by Kristie Cook
“I think you should ask her. Right now. She likes guys who are bold, Pat. Go for it.”
“Really? You think so? Ok.”
I walked with him back to our table and sat down, turning a quick smile on Dee, then Sarah.
“Sarah, look who came to see you.”
Everyone turned to look at Patrick. That’s when I felt my first real jolt of guilt. Oh, no. What had I done? I’d practically fed him to the wolves because I was jealous of Dee and Eli. I started to tell Pat never mind, to just forget it, but he’d already started.
“Hey, Sarah.”
“Oh?” Dee chimed happily and leaned her back against Eli. “This should be good. Well, go ahead.”
“Um … I was just thinking it might be fun to go to the dance together. It’s short notice, I know.”
“Patrick … um,” Sarah stalled. She could be cruel too but not to someone like Pat and not just outright. But apparently, Dee was bent on answering for her.
“You thought she’d go to the dance with you?” Dee shrilled loudly, calling attention from everyone in the lunchroom.
Pat turned a betrayed glance to me before putting them back on her and silently pleading for her to stop.
“I’m sorry I bothered you,” he said to Sarah, who sat silently.
“Oh no, we’re not finished.” Dee stood quickly. “Mike, Tom, get him!”
They grabbed him in on both arms and Dee stood in front of him, smirking like the fake princess she was.
I thought about saying something, but I was already in hot water with the Tate thing and now Eli and you just didn’t go up against my friends and make it out unscathed.
“You thought she’d go out with something that looks like I scraped it off my boot?” she sneered and grabbed Sarah’s chili bowl from in front of her. I cringed in horror as she handed it to Mike and he dumped it on Patrick’s head, right there in the lunch room. Everyone started laughing immediately, taunting. “Now. Go run along and play with the kids at your table. You will never speak to her again, understand?”
He started to fight back, but Mike and Tom were pretty big guys. He probably figured Tate and Eli would join in the fray, too, so he pulled briskly from their grasps.
“Whatever,” he grumbled and walked away, leaving chili marks on the floor and wiping his eyes and face with it as the heckles ensued around him.
I covered my mouth to stifle my cry. I wanted to burst into tears for him. No one deserved that, especially not Patrick, and I was the cause. I felt sick.
Then my eyes drifted to Eli and I felt even sicker. He was looking at me with doubt and unbelief. He raised his chin and flicked his eyes towards where Patrick had slinked off to. He was challenging me again. Wanting me to stand up to my friends who were still laughing about ‘chili boy’. But I wasn’t the one who poured chili on his head was I?
I stood, though I had no intention of intervening. I just stood.
Dee sat back down and when she did, Eli got up. She tried to stop him with a surprised smile, she tried to coax him to sit, having no idea what he was doing.
“Come on, baby. It’s not time for bell yet.”
He gave her a look that said he knew exactly what time it was.
“I’m not into spoiled princesses who have to stomp on people to feel good about themselves. But thanks anyway,” he said smoothly, jerked her arm off of his then walked away. Just like that.
I was as stunned as everyone else as they silently watched him go. The countless times—daily events really—that I’d witnessed of my so called friends torturing other kids could fill a novella. I’d always watched, never stood up to them and never participated but now, as I watched Eli walk away, I realized I may as well have been the one doing it myself; tripping kids, making fun, laughing at, humiliating, pouring chili on their heads, because it was practically the same thing. I stood by and accepted it, was complacent and that may have even been worse.
But Eli was someone to respect and be proud of … unlike me.
I grabbed my bag and went to go, too, but Sarah grabbed my arm.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m done,” I said.
“Where are you going, Clara?” Dee asked even though Sarah just had.
“I’m done,” I said harder. Her face froze in a mask of hatefulness.
“Oh,” Mike chanted moving behind me and slapped my ponytail to mock me. “Look who’s all high and mighty now.”
Without another word, I turned and left. I heard Tate telling Mike not to touch me, but I kept going. When I reached the hall, I saw Eli heading into our class. He looked back at me and watched me for a second before going in.
The bell rang and I looked for Patrick to apologize but didn’t find him. I felt wretched. I heard my name behind me. Tate. I bolted the other way. Math class was fast paced as she did lots of board work for us and since I didn’t sit next to Eli, I didn’t get to talk to him. When I got to Art, Eli was there already and he didn’t say a word as I sat down.
“Hey, you ok?” I asked.
“Oh, I’m fine,” he said softly and looked at me. “My conscience is clean. How’s yours?”
I felt all my breath leave me. He turned to face the class and didn’t look back at me again. I felt horrible. Not only was I guilty over Patrick, but now Eli thought I was a bad person. He knew I was just as guilty as the rest of them, but called me on it. That stung worse than the guilt.
When the bell rang he shot out of his seat and hurried out the door. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry but didn’t. Somehow I trudged my way to the hall and out the school doors.
Chapter Four
There was a pep rally and bonfire that night so I had to be at the school even though I so did not want to be. I met Sarah at the table but she was too hyped and I wasn’t in the mood for her banter. I stood on the other side with a couple of t-shirts in hand and tried to smile normally.
