Dispersion

by Robin Berkstresser

  “Sure,” I say. She immediately lights up with excitement. “I’ll be out there as soon as Allison gets back.”

  “Perfect.” She skips ahead through the hallway. “I’m going to go change. Make sure to dress properly.”

  “How does one dress for football?” I ask, but the only response is her laughter as she runs ahead.

  As she passes the corner, she almost runs into Jerry. He glares at her as she passes and mutters to himself. When he spots me, his expression softens as he waves.

  I bite back my own laughter at his response. Even though she’s lived here her entire life, it doesn’t seem like Leah has ever understood how to fit in. Or, maybe she has, yet she chooses to stand out.

  Knowing the hallways now, it’s not as confusing as the first day Isaac showed us to our rooms. I easily navigate the various turns as I focus on the game of football that I agreed to play. It appears simple enough, but I’m sure I’ll have problems with it. Throughout every sport or physical activity back in Potentia, I always lagged behind.

  When I knock on the door, there’s no answer. Right before I’m about to knock again, Jess opens the door, looking confused and still in her casual clothes.

  “You’re here early,” she says.

  I glance at the clock in the corner of the room. Even with the conversation with Leah, I’m still almost an hour earlier than I normally am.

  “I can come back if you want,” I say, staying in the hallway.

  “Don’t be silly.” She opens the door wider. “Josie is sleeping in her crib in their room right now. If we’re quiet, she may sleep all the way through your watch. Lucky her, I wish I could nap.”

  I go inside and sit on the couch. “I could use a little bit of rest myself. It was a long day at work.”

  A smile—the one that I’ve missed so much—plays at her lips as she glances meaningfully at the clock while she remains standing. “Was it?”

  I rub my face, feeling my newly grown beard, and laugh lightly. “Fair enough.”

  We make eye contact. She furrows her brown eyes in concentration. With the lighting in the room, her freckles stand out across her nose. I want to walk up to her, take her in my arms, kiss her, and reclaim her as a part of me.

  Her eyebrows flicker upward. She turns away and says, “I’m going to finish getting ready.”

  “Sure,” I mutter and stare at my hands. What did she see in my expression? Am I that much of an open book that she can tell everything I’m thinking?

  I can’t apologize for wanting to be with her. I can’t turn that part of me off no matter how much she wants me to.

  Her door reopens and she walks out, wearing light green scrubs. They’re ill-fitting and hide her figure.

  “Since you’re here early, I’m going to head down and see if they need me.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say, trying to ignore that I drove her away—yet again.

  She leaves the room without saying anything else. We’ve probably only seen each other about an hour total in this last month. I still want us to be together again. I doubt any amount of time will ever change that.

  Relationships are supposed to be two people, working together to make it work. Shouldn’t I get a say in whether we should be together or not? My voice in the matter was snuffed out the moment I took her to my brother and let him abuse her. After what I did, maybe I don’t deserve her.

  I rub my forehead, trying to get rid of the headache that’s threatening. I lean back against the couch and fall into an uneasy slumber until Allison returns.

  “Are you ever not sleeping?” she asks. It seems like she finds me napping this way almost every day unless Josie is being fussy.

  I rub my eyes to fully wake up. “I needed to conserve my energy for this evening.”

  “What are you going to do?” Allison asks.

  “Leah invited me to go play some game called football with her group of friends. I’m meeting them out on the west field.”

  “You’ve been talking about Leah a lot,” Allison says as she carefully watches my expression.

  I try to keep it neutral. “We’re friends. You’d like her. She’s short like you.”

  “Oh?” She smirks as she goes into her room to check on Josie, who is somehow still sleeping. “She sounds lovely then.”

  “You can come out, too—if you’d like. You could bring Josie out and watch us play,” I say. I feel guilty for leaving her though there is no reason why I should.

  She shakes her free hand in the air. “No, you go have fun, Elliot. It’s been a long day, and I would prefer to relax.”

