Rawhide and Roses

by Maddie James

  She looked, and acted, happy to be exactly where she was. Thad smiled. He liked her here. Could she be happy with a life like this? His life was no picnic, that was sure. Compared to what he imagined her life was like, this could only get dull and monotonous after a time. She might think it exciting for a while, but what if she grew to hate it? Hate him for wanting her here? He couldn’t stand that.

  It was damned difficult to admit, but she added spice to the camp, to his life, and he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to give that up.

  But he couldn’t ever be sure of what she wanted, could he? Could he risk taking her into his life only to find she’d become bored over time? And it seemed, although they’d not talked about it, that she had a life waiting for her back in Kentucky. A job, which she obviously was good at. A family. And even though he was extremely attracted to her, felt almost lost in her, he really didn’t know her well enough to guess at what her reaction would be about leaving all those things behind.

  Would she ever consider...?

  There were things they’d not discussed, probably even thought of, that were going to need their attention at some point. Soon. He had no idea how he was going to broach the subject. Or if she would. But it was imminent that they would have to discuss what will happen when the trip was over. It was something he didn’t care to think about at the moment. It was the first time in a long time that he wasn’t ready to get back to the ranch.

  “So you finally bit the bullet, eh?”

  Mack stepped beside him, jarring his thoughts; Thad kept his gaze on Kim.

  “You might say that.” He lifted the coffee cup to his lips and took a sip, feeling Mack’s gaze on him. Finally he turned to his friend. “Look, Mack. I know I’ve been a little short with you lately.”

  Mack shook his head. “Forget it. What worries me now is what’s going to happen when she leaves.”

  Thad tried not to show the flash of panic that stabbed his heart at Mack’s words. “When she leaves, I’ll deal with it.” He couldn’t fathom the possibility. Not yet. It was too soon. Even if he knew it was bound to happen.

  Mack studied him. “And then you’re going to be hell to live with for the next twenty years or so.” He paused for a minute and Thad turned his attention back to Kim. “Do you love her?”

  After a second’s hesitation, Thad broke his gaze and tossed the remainder of his coffee onto the grass. Then he looked Mack straight in the eyes. “Love? I care for her, maybe a little too much, but it’s too soon to talk about love. Let’s just see what happens, all right?”

  Mack let the still silence fall between them. Thad leaned back against the tree, hoping that he would take the hint and decide to drop the subject. It was hell enough to discuss all the options in his own mind, he wasn’t ready to verbalize his thoughts. He’d waited forty years for the right woman to come along. In forty years not one had tempted him to this degree. Could he convince her that life would be worth living here in Colorado? With him?

  “Thad, she’s good for you. Don’t let her get away. Do whatever you can to keep her. I don’t think you’ll regret it.”

  Thad glanced at the ground and shook his head. “You don’t understand, do you?” After a second’s wait, he lifted his face to look at Mack. “If I had my way, I’d hog-tie her and keep her in my bed morning, noon, and night. But I can’t do that, Mack. I can’t ask her to stay. I can’t force her to stay if that’s not what she wants.”

  “And how do you know she doesn’t want that?”

  “I don’t. I guess I’m just preparing myself for the worst. The inevitable.”

  “I think you’re waving the white flag a little too soon, here.”

  “I think it’s too soon for us to speculate about any of this. She’s got a life, Mack, and it doesn’t include me.”

  “Why are you so all-fire sure she doesn’t want you in it?”

  Thad jerked his gaze back to the dining fly. Kim and Jillie were waving to them. That was exactly what he had to figure out. Kim Martin had seeped under his skin. He loved her. And it scared the living hell out of him that she wouldn’t love him back.

  He cleared his throat. “I think breakfast is ready.” He started off.

  Mack stepped beside him and they silently headed toward the camp.

  As they approached the women, Thad forced any negativity out of his head. Breakfast was already on the table and as Kim smiled and patted the bench next to her, he slid in and pulled her to him, as though he needed to feel her next to him to prove that she was really there. And that she wanted him.

