Dispersion

by Robin Berkstresser

  The door slowly creaks open. I grab it and force it open the rest of the way. Angry tears fall down Dominic’s face. He’s not even trying to hide or wipe them away. The only other time I saw him cry was right before we fled Potentia when the infection started.

  “Who am I?” he asks, voice barely audible.

  I sit down next to him, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “My whole life, I’ve believed that my genetic engineering made me a superior individual, so I could contribute positively to society as much as possible. I was born, predestined to do great things. One day, I knew I would have my own children and their genetics would push them to be even better. I was supposed to be a leader of our society.” He laughs bitterly. “Now, who am I?” He repeats his earlier question. “None of that’s relevant anymore.”

  “Life hasn’t exactly worked out the way either of us planned, has it?” I ask, hating him even more for forcing me to comfort him. His instability threatens all of us.

  “This infection and destruction of society have worked out a lot better for you, little brother,” he mutters.

  I rub my forehead and try to figure out what to say. For the most part, I’ve benefited substantially from the collapse of the social hierarchy. How do I comfort someone who pushed me down my entire life and is now so upset that he’s lost his presumed superiority? Does someone like him even deserve to be comforted?

  The desperation in his eyes reminds me of a hurt, wild animal. You can’t safely help a wild animal. It won’t understand what you’re doing and could end up lashing out. Sometimes, it’s best to put them out of their misery.

  If Mother were here, she would be so disappointed in me. No matter what Dominic had done in the past, she always wanted us to act like true brothers. After what he did to Jess, I can’t do that.

  I let out a deep breath and squeeze Dominic’s shoulder, pretending to care. Whether I like it or not, he’s coming back with us to Potentia, and if he remains so unhinged, someone is going to get hurt—maybe even killed.

  “Your life isn’t over yet, Dominic. There’s still plenty of time for you to discover your true purpose. Not the one you think you were born or predestined for, but the one that you choose.”

  His wide eyes scan my face. “Do you think that?”

  “I do,” I say, omitting the fact that I think his actions have damned him. There’s no forgiving him anymore—no coming back from the atrocities he’s committed.

  Dominic continues to search my expression intently. I maintain his gaze, hoping I’m not as much of an open book anymore.

  He lets out a deep breath.

  “We’re leaving tomorrow morning, and I need you to be well prepared and rested,” I continue. “I don’t know who all Silas is sending with us, but I suspect we’ll be going with his most loyal followers. If we’re going to stay a step ahead of them, you’re going to need to be at your best.”

  “Is that an order?”

  My tone softens. “No, Dominic. It’s a request.”

  “I’ll be ready in the morning. I won’t get into any trouble until then. You can go.”

  I leave my brother, and without thinking of where I’m going, I walk to the other side of the compound. Even though there’s a lot to do, I need to tell Jess what’s going on.

  I knock lightly on their door, hoping she’s in there.

  When she opens it, I enter the living area and close the door behind me. Keeping my voice low, I say, “We’re leaving tomorrow morning to go back to Potentia to retrieve the technology.”

  “You’re leaving so soon?”

  “Jess, we’re leaving tomorrow. All of us are going on the mission.”

  Her body relaxes slightly. “Even Allison and Josie?”

  “I’m not letting us get separated.”

  Though she seemed relieved that I’m not leaving her tomorrow, there is still this film of tension radiating off of her. I want to ease her mind and help her relax. There’s no reason why both of us should worry so much.

  I grab her hand and squeeze. “It’ll all work out. We’ll get them the technology and Dominic will show them how to use it. Once we’re done with that, we don’t have to stay anymore. We can go away.”

  She laughs humorlessly. “Where would we go?”

  I let out a deep breath and shrug. “We have time to figure that out.”

  “Do you think we should give them that technology? Do you trust them?” Her eyes skim my face, reading my expression.

  “Not at all,” I say.

  She lets go of my hand and sits down on the couch. “Then why would you give it to them?” she asks in a frustrated whisper. “Haven’t you seen what they’re capable of?”

  I sit next to her, placing one hand on the top of her thigh. “We don’t have a choice, Jess.”

  “There’s always a choice,” she fires back.

  I look away for a moment. “Not one I was willing to accept.”

  She lightly places her hand on my chin and turns me to face her. “What did they threaten?”

  I shake my head, not wanting to worry her anymore.

  She narrows her eyes.

  “Who did they threaten?”

  Whatever she sees in my expression is answer enough for her. She drops her hand and stares angrily at the floor. I remove my hand from her thigh.

  “Why is everybody so terrible? How come every place we go, people are trying to harm us? It doesn’t make sense. We’re all wired the same, yet you don’t see me running around attacking anyone who is different.”

  There’s no benefit from this chain of thought. We can’t do anything to change human nature.

  “I need to go gather up supplies and the crew. Please stay safe today.”

  “You be careful, too. I can’t wait to get out of here,” she says and lets out a deep breath. “If you can, please come say good night before you go to bed.”

  -----

  After a long day of getting everything ready for tomorrow, I walk through the dark, quiet hallways. Everyone has long gone to sleep and I want to do the same. There’s only one last thing to do.

