Risking It All

by Stephanie Harte

  ‘So if you’re not addicted, why do you keep going back?’

  Nathan shrugged his shoulders. ‘It’s fun. I love the rush I get from it.’ He stretched out his long legs, got to his feet and stood in front of me. Reaching out, he curled his fingers around mine. ‘I’m sorry, Gem, I didn’t mean to lose more money. I just got carried away…’

  I couldn’t believe he’d just said that. Pulling my hands away, I crossed my arms over my chest. He was completely unable to control his impulsive behaviour. ‘You never think about the impact your actions will have, do you?’

  Nathan looked at me from under his thick dark lashes. ‘I thought I could win some cash, and that would have solved our financial problems.’

  His words had a hollow ring to them; he’d said them so many times before. In order to achieve his goal of financial stability, Nathan had always taken big risks. But unfortunately, his desperation to succeed was stronger than his fear of failure.

  ‘But you didn’t win any, did you? The deck is always stacked against you. If you don’t admit you’ve got a problem, you’ll never be able to break the cycle.’ I put my hands on my hips and glared at him as fury bubbled under the surface of my skin.

  ‘You know I’ve never been good at talking about my problems.’ Nathan stared at me with a thoughtful look on his face as he contemplated my words.

  ‘That’s a cop-out, Nathan, and you know it.’ I bit down on my lip, while I considered what to say next.

  I was tempted to tell him about the visit Alfie had paid me while I was alone in our bedroom in Nice. If he’d realised what I’d been through, while he was out spending money we didn’t have, he might feel guilty. Maybe then he’d give up gambling for good. But realistically, I knew that was never going to happen. I couldn’t compete with the lure of the casino.

  Nathan knew nothing about the events of that night. But they played over and over on a continuous loop in my head. Although I wanted him to know, I wouldn’t risk telling him. I couldn’t afford for him to fly into a jealous rage and get into a fight with Alfie. The man was an unpredictable psycho, and who knew what he would do to us if we crossed him?

  ‘I know I’ve got a problem and my gambling has caused us a lot of grief, so I’ll try and give it up.’

  Although Nathan had finally admitted what I already knew, his words were too little and had come too late. I picked up my bag and headed towards the door. ‘I’m going out. Don’t wait up,’ I called over my shoulder as Nathan bowed his head and retreated into his own world.

  47

  Nathan

  I was consumed by guilt for getting us into financial trouble. I’d been so stressed out recently, I was close to breaking point. Being in debt was a complete nightmare. It was something that haunted me and kept me awake at night. Alfie was playing a game that I could never win because the rules kept changing. He was making them up as he went along and I had no control over that.

  I’d hated growing up poor. It was a miserable existence. My desire to be rich drove me to take risks. But if I didn’t sort myself out, there was a very good chance I would lose the most important person in my life. I didn’t want to face the future without Gemma by my side.

  Why couldn’t I stop being reckless with money? I wasn’t sure I knew the answer. It was a bad habit, and habits can be hard to break. It didn’t help that I was an adrenaline junkie, so I guess I was hooked on the thrill I got from it.

  Gemma had told me before that she thought my impulsiveness was a defence mechanism. It was my way of venting the hurt and anger I felt as a result of my dad leaving. Maybe she was right. Perhaps I used gambling as a form of escapism, to get away from a situation I didn’t like, instead of facing the issue head-on.

  I knew I hid my true feelings and made out I wasn’t bothered that my dad wasn’t in my life, but I did that to cover up the insecurity it had left me with. Having said that, I was never tempted to find my father. His rejection led me to see him in a negative light. It affected my self-esteem. I resented him for not wanting to stick around and be a part of my life, and I was scared that if I tried to make contact with him, he might reject me for a second time. I wouldn’t put myself through that. I’d toughened my exterior to protect myself from being hurt. It was a challenge for anyone to try and break down my barriers. But Gemma had succeeded, and I sometimes thought she knew me better than I knew myself.

