Reckless Love

by Kelly Elliott

  “I don’t care about that. When can I see her? Hold her?”

  He smiled. “Let’s get you to Scarlett, then the nurses will take you to the baby. We didn’t know the name, so right now she’s called baby girl Parker.”

  It was then that it hit me that he’d told me the weight and length and said that it was a girl. “Wait. It’s a girl? We had a girl?”

  Dr. Buten laughed, knowing the history behind me telling Scarlett I knew we were having a girl.

  “Looks like you were right, Trevor. She’s a pretty special little girl.”

  My father pulled me into a hug and slapped my back. “They’re okay, son. They’re both going to be okay.”

  The moment he let me go, Tripp pulled me in.

  “Trevor,” Dr. Buten said, his voice turning serious. “I need you to understand that the baby is still in the NICU. She is strong, and I expect a favorable prognosis, but nothing is a guarantee. The next few days will be touchy, but I think she’ll be okay. I just want you to understand that sometimes things…happen when we’re dealing with preemies.”

  I nodded. “I understand. Do we know why Scarlett went into labor so early?”

  Dr. Buten shook his head. “About twenty-five percent of women who go into preterm delivery have no known reason for it. Scarlett was fine medically, and the baby was too. I wish I had a better answer for you, Trevor.”

  Taking in a deep breath, I tried to wrap my head around everything.

  “You ready to go see Scarlett?” Dr. Buten asked.

  “I’m more than ready,” I answered.

  “Good. Let’s get you to Scarlett’s room before she wakes up.”

  Her eyes slowly opened, and she smiled when she saw me. Then her smile faded. Fear quickly etched on her face.

  “The baby is okay,” I quickly said.

  Her hand reached down to her stomach.

  “They had to take her, but she’s in the NICU and in an incubator.”

  Scarlett’s hand came up to her mouth, tears pooling in her eyes. Standing, I leaned over and kissed her lips.

  “Scarlett, listen to me. She’s okay. She’s going to be okay. Please don’t worry. I need you to stay calm, okay?”

  A sob slipped from her lips. “She? We had a girl?”

  With a wide grin, I nodded. “Told you it was a girl.”

  Her cries quickly turned to laughter, then she stopped. Pain crept into her eyes and she closed them.

  “Ouch. I’m so sore.”

  Leaning over, I hit the nurse’s call button. “Let me have the nurse come in, maybe they can give you medicine. They had to do an emergency C-section to get the baby out. The baby was in distress, and Dr. Buten felt the best thing to do was deliver her now.”

  “Oh my God. Trevor, she’s only thirty-weeks old!”

  “I know, but she’s doing good. They have her in the incubator to regulate her temperature. She also has oxygen and a feeding tube.”

  Scarlett closed her eyes again, and I watched as a tear managed to slip through, drawing a path down her soft cheek. Reaching over, I wiped it away.

  “Have you seen her yet?” she asked, still squeezing her eyes shut.

  “No. I wanted to be with you when you woke up, so I could let you know what happened.”

  Her eyes flew open. “Trevor, you need to get to her. Touch her, talk to her. Let her know we’re here. Please. Please go to her.”

  The monitor that measured Scarlett’s heartrate was climbing. The door to her room opened and the nurse quickly walked in.

  “Hey there, let’s take a few deep, calming breaths, Mom. We need you to stay calm, okay?”

  Scarlett nodded. “I’m so sorry. My…baby…” Sobs hit her again and I could tell they were both emotional and physical. She had to be in pain.

  “It’s okay, Ms. Littlefield. Once I get your pain under control, we’ll get you into a wheelchair and bring you to see her. But not for a few hours, okay? You just had major surgery, so we need to take it easy.”

  With a nod, Scarlett took in a few deep breaths.

  “Now, I’m going to give you something for the pain.”

  Turning to me, Scarlett forced a smile. “Trevor, will you please go see our baby?”

  I glanced up at the nurse. She nodded. “I’ll show you to the NICU as soon as we get Ms. Littlefield settled.”

