You know you want me as much as I want you x
Alfie was infuriating. It was clear from the tone of his texts, he thought I was bluffing. How many times would I have to tell him I’d never sleep with him again before he believed me?
Please, Gemma x
I was shocked by Alfie’s begging tone. But instead of finding his emotional appeal endearing, I found it deeply disturbing. His needy behaviour was giving me the creeps. At this stage, it would have been easier to get rid of a case of persistent athlete’s foot than him.
If Alfie thought bombarding me with texts every couple of minutes would persuade me to change my mind, he was mistaken. In fact, every time I read another message, it only confirmed that I should never have got involved with him in the first place.
Have I done something to upset you? x
I didn’t know what to do. Alfie hadn’t been put off by the fact that I hadn’t responded to any of his messages. I was very tempted to type back a response, but I decided not to in case he misinterpreted what I was trying to say.
You’ll be sorry if you make me wait too long.
I couldn’t help noticing he hadn’t ended his text with a kiss this time, and it was obvious his patience was wearing thin.
Do I need to spell out what will happen if you choose Nathan over me?
The tone of Alfie’s texts had changed from needy to threatening in an instant, and he was beginning to scare me now. I knew how suddenly he flipped when things didn’t go his way.
Why would I choose Alfie over my husband? We’d only had a one-night stand. Even though Nathan and I were going through a rough patch, I had no intention of leaving him. I wanted to save my marriage more than anything, and nothing, not even Alfie Watson, was going to stand in my way.
It was clear from his messages, Alfie was deluded. I knew I should ignore him. Replying would only open up the lines of communication. But before I could stop myself, my fingers tapped out a reply, and I hit send.
Are you threatening me?
I don’t mind admitting, I was scared to see his reply, so I switched off the phone and put it down on the bedside table. I know I have a tendency to overthink everything, even positive things, until I manage to make them look negative, but I couldn’t help myself. My anxious brain was on the lookout for danger. I knew I was probably being paranoid, but then again, in this case, I think I had good reason to be worried. Alfie’s behaviour was so unpredictable, and as he lived in a world ruled by violence, there was no telling what he might do. My imagination began running riot.
*
When I heard the door open and saw Nathan standing in the entrance, looking like a broken man, a feeling of devastation came over me. I would never forget the look on his face as long as I lived. It was etched in my memory like the words on a headstone. I realised he’d learnt the full extent of my betrayal. He didn’t need to say a word; it was obvious he knew about Alfie. Shame poured from my eyes, and the mask I’d been wearing all this time began to fray.
Nathan fixed me with a questioning glare. ‘How could you do this to me?’
Nathan had a zero-tolerance policy when it came to cheating. He stared at me with a hollow expression on his face, waiting for an explanation. Seeing him like this made guilt eat away at me.
So Alfie’s threat had become real. Bile rose in my stomach as I processed Nathan’s words. Alfie had callously told him about us. What a spiteful thing to do. If he’d kept his mouth shut there was a good chance Nathan would never have found out. But Alfie knew I was serious about saving my marriage, so this was my payback. I would never forgive him for that.
In the past, I’d always thought I’d be honest with Nathan. But now that I was faced with the situation, I didn’t know what to do for the best. If I came clean, I risked losing my husband, so I considered pretending nothing had happened, but only for a brief moment. My conscience had got the better of me. Nathan deserved to hear the truth. Fuelled by guilt, the critical voice in my head was trying to teach me an important lesson; I needed to listen to it this time. I knew it was right; there was no point trying to deny it. It was time for me to face up to what I’d done. But this was going to be torture.
‘Your gambling put a huge strain on our relationship, but no matter what I said, you wouldn’t stop, you just carried on regardless. We were in a downward spiral. You kept letting me down, and there was nothing I could do about it.’