  He placed a quick kiss on her cheek and relished in the smell of her hair, her skin, and inhaled deeply to keep her scent inside his lungs for as long as possible. Damn, Kim, I’ll go crazy without you, please don’t leave me.

  Then he released her and realized both Jillie and Mack were staring at him.

  “Better eat,” he threw out in his old gruff voice. “It’s getting cold.”

  Jillie arched a brow. “Forgive me for staring, Thad, it’s just that—”

  “Shut up, Jillie.” Mack nudged her in the side. She tossed a quick, puzzled glance his way, took in his warning look, and then nodded. After a moment, she picked up her fork and started eating.

  “Well, that’s a first.” Kim reached for the salt and pepper and grinned across the table. Thad sensed it was an attempt to lighten up what had the potential of being a tense moment. “I’ve never been able to shut her up that easily, Mack. You must have some kind of powerful secret.”

  Jillie’s elbow popped Mack in the side. “If you say one word, cowboy,” she warned, “you’re a dead man.”

  Mack’s surprised face caught everyone off guard, then the entire group exploded into laughter. Thad felt his shoulder and neck muscles drop into a more relaxed position as he let the laughter momentarily wash away his worries. He decided right then and there that he couldn’t fret about what was going to happen at the end of the trip, what he needed to do was concentrate on making Kim happy today. The only way to play this game was to take it one step at a time. And every step along the way was just as important as the next one.

  And if the days fell into place without a hitch, then maybe she’d decide on her own to be a part of his life, forever. And that’s what it would have to be, her decision.

  “So,” Mack’s voice interrupted his thoughts, “are we still heading out today?”

  Thad stared across the table at Jillie, who stopped chewing her sausage in mid-bite. His gaze slid to Mack, and then he sidled a glance at Kim whose startled face reflected a bit of fear back at him.

  “No,” he said in a low voice, watching Kim’s face melt. “We’ll keep the original schedule.” He paused for a moment, the same melancholy feelings from earlier returning, difficult for him to shake. “I’m not ready to push out of here yet.”

  Kim’s lips parted slightly and he watched her tongue flick away a crumb of biscuit from her lip. “Good,” she said softly. “That’s real good.”

  ****

  A fine gray mist settled over the trail two days later as she rode quietly behind Thad. Their two days had been filled with lazy mornings, afternoons exploring the mountains and even the Fremont expedition site, and nights filled with endless lovemaking. Kim had grown to crave Thad’s touch, the warmth of his body, the scent of his skin. They’d become inseparable. The only thing that put a hint of a damper on their togetherness, was her imminent departure. They never discussed it. The days were like a fairy-tale and she hadn’t wanted to burst the fantasy bubble. She refused to talk about leaving him. She knew it had to be done, but it was a thought she kept pushing further back into her brain.

  The rushing waters of the waterfall had filled her ears for some time, so she’d anticipated its presence for a while, but nothing had prepared for the spectacular sight as Thad’s horse, then hers, broke into a clearing.

  Tiny stones and larger rocks and boulders, tumbled and smoothed by the rushing waters of time, bordered the edge of the mountain cree
k. Pooled into a deep hole, which looked perfect for fishing or swimming. Water spewed off the mountain, cascading into the cradle of rock, creating a picture perfect scene for any photographer.

  Kim walked Sunshine next to Thad’s horse. “I wish I’d brought my camera,” she whispered. “This is...incredible.”

  It was difficult to pull her gaze away from the sight, but she did, feeling Thad staring at her. “I can bring you back anytime you want,” he softly returned.

  Kim searched his serious face. Will there be a next time? it seemed to ask. “I would like that.”

  His stony facade broke into a slight grin. Kim was relieved. It was a mystery what was going on in that man’s head. One minute he was carefree as a bird, the next, stone-faced as a statue. And each time he looked at her like he was memorizing every nuance of her face, her heart tripped a beat, and she was a little frightened.

