All of Me

by ANDREA SMITH

  After lugging the heavy trash bag outside to the dumpster, I returned to the kitchen to take inventory of what was left: three eggs, a package of Colby cheese, and a withered apple in the fridge. My cupboards fared a bit better with three cans of Chicken Noodle Soup, two cans of green beans, and two unopened canisters of Slimfast® Keto Meal Shake in fudge brownie flavor.

  I was totally going to rock this diet!

  Summer had left a note for me, hoping I had enjoyed a great weekend and that all was well in my crab kingdom.

  I snuck a peek just to make sure. Yep, all crabs were present and accounted for. It looked like Carlos had changed shells over the past two days, which I hated to miss. It really was fascinating watching as they lined up a new shell, positioning it just right and made the quick switch to their new mobile home. Think I’m kidding? Check it out for yourself some time on YouTube!

  I sprinkled more fruit and nut flakes into their crabitat, refilled their water dishes, and then turned the light off in my bedroom so they could enjoy their nocturnal activities.

  I showered, changed into some yoga pants and a tee, and flopped down on the floor, doing stretches and leg kicks while watching the late news. Tomorrow it was back to work. Tomorrow was the start of recreating myself into someone deserving of Dirk Sexton.

  The following morning Summer called me on her way into work. “So,” she said with an ornery giggle, “Spill. I want every lurid detail of your weekend. Spare no details.”

  I rolled over onto my side. Damn, it was only seven-fifteen. “Jesus, Summer,” I grumbled, “You woke me up from a perfectly wonderful dream to what? Interrogate me on my personal life?”

  “Ooh... somebody’s a grump for probably having her world rocked by Indy’s most eligible stud over the past couple of days. Was it a wet dream Autumn?” she teased.

  Sometimes I wished I had a superpower. You know, like being able to reach through my phone and strangle the person at the other end? Yeah, this was one of those times!

  “Summer,” I groaned, “We had a great time, what can I say? The race was fantastic, the accommodations were awesome, the food was scrumptious, and the company I kept was even more delectable. And that is all I’m saying.”

  “Oh boo, you’re no fun at all. Hey, guess who I ran into at the bar Saturday night?”

  I flopped my head back down on my pillow. I was not going back to sleep thanks to my chatty twin. “Who?” I asked.

  “Guess.”

  “Summer... “ I warned.

  “Okay, okay. I ran into Heath. We hung out. Talked a bit about you and Dirk - all good of course, except Heath, I think, was a little pissed that Dirk had moved in on you so quickly. Seems my sister is a hot number indeed,” she continued, “So I finally said, ‘Hey Heath—what am I here, chopped liver? The perennial reject?’ and then you know what he did?”

  Her voice was laced with excitement.

  “You aren’t gonna make me guess, are you?” I groaned as if I was in pure agony.

  “No,” she giggled, “He asked me out!

  I had to smile. Heath was such a good guy. I knew he would treat my sister well, and to be honest, there was a lilt in Summer’s voice that told me she honestly wanted to be with somebody like Heath.

  “I think it’s very cool, Summer. I think you and Heath would make a great couple.”

  She sighed. “It’s just a date, Autumn. No coupling yet, but we’ll see. By the way, I meant to tell you some more exciting news! You know Graham, the owner of the gym?”

  “Yesss... “

  “Well, he listens to your show and wants to be a sponsor with you specifically doing some radio spots anddd,“ she continued, drawing the word out to deliver the final punch, “He even wants to do some local television spots to introduce his new yoga program for which you will be the star! You can thank me later for the pitch. Although I wouldn’t turn down a finder’s fee once you’re famous.”

  “Wait... what?”

  “He’s calling Dirk to set it up. I’m sure it will all work out. Hey gotta go, I’m here. Talk to you later and love ya!”

  Oh. My. God.

  What had my sister done?

  I spent the rest of the day cleaning, shopping for yogurt, rice cakes, and veggies, and then headed back home. As soon as I’d gotten everything put away, my phone trilled.