  Scarlett and I exchanged a small smile. We never did manage to get married but that didn’t matter. To me she was already mine, to hell about a piece of paper.

  “We need to pick out a name for her,” I whispered as I kissed the back of her hand gently, careful not to touch her IV.

  “Well, we had it narrowed down to two.”

  The nurse grinned as she pushed the syringe into the IV port.

  “What were the two names?” the nurse asked.

  “Paisley or Aurora,” I replied.

  “Both are beautiful. I think you should see her first, then decide.”

  I shook my head. “No, I want Scarlett to decide.”

  With a soft smile, Scarlett said, “Take a video of her and we’ll decide together.”

  The nurse smiled. “That is a perfect idea. Scarlett, that medicine is going to make you sleepy, and the more you sleep the better, okay?”

  Scarlett nodded and closed her eyes. Before I knew it, she was back asleep.

  Swallowing hard, I kissed her forehead. “I’m going to go see our baby girl.”

  Her eyes barely opened, and she mumbled, “Tell her Mommy loves her.”

  I fought to hold back my tears. This wasn’t fair. I didn’t want to see our baby without Scarlett.

  “Will do.”

  Stepping back, I studied her. She looked peaceful and no longer in pain as she drifted off to sleep.

  “Resting is the best thing for her, Mr. Parker. Let’s go see your baby.”

  When we stepped out of the room and into the hall, I stopped walking abruptly. The nurse turned and faced me. Tilting her head in question, she studied me.

  “I can’t do it. I can’t see the baby without her. It’s not right.”

  “Mr. Parker, what you’re feeling is natural, but I heard your wife pleading for you to go to the baby and I agree with her. The faster you connect with her, the better it will be for you and for the baby.”

  My hand rubbed the back of my neck. “She wasn’t planned, and the first time I found out about her…wasn’t exactly good. I just don’t want the first time I meet my daughter to be…without Scarlett. We seem to keep doing everything backwards.”

  When my voice cracked, the nurse took a step closer and reached for my hand.

  “I know what you’re going through. The whole reason I became a nurse was because I went into labor at thirty-two weeks. I couldn’t see my baby for five days, I developed an infection. My husband was scared to death to see that tiny little thing. He was afraid she would bond with him and not me. It was the hardest thing I ever went through, and I know it was for him too. Each time he came into my room, I saw the guilt on his face, but I promise you, I wanted him with our baby more than I wanted him with me. Scarlett feels the same way. Her mothering instincts have already kicked in, sweetie. I promise you, later this evening we’ll get her up and take her to the baby.”

  I nodded and took in a few deep breaths. “Okay. Okay, I’m okay now.”

  She chuckled. “You don’t sound like it, but I’ll take your word for it. Let’s go meet your daughter.”

  I felt numb washing up before heading into the NICU. The moment I walked in, I froze. The first thing I saw were incubators. About ten of them. Next to each one was a rocking chair. Nurses were tending to some of the incubators, while two nurses were sitting in the rocking chairs holding the tiniest of babies. My heart nearly dropped when the nurse pointed to the incubator with the pink blanket draped over it.

  “Baby girl Parker is waiting to meet you, Dad.”

  Pulling in a deep breath, another nurse walked up to us.

  “Kacy, this is Trevor Parker.”<
br />
  A wide smile moved across her face. “Baby girl Parker’s daddy. She is the sweetest little thing.”

  I forced a smile and tried to get my heartbeat under control. My hands were shaking so bad, I had to ball them into fists.

  “I’m going to leave you with Kacy, Mr. Parker.”

  Turning to the nurse, I reached out my hand. “Thank you so much.”

  One quick glance at her nametag and I added, “Emma. Thank you for taking care of Scarlett and me…and our baby girl.”

  “Of course. I’m on shift until eleven, and if I don’t see you before I leave, I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow evening.”

  I nodded and turned back to Kacy.

  “Mr. Parker.”

  “Trevor, please call me Trevor.”

  She nodded. “Okay, Trevor. I need to let you know that your daughter is hooked up to a lot of wires and machines. It’s going to be shocking. She’s very little and fragile, but not so fragile you won’t be able to hold her.”