  “Okay. Next time, then?” I ask as I walk toward the door.

  “Maybe. Be careful, Elliot,” she says as I leave the room.

  While it is nice to have the safety of four walls, I miss the feeling of the sun beating down and the fresh air. I’m excited to get outside and out of the compound—even if it’s only for a couple of hours.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Wearing what I hope is appropriate for a sport I’ve never heard of before, I walk out to the west field in a plain white T-shirt, loose shorts, and some athletic shoes. There are definitely some odd things about Veritas, and it’s been an adjustment so far compared to life in the territories, but their clothing options are a lot comfier and more casual. People here aren’t automatically labeled for what they do based on what outfit they’re wearing. It’s nice.

  The sun is still high in the sky, though it’s beginning to set. I blink as I adjust to the light.

  I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed being outside.

  Several figures are running down the field, the sun making it hard to distinguish any specific characteristics. I wish I had been able to convince Allison to come down with me. It’s awkward trying to join a group when I only know one person. Do they even know I’m coming?

  The figures break free from the invisible line they were all standing by and run toward the north where there are cones laid out in the distance. A tall figure throws the ball, creating a shadow in the sky, and it falls into the arms of a smaller figure about five yards ahead of him.

  The figure takes two steps before someone else comes and places two hands on her. Without anything else, the play stops.

  “That’s a first down,” a deep voice I don’t recognize declares.

  They all move closer to where the person with the ball stopped and look to the sideline where another cone is marking some spot.

  “Barely,” Leah’s familiar voice says begrudgingly.

  “Hi everyone,” I say. They turn their attention my way.

  “Eli’s here!” Leah calls out.

  I wave and hope I don’t look as awkward as I feel.

  She laughs. “Stop standing there and looking so weird. Come join us.”

  Guess not. Count on Leah to call me out like that.

  The taller man who threw the ball earlier eyes my size appraisingly. “Leah said you were tall, but she’s so short that didn’t mean much coming from her,” he says as he rubs his stubble.

  Everyone, including Leah, bursts out laughing as she playfully punches him in the arm. I smile along. Everyone is here to have a good time. There doesn’t seem to be any underlying motive.

  “I’m Thomas, by the way.” He sticks his hand out.

  “Elliot,” I say as I shake his hand, recognizing him as someone who helped direct me through the maze of hallways during my first week here.

  Thomas brushes his dark, shaggy hair out his face. “We’re down one person so we’ll take you on our team. We could use the help.”

  “I’m not sure how much help I’ll be,” I say. “I’ve never played football before.”

  The person standing next to Thomas, pipes in. “Can you run?”

  I shift my attention to him and back to Thomas. They must be related, though he’s a couple of inches shorter and a few years younger. They both have the same piercing green eyes.

  “If I have to,” I admit, thinking of the ti
me Jess and I were sprinting from the large group of the Letum before Matt and Allison rescued us.

  Leah bites back her laughter. “He’ll be fine,” she says. “He’s being modest. You know, trying to trick the other team into thinking he’s not a threat.”

  The other team, who all are—refreshingly—very diverse, eye me in judgment as if they’re trying to guess how fast I’ll be. Even though I’ve been judged on my physical shape my entire life and I’m used to it, it’s always been on the negative side. Out here, away from all the strict genetic planning, the quick judgment is favorable. It’s strange.

  “Eli, you must be wondering who the hell everyone is,” Leah says. “Let’s get the introductions out of the way so we can play.”

  The younger version of Thomas—who can’t be more than sixteen or seventeen—sticks his hand out for me to shake. “I’m Jordan,” he says.

  The shortest male there, only beating Leah by a couple of inches says, “Zach.”

  “Peter,” the figure closest to me says, his eyes open and kind.

  To his other side, a balding, squirrely looking man introduces himself. “I’m Simon.”