  It was Dirk.

  “Hey Buttercup,” he greeted cheerfully. “What’s my girl been up to?”

  I smiled at the endearment and felt the familiar tingle that was all things Sexton. “The usual,” I said, munching on a carrot, “catching up with cleaning, shopping, whatever. How about you?”

  “I’ve been thinking about you,” he said softly, “And trying like hell to keep everyone else from seeing the evidence of that,” he chuckled.

  “Dirk,” I whined, “Do you ever not think about sex?”

  “It’s hard,” he admitted, “Pardon the pun.”

  I felt my cheeks heat with a blush.

  “But I call now on business. Got a great opportunity for us, for the station. And it involves my star. Can you come in around four to meet with me? If I’m not in my office, make yourself comfortable and I won’t be long. I have a three-thirty meeting in the conference room which I will try to blow through so as not to keep you waiting. I think we’ll be finished by five so maybe we can grab some alone time off site for a few hours? Have some dinner... maybe some dessert? How does that sound?”

  I sighed. I couldn’t lie, I was wet just hearing the suggestion. “Sounds like a plan, babe,” I replied. “I’ll see you then.”

  I knew what the great opportunity was thanks to my busy body sister. Summer meant well, but damn her for not knowing me and how I rolled. Yoga? I had done some Hatha Yoga with her a few times, but I was in no shape or form ready to be some poster child for it. God, what if Dirk forced me to take this gig for the good of the station? My mind worked furiously. I took a calming breath and then another.

  So, doing a radio spot was one thing. That was part of my job description so to speak. But a television spot? No fucking way. Dirk would be over-stepping his bounds if he expected me to agree to any kind of deal that didn’t represent his station.

  The more I thought about it, the pricklier I got in true Autumn style. Yes, I admit it. I often saw the glass half-empty versus Summer, who always saw it half full. She told me I needed to release more endorphins and recommended, of all things, YOGA! Thus, my brief introduction to Hatha. I was so close to tipping into my conspiracy theory mode that I quickly opened the fridge, and grabbed more carrots, furiously chewing them as if they could chase away all of the self-doubts that continued to linger in my brain.

  I showered, dressed, and went to drop the chopped-up apple pieces into the crabitat. That’s when I saw it. An empty shell that had housed Dirk.

  I quickly dug around thinking maybe he’d changed into one of the bigger shells available. I turned each one over. Nothing. My crab count was down to five. Dirk was gone. Was that a sign? I felt the loss, eyeballing the others one by one. “One of you is in some deep shit,” I growled. “And I’m determined to find the culprit.”

  I hurriedly cut up a cardboard box, making two separate dividers to make 3 sections. I put 2 of them in one section, 2 in the middle section, and put the biggest crab, Carlos, alone in the last section. He was my top suspect.

  I got to the station a few minutes before four, and Bridget greeted me with a big, albeit ornery smile. “Go on into Dirk’s office, he’ll be finishing up any minute. Can I get you a water? Or, maybe a coffee?”

  “Thanks... um, no I’m good,” I replied sheepishly. Nobody at the station was fooled. I hated that they knew. They were all sweet people, but still, I wasn’t comfortable having it all out there like that.

  I went into Dirk’s office and plopped myself down in one of the chairs opposite his massive desk. The desk. Pictures of what we’d done in, around and on that damn desk played in my mind like a ca
rnal kaleidoscope. I shook my head trying to clear those Triple-X images from my mind.

  Distraction.

  Yes. I needed a distraction. I pulled my cell out and looked up the phone number for the PetSmart store where I’d purchased my hermit crabs. Certainly, they had an expert on the crustacean species. Perhaps it was a matter of the food I was giving them not providing enough of some nutrient they needed.

  As soon as a female employee answered, I asked for the fish, reptile, and crab department.

  “One moment while I page Eric,” she said. I waited patiently, tapping my fingers against the phone, listening to the Muzak version of “Muskrat Love.”

  Lovely.

  Blessedly after a few moments the Muzak stopped. “Hello, this is Eric, how may I help you?”