  “Today?”

  “Maybe. She’ll be on a schedule. Every three to four hours one of us will wake her, take her vitals and when the time comes, start to practice with her on taking a bottle. During these schedules, Mom and Dad are encouraged to be here. We like to do something called Kangaroo Care. This is where there is skin-to-skin contact with Mom or Dad. It helps with growth and bonding.”

  “Okay,” I replied, as I glanced around the room. I felt so far out of my element and tried like hell not to cry. In the corner, a mom sat in a rocker, holding her tiny infant to her chest. Tears pricked harder at the back of my eyes.

  “Are you ready to meet your daughter?” Kacy asked, pulling my gaze away from the mom.

  My entire body trembled, and I had no fucking idea why I was so damn scared. I wanted Scarlett here. I needed Scarlett here. It wasn’t fair I was getting to see the baby first without her.

  “Trevor?” Kacy asked, squeezing gently on my arm. My eyes met hers.

  “I wish Scarlett was here.”

  A soft smile moved over her face. “I know you do. I also know she would be here if she could. The first few days you might struggle bonding with the baby, or your wife might, but it’s these first few days that are of the utmost importance.”

  “We’re not married. We, um, we were at our wedding ceremony when Scarlett’s water broke.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Kacy said and I could hear the sincerity in her voice. “Scarlett might have a harder time bonding since she is not seeing the baby for a few hours after birth. I need you to know that we’re here not only for the baby, but for you and Scarlett, as well. Any questions you might have or anything you might need, just ask.”

  “Thank you, Kacy.”

  She nodded and motioned for me to follow her.

  “Now, you washed up good before you came in. You can reach into the incubator and touch the baby. I encourage it. Talk to her. Let her know you’re here.”

  When we walked up, she lifted the blanket and I nearly dropped to my knees. My stomach lurched as I stared down at my precious daughter, wires and tubes coming out in every direction.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered as a sob slipped from my mouth. Pulling in a deep breath, I got my emotions quickly under control.

  “Let me explain what we have going on here, okay?”

  All I could do was nod.

  “This is the ventilator, and we’re hoping your growing preemie won’t be on it long. She’ll move to a CPAP when we remove this. This is the PICC line. She doesn’t have the sucking motion down just yet, but once she does, we’ll feed her with a bottle and this will be removed. We need to make sure her gut is ready before we start introducing Scarlett’s milk. Right now she is getting something called Totally Parental Nutrition, or TPN. The nutrition bypasses the digestive system and goes right into her bloodstream. Just like it did when she was in the womb.”

  I nodded, trying to get the bile down in my throat.

  She started pointing to different things and telling me what they were. My head was spinning. “This is her temperature monitor. This is her ECG and blood pressure monitor.”

  Gummy Bear was attached to so many things. “What is that?” I asked, pointing to the tubes that were wrapped around each tiny foot.

  “The oxygen saturation monitor and one of the IV pumps. This is her umbilical artery catheter.”

  “Kacy, how in the world will we be able to hold her with all of this attached to her?”

  She gave me a warm grin. “Trust me, you’ll be able to hold her. Would you like to introduce yourself now? I’m sure she’s ready to hear your voice, this time up close and personal.”

  Taking in a deep breath, I slipped my hands into the incubator and picked up my daughter’s tiny hand, laying it in mine. It was so tiny, yet I could feel her strength.

  “Hey there, Gummy Bear. It’s Daddy. You decided to surprise me and Mommy by coming to meet us early.”

  When her little hand squeezed my pinky finger, I leaned my head on the incubator and cried. I wasn’t sure how to deal with a situation that was totally out of my control. Kacy put her arm around me to let me know she was there.

  “I read a quote once about preemies. It’s always stuck in my mind. It said, ‘Having a premature baby is like getting one of God’s little miracles in the midst of their creation’. I always loved that.”

  Through blurry, tear-soaked eyes, I stared at my daughter. Tubes and wires were everywhere in her incubator, but there she was, holding onto my finger. Telling me she wasn’t going to give up. She was going to be strong.