I saw Patrick and his friends coming in the door. I wondered why they even bothered to come to these things. It wasn’t like they were all about school spirit or anything. I watched him as he laughed and pushed and joked with his friends. He saw me watching and his smile disappeared into a frown. He looked away immediately and hurried inside. I felt like the worst kind of person. But at least he came; he showed everyone he wasn’t going to hide and cower just because they embarrassed him. I felt someone behind me and turned to tell Sarah to please just leave me by myself for a minute. But it was Eli.
“Eli,” I breathed.
“Clara,” he said gruffly. “I see Patrick’s here. Can’t keep a nice guy down, huh?”
“I guess not. I’m glad he came,” I told him, but couldn’t lift my face to look at him.
“Why? Dee and Mike not finished with him yet?” he said snidely.
“No, it’s not that,” I said softly and couldn’t find anything else to say.
I just stared up at him and wondered if there was any way to fix all the mess. He grabbed my arm gently and pulled me to the wall. He leaned me against it with a hand pushing my stomach and though his words were harsh, his face was pleading.
“You are so much better than them, than this. You’re not the kind of person who hurts people. I know you’re not. You choose your own actions. No one can make you do something, Clara.”
“I know that,” I said and pushed his hand away. “I didn’t mean for that to happen to him. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“But you don’t ever stand up to them. They make their whole life about ruining others. The Clara I thought I was getting to know, who’s sweet and sad and thoughtful all at the same time, wouldn’t be ok with other people being hurt like that.”
He was right and I was so done with it all, everything; the guilt, the sadness, the need for things to be perfect and normal. I pushed him aside so I could leave and I went straight home. Sarah yelled at me to come back, that we weren’t done yet, but I didn’t care and didn’t stop. And she didn’t call me to check on me that night either.
“Clara, I thought you had a match tonight?”
“I did but I left. I’m gonna go to bed, I’m not feeling too well.”
“Are you ok?” she touched my forehead with the backs of her fingers. “You don’t feel warm, but you looked a little flushed.”
“I’m fine. I’m not really hungry, just going to go to bed. Don’t worry. I’m just tired,” I included so she wouldn’t feel the need to check up on me.
She called up to me with a sweet, “Feel better”.
After a shower in which I cried in self pity and stayed way too long in the hot water, I sat on my bed and debated shutting my eyes. I mean it wasn’t real. Apparently I was having some kind of breakdown. The death of my parents had pushed me over the edge somehow but it was only now that I was feeling the effects; a delayed response due to denial or shock maybe. I didn’t know, but I did know that I wasn’t ready to see Eli when I closed my eyes. To see his disappointment in me and hear him tell me I was stupid for worrying about Tate and everything else.
But I knew I couldn’t fight it all night. So I lay back and closed my eyes and was met with nothing but darkness. Eventually I drifted to sleep and Eli never made an appearance. I guessed I was going crazy after all.
***
I decided to lie.
I was in no mood to face everyone at school, with their smug grins that had no place on their faces. I didn’t want to face Tate and his guilt and dodge the begging ceremony I knew he was trying to stage. And I didn’t want to face Eli.
So, I lied.
I told Mrs. Ruth that I was sick and threw together a concoction that resembled what I was going for into the toilet. She took barely a peek and turned green, yelling that I was excused from school as she practically ran down the hall. I felt bad for lying, but strangely also wanted to giggle at how easy it had been. I hardly ever missed school.
All that day I stayed in bed and watched vamp show reruns. I sulked and tried to not think about Tate or Eli. I was basically a coward, but I knew I couldn’t be one all day. There was a match at school that night and I had to attend, especially after running out on last night.
In the afternoon, I got up and took another shower. Mrs. Ruth had tapped on my door several times to check on me, but I just assured her I was fine until she went away. Now I could hide no longer. My life awaited me and I had to face it.
So I grabbed a biscuit off the stove on my way out and waved to the babies, telling Mrs. Ruth I just needed rest because I felt fine. She didn’t look convinced but, didn’t stop me. Pastor Paul caught me at the door and hugged me, kissing my forehead. It reminded me so much of my father that I had to stop the gasp that always wanted to seep out. I squeezed my eyes tight to stop the wetness and looked up to him with a smile.
He must have seen it written all over my face. His expression softened even more, which didn’t seem possible. There was understanding there, not sympathy.
“Your parents would be so proud of you, Clara. I just wanted to tell you that.”
“Thanks,” I croaked and turned away. I highly doubted that they’d be proud of me today. “I have to get to the school. See you later.”
“Bye, honey. Midnight.”
“I remember,” I called over my shoulder and waved without turning.
Then I felt my pocket buzz with a text message right as I reached the parking lot to the gym.
Meet me outside the away locker room after the match. I want to talk. Please. Just for a minute. Tate
I knew I should have just disregarded it, but I had to talk to him eventually. I decided I’d go and tell him I needed some time to think. He needed to get himself together as well. It would be better by ourselves instead of talking at school in front of everybody.
I went to the booth and got right to work selling tickets and merchandise. Another girl, Tamara, was helping today, but I didn’t say anything to her or anyone else.
