Revenge of the Roach!

by Todd H. Doodler

  To my daughter, Elle—you will always

  be my FLY GIRL!

  1. Super Pie

  2. Return of the Roach

  3. Number 1 and Number 2

  4. The Big Bad Bully Bug Is Back

  5. The Pizza Guy Is a Pizza Fly

  6. Operation Super Spy

  7. Crazy Cockroach Says!

  8. The Technology Trap

  9. King of the School

  10. Cornelius for Mayor

  11. Roach Domination

  12. The Big Contest

  13. Fly Girl

  14. Reverse Engineering

  15. Three on Three

  Super Pie

  Eugene Flystein and his friend Fred Flea were ordinary fourth graders. Or so it seemed to most of the bugs living in Stinkopolis, a town located in the stinkiest part of an extremely stinky city dump.

  Most students at Brown Barge Elementary School thought Eugene was a nerd. They’d seen him get slammed in dodgeball. What fly can’t fly? And one look at Eugene flailing and then failing to catch a fly ball was enough to earn him the nerd word for life.

  But lately his younger sister, Elle, had seen flashes of a different Eugene. Something big had happened to her beloved brother. The clever second grader didn’t know what—yet. She would find out!

  So one day after school, Elle spied on Eugene and Fred. It wasn’t the exciting kind of spying with fake identities, laser guns, and night-vision goggles. She just watched and listened without letting them know.

  Eugene looked inside the fridge and groaned. “I’m so hungry, I could eat a flower!”

  Fred shuddered. “Ew! I thought flowers were your kryptonite.”

  Eugene looked around the kitchen. Elle ducked out of view just in time!

  She knew kryptonite was the stuff that made some superheroes weak. What could that have to do with her brother—unless her wildest suspicions were right?

  Eugene took out a big plate and inhaled a mixture of oozing odors. “Ah! Want some of last night’s poo-poo platter?”

  Fred refused. “Thanks, but I bit a really fat dog for lunch.”

  Eugene rubbed his forelegs eagerly. “Great! More for me.”

  While Eugene stuffed his mouth parts, Fred asked, “So . . . do you want to practice today, or see if we can reach the next level of Sewer Invaders?”

  Eugene briefly stopped eating. “I suppose we should practice, but . . .”

  Fred interrupted. “I have some new moves I’d like to try.”

  Eugene grinned. “Me too! Let’s practice tomorrow.”

  Fred held up a leg. Eugene met the salute with the tip of one wing. “High flyve! Let’s play!”

  While the boys played Sewer Invaders, Elle slipped quietly into the kitchen. What could her brother and his pint-size friend think they should be practicing? Was Fred teaching Eugene circus tricks so he could perform with Fred’s family?

  Elle opened the refrigerator. She was more curious than hungry. She’d seen that key lime pie before. On the first day of school, when all that strange stuff happened.

  Now signs covered the pale-green pie.

  Elle considered eating it. With all those warnings, her big brother was practically begging her to.

  Elle wasn’t sure what peligroso meant. The gross part sounded yummy. But wasn’t the Spanish word for dangerous? How could pie be dangerous?

  “HIGH FLYVE!” The boys’ noisy cheer echoed through the Flysteins’ kitchen.

  Eugene shouted, “Next level!”

  Fred exclaimed, “Doody calls!”

  Eugene looked skeptical. “Really? Is that what you’re saying now?”

  Fred asked, “Don’t you think it’s cool?”

  Eugene considered. “Maybe . . . it’s totally awesome! We should save it for missions.”

  Fred turned a few somersaults in the air. Elle almost clapped. She loved when Fred performed circus tricks!

  For the moment, Elle forgot the mystery of the key lime pie. Instead she wondered, Missions? What kind of missions involve a fourth grader and his best friend?

  The boys suddenly turned around. Eugene stammered, “Elle! We . . . made it to level two.”

  “Congrats.” Elle searched her brother’s face. His eyes hid behind his thick glasses.

  Elle sighed. She loved Eugene, but sometimes even she had to admit he was a nerd.

