Neither do the tight leggings and sports bra she's wearing. God, she would kill me and my dick on this hike today.
“No. Actually, I'm not feeling all that great.”
“Oh, you do look a little flushed.” She reaches out to touch my face and I back away. Her face falls along with her hand. “Okay then, I'll let you rest. It looks like you knocked out early too. You forgot to turn the lights off.”
“Yeah, I passed out the second I laid down.”
“Can I get you anything?”
Yeah, out of my room, so I can finish what my dream didn't. Then figure out what the fuck is going on with me lately with all these feelings and learn how to control them.
“No. I'm good. Thanks.”
“Alright, if you're sure. Maybe if you feel better later, we can hang out?” she offers, biting the corner of her lip. Fuck, if that doesn't make me want to reach out and kiss her…and make my dick harder.
Damn it. Dex, get her out of here.
“Yes, later.” I'm seconds from closing the door in her face when she gives me another confused wide-eyed look before walking away.
Closing the door, I lock it and lose my shorts before settling back into my bed. Fisting my cock, I close my eyes and think of her.
The only place I'll ever be able to have her.
I spend half the morning hiding out in my room, not sure how to look Meadow in the eye. It isn't only because every time I think of her my dick twitches. It's the mountain-sized pile of guilt that turns my stomach every single time. Friends don't masturbate and have sex dreams about their friends. No matter how close they are. Especially friends whose hearts they don't deserve and don't belong to them.
My conclusion to all this nonsense is I need to get laid. It's been a year. Steve and Randy are right; I only have excuses as to why I'm not dating or picking up women.
What the hell am I waiting for?
It’s just the urge hasn't been there till I think of Meadow.
I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I know I can no longer avoid her.
By late afternoon, I make the escape from my room to find Meadow in the living room working away. She has a huge event tomorrow she claims she's still not ready for, thanks to the mess her coworker made. Once she finishes with that, we have a late lunch, forget about the speeches and watch some trash TV instead.
Now, she's skipping into my room after I've finished taking a shower.
I need to get better about locking my door.
But then she’ll know something is up.
At least I have my pants on.
“We’re all going to Roxann’s. Do you wanna come?” Meadow flops on my bed, wearing a pair of tight-fitting jeans and a low-cut gray tank top. Her auburn hair flies out around my pillow making her look like an angel.
“Who's all?” I question throwing my favorite Nine Inch Nails shirt over my head.
She props herself on her elbows and looks at me with her trademark innocent grin. Which is technically anything but…because it usually means she's up to something.
“Me, Mel, Steph, Steve, Randy, Sara...” She pauses and bites her lip.
I roll my eyes, now knowing what her little smile is all about; her damn new boyfriend. She’s worried about me behaving, which tells me Julian has probably told her all about my spectacle in his office yesterday.
Just fucking great.
“And Julian, right?”
“Yeah. The usual. It's karaoke night. And they got an updated song list from this generation now. I bet we could totally kill some Chainsmokers and Bruno Mars.” She rolls off my bed and I'm tempted to push her back down and reenact my dream.
My dick is jerking in my jeans, telling me to do it, and I really wish it wouldn’t. The bastard has always had different views when it came to her anyway. He wouldn't mind me losing all my self control and diving right into her.
But you can’t have her, Dex. She’s not yours! She will never be yours. Get it through your head.
Control yourself.
“Would I really have a choice anyways?”
“Not really, since I know you’re feeling better. Now finish getting ready. I ordered us a uber. It should be here in ten minutes.”
Meadow and I walk into Roxann's where we are greeted by someone butchering Neil Diamond's “Sweet Caroline.”
“Is there nothing better than the sound of someone killing the classics?” Meadow mutters beside me with a giggle.
“Yeah. Someone not murdering them. Come on.” I take her hand and lead her to the large round table where our friends and Julian are gathered around.
Meadow tugs on my arm, grabbing my attention before we make it too far, and I look down at her narrowing eyes. “Be nice.”
“I don't know what you're talking about.” I smirk, but my lip twitches, calling out my lie.
“He's your friend, and no matter what, that comes first. Can we please have fun tonight?” Her slit eyes go doe-like and there's no way I can deny her. So for tonight, I can put the asshole aside for her.
“Of course, Meow.”
“You've been calling me that a lot more lately. I like it.” She kisses my cheek and then goes bouncing off towards the table.
I touch my cheek as I follow behind her. I didn’t even realize I was calling her that intentionally, but if she likes it, who am I to deny her?
“Good, you're both finally here,” Steph says and throws her arm around Meadow. “I got us all shots. Then us girls are going to sing “Spice Up Your Life.”
“Spice Girls? Right out the gate, Steph? Really? Better make it two shots.” Meadow puts her hand up to grab the attention of one of the bartenders.
“Wait. I thought we came here tonight to try the new songs.” Steve grabs his shot and Mel slaps his hand telling him not yet. “Damn lady, chill.”
“We will. I promise you'll get to rock some Twenty One Pilots. After we rock some old school up in this bitch.” Steph pats his back reassuring him and he rolls his eyes. “Now let's toast to a good night.”