Once it was time for the match I made my way inside. For some reason I found myself searching the stands for Patrick. I saw him at the bottom bleacher with his friends but there was someone else who had stopped to talk to him … Eli. They were chatting and laughing and I was too ashamed to face Eli or Patrick right then, so I went to turn, but Eli saw me at the last second. His violet gaze pierced me to my spot and I stared back at him. Finally he released me and I almost stumbled away. I went to the side where I never sat for the games. I just couldn’t deal with anyone right then.
A few of the people sitting there gave me a funny look, but ultimately left me alone. Everyone knew who I was and where I sat. I hadn’t realized how shallow and predictable I had become.
The match went on without a hitch. I watched as Sarah looked around for me, but finally decided to just ogle the opposing team. Tate looked for me, too, but didn’t see me. He looked disappointed.
We won though and at the end of the match, I got up to leave. I saw Eli making his way to me. Once again I wasn’t ready to hear more of his disappointment in me or lectures so I turned and hurried out the door. I made my way to the guest shower housing. I walked slowly, giving them time to be packed up. I heard talking and figured Tate was there with some of the guys or something but when I turned the corner, I saw that he wasn’t talking at all.
He had Deidre pushed up against the side of the building and was kissing her. His hand drifted up her skirt to places I didn’t want to think about. She opened her eyes and when she saw me. She pulled back and smiled.
“Baby, what if someone catches us?” she asked him sweetly.
“We won’t get caught,” he murmured against her lips and hoisted her skirt higher. “That’s why we always do this here, because no one else ever comes over here. Now, be quiet and-”
I gasped and covered my mouth in disgust. He heard. He dropped her and turned to me shocked.
“What the hell are you doing way over here, Clara?” he asked and tried to straighten his clothes.
“You texted me,” I said incredulously. “Why would you text me so I would find you like this?”
“I didn’t text you. Clara …” he started, but I backed away.
“Oh, Tate, here you go. You left this in my car … earlier,” Dee said happily and twiddled his phone in her fingers before giving it to him.
“You?” he asked and it all fell into place. “You texted her so she’d find us? Why?”
“Because I’m tired of being your little secret. If she won’t give it up for you, fine, date me instead and solve that problem, but you can’t have it both ways.” She looked at me and smiled her best winning smile. “I got him after all, didn’t I?”
Tate turned to look at me. He was angry and upset and sorry all at the same time. And none of it mattered.
“Clara, please … I never meant to hurt you, I just … I needed some … release with all the stress in my life and you weren’t there for me in that way so I just … This hasn’t been going on that long, just the past couple weeks,” he stammered and ran his hands through his hair, like he knew it was hopeless. “It meant nothing,” he told me in a groan and Dee huffed.
“You can’t justify what you did,” I argued. “If we ever had a chance of getting back together, that’s gone now.”
“Clara, no. Please! Babe, I’m begging you,” he called, but I took off running toward the parking lot. “Stop! Wait!”
Angry tears dripped down my face. All this time they’d both been going behind my back. Dee was getting back at me and Tate was using her and she didn’t even care as long as I suffered for it.
I wiped my face as the last of the people climbed into their cars. I saw Patrick getting into his old yellow VW bug with his friends and he saw me. He stopped the door in mid swing as he opened it and peered at me, clearly seeing me crying. I sniffled and turned to make my way to the street. One quick look back showed he’d made the decision to just go and not worry about me.
As I reached the sidewalk and stopped for traffic, I felt someone behind me. I could tell it was Eli. I wasn’t sure how I always knew, but I did, without a doubt.
“You were right about Tate,” I said without turning and tried to ease the strain from my words. “He had no intentions of not hurting me anymore. Tate and Dee have been making a fool out of me. I got what I deserved. I hope you’re happy.”
I started to cross the four lane, but he pulled me to a stop with a hand on my arm. “Now why would I be happy about that?”
I refused to look at him. I stared down at the black Chuck Taylors he was wearing.
“Because I’m a horrible person. I’m a brat, a tease, a sheep. I’m a bad person who lets bad things happen. You said so yourself.” I tried to cross the street again, but he stopped me once more with a grasp to my fingers. I huffed and turned to look at him, my voice raising to a yell. “What! What do you want? I can’t handle anymore lectures tonight, ok. I can’t handle anymore disappointment. Just leave me alone,” I finished softly and tried one last time to leave his grasp, but this time when he pulled me back, he pulled me to him.
I felt the warmth of his chest and it felt so much like I belonged there; like it was home. He lifted my chin with his finger, his forearm around my back, and looked at me intensely. “You are not a bad person and you don’t deserve this.”
“Yes, I do!” I sniffed and felt more tears glide down to my jaw.
He wiped one away with his thumb. “You’re better than them, Clara. You don’t have to follow them just because that’s what you’ve always done. Sometimes, you have to make up your own mind about what’s right.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even … belong here anymore.”
“Because Tate cheated on you? He doesn’t define you, Clara.”
“It’s not just Tate. It’s everything. I’m only involved in Spirit Squad because my mom wanted me to be. My dad was ecstatic I was dating Tate; the wrestling star and the Mayor’s son. I felt obligated to my parents to continue to be who I was when they were alive. But I’m not happy,” I cried harder.