  “Whatever.” Elle closed the refrigerator. “Catch you later.”

  “Said the spider to the fly,” Eugene teased.

  Elle shuddered.

  Eugene quickly apologized. “I’m sorry!”

  “It’s okay,” Elle assured him. “I’m a big bug now. I won’t have nightmares.”

  Eugene hesitated. The Ultimo 6-9000 (patent pending) had increased all his powers by 9,000 times in just six seconds. Sure, it looked exactly like an ordinary if somewhat pathetic slice of key lime pie, but that pie turned a nerd into Super Fly—among other amazing things.

  The brilliant bug suspected that his sister suspected something.

  Elle asked, “Any poo-poo platter left?”

  Eugene smiled. “I saved the best poo for you.”

  Elle gave him a quick hug. “You’re the best brother ever!”

  Then, since Elle’s forelegs were full of the foully fragrant platter, she asked, “Can you please open my door?”

  Eugene reached for the knob and . . . ripped the door to Elle’s room right off its hinges!

  Fred muttered, “Not again!”

  On the first day he’d become Super Fly, Eugene tore off the Flysteins’ front door. Luckily it only took about eleven seconds for Super Fly to fly all over the dump, find a door just like it, and put the door back up.

  No one seemed to notice the different door. Eugene hoped he could fix Elle’s door before too many questions were asked.

  “Oops!” he exclaimed. “Guess I don’t know my own strength.”

  Fred added hastily, “We’ve been working out.”

  Elle looked each boy in the eyes. “You’ve been playing Sewer Invaders.”

  “You know how many muscles you use controlling a joystick?” Eugene said while flexing his almost nonexistent muscles.

  Fred hopped from foot to foot to foot nervously. “Yeah, well. Speaking of which, we have level two to do.”

  Return of the Roach

  Eugene wasn’t the only one acting strange in Stinkopolis. The next day at Brown Barge Elementary School, a surprising silhouette darkened Mrs. Tiger Moth’s classroom door.

  With senses 9,000 times greater than the average fly’s already amazing senses, Eugene felt a tingling in his danger receptor. He wasn’t sure where this receptor was, but he knew that all superheroes have one since they’re pretty much always in danger.

  Eugene took off his thick glasses so he could examine the new arrival with Super Fly’s eyes. He blinked at the tall, shadowy figure. It couldn’t be . . . but it was!

  Super Fly’s archenemy, the very villain who had forced him to become a hero. Cornelius C. Roach, the worst bully Brown Barge Elementary School had ever known, was now the super villain Crazy Cockroach.

  Somehow this evil fiend had escaped a lunar deathtrap and returned to Mrs. Tiger Moth’s class.

  Eugene turned to look at his pest friend.

  Fred shrugged. Fantastic Flea had no more of a clue than Super Fly about how Cornelius could be back at Brown Barge. Who would expect a cockroach stranded under a huge rock ON THE MOON to walk through the classroom door?

  Mrs. Tiger Moth fluttered her wings in surprise and exclaimed, “Cornelius! It’s . . . nice to see you.”

  Her words were more polite than true. Even the kindly teacher hadn’t missed the nasty bully.

  Like everyone else at Brown Barge, Mrs
. Tiger Moth had enjoyed living in a Cornelius-free world. Lunch money actually bought lunches. No one came back from recess with bruised eyes or broken feelers. And bugs really did their own homework.

  Then just when they’d all gotten used to school being a safe place, even for nerds, the roach returned.

  Mrs. Tiger Moth asked, “Were you sick?”

  Cornelius smiled and said, “No thanks. I’ll have a cheesebooger, hold the boogers.” Mrs. Tiger Moth’s wings fluttered again. “Cornelius? I asked if you’ve been sick.”

  Cornelius didn’t reply. Instead, he danced down the aisle between the first two rows of chairs.

  Eugene cringed as the bully pranced past his chair, waving his antennae wildly to a beat no other bug heard.

  Fred scribbled a note to Eugene.

  In milliseconds, Super Fly’s super eyes read the words. Space fever?

  Super Fly regarded his enemy. Was this really the same roach he’d flown to the moon in order to save Earth?

