by Kristie Cook
“You have to make your own happy. You can’t depend on other people for that.”
“Are you happy?” I asked softly, looking up at him.
He looked at me closely, watching me watch him. Then he bent his head and kissed me, softly and gently at first. I was completely confused and enthralled by how much I’d wanted him to do that and I wound my arms around his middle as our lips met for the first time in agonizing weeks. Then I opened my mouth to his out of sheer requirement.
He had a tongue ring that I had no prior knowledge of and my blood heated to think about it as it clanked gently once against my teeth. His fingers on my chin moved to my cheek and then to my hair. It sent thrills through me and I shivered and pressed myself closer. He groaned, a strained sound, and pulled away.
We stood close, our foreheads touching and our hot breaths mingling and swirling, making me feel intoxicated in the foggy, dark parking lot. He pulled back to look at me and smiled a little bit. Then kissed me once more softly on the lips.
“I’ve wanted to do that ever since I saw you in the park that day.” He pulled my hand up to kiss my palm then looked both ways and pulled me across the street. “Go straight inside,” he told me as he pushed me toward my porch.
Then he walked away and took off down the street toward his house. I was in stunned awe. I walked in a daze up the hall and wondered what had caused him to end our kiss so abruptly. I also wondered why I wasn’t more upset about Dee and Tate. I was, but I would think I’d be in hysterics; I should’ve been. But I wasn’t in agony. I was hurt, but I was more angry at the betrayal. I had no idea what tomorrow was going to bring, but I knew there was no way I could just sit with them at lunch and pretend that what they did was all ok anymore. And even if Eli hadn’t just kissed me, Tate and I would still be so over.
Things were about to change.
Pastor and Mrs. Ruth were watching television and the children were already in bed so I crept down the hall quietly so as not to disturb them and went straight to my dresser. I had some soul cleaning-out to do.
The prom picture from last year—trashed it. The picture of the whole gang at a beach party this summer, all wearing our bathing suits and jumping into the air—gone. The photo booth pics Tate insisted we get together at the mall where he kissed me in a different spot in every one—done with them. The ribbons I saved from Middle School Cheer camp from Sarah and my pompoms through with them. The movie stubs and Grad Nite ticket I saved from the past years down it floated into the pile that was my life. Everything I thought was important was no longer.
I threw on my sleep clothes, a long Navy t-shirt of my sisters that she gave me when she left. Essentially, it was a guilt gift. I paused and brought Eli’s shirt that I’d just taken off to my nose. It still smelled just like him and I held back the need to groan about it. I slipped under the covers, his shirt in between my fingers, and was already dreading school tomorrow. But right then, I was ready to close my eyes. Ready to see if Eli would still be there in the dark of my eyelids, waiting for me.
***
I was in the school parking lot. I had on my long t-shirt and nothing else and I looked around, but I was alone. I leaned against a car that had been left in the lot and for a second wondered if I had sleep walked over here and this was real, not what happened when I closed my eyes. Then I felt him. I turned my head to see him making his way to me. I wondered if things would be different between us now. He’d never kissed me in the dream-walk things before.
He answered me almost immediately.
He pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine hungrily. I pulled him, too, so he’d lean with me against the car and he came willingly as he continued to kiss all the good sense out of me. Once again he pulled away too soon, it seemed, once I got worked up.
“I’m glad you came,” I said breathlessly.
“I couldn’t not come,” he answered. Then he lifted me to sit on the hood of the car as he came to stand between my knees. “You’re laying with my shirt,” he said knowingly and smirked.
“How do you know that?” I asked seriously.
“I know lots of things,” he said cryptically.
“Please, Eli. I am so confused. Is this real? Are you really here or am I just wishful thinking every night? How is this even possible?”
“I don’t want to mess things up, Clara,” he whispered and ran a hand absently down my arm.
“You won’t. I just want to know.”
He looked around, blowing an exasperated breath. “Walk with me?”
