‘You were convinced the next time you gambled, you’d get lucky, but you never did, did you?’ I rambled on; I needed to get this off my chest without being sidetracked. If I stopped now, I might not have the strength to continue. ‘I kept hoping you’d come to your senses.’
Nathan ran his fingers through his thick, dark hair and looked into the middle distance before he brought his eyes back to mine. ‘Thanks for the lecture, Gemma. But I think you’re missing the point. You were meant to be explaining how you ended up in Alfie’s bed. How long has the affair been going on?’
‘I slept with Alfie once. I’d hardly call that an affair.’ Before Nathan had a chance to reply, I continued to talk, but the more I spoke, the more my voice wobbled. ‘When I came back to our room, and you were playing cards with Mario, the little hope I’d been clinging to that you wouldn’t gamble again was well and truly snuffed out.’
Nathan remained quiet, but a muscle twitched in his jaw as he studied my face. I could see he was trying to make sense of the situation. His silence made me nervous and raised a lot of questions in my mind. I would have preferred to have a blazing argument, but what could he say to me when he had no words?
‘I was so angry with you and wasn’t prepared to put up with your selfish behaviour any more. You’d pushed me too far this time, to the stage where I felt like giving up on you.’
My eyes welled up with tears. But rather than put his arms around me, Nathan moved away. He put his guard up and retreated behind the emotional wall he’d built up over the years. I don’t know why I was so surprised. What did I expect? I’d just broken my husband’s heart.
‘I’m ashamed to admit this, but I couldn’t see a future for us. The tension between us was at breaking point. I thought my only option was to let you go.’ My tears rolled silently down my cheeks as we stood staring at each other.
‘I had no idea you felt like that.’ Disbelief was written all over Nathan’s face, and he began to shake his head.
‘This is going to sound awful, but Alfie and I ended up together after we’d spent a drunken night in the bar.’ I looked up at Nathan with guilty eyes. He stared back at me, but his face was expressionless. I took a deep breath and inhaled slowly while I plucked up the courage to continue. ‘You’d hurt me, and I wanted to get back at you.’
Nathan looked at me with empty eyes, and when he spoke, his words had a cold edge to them. ‘So that’s why you slept with Alfie, is it?’
‘I made a stupid mistake, and it haunts me every time I think about what I’ve done. I wasn’t thinking straight; I don’t know what got into me. I’ve let you down in the worst way possible.’
‘When I picture the two of you together, it turns my stomach.’ Nathan’s lips thinned as he clenched his jaw.
‘I don’t blame you for hating me. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you.’ I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand; I had no right to cry.
‘I don’t hate you, Gemma.’
But did he still love me? The question was on my lips, but I was too scared to ask it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear Nathan’s answer. How could I have ever doubted my feelings for him? He’d shown me what it was like to be loved unconditionally. He was my rock.
Nathan took my hands in his, just when I expected him to turn his back on me. He was the most loyal man you could ever meet. That was one of the reasons I couldn’t picture my life without him.
‘I brought this on myself. I shouldn’t have pushed you away.’ Nathan squeezed my fingertips.
I drew in a deep breath and faced Nathan with the biggest smile I could manage. ‘So where do we go from here?’
Not many men would be bothered to stick around if they found out their wife had been unfaithful to them. I’m not sure it’s something I could forgive if it was the other way around. That’s hypocritical of me to say, I know.
‘I want to put this behind us, but I don’t know if I can. You know what I’m like, Gemma, I’m jealous and insecure at the best of times, even when I’ve got no reason to be.’
Tears filled my eyes. The trust had gone from our relationship, and it would be difficult to get that back. Why had I been so stupid? I didn’t want to lose the most important person in my life, but if I did, I had nobody to blame but myself.
My mouth began trembling as I went to speak. ‘I promise you, Nathan, if we stay together, I’ll never hurt you again. I love you more than anything.’
‘I want to believe you… but something tells me I shouldn’t.’
It was going to take time for my husband to learn to trust me again. Nathan’s insecurity stemmed from his childhood and the fact that his father wasn’t part of his life. He always had trouble letting people in. Only a select few were close to him.
‘I don’t want to lose you. You’re the love of my life.’
Nathan reached for my hand and squeezed it. ‘If we can rebuild the trust, we might be able to get through this.’
I could feel my marriage slipping through my fingers. Everything was based on trust, and without it, we’d have nothing. I should never have betrayed my husband. He was bound to be wary of me now. That was a perfectly natural reaction. Nathan needed to heal from the pain I’d caused him, and that wouldn’t happen overnight. I’d have to be patient with him and take things one day at a time. When I looked into his haunted eyes, I knew I loved him more than ever. To say I was ashamed of myself was an understatement. I couldn’t bear to look at the shell of a man in front of me, so I cast my eyes towards the floor.