We all pick up the kamikaze shots and click them together before throwing them back.
The night starts off smoothly with the girls bringing down the house with their rendition of Spice Girls. The four of them are always house favorites when they get on stage together or separate. Meadow especially. She has a voice like an angel.
Well, till she has a couple of shots then she gets giggly and squeaky on purpose.
No matter what I tried to do, I found myself drawn to Meadow all night. Everywhere she went, my eyes followed. I watched how she and Julian interacted, and I found myself taking a shot every time his arm ended up around her shoulder.
At one point, Steve had told me some blonde with a banging body had been all over me and I didn't even acknowledge her existence. There wasn't enough liquor in the place to help wipe my mind of everything I was thinking.
“You've been watching her all night,” Mel says, coming to sit beside me at the bar top with her fruity martini.
“What? Who?” I shake my head, drawing my attention away from Meadow's ass that's bent over a few tables in front of us.
“Don't play dumb with me, pretty boy. Meadow.”
“No. I haven't.”
“You have. And more than usual.”
I roll my eyes and relent. There's no getting past the master detective in Mel. “I'm making sure she's okay. She's knocking back the Cuervo more than usual. I know work has been stressing her out.”
“Right.” She squints at me, taking a sip of her pink martini.
“Don't look at me like that, Mel.”
“Like what?” she says innocently with a squeak of her voice and blinky eyes.
“I know what you want to say. It's all I’ve been hearing from everyone lately—even my own mother. But I wish everyone would give it a rest. There are things that you all don't understand and will never understand when it comes to Meadow and me.”
“Try me.”
“No.”
“Does it have something to do with Wesley?”
“Mel, I love you. You're like this annoying little sister.”
“Aww. I try to be.” She puts her hand over her heart and flutters her eyes. I shake my head knowing she's proved my point.
“But I'm not explaining this to you. Especially not here, and especially not while Randy and Sara sing “Endless Love” off-key in the background.”
“Fine, you make a fair point. Plus, I think I have my answer anyways.” She winks, grabbing her martini, and steps away.
Seconds later, Meadow is coming at me with a large smile on her face. Her cheeks and chest are flushed, and her once neat hair is now a wild mess, a clear sign that she's wasted.
“DEX!” Meadow collapses onto my chest and puts her arms around my neck. “We need to sing our song.”
“We do, huh?”
“We do,” she says in a sing-song voice. “Or we can do something new. Oh, we can totally try that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper song.”
“That song always makes you cry.” I laugh.
“Does not.” I narrow my eyes at her to say yeah right. I found her the other day wiping her eyes to some YouTube video of them singing it. “Fine. We can stick to old faithful then.”
“Sure you don't want to ask…” She slams her forefingers to my lips, meshing them together before I can say Julian’s name.
“Don't say it or I'm gonna kick your butt.” She moves my lips around and giggles making me question if I missed counted the number of drinks she’s had tonight.
I grab her wrist and remove her hand from my mouth. “Alright, goof, I think it's time to get you home.”
“Home?” She pouts. “But we need to sinnng.”
“No, because you have had enough.”
“Then I'll stop drinking, Dad. Geez, I'm talking about singing.” She juts her bottom lip out more, knowing I’m not going to say no to her.
“Fine, one song.” I brush my thumb along her soft pouting lip, pushing it back in. “Then I'm taking you home.”
Her eyes dance mischievously and her tongue darts out of her mouth wetting her lips. Those satin lips that I can now picture around my dick. I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Fuck. “What are you gonna do to me when you get me home, Dex? Spank me?”
“Damn it, Meadow.”
“What? You’re the one who made it sound dirty.” She falls into a fit of giggles and I pinch the bridge of my nose, now stressed the fuck out.
I need to get away from her. Now.
Picking up my beer, I step around her to go to the bar to tell Julian I’m taking her ass home. I don’t get far when she grabs my arm and pulls me back. “Dex, I was playing around.”
“Listen, Meadow, I’m tired. I want to go home. You can either come with me or stay with Julian. Up to you.”
“I'll come with you,” she says quickly, which instantly relaxes me. “Let's go say bye first. But you owe me a song next time.”
“Deal.”
We get into the house and her shoes go flying at the door before I turn on the light. “Oh, so much better,” she moans and stumbles her way to the couch. She falls into the cushions, throwing her now bare feet on the coffee table.
I join her, kicking off my own shoes, and slide in next to her on the couch. “How many of those tequila shots did you take tonight?” I joke nudging her as her head falls to my shoulder.
“Not enough.” She sighs heavily and rubs her hand down my jeaned legs. When she sighs again, this time more dramatically, I know something is on her mind.
“What's wrong?”
“Do you love me, Dex?”
Wait. What?
Not the question I saw coming.
“You know I do, Meadow. What makes you think I don't?”
She sits up, shifting to look me dead in the eye. “No Dex, I wanna know if you can love, love me! Because I do. I love you.”
My eyes close, not sure how to reply to her. She loves me?
She's drunk and doesn't know what she's talking about.
“I can be great you know,” she slurs, shoving her finger in my chest.
“You are great, Meadow. You're my favorite person.”