  Thad dismounted and reached up to help her off her horse. “There’s a great lookout over here, if you care to climb a little.”

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  He took her hand in his and led her away from the pooled water and up a small rocky incline. After a while, he dropped her hand so they could each gain balance to maneuver around the boulders and rocks jutting out from the mountain. It wasn’t too hard a climb, but when they reached the top, she was glad for a breather.

  Thad pulled her up the last few feet.

  She smiled. “Whew! That was a little climb!”

  “Yeah, but it’s worth it. See.” He pulled her into his side and pointed her away from the mountain.

  Kim gasped. “Oh, my...it’s breathtaking.”

  A panoramic vista of mountain and mist held her speechless. Craggy bare mountains in the distance contrasted with lush forests of assorted conifers and pines dipping into the valleys closer to them. The water rushing over the waterfall behind them fell into the creek meandering below, over rugged beds of rocks and boulders. White water cascades of smaller streams emptied into the larger creek, all on their way to unknown rivers, tumbling into canyons cut deep into the mountains. To their left, probably a mile or so away, there appeared to be a small lake.

  Closer, were mountainside and patches of wildflowers. Beautiful, colorful, wildflowers.

  “Oh, Thad,” she whispered. “There are so many of them. What are they?” Lavenders, scarlets, and yellows dotted the landscape like an artist’s palette.

  Behind her now, Thad encircled her with his arms and held her close to his chest. He bent to whisper in her ear, his breath softly tickling her neck. “I don’t know all of them. The tall red ones are Indian Paintbrush. The smaller scarlet ones, near the edge of the creek are primrose. And the lavender and white are Colorado Columbine.”

  “Their gorgeous.” She turned in his arms and circled his neck, then reached up to plant a soft kiss on his lips. “Thank you for bringing me here. Can we get a closer look at those flowers before we leave?”

  “Sure can. As I said, ma’am, I’m just aimin’ to please.”

  Smiling, Kim settled back into him and clasped her hands over his arms. She didn’t know when she’d felt this content, or happy. “Tell me where we are.”

  For a moment, Thad stood transfixed, looking out over the mountain range.

  “You’re looking at the western edge of the San Juan Mountains, just east of the Continental Divide,” he began. “We’ll end up due west of here,” he pointed in that direction, “and descend down the mountains on the west side of the Divide as we head toward ElkPark. All the streams and creeks below us are falling east and will eventually end up in the Rio Grande.” He paused for a moment. Kim tipped her head sideways to see his face. His eyes grazed the horizon. “I can’t see any markers at the moment, but along there somewhere,” again he pointed, “is the Colorado Trail. There are rock cairns every once in a while, marking the trail.”

  Kim turned to face him. “The Colorado Trail?”

  “It’s a hiking trail. Starts around Denver, ends in Durango. About 470 miles long, if I remember correctly. Sometimes we’ll see hikers when we head toward ElkPark to catch the spur. A lot of times they’ll start or stop there, if they’re out for a day or two hike.”

  “Wow, do people actually hike the entire distance?”

  “Some do, I’m told. I’d rather ride.” Thad framed her face with his hands. “So what do you think of...my little corner of the world?”

  “I like it very much.” There seemed to be a momentary relaxing of Thad’s face when she answered.

  “Is it much different from Kentucky?”

  At the moment, Kim thought, Kentucky was a universe away. “Yes. Very much different.”

  “Tell me.” His eyes were hard again, penetrating deep into hers. Somehow she wasn’t sure he was talking about terrain. “Tell me all about Kim Martin and what she does in Kentucky.”

  She held his gaze for a moment, wondering what mysteries laid beyond those dark eyes of his. “Can we stay here for a while and talk?”

  Thad wrapped her closer into his embrace. “We’ve got all day.”