  What had I done? I’d pushed her so far this time that she’d turned her back on me. I’d have some serious grovelling to do if I was going to get her back onside. I’d always convinced myself that Only Child Syndrome was a myth even though the facts were glaring me in the face. I was selfish, attention-seeking and always wanted my own way. How the hell did Gemma put up with me? The woman deserved a medal.

  I needed to quit gambling before it cost me everything. I’d have to learn to divert my desire for excitement in a different direction. But breaking the cycle was going to be very challenging. It was going to be embarrassing to admit I had a problem, but if I wanted to save my marriage, I’d have to do it.

  48

  Gemma

  The Blue Gin Bar, as its name would suggest had a sophisticated all-blue interior, and served seventeen different types of gin. As it was located on the ground floor of our hotel, it seemed the obvious place for me to go. After looking at the drinks list, I decided to order a Flower Bubble. The menu promised the cocktail would take me on a journey of the senses. I hoped it was right.

  The bartender added Hendrick’s Gin, Grand Marnier, elderberry syrup and lime cordial to a shaker filled with ice. He shook the metal container vigorously in front of me while I watched mesmerised. Then he poured my drink into a Martini glass, topped it up with champagne and added an orange twist before handing it to me.

  After walking away from the bar, I sank down in one of the plush blue velvet chairs facing the water and took a sip of the cocktail. It was divine. As I swallowed my drink, my eyes were drawn towards the twinkling lights of the boats moored in the distance. They reflected on the water like stars in a dark sky. I couldn’t help noticing that even at this time of night, the view across the Mediterranean was stunning. I’d love nothing more than to be sailing away on one of those yachts right now; then I could leave all of this behind me, I thought as I stared out to sea.

  Nathan’s behaviour was draining. It was frustrating because the terrible decisions he made affected both of us. Failure to achieve financial success and his father’s rejection had delivered a devastating blow to his confidence. He’d found it hard to overcome his inner critic. I understood that, and I had tried to support my husband through all of it. But Nathan struggled to shake off the feeling that he didn’t deserve to find lasting love. He was scared I would inevitably leave him. I’d always promised myself I’d never do that, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I could put up with things the way they were. Something needed to change.

  ‘Gemma, what are you doing here?’

  The sound of Alfie’s voice behind me made me jump and brought me back to my surroundings. I dragged my eyes away from the yachts and turned to face him. I looked him in the eye, and my chest began pounding.

  ‘I’m admiring the view,’ I replied, before gazing back out the window.

  ‘Not soul-searching then?’

  Alfie had hit the nail on the head, but I wasn’t about to admit that to him. ‘What made you ask that?’

  ‘You looked deep in thought.’

  ‘Like I said, I’m admiring the view.’

  ‘Where’s Nathan?’

  ‘He’s in our room.’ Alfie knew I wouldn’t be in a bar on my own if everything was all right between us.

  Alfie took Nathan’s absence as his cue to join me. ‘I’m surprised to see you ventured out without him.’

  His comment infuriated me, and it took a lot of effort on my part not to storm out of the lounge, but that would only have made matters worse.

  ‘We’re not joined at the hip. Aren’t I allowed to go out for a drink on
my own if I feel like it?’

  ‘Of course you are. Have you tried one of these before? It’s called The Dean.’ Alfie raised his glass in the air. ‘It’s Tanqueray gin, sweet vermouth, pink grapefruit liqueur and orange bitters.’

  ‘It sounds nice.’

  ‘Knock that back, and I’ll get you one.’ Alfie stood up, and a huge smile spread across his face.

  So much for having some time alone, I thought. But at least Alfie was being charming. Let’s hope he stayed that way.

  *

  Alfie reappeared with our drinks. ‘Why’s Nathan in your room?’ he asked with a smile on his face.

  I didn’t want Alfie to know we’d had words, but even if I didn’t admit it, it was obvious.

  ‘Have you two had another argument?’ Alfie studied my expression while he waited for my response.

  ‘The way you’re talking, anyone would think we argue all the time.’ I couldn’t disguise the anger in my tone.