  “On the other team, you have Nathan, Clement, Isaac, Abby, and Mary,” Leah says quickly as she gestures impatiently toward each person.

  “Nice to meet you all,” I say, already forgetting almost everyone’s names. Isaac smiles his familiar, good-natured grin.

  Thomas claps his hands together. “Let’s get started.”

  Both sides get together in loose huddles. Leah gestures me over, so I squeeze in with her group.

  “Okay, let’s take back control of the game,” Thomas says, clearly the leader of the team. “Now that we have Elliot here, we can play man-to-man instead of zone. Let’s play a tight defense.”

  Everyone murmurs in agreement.

  “What do you want me to do?” I ask.

  “Don’t let Isaac catch the ball,” Thomas instructs.

  “Right.” I roll my shoulders back in anticipation. This is going to be fun.

  “One more thing, Elliot,” Thomas says. “You can’t touch him unless he has the ball. Otherwise, it’s interference.”

  “He’s ready,” Leah says. “Stop micromanaging our team.”

  Thomas raises his eyebrows but bites back his response.

  We spread out across the field. I line up with Isaac on the other side. I’m not sure what to expect, but everyone is having fun.

  “Hike,” a man from the other team calls out—either Nathan or Clement—and sets the play in motion.

  Isaac kicks forward and sprints down the field. Because I wasn’t expecting his quick takeoff, he gets a head start on me.

  I turn my body and run after him. Leah sprints next to me, chasing after one of the other girls.

  Isaac got past me initially, but I’m faster and quickly close the gap between us. His eyes dart up and follow the motion of something. I turn my head in time to see the football flying in the air toward us. With the height advantage I have over Isaac, I throw my hands up and bat the ball down.

  It spikes against the ground. From next to me, Isaac cusses. My eyebrows shoot up at the language in this religious society.

  “Good D,” Jordan says.

  I’m not sure what he means, but his enthusiasm suggests he’s complimenting me. “Thanks,” I say.

  Leah catches up and pats my back. “Nicely done!”

  “What’s a D?” I whisper to Leah.

  She shakes her head in suppressed laughter. “Sometimes, I forget that you’re not from here—then you ask something like that and make it so obvious. He was complimenting your defense by not allowing Isaac to catch the ball.”

  “Oh,” I say and return Jordan’s carefree grin. “What now?”

  “Now we do it again,” Leah says and runs back to the original starting point.

  “Man, I thought I had you for a second,” Isaac says as we jog back together. “You’re pretty quick. Leah was right about that.”

  He pats my back and runs toward his team’s huddle.

  Still smiling, I rejoin the rest of my team.

  “Same thing?” Jordan asks his older brother.

  “Worked last time. Good job, Elliot,” Thomas says as he tilts his head in my direction.

  “Beginner’s luck,” I say. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  Peter says, “Natural athleticism and hand-eye coordination will take you a long way.”

  I open my mouth to argue with him and close it. Huh.

  “Let’s get them again,” Thomas says and claps his hands together.

  I take the same spot on the line. When they hike the ball, I’m ready. I don’t let Isaac get his jump start and keep him covered. This time when they throw the ball, it’s aimed at the girl Leah is guarding.

  Because this play is on the other side of the field, Isaac stops moving to watch. The two of us stare at the ball as it falls short of its target. Leah somehow manages to duck under and catch it.

  Isaac cusses again, though he laughs instantly. “Looking at her, you don’t expect it, but she always manages to make plays like that.”

  “She’s something else,” I admit as she jumps up and cheers. Thomas runs and picks her up in celebration.

  “She is,” Isaac agrees. His tone is more serious, causing me to shift my attention back to him. “We’re all protective of her. We don’t want her getting hurt.”

  My eyebrows rise at the implication of his statement. “You don’t have to worry about me,” I say as I redirect my attention to her.

  “You sure about that?” Isaac asks.

  Before I can respond, he runs back to his team and joins them in their huddle.