  “Yes, this is Autumn Dey,” I started, wondering why I bothered with an introduction. “I’m having an issue with crabs and was wondering if you possibly might be able to shed some light as to what I need to do---”

  “What exactly is the issue you’re having with your crabs? Is it dietary or behavioral?” Eric asked.

  I started to reply when I heard a throat clear behind me.

  Dirk.

  “Let me give you a call back,” I replied quickly, ending the call. I slid my phone back into my handbag and gave Dirk a smile as he circled around his desk and took a seat across from me.

  “So what’s the great opportunity, boss? I’m all ears.”

  Thirty-Three

  Dirk

  I considered myself to be calm, collected, and open minded. But when the girl you’re dating and, more specifically, fucking was on the phone asking advice about her crabs? Well, it made a man like me wonder. Or more accurately: Freak. The. Fuck. Out.

  Sitting at my desk and eyeing Autumn as she casually sat back on the visitor’s chair without a care in the world, I begin to filter out scenarios.

  Crabs…

  Literally? Or STD-related?

  Why on God’s green earth would she be asking about literal crabs? We live nowhere near the ocean and unless our water source has some serious problems, literal crabs are out of the equation.

  Which leaves us with…

  “Is there something I should know, babe?” I put some stress on that endearment to remind her of our intimate connection.

  You know, like my dick in her vajayjay?

  She was cute when she looked confused.

  “Isn’t that why I’m here? So you can tell me something important?”

  Indeed, she was here so I could give the great news about the ad campaign with Graham Steele, the owner of Steele’s Gym. The guy was a douchebag but he was willing to put forth some serious cash in order to get Autumn air time doing his…

  Wait for it…

  Graham Cracker Yoga.

  Like I said, he was a douche but he seemed harmless enough and with deep pockets to buy a shitload of radio ads as a package deal.

  But first…

  “Autumn, should I be consulting my doctor?” I asked her pointedly, my left brow perched in question.

  That little minx mimicked my expression and added a bit of a tilt to her sarcastic slap-back, “I don’t know, Dirk, should you?”

  I wanted to throw her over my lap and spank the sass right out of her.

  “Crabs? Really? Don’t you think I should be informed about this?” I asked on a sigh, the game getting old.

  “Oh, that. Well, I don’t see how it’s any of your concern. I mean, sure, I’m pretty upset about it but I didn’t realize we had reached that type of intimacy in our relationship. Are you really interested in this?” She had a spark in her eyes that looked like hope and lust and dare I say…love?

  I was too confused to understand any of it.

  “Babe, it’s precisely because we are intimate that I should know if you have crabs. Jesus Christ, Autumn.” I was getting upset and my dick was starting to have some kind of phantom itching. Or was that burning? Holy shit, did I have crabs, too?

  “Well, technically, they’re not called crabs…” I cut her off, suddenly standing and sending my chair back into the wall of windows behind me.

  “Fuck, Autumn. I don’t care about the scientific term, I think I have them too!” I said a bit too loudly, my eyes focused on my crotch as though I could will those fuckers to leave my body.

  “Dirk?”

  I unbuttoned my slacks and took a peek inside my boxers, not quite sure what I was looking for.

  “Dirk?”

  Maybe I could just go straight to the drug store and get an over the counter cure for this. Holy shit, my doctor was my father’s doctor. Oh, I would never live this down.

  “DIRK!”

  My name being screeched from in front of me, halted my panic mode long enough to look up at Autumn standing with both fists resting on her hips and a look on her face that could silence a roomful of Wall Street executives.

  “What?”

  “What the hell is your problem and since when do you have hermit crabs? I didn’t see them at your place any of the times I was there.”

  Now, the human brain is a funny thing. Not har-har funny but more of an OH! moment. It associates words to our most logical definitions. It was unfortunate that upon hearing the word “crabs,” the first reaction my brain would have is STD.

  Worse still, I’m quite certain the majority of the human population would assume the same. We are, indeed, a fucked-up race.