  ‘Don’t be so touchy, I was only asking.’ Alfie held his palm out towards me, in a passive gesture, before he settled back in his chair and crossed his legs at the ankles.

  I watched Alfie from across the table. He was everything Nathan wanted to be: rich, powerful and successful. But he was also ruthless. He knew exactly what he was doing when he took Nathan to the casino. My husband was never going to be able to leave while he still had chips in his hand. He enjoyed the thrill of the bet too much. Gambling was very addictive.

  I leant forward and put my drink down on the glass table. Alfie smirked, and I felt my eyes glaze over with tears. Nathan was a risk-taker. He didn’t like to play it safe. The desire to win became all-consuming, and nothing else mattered to him. Why couldn’t he learn to quit while he was ahead? Because of his selfish behaviour, we were both caught up in this downward spiral. Would he ever be able to control his habit? I folded my arms tightly around my body and hugged myself for comfort.

  Alfie leant back in the chair and opened the buttons on the front of his suit. Then picked up his glass and drained it. ‘This situation must be frustrating for you,’ he said.

  Hearing that made the fight seep out of me. I exhaled a loud breath and my eyes filled with tears. I tried to blink them away before Alfie saw them.

  ‘I don’t like seeing you cry, Gemma.’ Alfie handed me my glass. ‘Finish your drink, and I’ll get us another one.’

  ‘I should go.’ I could already feel the effects of the alcohol.

  ‘Stay for one more drink.’ Alfie didn’t wait for me to reply before he walked over to the bar.

  *

  ‘How did you get involved in all of this?’ I asked when Alfie returned with our drinks.

  ‘That’s a good question.’ Alfie laughed.

  I was suddenly intrigued to know more about the man who was controlling my future. ‘Surely there must have been other paths you could have taken in life.’

  ‘Not really. I grew up in this environment, so I’m comfortable with it.’ Alfie ran his hand through his slicked-back blond hair.

  My mouth fell open. ‘How can you be comfortable being a member of the criminal underworld?’

  ‘I run the family business, Gemma. We specialise in sales and distribution,’ Alfie corrected.

  ‘Call it what you want, but your line of work isn’t legal, is it? Doesn’t that bother you?’ I questioned, feeling brave with the alcohol floating about in my system.

  Alfie shrugged and took a sip of his drink. ‘What bothers me is that at any time, my freedom could be taken away. My entire world could come crashing down around me in the blink of an eye.’ Alfie stared through me.

  ‘If that’s how you feel, why don’t you do something else?’ My eyebrows knitted together.

  ‘It’s all I know.’ Alfie sipped his drink and leant back in his chair. ‘When my grandad Billy was young, he wanted to make some money, so he got a job working for the most successful person he knew.’

  I had to stifle a laugh. ‘Who did he work for, The Godfather?’

  Alfie tilted his head to the side. ‘No, but it’s not a bad guess. The guy was the head of an organised crime family.’

  ‘And they advised him to follow an unlawful path, did they?’

  Alfie stared down at the floor for a few seconds. Then his blue eyes looked into mine. ‘He worked for the guy for a few years before branching out on his own. Grandad started the family firm in the sixties. I guess in hindsight, he was influenced by the wrong person.’ He paused before he started talking again. ‘Well, now you know how the business started.’

  ‘It’s interesting that you call it a business.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I? Some of what we do is legitimate.’ Alfie straightened his posture.

  Now, this I had to hear. I arched an eyebrow, intrigued by what Alfie was going to say.

  ‘My dad owns a car parts company, a restaurant and a club. He uses the surplus cash to run the companies. It’s a good way to lose a few hundred grand that would otherwise be burning a hole in his pocket,’ Alfie said with a smug look on his face.

  That did surprise me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to have spare money like that. It suddenly occurred to me that Alfie obviously made a huge amount of money through questionable means. By getting mixed up in his business, Nathan and I were in way over our heads.