“Are you going to answer my question?”
“Will it matter as to whether you walk with me or not?”
I huffed, but smiled at him. “You’re impossible.” I let him help me down and he took my hand. I felt completely comfortable, even though I was only in a long t-shirt. “Where are we going?”
“I thought I’d show you the park at night. It’s pretty amazing.”
“You hang out at the park at night?”
“Sometimes. I’m supposed to be … there’s things I’m supposed to be doing, but I … I can’t anymore. So after I visit you, I go there,” he confessed.
“Eli, please,” I pulled him to stop in the middle of the streetlamp lit road. “You have to tell me what’s going on. Are you in some kinda trouble or something?”
“Sweet, Clara,” he said softly and touched my cheek, rubbing caresses with his thumb. “Are you going to save me if I am?”
“I’ll do anything I can,” I said and looked him right in the eye.
“There’s nothing you can do I’m afraid. But I love it that you’d try anyway,” he said and kissed me again, lingering.
Then he towed me to the swings, setting me in one and pushing me in a slow easy rhythm. We stayed there for a long time just like that, just being with each other. Sometimes we talked about school or things we liked but, mostly we just enjoyed each other’s space and time. I realized he was not going to answer my questions but I didn’t want to push. We lay in the grass and looked at the bugs buzzing and humming around the streetlamps for hours it seemed. At the end of our time, he walked me home.
“If this is a dream or something, why does it matter where we end up? I’m still in my bed, aren’t I?”
“Yes, but I wouldn’t want you to think I wasn’t a gentleman. Besides, I’ve been dying to kiss you every time I drop you off on your doorstep.” I blushed and he smiled wider as he leaned in, pulling me up to meet his lips. It was easy and controlled. Then he leaned back and touched my bottom lip with his thumb. “By the way, what we’re doing is called a Reverie. It’s not a dream, because you’re still awake. That’s why I need to leave, so you can get some sleep. Goodnight. I’ll see you tomorrow, CB.”
I could only nod and touch my lips in wonder. Had it all been real? I felt a little insane, but giddy, too. It was official; I was crazy obsessed. I giggled as I made my way back to my room and saw myself laying there in the bed. That scene and the shock jolted me aware and I sat up in bed quickly, back in myself.
I lay back down and smiled as I wondered if it had been real at all. It was crazy to think so, but I wanted it to be so badly.
***
By the time I reached school the next morning, my heart was in a tizzy. I was scared; scared of what I was going to do with Tate and Dee and all the rest of them. I was a little early this morning so I sat in the courtyard under the oak with a bench around it, along with everyone else in their little groups but, I was alone.
A couple of smiley freshman came up and asked me about joining the spirit squad. I was debating quitting, though I didn’t tell them that, so I directed them to Sarah. They gave me funny looks when I pointed them her way. I knew it was because I wasn’t sitting with my friends. I just smiled extra brightly and waited for them to move on.
I was about to pull out my math book when I heard a commotion and looked to see Dee, Mike and Megan chanting ‘chili boy’ across the yard. Patrick was about ten feet from them and had just sat down
with his friends. He shook his head and looked away from them angrily, but they didn’t stop. Chili boy? That wasn’t even a good insult!
My mind made itself up right then and before I even realized what I was doing, I’d packed up my stuff and was making my way to Patrick.
Dee and Mike looked deviously gleeful as they slapped hands. Dee watched me giddily as she actually thought that even after her betrayal something that was so hurtful and evil that I was confused as to how she was really even a human girl—I was coming to sit with them, but when I veered off her smile turned to disbelief.
I heard Mike mutter, “What is she doing?”
“Clara!” she called and waved for me to come. “I forgive you. Come sit with us,” she said snidely with a little evil smile.
“Yeah!” Mike yelled, too, even though he had no idea what was going on. “It’s all good, baby.”
I glared at them as I made my way to Patrick. When she realized what I was doing she turned bright red. No one crossed my group. They were like the Mob of high school.