  Careful not to wake Josie, I lightly knock on Allison and Jess’s door.

  “Who’s there?” Jess asks in a sleepy voice.

  “It’s me, Elliot.”

  The dead bolt clicks back out and she opens the door. Her hair is up in a messy bun, but she’s still alert as she scans my face.

  “What took you so long?” she asks as she gestures for me to come into their suite.

  “I wanted to say good night.” Suddenly, I feel guilty for waking her so I could see her face again, even though she requested it. “I’m sorry to wake you.”

  She covers her mouth as she tries to hide her yawn. When she recovers, she chuckles lightly. “That’s fine. I’m glad you did. I asked you to.”

  “You should go back to bed. Silas has instructed his men to get all of the supplies ready by morning, but we still have a long day tomorrow.” I pause. “We’re going to have a lot of long days coming up.”

  Wordlessly, she nods.

  I kiss her forehead and stand up from the couch. My hand is reaching for the door when her voice stops me.

  “It’s late. You don’t have to go tonight.”

  I slowly turn back around. “Are you sure? It’s only a short walk back.”

  Instead of replying, she opens the door to her room and gestures for me to join her.

  I hesitate and stay by the front door.

  “Are you coming?” she asks.

  I walk across the living area and peek into her room. Her bed isn’t as big as the one we shared at Matt’s parents’ vacation home, but the two of us will fit if we’re close enough. I smile, but the grin leaves at the thought of what Dominic did to her.

  Jess stares at me in her doorway, indecision covering her features.

  “I can leave, Jess,” I say. “I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”
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  She lets out a deep breath and relaxes her expression. “I want you to stay.”

  I remain in the doorway.

  “Please,” she whispers.

  Making up my mind, I close the door and walk over to her. She smiles tenderly and rubs my chin.

  Her guard is down and she lets me in. Past the fear and apprehension, desire fights its way to the surface. I pause, waiting to follow her lead.

  She bites her lip and raises her eyebrows in invitation.

  I turn off the lights and take it. Our lips touch tentatively, both of us trying to navigate this new change in our relationship. We’re resetting the boundaries, testing to see if we can get past my brother’s abuse.

  Jess lets out a small moan and rubs one of her hands through my hair, with the other resting firmly against my chest.

  I push her back against the wall and take off my shirt. I pull hers up and she leans back to let me finish. The AC chills my skin initially, but the heat of her body quickly warms me back up.

  My hands wander down her back, marveling at how amazing she feels. I pick her up and lay her on the bed. Staying on top of her, I nudge her head back and kiss her neck.

  Her entire body tenses.

  “What ha—” I back off and sit next to her.

  “I’m sorry, Elliot,” Jess cries out. “I can’t.”

  She sits up and throws her head in her hands as she shakes with suppressed sobbing.

  Tentatively, I rub her bare back. She freezes.

  I curse myself for moving too quickly. Just because I’m ready for something doesn’t mean she is.

  “It’s okay. We don’t have to do anything. I’ll be happy to lie here with you and hold you.”

  In the darkness, I can’t see anything but the basic motions of her body.

  “I’m sorry,” she repeats.

  “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”

  Continuing to face me, she lies back down. I place one hand on her cheek and use my thumb to gently wipe her tears away.

  “It’s not that I don’t want to, Elliot. I promise I do. It’s…” She hiccups. “I’m not here with you anymore. I’m back with him. It’s not you touching me. It’s him.”

  He should have no place in our relationship, yet here he is again, slinking back in.

  “I’ll be right back,” I say.

  I get out of bed and walk toward the door.

  “Where are—”

  I flip the light switch and the darkness evaporates from the room. Callie startles on the floor and moans as she readjusts to go back to sleep.

  “It’s worse in the dark, isn’t it?” I ask as I get back into bed.

  Jess nods, her face blotchy from her recent tears.

  “We can keep the light on all night if it makes it better for you.”

  “How are we going to sleep?” she asks.

  “We’ll close our eyes. And if you wake up, you’ll be able to see that I’m here with you. You won’t wake up wondering.”

  “You don’t mind?”

  I push an escaped strand of long, curly hair behind her ear. “As long as I’m with you, I couldn’t care less about the light.”

  She holds my hand and squeezes it.

  “I still don’t know if I can yet,” she mutters.

  “Come here, Jess,” I say.

  She scoots closer, and I bring her to my chest, breathing in the scent of her.

  I hold her and promise, “Everything is going to be okay.”

  Her hand rests across my back, keeping me close to her. As time passes, her body relaxes and becomes a steady warmth against mine. Without her shirt to hide her stomach, it protrudes slightly more than it used to.

  I stare down at it, wondering what kind of future I can promise the child.

  Even though I should go to sleep soon, I fight to stay awake. I’ve wanted to hold her like this for so long, and I finally can. I’m not entirely sure what the future holds for us. We’re going to be traveling with a large group, and there’s no guarantee of any sort of privacy. I’ll gladly sacrifice sleep for this.

  Though her breathing has been slowing down, it suddenly picks back up. Her heart beats quickly against my chest.