  “I’ll never…I’ll never leave you ever, princess. Never. Mommy and Daddy are going to be here for you always. I love you so much.”

  Clearing her voice, Kacy dropped her arm from me. “I’m going to let Daddy and daughter bond for a bit.”

  I blocked out everything around me and focused on the little miracle. A small pink hat was on her head and I knew immediately what I had to do when I left the NICU. For now, though, I was going to be right here with my daughter, letting her know we were with her and that her mommy was going to be there soon.

  “Mommy will be here later. I think we’ll get your schedule so they can time it. Maybe Mommy will be able to hold you because she’s waited an awfully long time to hold you and see your beautiful face. Can you wait just a bit longer for her, princess? She wants to be here so badly.”

  Her little fingers gently squeezed my finger, and I fought to hold back the breakdown that was knocking at the door of my heart all over again.

  Looking up, I took in the NICU. How long would we have to keep our daughter here? A month? Two? What would life be like once we did get her home? Could she travel with us to Ireland to the wedding? Would she need special medical care? I felt like I was caught between the bookends of this part of my life. I sort of knew where things were going, but I really had no fucking clue.

  This wasn’t supposed to be how things happened. Scarlett was going to carry the baby full term. She would be born and placed in Scarlett’s arms right away. We were supposed to whisk her home, and everyone would go crazy over her.

  My eyes landed back on my little Gummy Bear. She yawned and everything in that moment made complete sense.

  I didn’t know why things worked out like they had, but I did know with all of my heart that everything was going to be okay. I needed to be strong for my two girls. I’d give myself one moment to lose my shit when I left here, and the moment I walked into Scarlett’s room, I was there for her one-hundred-and-ten percent.

  A small shake of my shoulder had me opening my eyes. I had fallen asleep with my head on the baby’s incubator. My hand still in the incubator with my daughter’s fingers still wrapped around my pinky.

  “You looked pretty peaceful sleeping and I hated waking you, but I figured you might want to get back to Mom.”

  I dragged my free hand down my face. “Yes. I’m sorry about that.”

  Kacy grinned. “Don’t apologize. We’re going to
be waking baby Parker up in about an hour. If Mom is feeling up to it, she might want to hold her then.”

  Gently letting go of my daughter’s hand, I stood. “Yes! She’ll want to. Let me head back to her room.”

  With a slight chuckle, Kacy nodded. “Then I’ll see you soon.”

  By the time I made it back to Scarlett’s room, the nurse had already helped her out of bed, to the bathroom, and she was sitting her in the wheelchair.

  “Shit, I’m sorry, baby. I wanted to be back here when you got out of bed.”

  Lifting her chestnut eyes to me, Scarlett tried her best to smile through the pain. Once she was seated, I could see her body relax.

  “I had her stand up as straight as she could. It’s best to stretch the incision while she is still somewhat numb.”

  Snarling, I replied, “Ouch.”

  Scarlett shook her head and added, “Numb, my ass.”

  Then she let out a breath and focused on me. “Did you take a picture of her?”

  My eyes darted to the nurse and then back to Scarlett.

  “Yes. Baby, I need you to be prepared when you see her. She’s hooked up to a lot of things.”

  Scarlett nodded. “I asked for my phone and started to research some on premature babies once I woke up.”

  “Okay, good.”

  My stomach dropped a bit. Looking at pictures of other people’s babies was one thing, seeing your own was going to be different. After I left the NICU I headed into the men’s restroom and sat in a stall for a few minutes and cried my fucking eyes out all over again. It felt good to get it all out, and I knew at some point, Scarlett was going to need to do the same thing. For now, the only thing I could do was be by her side.

  “May I see the pictures?” Scarlett asked.

  I hesitated, not sure what to do. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket and walked over to her. I pulled up the one and only picture I’d taken of our baby. Handing my phone to Scarlett, I held my breath. She had asked for a video, but I couldn’t do it. I’d barely been able to take the picture.