  Cornelius babbled to his pencil. “Listen, lead head, I’m not the crazy one. You’re the one who can’t stop skateboarding on the ceiling.”

  Cornelius tilted his antennae, as if listening to the pencil’s side of the argument. Whatever he heard made Cornelius so mad he zipped the pencil into his pencil case and slammed the case inside his desk.

  Then the ranting roach opened his math book. Cornelius licked a page and muttered, “Long division—how delicious!”

  Mrs. Tiger Moth made a quick note in her grade book, then she forced herself to smile. “Yes, Cornelius, delicious. Now, who would like to eat—I mean, answer—the first question?”

  Cornelius eagerly answered. Unfortunately his response made even less sense than his request for a “cheesebooger, hold the boogers.”

  Cornelius’s behavior stayed strange all morning. He never said a mean word! When nervous laughter greeted some of his weird answers, Cornelius didn’t squash the laughers. Instead, he joined them.

  Everyone at Brown Barge always gave the roach plenty of room to swagger down the halls. As students scurried away from him, the big roach seemed puzzled.

  Eugene whispered, “Why isn’t he tripping anyone?”

  Fred shrugged. “Do you think he’s actually going to pay for his own lunch?”

  “He hasn’t locked a single bug in a locker yet! Something’s not right,” muttered Eugene.

  Eugene took off his glasses and looked Fred directly in the eyes. “I’m going to find out.”

  Ever since that first day of school when Cornelius called Fred everything except his name, Fred had disliked Cornelius. Now that the bully was 9,000 times stronger and meaner, Fred disliked him 9,000 times as much.

  As a loyal sidekick, Fantastic Flea would leap into battle if Super Fly needed him. He just hoped that wouldn’t happen.

  Super Fly began with a direct question. “You don’t seem like yourself, Cornelius. Are you okay?”

  “I’m butterscotch Wednesday!” the cockroach exclaimed. He tossed an imaginary ball in the air, caught it several times, then dropped it and scurried down the hall, chasing it and screaming, “Come back, Mr. Pancake!”

  Super Fly and Fred hurried after the bizarre bug. Fred asked, “Do you think he’s dangerous?”

  Cornelius suddenly stopped running and stood on his head.

  Eugene whispered, “I guess he’s no more dangerous than usual.”

  Considering that “usual” for Crazy Cockroach included trying to take over the world with giant robots, that didn’t comfort Fred.

  For the rest of the day, Super Fly and Fantastic Flea kept their eyes on Cornelius. He really did pay for his own lunch! Cornelius drank the mustard like a smoothie and slurped moldy spaghetti mixed with pencil shavings and dust bunnies for dessert.

  When the braver boys laughed at Cornelius’s mustard mustache, he laughed too! Then Cornelius put on a bigger mustache and jumped from table to table until the period ended.

  He thanked the lunch lady for a lovely dance and wished her a happy New Year. Cornelius spent recess playing with an invisible yoyo and jumping over an equally invisible rope.

  On the bus home from school, Cornelius licked more pages in his math book and stuck his head out the window like a dog. Then he shouted, “Who wants to make up songs?”

  Without waiting for an answer, Cornelius commenced loudly singing to the tune of I’m a little teapot, short and stout: “I’m a giant cockroach, tall and brown. Here are my feelers; where is my crown?”

  Elle leaned forward in her seat to hear what Eugene said to Fred. “Do you think he left his marbles on the moon?”

  “What marbles?” Fred replied.

  Eugene sighed. “It’s just an expression that means do you think Cornelius has lost his mind?”

  Elle wondered if her brother had lost his. She asked, “What does Cornelius have to do with the moon?”

  Eugene pushed his glasses back up and looked nervous. “Moon? What moon?”

  Elle said, “The one in the sky.”

  “Yeah, right, that moon,” Fred babbled. “That’s just an expression too. Cornelius couldn’t have been to the moon. He’s just an ordinary cockroach who’s started licking his math book for no reason, especially not space fever.”

  Eugene reached over and closed Fred’s mouth. The flea managed to murmur, “Thank you.”