“Patrick,” I said softly and saw him stiffen before he turned. He looked at me with a little frown and waited for me to say something else. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know … I didn’t mean to put you in the middle of all that. I’m really sorry, and they were wrong to act like that.”
“You were sitting right there with them, as I recall,” he said smoothly, but I could tell he was fighting for control.
“Yes, I was,” I said and heard my voice choke back tears, “and I’m ashamed about that. I just wanted to say I was sorry,” I repeated and walked away towards the school.
He watched me and when he saw me pass Dee and the rest of them, he yelled my name. I turned to see him standing, his friends looking between the two of us. He waved me back and I started slowly his way again. I could see Mike and Dee and the others watching us. I could practically feel the anger pouring off them as they glared daggers. And Dee. She thought she had me, that I’d have to just suck it up and endure her and everything she’d done to me. That I’d just take it, but she was wrong and now she was mad.
“Clara, get your butt over here. Or have you not gotten his notes yet?” she yelled and laughed.
Mike snickered as he bumped fist with Tommy when he walked up to join them. Megan and Sarah were just as happy as the rest of them as they giggled into their fists.
I joined Patrick, my books in my hands, my bag over my shoulder. I looked up to him tentatively.
“What’d you do?” he asked, his arms folded over his chest.
“What?”
“What did you do to the ice patrol to get shunned?”
“I didn’t do anything. I just found out who my real friends were.”
“And who are they?” he asked and cocked his head.
“I don’t have any,” I said in a cheerful voice with a big fake smile.
They all burst out laughing.
“You’re all right, kid,” Patrick said and put his arm around my shoulder. “Come on, sit with us.”
I sat down and really got a look of Patrick’s friends. There were five of them that hung out regularly, four guys and one girl, but the girl had an almost shaved head and a nose ring connected to her earring so I was intimidated and kept my mouth shut with her. Patrick introduced me to everyone and I felt bad because they all knew who I was, but I didn’t know any of their names except Patrick.
Then I felt it; the awareness that Eli was there. I looked up to see him staring at me. He smiled wide and knowingly. When he started to make his way to us, Dee bolted from my old group and wrapped her arms around his neck. He pulled her off gently and set her aside as he continued to walk to us.
She huffed and started to follow him, but saw where he was going and slowed. He walked right up to me, pulled me up from my bench and kissed me right there in front of everyone. I heard Patrick and his friends whistling and clapping before Eli released me, my cheeks blazing a hot crimson. I saw Dee walk red faced and angry to grab her purse and then Megan and Sarah following her as she stalked away.
He leaned down to whisper in my ear, “I’m so proud of you, CB.” I just smiled up at him. Then he spoke again. “I told you I’d see you tomorrow, didn’t I?”
I gasped and grabbed his shirt front. In the Reverie, he’d said that. It was real? “Tell me, please,” I pleaded.
“We’ll talk later,” he said with a smile. “At my place.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Hey, Eli. What’s up, man?” Patrick said and they bumped fist and did some strange hand shake, arm bumping thing. It looked intricate. “Dude, we’ve gotta show you the town this week, man. There’s a club here that’s pretty sick, if you go on the right night.”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“Cool.” The bell rang ending any further comments. “See you guys later.”
Eli walked me to homeroom, brushing my shoulder with his and we got many looks, but I no longer cared. Everyone was used to seeing me with Tate and I’m sure it was strange for them to see me with Eli all of a sudden, but I could care less. Eli was smiling sexily as we walked and when we reached my homeroom door he leaned in, forcing me to retreat to the wall.
“I’m so glad I can do this now,” he confessed softly and rubbed my arm discreetly.
“Me, too.” I groaned, tugging on his shirt front, my actions refuting my next words, “I've gotta go.”
“I’ll see you at lunch, ok?” he said through a broad grin that displayed his enjoyment of my actions.