‘Apart from jump into bed with Alfie.’ Nathan shook his head. ‘So let me get this straight, you’re saying it was my fault you had an affair with Alfie, are you?’ I didn’t need to read the look in Nathan’s eyes to know he was furious. His tone of voice conveyed that very well as he tried to keep a lid on his volcanic temper.
‘I didn’t have an affair with Alfie. I slept with him in a moment of madness,’ I blurted out. Nathan deserved an explanation, but if I didn’t understand why I’d done it, how could I give him one? ‘I’m not trying to put all the blame on you, but you have to take some of the responsibility.’
‘Do I?’
‘Yes, you do. I didn’t think you cared about me any more. Do you know how that made me feel?’
‘You can’t even come up with a good reason for throwing our marriage away… I expected more from you. You’ve changed, Gemma. You’re not the woman I married.’
‘And you’re not the man I married. I gave up everything for you, Nathan.’
At the time, I thought I’d made the right decision. I closed the door on my family when I chose to be with Nathan. Ours was a tale of true love that would last against all the odds. We didn’t need anybody else in our lives; we had each other. I lowered my eyes and hoped he wouldn’t notice the tears that were starting to form.
Nathan slammed the door behind him and paced over to the window where I was standing, stopping right in front of me. ‘I’m disgusted with you, Gemma.’ He fired the words straight into my face.
My heart began pounding, reflecting my emotional state. ‘You’re disgusted with me? You’ve put me through hell. All you’re interested in is getting us further into debt, and you’ve put our lives at risk in the process.’ As I rambled on, wallowing in self-pity, the words kept spilling from my mouth in an endless stream. I couldn’t seem to stop them. He wasn’t going to like what I was about to say, but I needed to get it off my chest. ‘Infidelity is a symptom of an unhappy marriage, and believe me, Nathan, I’m unhappy.’ It was true: if everything had been all right between us, I wouldn’t have ended up in Alfie’s bed.
‘Nothing’s ever your fault, is it? You’re never prepared to take the blame for anything. You haven’t even told me you’re sorry for what you’ve done.’ Nathan’s jaw clenched as he said the words.
He was waiting for an apology. I knew he deserved that, but the stubborn voice inside my head wouldn’t let me.
‘It’s bad enough that at the first sign of trouble, you jumped into bed with somebody else, but it’s unforgivable that you’re suggesting I pushed you into doing it. I didn’t drive you into Alfie’s arms no matter what you think.’ Nathan’s eyes flashed with fury.
‘You believe what you want, but it’s time you faced facts: you use the roll of the dice as an emotional crutch.’
Nathan shook his head; he had no words. The injustice of it all was too much for him to bear, and he started shaking. Seeing Nathan at his most vulnerable triggered something within me. I wanted to put my arms around him and tell him everything would be all right. But instead, I wrapped my arms around myself for comfort. I couldn’t bring myself to move; I was frightened he’d push me away.
I lowered my head. I was too embarrassed to look my husband in the eye. It wasn’t fair of me to put all the blame on Nathan. No matter what he’d done, he didn’t deserve to be treated like this. But instead of listening to the voice of reason inside my head, I continued to hold him responsible.
‘While we were falling apart, you weren’t there for me. I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. I was lonely, and all you wer
e interested in was blowing money in the casinos.’
Nathan looked at me with contempt in his eyes as I tried to defend myself. Would it make him feel any better if I told him sleeping with Alfie hadn’t been worth it?
Nathan broke down and covered his gorgeous face with his hands. It would have been easier if he’d screamed at me, and began throwing things around the room, but instead, he sobbed his heart out as he came to terms with my betrayal. Seeing the man I loved in pain like this was unbearable.
‘Can you imagine what’s going through my head right now?’ Nathan’s face contorted as he spoke. I knew I’d caused all his childhood insecurities to resurface.
‘I’m sorry.’ I finally said the words he’d been waiting to hear.
I reached out to touch my husband, but he pulled away. What did I expect? His reaction was perfectly normal. Nathan clasped his hands behind his head and glared at me. He had every right to be angry.