  ‘And anyway, if we didn’t appear to be above board, the taxman would be sniffing around.’ Alfie winked.

  I had to admit I’d enjoyed our chat this evening. I hadn’t expected Alfie to be so open and unguarded. I’d seen a different side of him and actually felt relaxed in his company for once.

  ‘That’s enough about me, let’s talk about you, Gemma,’ Alfie said, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Picking up my glass, I finished my drink. ‘I’m tired, I’m going to head off now,’ I said, getting to my feet.

  ‘Let me walk you to your room.’ Alfie stood up and straightened the lapels of his dark grey suit.

  I knew there was no point refusing his offer.

  ‘Have you ever watched the Monaco Grand Prix before?’ Alfie asked as we waited for the lift.

  ‘I’ve seen bits of it on TV.’

  ‘It’s got to be the race that every Formula One driver dreams of winning, don’t you think?’

  I couldn’t help wondering where Alfie was going with this.

  ‘It’s always been my fantasy to drive up and down the winding hairpin bends in a sports car. I might rent a Ferrari tomorrow and take you on the ride of your life. Would you like that, Gemma?’

  ‘I don’t think Nathan would be too happy about it.’

  ‘I wasn’t planning on inviting him along.’ Alfie laughed.

  We stepped inside the lift, and he pressed the button to the fifth floor. I stared straight ahead, hoping to avoid any further conversation. Alfie slipped his hand around my waist. As I turned to look at him, he put his hands on my hips and backed me up against the side of the lift. I could see his Adam’s apple moving as he rested his forehead against mine. Lowering his head, he gently kissed my lips. I don’t know what came over me, but I’m guessing it had something to do with the alcohol. I should have pushed him away, but instead, I ran my hands up his chest and kissed him back. We intertwined fingers as we explored each other’s mouths. When the lift came to an abrupt stop, we pulled apart before the doors opened.

  ‘Come back to my room, Gemma.’

  ‘I can’t. I don’t want to betray Nathan.’

  ‘I think you already did.’ Alfie smiled.

  49

  Gemma

  I’d spent a restless night lying next to Nathan, watching his chest fall and rise as he slept, while I tried to figure out why I had kissed Alfie.

  Throwing on some clothes, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to talk to Alfie right now before Nathan woke up, so I crept out of our room and into the brightly lit hallway. Before I knew it, I was standing outside Alfie’s room, knocking gently on the door. Then I came to my se
nses. What the hell was I doing? Turning around, I began pacing back down the hall, hoping he wasn’t awake.

  ‘I’m glad to see you’ve changed your mind,’ Alfie said. He’d spotted me as I’d retreated along the corridor.

  I stopped in my tracks; there was no point trying to run away. It was too late for that. Alfie stood in the doorway, wearing just his black Armani boxer shorts. Silence hung between us while he waited for me to walk back. As I got closer, I ran my eyes over his muscular torso, and my heart began pounding. I’d never seen him in anything less than a suit before, so I had to force myself to look up from his smooth chest and meet his blue gaze.

  ‘I haven’t changed my mind, but I need to talk to you about something important. Can I come in?’

  ‘Of course you can.’

  Alfie stepped to one side and let me into his suite. There wasn’t enough space for me to pass him, and my hand brushed the skin on his taut stomach. I felt my pulse quicken in response, but instinctively my fingers recoiled. That wasn’t supposed to happen, I thought. You’ve got to focus on why you came here, I repeated to myself, over and over again. Don’t let yourself get distracted.

  ‘What happened last night was a mistake,’ I said, looking Alfie straight in the eye.

  ‘Whatever you say, Gemma.’ Alfie smirked.

  ‘I shouldn’t have kissed you, and I want you to know it’s never going to happen again. Do you understand?’ I babbled, trying to get the words out as fast as possible before my nervous heartbeat gave me away.

  ‘I understand.’ Alfie nodded.

  ‘It was a one-off.’

  ‘OK, I get it. You’ve made yourself clear.’ Alfie’s words said one thing, but his smile said something different.