  Settling down onto the rock, they leaned against a huge boulder. Kim sighed. Thad kept his arms tight around her as she sat between his legs, her back leaning against his chest. She needed this—this closeness with Thad. Sharing. The togetherness. At the moment, there was nothing and no one else to be considered. No Jillie and Mack. Not her mother’s expectations. No student’s problems crowding her mind.

  There was only Thad. And it felt so good.

  “Jillie and I share an apartment back home in Lexington.”

  Thad slid one hand between the snaps of her shirt, his warm palm caressing the skin just beneath her breasts. “I gathered that much.”

  “We met about five years ago when Jillie was hired as a Biology teacher at my high school. At that time, I was teaching Home Economics, like she said the other day.”

  “But now you’re a counselor.”

  Kim nodded. “Yes.”

  “Do you miss teaching?”

  “At times. I enjoyed being in the classroom but counseling gives me even a greater sense of fulfillment.” Stopping, she stared ahead, out over the mountains. “Teenagers are so unpredictable. My days are never the same. One minute I might be dealing with two freshmen squabbling over a misinterpreted conversation, the next with a senior crying over his grades, and then with a junior who I think is being abused by her boyfriend. Sometimes it gets even heavier than that.”

  Thad dropped his head against her shoulder and listened.

  “There are days when I just want to sit down and cry because I know there is nothing that I can do to help.”

  Kim drew in a deep breath. She hadn’t realized until just this minute how she needed to get away from school for a while. Her summer break was just too short; counselors usually work through most of the summer scheduling classes. She hadn’t had much of a break.

  “I imagine the kids can talk to you pretty easily.”

  She nodded. “But I can usually put their problems right back to them. Help them put things into perspective. Try to make them see where everyone involved is coming from. You know I do have that stubborn streak. My students know I’m there when they need a shoulder to cry on, but they also know I’ll make them buck up and take the heat when the have to. They call me Sergeant Martin.” She laughed. “Sometimes, though, all they want is a sympathetic ear. Whether they’re having problems with parents or drugs or are pregnant, they all need someone to talk to. I think I’m almost a surrogate parent, at times.”

  “I’ll bet you are.”

  Kim smiled and turned slightly. “There was this girl, one of my former students, who informed me at the end of this school year that she was pregnant. I’ve tried to help her as much as possible and now I’m afraid I’ve let her make me a crutch—something I shouldn’t have done. She’s called me all summer long. She’ll probably be frantic that I’m not home yet.”

  “Did you tell her you were leaving?”

  “Ye
s, but I was supposed to be home yesterday, remember?”

  “Oh, that’s right.”

  “Do you want to try and get somewhere to call?”

  Kim shook her head. “No. She’ll be fine. She has a mother who is trying real hard to be there for her, and she has to learn to depend on her a little more. She’ll be okay. I’m sure of it.”

  “And what about you?”

  She turned even more and looked into Thad’s face. “Me?”

  Reaching out, he touched her nose and looked at her sympathetically. “You’re worried about her, aren’t you?”

  “I worry about all my students, Thad.”

  “But you’re worried about her more.”

  After a minute, she agreed. “Maybe. She’s so young. Naive. I don’t know what she’s going to do with a baby.”

  Thad didn’t say anything more for a while. Kim settled back against him. For the longest time, they let the warm afternoon breeze wash over them as she surveyed her surroundings.

  But her thoughts returned to Melissa, the young pregnant student. Melissa had made a crutch of Kim, and she’d allowed it, but even worse than that, Kim had made a crutch out of Melissa. Actually, there had been too many Melissa’s over the years. The year before it had been Christopher. Before that Daniel and Ginny. Before that....

  It dawned on Kim then that perhaps all these years she’d allowed her job to be the crutch. She’d gotten so involved in what she could do, give, and make better for all her students, that she hadn’t given any thought to what she could do for herself.

  Perhaps that’s why none of the relationships she’s had with men over the years had panned out.

  Was she that determined to make her mother see that there was more to her than making some man a wonderful wife and having his babies?

  Thad said something. She didn’t hear. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” She pulled her gaze back to look him in the face.