‘Why did you do it? I’d never cheat on you.’ Nathan shook his head in disbelief as his dark eyes bored into mine.
When I saw the heartbreak on his face, it cut me like a knife. I could feel his pain. Nothing I could say would change what I’d done. I just hoped the damage was reversible.
‘Do you even feel guilty?’ Nathan spat his bitter words at me. He was seething.
‘Of course I do. If it’s any consolation, I feel like shit.’ I hung my head in shame. I couldn’t bear to look at Nathan.
‘You feel like shit. What do you think I feel like?’ Nathan let out a loud sigh.
I lowered my eyes to the floor. Part of me was relieved that he knew, but now I had to face the fact that my marriage might not survive and I had nobody to blame but myself. If I lost Nathan, I’d lose everything, and that was the price I’d have to pay for one night with Alfie. I thought things were bad before, but I knew I’d just hit rock bottom.
‘I just don’t understand why you did it?’ Tears formed in Nathan’s eyes again as he studied my face.
‘I made a stupid mistake.’
‘I thought you loved me.’
‘I do love you.’ I was desperate to throw my arms around him and make everything all right.
Nathan shook his head. ‘You’ve got a funny way of showing it.’
‘I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.’ It took all my strength to look Nathan in the eye. I wanted him to know my apology was genuine.
‘They always say you should trust your instincts. I wish I had now. I knew you found Alfie attractive, but I didn’t think you’d actually sleep with him.’ Nathan clasped his fingers behind his head and let out a long breath. ‘I suppose in hindsight, it was obvious you were falling for him, but the spouse is always the last one to know their partner’s having an affair, aren’t they?’
‘We’re not having an affair.’
‘That’s not what Alfie said.’
‘He’s lying, Nathan.’ I wish I’d told him the truth before Alfie gave my husband his greatly exaggerated version of events. I should have seen this coming.
As I took in my husband’s words, one sentence played over and over in my head. Do I need to spell out what will happen if you choose Nathan over me? While Alfie held on to the belief that there was a remote possibility I’d leave Nathan for him, he didn’t feel the need to say anything. But once he’d realised that wasn’t going to happen, he had an overwhelming desire to get even with me. Alfie was out to cause trouble.
‘When Alfie told me he was sleeping with you, he might as well have taken a shotgun and blown a hole right through me. You’ve both shattered my life into a million pieces.’ A pained expression appeared on Nathan’s face as if he’d just ripped a plaster off an open wound before it had a chance to heal.
‘We’re not sleeping together. We had a one-night stand.’
‘I can’t bear the thought of you with another man. Do you know how it makes me feel when I picture you in Alfie’s bed?’ Anger flashed across Nathan’s face, and his nostrils flared.
I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I’d feel if things were the other way around. But I was too choked up to speak, so instead, I shook my head and tried to hold back my tears. I had no right to cry; I’d brought this on myself. Wallowing in self-pity wasn’t going to help me. I wasn’t the victim in this situation, Nathan was.
I bit the side of my lip and looked towards the floor. As I did, warm, salty tears poured from my eyes; I couldn’t hold them in any longer. When my eyes filled up, I tried to blink them away, but they kept coming, running down my cheeks in a steady stream. Unable to speak, I wanted Nathan to take me in his arms and comfort me, but when I looked up at him, he stared right through me and continued speaking.
‘Alfie told me the sex was fantastic, the best he’d ever had. I should never have had to hear someone say that about my wife, Gemma.’
Like molten lava, fury began to simmer in my stomach. Why did Alfie want to torture Nathan with the gory details and cause him so much distress? He’d made the situation much worse than it needed to be and it didn’t change the outcome. I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and swallowed down the lump that had formed at the base of my throat. I was ashamed of what I’d done and desperately wanted to put things right between us. I stared into my husband’s face, looking for a glimmer of hope. Maybe in time, he might be able to forgive me.
