. Every bite had to be eaten, and none could go to waste. The last bite lingered in her mouth, and she gagged a little while trying to swallow it, partly because the food was cold and dry and partly because she didn’t feel like eating. After the meal was finished and she shoved the plate back in the slot, there was nothing left to do but go back to the bedroom. She wordlessly walked over to her side of the bed and pulled out her tablet.

  “So that’s it? You’re just going to avoid talking to me? That’s great, Freya,” Colin barked angrily, then put his tablet away and rolled away from her.

  “It shouldn’t be a problem for you,” she said, “since there are so many other people who want to talk to you. Must be your good manners.”

  To her surprise, Colin did not respond with one of his usual retorts.

  “I find it hard to believe that she would be so excited to see you if all you’ve done is pass her in the hall since we were coupled,” she added, looking for a fight.

  “Like you said, it must be my good manners.”

  Freya was instantly livid again, so much so that she had to take deep breaths control her temper. She knew it would be a mistake to speak, so she kept her mouth shut for a minute.

  Colin also remained silent for a time, but then the silence began to feel lonely. “I don’t know what I have to say or do for you. I really don’t. We have been through this before, and frankly, I’m getting tired of repeating myself. I chose to be with you, and I have been faithful. If you can’t believe that, then I have nothing left to say.”

  That was the one thing Freya could agree with: There was nothing left to say. She didn’t know if she believed him, and nothing he could say would change that.

  ***

  Freya did not sleep well that night. Unfortunately for her, Colin slept soundly and snored all the while. She eventually got up and sat on the sofa, mindlessly scrolling through her tablet. She could find nothing there to take her mind off the terrible events of the day. She knew Colin was right, that she did not have the right to be angry about something he’d done prior to their coupling. Logically, that made sense, but logic and reason did little to change her feelings. She remembered how he tensed up when he saw Ida, almost like he had something horrible to hide. If he really is innocent, why was he so nervous about her speaking to him in front of me? she wondered. Why couldn’t he just laugh it off, like he does
everything else? Is he hiding something? she pondered, recalling the familiarity with Ida who had spoken to him as if there was something more between them than occasional hallway encounters.

  As she mulled those thoughts over in her head, something else began to bother her. How could he like someone who is so blatantly annoying? She talks like a child, even well into her adulthood! Ida was nothing like her, and a prime example of why Freya had never spent time in the common rooms during her education. He claims to be happy with me, yet he was once with girls like that? Then the truth of the matter struck her, and it felt like a slap across the face. Colin could say all he wanted about choosing to stay with Freya, but she knew he never would have chosen her in most circumstances. If they were living in a society that allowed civilians to really choose their mates, Freya would not be the female he picked.

  Tears streamed down her face. She was angry at the fact that she was even upset, as it was completely hypocritical. The truth was, she never would have chosen Colin either, yet she could not imagine living without him now. He was so much a part of her she simply could not fathom living without him, any more than she could live without one of her arms. She audibly chuckled at the ridiculousness of the thought, the idea that he was as vital as one of her limbs, but it was true. She thought back to the time when they were first coupled, how they joked about the coupling system being flawed, insisting that they could not possibly be a match. Now, she knew they most definitely were a match, and the State’s system worked. He was her everything, her best friend, her lover, and her family. He completely consumed her. Freya knew then what she had to do. She did not know if it was possible, but she had to move past all that angst. Colin was the most important thing in her life, and she could not possibly distance herself from him when he was all she had.

  She walked back to bed and found Colin sleeping soundly, which irritated her slightly. Still, when she looked down at him, peacefully dreaming, she knew they would be fine. She climbed into bed and snuggled up beside him; it was more for her benefit than his, as she needed to feel that everything was going to be okay. The only time she really felt that way was when she was in Colin’s arms, even if he was fast asleep.

  ***

  In the morning, they stepped awkwardly around each other. She was not prepared to apologize to him, but she most certainly didn’t want to fight any longer. She hoped it was something that could just simply be dropped, never to be brought up again. Of course she knew that wasn’t possible with Colin, who loved to talk things out, but the emotions she felt the night before were still too close to the surface to chance talking about it yet. Her actions were neither angry nor affectionate; they were somewhere in between, more like general politeness. It seemed as though Colin didn’t want to fight or upset her, but he wasn’t ready to apologize either. Thus, their careful waltz on the eggshells continued until they were ready to leave for the day.

  They started to walk down the hall, and for the first time in a long time, they didn’t hold hands. Neither spoke a word, and when it came time for them to part company, neither offered a kiss or an embrace, nor did Colin’s hands wander to inappropriate places. It wasn’t mean or cruel; it was just polite and businesslike, a simple wish of good tidings to each other, as they might say to a stranger. The distance hurt, but Freya didn’t know how to handle things any differently. Colin, feeling the same, turned and walked away without kissing her goodbye, and she stood there for a moment, watching him go.