“Ok,” I said and bit my lip.
I looked both ways and pulled him to me, feeling his smile against my skin as I kissed his cheek. But a loud bang startled us apart. We both looked over to see Tate standing at my locker, his fist firmly planted into an imprint in the metal where he had punched. He was looking at us—glaring was a more appropriate description.
He pushed off and turned with everyone watching him like he was a ticking time bomb. He punched another locker on his way and then disappeared out of sight.
“Crap,” I muttered.
“Hey. Don’t worry about him,” Eli said softly and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I’ll take care of him if he wants trouble.”
“He’s still using.”
“I know.”
I sighed. “Ok. See you at lunch. Be careful, ok?”
He smirked. “You’re cute when you worry.”
“Ha, ha,” I said and smiled before heading into class.
***
“I can’t believe you,” Sarah scoffed and banged her locker shut as she started down the hall. “I mean, you already had this amazing hot guy and now you take the other available hot guy. What’s with you? I don’t remember you being this selfish,” Sarah said hotly.
“Sarah, Tate hit me. He cheated on me. He’s using steroids. What was I supposed to do? Pretend it didn’t happen just to keep the clique happy? Eli has been there for me through all this.”
“How convenient,” she said and tried to go around me but I stopped her.
“Sarah, don’t be like this. You weren’t mad at Dee for hanging all over him, so why are you mad at me?”
“It’s different.”
“Why?” I asked in bewilderment.
“Because she’s Dee and you’re you. I don’t know it’s just different. I didn’t expect him to go for her anyway.”
“I can’t help it if he likes me. I didn’t chase him, it just worked out this way,” I explained.
“It just worked out this way,” she repeated blandly and stopped to look at me. “And what was that stunt with Patrick this morning. WTH, Clara?”
“What they were doing was wrong and you know it. Dee and Mike and everybody else shouldn’t be able to just do whatever they want to people just because they are who they are.”
“Whatever. You never complained before.”
“I know. And I’m making up for lost time now.”
“You’re not going to sit with us at lunc
h, are you?”
I hesitated, already knowing the answer but dreading her reaction.
“No. I can’t. I don’t want to be around Tate.”
“Well, I guess that’s it then, isn’t it?” she spouted and started walking again.
“Is it really that important to you? To be sitting at that table?”
“Yes! It’s all I have, Clara! I’m not pretty like you. I don’t have guys throwing themselves at me. All I have are them and that table.”
I stopped following her and let her go. “You can sit with me anytime you want,” I called after her.
I met Eli at the door to our next class. I’d told him I wanted to talk to Sarah before class. He had wanted to go with me because of Tate but I assured him his class was way away from ours.
“How’d it go?” he asked and ushered me into class with a hand on my back.
“As expected.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s ok. If paying for your past sins were easy, everyone would do it right?”
He smirked down at me.
“Very philosophical. And true.”
“Seats, people,” the teacher grunted as she entered and I made my way to mine.
Class went by slowly, waiting for lunch. I dreaded it but, also welcomed it. I needed to get this over with and the sooner the better. I wondered if Patrick would have a problem with my sitting with them or not. I was sure Eli and I could sit alone somewhere else.
I laughed under my breath. I was an outcast! It was hilarious and liberating. After spending my whole life being seen as some spoiled and undeserving privileged cool kid, I was a loser! And it felt awesome. I turned to Eli to see him smiling at me, like he knew what I was thinking. I smiled back and bit my lip when he winked at me. I heard a loud ‘ahem’ from the front of the room and looked to see the teacher with a brow raised, eyeing us both.
I mouthed a sorry and she shook her head in amusement before going on with class. Then the bell rang.
Eli and I walked together after we went to his locker. I realized that was why he always got there after us. We shuffled our way to the cafeteria and stopped in the doorway, my heart galloping. Eli took my cold hand in his and brought it up to his mouth to kiss my fingers. He leaned towards me and whispered in my ear.