  I’ve never considered myself athletic or fit. Quite the opposite in fact, but I now realize that it’s all relative. Playing football with everyone from Veritas, my athleticism stands out. Next to Dominic or someone else Planned, I’m completely inferior physically.

  That must be because while I’m Unplanned, both of my parents were Planned—and their parents before them—so the genetics were in my favor. At least I was Unplanned in the generation that created the Letum.

  -----

  We huddle as we choose our next play almost an hour later, all five of us breathing heavily in the close circle. The light is fading. We’re in a hurry to get as much play in as we can. I can’t get rid of my grin; it’s nice fitting into a group. And running for something other than my life is a nice change of pace, too.

  “If I throw it out to you on the right side, do you think you’ll be able to run past them?” Thomas asks me as he wipes the sweat away.

  I pop my head out from our huddle and eye the distance. We’re probably about fifty yards away from the end zone. They’ve been playing man-to-man and so far, I’ve been able to outrun Isaac.

  “Of course he can,” Leah pipes in for me, her voice, filled with excitement. “Have you been watching him out there? He’s killing it.”

  I smile at her confidence. “I got it,” I say.

  Thomas claps his hands. “Okay, Zach, I’ll fake it to you on the left side and then throw it over to Elliot.”

  “I’ll be with Eli to block for him if I need to,” Leah adds.

  Thomas and I both eye her small height and laugh.

  “You’re going to block for me?” I ask.

  With a giant grin, Leah shrugs and nudges me in the side. “Anything’s possible, right?”

  I look around at the group of people—though I guess I could call them my friends now—who have accepted me. Meanwhile, my mother and grandparents are buried in the dirt thousands of miles away.

  Anything is possible.

  “Let’s do this,” Isaac calls out from the other team, snapping my attention back to the game. I want to win. Even his typical easygoing nature has been overshadowed by his competitive edge.

  I run off the right side and stand at the line of scrimmage. Leah follows and stands about five feet to my left.

  Thomas snaps
the ball as I dig into the ground to get a good jump start.

  After three long strides, Thomas executes our plan and gestures like he’s going to throw to Zach. When Isaac takes the bait and reacts, Thomas jerks his body toward me and throws the ball.

  The ball wobbles slightly in the air, making it harder to catch, but I still clutch it in my arms. I take off toward the end zone.

  Even though there’s no defensive player around who can catch me, Leah runs with me all the way as we break away and score. I get to the end zone about ten yards before Leah reaches me.

  Even from this far away, Thomas’s cheers of celebration are easily heard and echo louder than the groans coming from the other team.

  We cross the cones and hunch over as I try and catch my breath. Right next to me, Leah is doing the same thing. Even though I’m apparently in pretty decent shape, sprinting fifty yards is still a lot of work, especially after spending so much time indoors recently.

  “Good job, Eli,” Leah says through shallow breaths.

  I hand her the football. “You didn’t have to run all the way with me.”

  She raises her eyebrows and tilts her head. “I take my job seriously. I promised I would block for you, didn’t I?”

  I gesture around to point out the lack of opponents next to us. “I’m not sure how I would have made it here without you.”

  “That’s all I’m saying.”

  Leah tosses the football back to me and starts to walk back toward the rest of the players. Once we broke away, everyone on the other team gave up and—smartly—saved their breath and energy for the next play.

  “Are you having fun?” she asks as we walk back.

  I play with the football in my hands. “I am.”

  She leans in and hits me playfully with her shoulder. “Why do you seem so surprised? That’s insulting. I told you that you would like everyone.”

  I shrug and don’t respond. How do I tell her that this is everything I’ve wanted and feared? I’ve waited my whole life to be accepted into the community but worried what it might cost me. Their morals and sense of righteousness may not be the same of those back in the territories, but they can still be extreme.

  “Hurry and bring the ball back. It’s going to get dark soon,” Zach calls out, causing us to lengthen our strides.