  “Hermit crabs?” I verified slowly, distinctly pronouncing every syllable. Are you fucking kidding me?

  “Yes, hermit crabs. What else did you thin…Oh!”

  See? That, right there, is why Autumn is a rare jewel. A diamond in this black world filled with coal. A subtle light beam through the shades at the crack of dawn.

  That, right there, explained why I was in love with Autumn Dey.

  Told you, I was fucked. But this was absolutely not the time to get into feelings.

  “You thought I had crabs…down…there?” she asked, her index finger jabbing the air above her crotch.

  “Yeah.” I answered, a little sheepish and a lot embarrassed at my none too cool outburst.

  With furious pink shade coloring her cheeks, I expected Autumn to storm out of my office and cut all ties. Maybe even quit her job and sue my ass for… something. Lawyers were paid big bucks to come up with great ideas.

  What I did not expect was for her to burst out into a chest-heaving, folded in two, honest to God laughing fit right there in the middle of my office.

  It was contagious and soon we were both fighting for breath as we ran the conversation back to each other, bringing on more and more laughter.

  Finally, after ten minutes of crazy-town, we calmed down and sighed in unison. Good times. Perfect times. These were memories worth building, maybe cherishing and remembering so we could, one day, tell our grandkids.

  Whoa, Sexton. Calm your shit, buddy.

  “So, you have cannibalistic hermit crabs?” I still couldn’t keep a straight face since she added that little nugget of information.

  “Yeah, I’m guessing Carlos ate Dirk. We’ll figure it out soon enough.” She looked worried and for some inexplicable reason, my dick shrank at the idea of having some big ass hermit crab eating my little crab.

  Fuck, this was ridiculous.

  Shaking my head, I got back to business.

  “Anyway, I trust you’ll figure something out. In the meantime, I have great news.” I said, standing for emphasis. News like this needed to be done with grandiose effects.

  So, with my arms spread on both sides, my head held high, and great pride in my voice I announced, “Steele’s Gym wants to feature you in his groundbreaking TV spots for Graham Cracker Yoga.” All that was missing was my ending it with a loud “Ta Da!”

  My huge production was met with deafening silence and a look of utter disgust. Not exactly what I was hoping for, here.

  “Graham Cr
acker? Really? Is that the extent of his imagination? Are we supposed to be doing yoga positions in hopes of reaching a cracker on the floor?” She asked, her palm up to the mouth while she mimed her tongue trying to reach some invisible food.

  “I don’t think anyone has the ability to surpass your imagination and, besides, it’s just a play on words, a way for it to stick out in your mind. Marketing, branding at its best. Corny and sticky like glue.” I explained, trying really hard not to be condescending.

  “This,” she started, her hands waving around her figure like she was trying to shoo away a fly, “does not do yoga in public. Hell, it fails in private as well.”

  And there it was. The crux of the problem.

  My eyes softened and my feet automatically made their way to where she was standing. Wrapping my arms around her luscious curves, I made a show rubbing my immediate hard-on against her core.

  “This body, Autumn, is the reason I walk around with a perma-hard-on every day.” I told her softly, gently coaxing her with my finger on her chin, to look me in the eyes.

  “I thought it was my witty come-backs,” she answered, a smile fighting its way across her delicious lips.

  “That is the reason my heart beats twice its normal speed,” Take that, Christian Grey. Romance is my bitch.

  “You’re a dork.”

  “Yes, but I’m an adorable one and I’m all yours. And you’re all mine,” I declared, squeezing her ass and biting down on her plump bottom lip, “because I can’t fathom my life without you.” Diving in, people. Catch me if I miss the water by a mile.

  At my words, her pupils dilated like she’d been snorting coke for an hour.

  “Wow, Dirk. Those are some pretty big words for someone working with a Graham Cracker.” She said, trying to lighten the mood but I was having none of that. I needed to man the fuck up.

  “Nah, that’s nothing. Brace yourself,” I warned her and just as she was about to start laughing, I dropped the bomb.