‘I wish I could turn back the clock.’
‘It’s too late for that.’ Nathan’s words stung. They felt like a slap on the cheek.
‘I owe you an explanation.’
Nathan put his hand up to silence me. He didn’t want to hear my excuses. Nothing I could say could justify what I’d done.
71
Nathan
I couldn’t believe Gemma had done this to me. I’d never made any secret of the fact that I despised my dad for what he’d done to Mum and me. He’d left us to set up home with another woman when I was a baby. He walked out the door and never made contact with either of us again. As the years went on, I became bitter, and my attitude towards my dad worsened. I hated him for cutting me out of his life and would never forgive him. Gemma knew how I felt about cheating, and yet, she still did it.
I’d always thought being abandoned by your father was the ultimate betrayal. That was before I realised my wife was having an affair. How could she do this to me? I’d trusted her, and this was how she repaid me. I never thought she could be so disloyal.
Before I met Gemma, I was so guarded I wasn’t sure I would ever allow anyone to get close to me. I’d built high walls around myself to keep everyone out. It was going to take a very special person to bring them down. Gemma was that person. At least I’d thought she was, until Alfie filled me in on what was going on behind my back.
Sometimes you click with a person and find it easy to tell them things you wouldn’t normally share with someone you’d just met. People like that are rare, so you treasure them the most, but they could also be the ones who ended up hurting you more than you ever thought was possible. I’d been left blindsided by something I never thought would happen. Gemma had betrayed me. The woman I married would never have treated me like this.
In the past, there had been times when Gemma and I had found ourselves in a dark tunnel. But by sticking together, we eventually found our way towards the light and out the other side. Something terrible had happened to our relationship for us to be in this situation.
Forgiveness didn’t come easily to me. I didn’t know if Gemma and I would be able to get past a betrayal of this size. It wasn’t a small bump on the matrimonial highway. We were going to have to navigate around a pothole of gargantuan proportions, the size of an extinct volcano. The road ahead would be tough and full of pitfalls. I wasn’t sure we were strong enough to make it.
Trust can be broken in an instant, but it takes a long time to rebuild it. All the insecurities that had been plaguing me for so long had suddenly resurfaced. My jealous streak had gone into overdrive. Why had my wife fallen out of love with me?
At a time like this, I would normally have confided in my mum. But that wasn’t going to be possible. She had experienced the same thing with my dad, and we were very close, so I would have loved the opportunity to talk things over with her. Mum loved Gemma like a daughter. She would be devastated if we split up.
If I ever brought up the subject of my dad, Mum would close down the conversation immediately. She never spoke about him and refused to discuss what had happened between them. On the rare occasion that I asked a question, she’d become incredibly distressed, so I stopped asking. I hated seeing her upset.
Now that I was in the same position, I realised how she’d felt. It was less painful to block the person out of your thoughts completely than try to understand the reasons your marriage fell apart. Gemma had just squeezed the life out of my beating heart.
72
Gemma
Alfie and I had crossed a line, and nothing would ever be the same again. I only had to look at Nathan to know his emotional wounds were still very raw. I’d been married since I was nineteen, most of my adult life, so my love for Nathan wasn’t one-dimensional. It spread in different directions like the branches of a tree. I found the thought of losing my husband devastating. After the way I’d behaved, he might not consider giving our marriage another go. Who could blame him?
As far as I could see, the only way to move forward was to lay all my cards on the table. Although I couldn’t justify why I’d slept with Alfie, I owed it to Nathan to try and explain what had led me to cheat in the first place. I wanted him to know the truth, but it was hard to find the right words.
‘Every time you gambled, you lost money. We were sinking deeper into debt, but that never seemed to put you off,’ I began.
Nathan looked at me like I had two heads. He didn’t say a word, but I could tell by the look on his face, I hadn’t answered any of his questions, so I forced myself to carry on.
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