  I blink at the attack of the light.

  “Jess?”

  She lets out a quick intake of breath. “I need this. I need you.”

  Jess places my hand on her heart, a reminder of our first night together when she did the same thing. “Why?”

  “I need to remember what it’s like when it’s a good thing.”

  I shift back, dangerously close to the edge of the bed.

  “It doesn’t have to be tonight,” I respond.

  She smiles ruefully. “You can’t promise there will be another opportunity. We’re going back into dangerous territory. If anything happens—”

  “Nothing’s going to happen,” I automatically say.

  “Please,” she whispers and grabs my hand.

  As always, she overrides any objections I have. If there’s anything I can do for her, I’m going to do it.

  I stare into her eyes, waiting for her to confirm this is what she wants. She nods and I rotate over her and cup her face.

  Right before our lips touch, she says, “I think…”

  I pull back. “What do you need from me?”

  “Let me control the pace. Is that okay?” She bites her lip again in apprehension.

  “Whatever you need from me, I’ll do it. If you want to stop, we’ll stop. If you want to keep going, that’s in your control.”

  She lets out another deep breath and pushes me back so I’m on my back. Leaning over, she lets her hair down and it tickles my chest.

  “I love you,” she says.

  I tuck her hair behind her ear to see her face clearly. “I know you do.”

  “Be gentle.”

  “Jess, I’ll be anything you want me to be. Talk to me and let me know how it is for you, okay? We can stop at any time. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You’re in absolute, complete control.”

  She closes the gap between us.

  -----

  A knock breaks through my sleep and brings me back to reality.

  “It’s time to wake up,” Allison calls out as the door opens.

  Jess is a steady pressure in my arms, both of us facing the wall opposite the door.

  I turn my head to find Allison smirking with Josie in her arms, staring happily down at us.

  Jess moans and rubs her face. “What time is it?”

  “Late night?” she asks, still unable to get rid of the knowing smile on her face.

  Keeping the sheets above her chest, Jess asks again, “What time is it?”

  “It’s a bit after six. Dominic’s already been here to make sure we were awake.”

  I jerk upward, exposing my scar. Is he in the living room?

  “I didn’t know you were here, Elliot, so he’s off trying to find you,” Allison answers my unspoken question.

  Beside me, Jess loosens her firm grip on the sheets and I lie back down.

  “All of us need to finish packing up the necessities. Dominic said we’re expected to leave by eight.”

  “Uh…” I mutter and gesture toward the blanket that’s keeping us decent.

  Allison laughs and closes the door behind her.

  I start to get out of the bed, but Jess’s hand on my chest stops me.

  “I never thought I would willingly go back to Potentia,” she says so quietly I almost miss it.

  I face her, trying to figure out what the best response is. I don’t want to promise her something I can’t follow through on. At the same time, I can’t downplay the danger of what we’re getting into. She’ll see right through the lie.

  Her hand rubs down my chest.

  “I know we have to go soon, but do you think we have time…”

  Jess’s hand goes lower, and I jerk in surprise as it passes my stomach.

  “Jess?”

  “I don�
�t know when we’ll get another chance.” She drops her eyes. “I want this with you again. When we get back there, I want to have as many memories with you as possible to help overshadow all the rest.”

  I focus all my energy on thinking coherently.

  “Is this what you want? Not something you think you should do, but something you want?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  “Then I’m all yours.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Wanting to get one last moment of peace before whatever the future will bring, we go to the roof to watch the sun rise.

  Jess walks over to the edge and leans forward to rest against the boundary. The breeze flirts with her hair and moves it gently in the wind.

  I place my arm around her. She shifts her weight and leans into my body, her head resting against my chest. As we watch the sun rise, she lightly hums under her breath. The light overcomes some of night’s shadows.

  No matter what the future holds, we’ll face our demons together. I don’t need a religious ceremony to confirm what I already know.

  “Are you ready?” she asks.

  I let out a deep breath. All of the pressure of trying to fit in here goes out. When I breathe in, the space that’s left behind is taken up with the responsibility of leading the group back to Potentia.

  “Yes,” I say. “Let’s go get one last good meal.”

  My stomach rumbles in reaction. She playfully pokes my side. “Sounds like you need one.”

  I smile at her, amazed at how quickly we fit back together. I can make it alone and I’m strong enough to do it—and she’s able to as well—but we’re so much better together.

  We rejoin the rest of the compound, though their stares don’t bother me as much anymore. I’ll be leaving them all soon. When we first got here, Isaac said this place wasn’t for everyone and he was right. I’m not ashamed that I don’t fit in here.

  Once the fog lifted and I saw this place for what it truly is, I had no reason to want to stay anymore. It’s another offspring of the territories with some different characteristics, though deep down, the motive is still the same: power.

  In line, I request pancakes as a reminder of my first meal here. Jess gets the same, and we go to our table in the corner of the room.

  We eat in silence, my thoughts on what’s coming—what it means to go back to Potentia. When I’m almost done with my meal, there’s a tentative tap on my shoulder. I turn away from my breakfast to find Leah staring at me in a panic.