  “Colin!” she suddenly called out after him.

  He turned and looked back at her with an apprehensive expression on his face. “Yeah?”

  “I love you,” she said, feeling incredibly vulnerable, almost naked.

  His expression softened, and his shoulders perked up as he resumed his normal posture from the slump that Freya wasn’t even aware he’d taken. “Good, ‘cause you should,” he said, his face resuming its typical arrogant smirk.

  Freya rolled her eyes.

  Colin jogged back to her and wrapped his arms around her, then lifted her off the ground. He kissed her and placed her gently back down on her feet before he turned and walked away.

  She watched him again for a moment, marveling at how the simplest thing could make such a difference. An apology was not what he was after; he only needed reassurance that she could move past it. Feeling much lighter, Freya made her way toward the State House.

  Upon her arrival, she quickly grabbed her tablet and headed out to the grounds. Victor was quite right about the extra workers leaving a mess behind; in fact, that was an understatement. The tree-trimming crew had removed the large lumber that had been cut down, but they’d left twigs and smaller branches all over the place. Many smaller plants had been damaged during the trimmings, and that broke Freya’s heart. She looked around and was surprised at just how much they had trimmed off the tops of the trees, as they’d left a very noticeable, significant gap between the treetops and the dome. Freya began to rake up the debris, working methodically around the damaged vegetation. It would all be ground down and put into the compost. The work was tedious, but the State required that all plant waste was composted, and that compost would be divided and placed into the greenhouses, where it was needed the most.

  A thick sheen of sweat was glistening over Freya’s body by the time the alarm on her tablet chimed, alerting her for the afternoon meal. Without hesitation, she stopped working and headed toward the State House. The hard labor had worked up quite an appetite, not to mention that she was in need of a good washing. She cleaned up quickly and headed to the table. Almost everyone was there, but Victor was noticeably absent.

  “Victor has instructed me to inform you to eat without him, as he is very overrun today.” Chastity announced. “Freya, he would like you to join him,” she quickly said before Freya had a chance to sit down.

  Freya’s face fell, and she wondered why she was being singled out. “Right now?”

  “Yes, please. He needs to discuss some issues during mealtime,” Chastity responded. She then handed Freya a tray with two meals. “He is in his office.”

  Freya suddenly lost her appetite. Part of her was still very angry with Victor, but anger was not something she could openly express to him. It was also very intimidating to share a meal alone with him, and she wondered if others had ever been asked to do the same thing. Knowing she had no option but to obey, she walked toward his office, her stomach churning more with every worried step.

  “Hello, Freya. How nice to see you,” Victor said with a pleasant smile. “I hope you don’t mind giving up what I am sure would have been a delightful visit with everyone. We need to get some extra work done.” He stood and gestured to a small table with two chairs, situated near the window. As Freya moved to the table, he walked over to the office door and closed them in. He didn’t want to be overheard, and the thought of that terrified her.

  “Well, you did warn me I would have a lot of work to catch up on,” she replied, trying to keep her voice even and casual, knowing that if she was in some kind of trouble, the worst thing she could possibly do was act guilty.

  Victor let out a small chuckle. “Yes, and unfortunately for you, I am a man of my word.”

  Victor sat down and began to eat, so Freya followed suit. He hurried through his meal, but Freya had to slow down because her stomach was tied in knots, and the big bites of food swimming around in it made her feel sick.

  “This is where I usually take my meals when I have special guests,” Victor said nonchalantly.

  “It’s nice,” she replied. She didn’t have the slightest idea why he was telling her that but felt it would be rude to say nothing.

  “I met with James earlier today,” Victor said.

  Freya could not think of a suitable response, so she nodded and continued to eat slowly.

  “He had a little chat with Colin this morning about you.”

  Now Freya froze, petrified of what he was about to tell her.

  “He asked Colin if you knew why I se
nt you home, and Colin told him you did. He said you were too stubborn to listen to instructions without the threat of death to motivate you.” As he said it, a slight smile crept to the corner of Victor’s lips.

  The tension left her body. She did not realize she had been holding her breath until she started to breathe properly again.

  “I have also been made aware that you went to exercise after I sent you home, breaking safety protocol.”

  The tension she had just managed to let go of came back swiftly.

  “It was not my intention to aggravate you, Freya. My apologies if I did. Sometimes I forget you have wisdom far beyond your age, a mistake I won’t repeat. I had a feeling you were not aware of the strong rebel force among us, nor did you understand the constant threat that exists here. I have seen far too many good people driven mad by the stress, and too many members of my family have had to leave our house. I simply want to protect you from that as long as possible. You do such great work here, and I want to keep you here for as long as I can. Can you forgive me, Freya? Can you look past the faults of an old man trying to protect his family?”