  Luckily at that exact moment Cornelius pulled down his pants and mooned the entire bus.

  “No, we meant that moon,” Eugene said to his sister, pointing at Cornelius’s surprisingly tanned behind.

  Elle wasn’t buying it.

  On the way home from the bus stop, Elle trotted to catch up to the boys. “What’s all the fuss? So Cornelius is acting weird. So what? Weird is better than how mean he usually is.”

  Eugene shrugged. “It’s just strange.”

  Fred echoed, “We like to investigate strange things.” Then he added, “Just because. It’s not like we’re superheroes or anything.”

  Elle looked surprised as Eugene once again shut his pest friend’s mouth. Fred murmured, “Sorry. Thanks. Really sorry.”

  Elle would get to bottom of this.

  Number 1 and Number 2

  The next morning at Brown Barge Elementary, Eugene, Fred, and Elle stepped off the bus into chaos. A swarm of gnats flew around the bus platform, buzzing in terror.

  The tiny gnats kept bumping into each other, which made them even more scared, so they flew faster and . . .

  “Gnats strange! Wonder what’s got them all stirred up?” Eugene asked.

  Fred spotted two nasty dung beetles waving their antennae and rushing at the swarm of terrified gnats. Fred knew these troublemaker twin brothers, big beetles named Dee and Doo Dung.

  Lucy Kaboosie, a brave ladybug, dared to defy the mean twins. “You should pick on bugs your own size!”

  Dee and Doo turned to Lucy. Her polka-dotted wing covers rustled nervously.

  Eugene reached for his eyeglasses. If he had to protect the mayor’s beautiful daughter, Eugene wouldn’t hesitate to turn into Super Fly—even in front of the whole school.

  But the dastardly Dungs didn’t attack lovely Lucy, because just then, Cornelius strolled by.

  As he slowly licked the pages, Cornelius again sang to himself, “I’m a giant cockroach, tall and brown. Here are my feelers. Where is my crown?”

  Dee and Doo stared at the roach. Then they turned to each other and burst out laughing.

  The beetles walked on either side of Cornelius, taking turns trying to trip him and grab his feelers.

  Cornelius looked confused. “Why are you interrupting my song?”

  Dee kneeled down behind Cornelius, and then Doo pushed the roach so he fell backward over Dee. As Cornelius struggled to regain his footing, they laughed louder and louder.

  Super Fly’s danger receptor tingled. How much longer would the big roach take the twins’ teasing?

  Fantastic Flea whispered, “Should we help him?”

  Hero and sideki
ck wondered: Was it wrong to just stand by while a bully was bullied?

  Before Super Fly could help the roach stand up, Cornelius made it to his feet on his own.

  The twins instantly tipped the riled roach onto his back. As Cornelius’s legs wiggled in the air, they laughed even louder.

  Even bugs without a danger receptor felt the tension as Cornelius continued to struggle.

  Then Cornelius snapped to his feet. Something had changed. The confused amateur singer suddenly looked fearless and fierce!

  Faster than lightning, Cornelius grabbed both beetles and bent their heads under his forefeet.

  The stinkbug standing near Eugene released a puff of stinky gas. Eugene guessed the crazed cockroach’s armpits smelled even worse. The captive Dungs certainly seemed to think so.

  Fred flinched. “How can a black bug turn lime green?” he asked.

  Eugene shrugged. The stench rising from Cornelius’s pits seemed capable of anything.

  Cornelius cackled with cruel pride. “I’m back, you helpless larvae! I’m back to claim my kingdom. King of the cockroaches and therefore king of the world!”

  Dee gasped. “Okay, you’re . . . the king!”

  “Ruler of the world. Just let us . . . go!” Doo begged.

  Cornelius lifted his forelegs in triumph, and the twins dropped to the ground. He laughed. “You two will make great henchbugs. I will call you Number 1 and Number 2.”

  Dee and Doo had no choice—unless they wanted to risk death by armpit. They’d both felt Cornelius’s surprising power. Clearly Cornelius had become much more than an ordinary school-yard bully.