“Then why am I not enough for you? Why can't you be with me?” Her voice cracks, and tears well in the corner of her eyes.
“Meadow.” I don't know what to say, so I do the only thing I do know, and I take her in my arms. She wraps her arms around my waist and rests her cheek to my chest.
“Why can’t you love me more than just a friend. Wes did. We were happy.”
My eyes closed pained at the sound of his name. “It's not like that.”
God, it's anything, but.
“Then what is it like? Because I know you do, but you’re doing everything in your power not to. Why don't you want me, Dex? Why?” she cries, burying her head further into my chest, letting her tears soak my shirt.
I brush her hair back, trying to process the words I want to say. There's so much to say and my heart is heavy, knowing it can never be. The word ‘why’ is softy muttered again in my chest before I feel her body go limp in my arms.
“Meadow?” Lifting her chin, I find her eyes closed and her breathing even. “Meadow? Really?” I chuckle knowing only this girl could pass out in the middle of a conversation slash argument. Or whatever the hell this was.
I carry her to her room, lay her down in her bed, and sit beside her. As she snores softly, I watch her chest rise and fall. I brush her hair back, wishing it could all be simple.
“I want to love you, Meadow, I really do, but I can’t. I don’t deserve you. If it weren’t for me, you would be with Wes now. You deserve someone that won’t fuck up your life because they were being selfish. Or a guy that ties you to trees when your eleven or changes out your hair dye for bright orange before homecoming.” I chuckle knowing I’m going down memory lane with a comatose body. Bending down, I kiss her lips and relish for a second in how soft they are. She moans and her eyes flutter open as I break away. I freak out, feeling busted for the move, but a small smile creases her lips before they quickly shut again.
“Meadow? You awake there?” Silence. “Meadow?” Still nothing and I cover her up with her comforter. “No matter what, I'll love you forever and ever.” I brush my finger down her face and rise to my feet. With one last glance at her, I make a final silent statement; that even though I'll never be her happy ending, I'll do everything I can to make sure she's happy and that one day she ends up with the right person…
But I know one thing: that person isn't Julian.
“Good morning, sunshine.” I chuckle, as the disaster of my best friend walks into the kitchen. Her hair is a rat’s nest on top of her head, her eyes have dark circles under them, and she's still wearing the clothes she wore to the bar last night. But in a way, she's still never looked better. “Coffee?”
“Please,” she begs, plopping down on the stool at the breakfast bar. “And the whole bottle of aspirin if you have it.” Her head falls to the table with a loud groan.
I pour her a cup of coffee and slide it in front of her slumped over body. “Here you go, princess. You want any food?”
Her head pops up and she takes the mug from me putting it to her lips. “No, I want to die. And I have the McKinley Ball this afternoon. Hell, I don't even know how I got to bed.”
“I put you there. I practically had to carry you home. Then you passed out when we were talking on the couch. I put you to bed afterward.”
“Ugh.” Her body slides back to the bar like jello. “I don't remember anything past singing Anne-Marie’s '2002' and Sara making me take that Mind Eraser.”
I smirk. “It might literally have been just that.”
Inside I'm sighing in relief she doesn't remember our conversation on the couch. The last thing I want to do is hurt her or ruin our friendship because I can't give her what she wants.
Yet, why does it hurt?
“What are you talking about?” Her eyes peek from her folded arms.
“Oh, nothing, Meow.” I wave off, with a light chuckle. I need her off the topic before she starts asking too many questions and breaks me down.
“Meow?” Her eyebrow raises. “Okay, now I know something is up.”
Shit. That was dumb, Dexter.
“Nothing is up. Only that if you can't remember past that, you have a lot of blank space that was voided. That's all.” I cross my fingers at my side that she buys it and lets it go.
“I didn't do anything stupid, did I?”
“Nope.” I give her my best innocent smile, because it wasn't stupid.
Only that you confessed a deep dark secret.
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
Her body melts back to the breakfast bar, with an exaggerated moan. “I don't believe you, but I'm not in the mood to argue with you.”
Thank god for a small victory.
Chapter Eight
Dexter
Meadow got back from her event late and I didn’t see her before I passed out for the evening. I knew I couldn't have her, but more than ever I wanted to be in her presence. Talk to her, touch her—hold her. More than what we already do. That in itself is frightening.
What we talked about the night before, or what we had drunk talked about, had been forgotten from Meadow’s memory but it still bounced around in mine.
Meadow is in love with me.
It had been a drunk confession, and I wondered why she hasn't told me the words sober. But then again, I knew why. If she had been sober and aware of the words I said, the outcome could be detrimental to our friendship.
I can’t imagine what person can still pretend everything is okay after their feelings were turned down.
Not saying we couldn't overcome the storm, but it was a risk. Plus, maybe she didn't mean those words, considering she was still dating Julian.
The whole thing is confusing as fuck, and I don't know what to do with it all. It’s messing with me. And even though I can't have her, I know Julian isn't the right guy. Sure, most of my reasons are purely selfish as to why he can’t be with her, but fuck if I care. I stand by it and will see they aren't together much longer.
The Love Plan Page 8