‘I still can’t believe this has happened to us. I thought our marriage was solid.’ Nathan let out a long breath.
I looked up at him with tears in my eyes. We used to be so happy, and now I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.
‘If I hadn’t kept pushing you away, you would never have slept with…’ Nathan couldn’t bring himself to say Alfie’s name.
‘I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me. Otherwise, we won’t have another option but to go our separate ways.’ I didn’t want Nathan to give up on us and had to put my trembling hand over my mouth to stop myself from crying. I knew if I didn’t, out-of-control sobs were going to escape from my lips.
‘I don’t want our lives to go on different paths.’ Nathan looked into my eyes. ‘It won’t be easy, but let’s do whatever it takes to get back on track.’
73
Gemma
Alfie had earned his position as an underworld boss using a combination of violence, intimidation and control. He was feared and respected in equal measures. If something didn’t go his way, he’d think nothing of pulling a gun on you. It wasn’t in his character to back down.
Before we’d got dragged into this, Nathan and I were happily married. Over the course of a few short months, Alfie had exploited Nathan so he could trap us into working for him. As a result, he’d turned us against each other, and caused so many arguments between us, he’d almost succeeded in splitting us up. We realised now, we needed to stick together if we were going to make it through this, and that’s what we intended to do.
*
As Nathan and I walked into the deserted bar that evening, Alfie called us over to his table. I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck when we approached the dark corner he was sitting in.
‘Aah, isn’t that sweet. You two look happy,’ Alfie said.
He gave me a smug smile and then stared at our intertwined fingers. Seeing us putting on a united front obviously infuriated him, but he was doing his best not to show it.
‘Any reason why we wouldn’t be?’ I asked. When we locked eyes, butterflies fluttered around in my stomach and made me feel sick.
Alfie grinned. Why had I been so stupid? I should never have got involved with him in the first place. I must have been out of my mind.
‘Take a seat. I’ve ordered you both a drink.’
Alfie handed me a Pink Lady, the bar’s signature cocktail. After I took the glass from his hand, I fe
lt like chucking my drink over him, but then thought better of it. He’d be delighted if he knew he was getting under my skin, so I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.
‘Cheers,’ Alfie said, and his face broke into a slow smile. He nodded towards Nathan before clinking my glass.
Alfie leant backwards in his chair and began undressing me with his eyes. I felt the colour rush to my cheeks.
‘You look a little flushed, Gemma.’ Alfie laughed.
‘It’s hot in here,’ I replied.
Nathan sat in silence next to me, watching Alfie’s pathetic attempt at male courtship. I could see he was getting a great power buzz from Nathan’s unease. This was a game to Alfie, and he wasn’t going to stop until he’d won. My heart bled for Nathan. It was bad enough having to come to terms with my infidelity, without having his nose constantly rubbed in it.
I threw Alfie a filthy look in the hope that he might stop torturing Nathan. But if anything, it just encouraged him. Alfie held eye contact with me for longer than it felt comfortable, and although I was desperate to look away, I didn’t dare, in case he read that as a sign of weakness. Spurred on by my embarrassment, Alfie continued giving me the once-over.
‘Let’s get out of here, Gemma,’ Nathan said, knocking back his cocktail and getting to his feet.
Leaving my drink untouched, I pushed my chair back from the table and stood next to my husband.
Alfie checked the time on his Rolex. ‘Aren’t you going to stay for another drink?’
‘No, thanks,’ Nathan said. He took hold of my hand, and as we went to leave, Alfie stood up.
‘Hey, Nathan, I’ve just had an idea, why don’t you go, and Gemma can stay here with me? Or better still, she could come back to my room. The bed’s still warm.’
After that, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Alfie knew his comment would provoke a reaction.
Up until now, Nathan had kept a lid on things, but overcome with jealousy, he couldn’t help himself and lunged towards Alfie. Without any hesitation, I threw my arms between them, slamming a palm into each of their chests to keep them apart. I couldn’t stand by and do nothing. I didn’t want Nathan to get into a fight.
‘Do you want me to blow your fucking head off?’ Alfie said.
He didn’t need to take the gun from his inside pocket and threaten my husband with it. His words were enough. Alfie wasn’t just flexing his muscles. As far as he was concerned, Nathan had overstepped the mark and now we were at his mercy.
‘Alfie, please calm down.’ My voice sounded tense because I knew exactly what he was capable of.
I fixed him with my eyes, and he studied my face. He could see how scared I was, but he showed no emotion. Silence hung heavy in the air for what seemed like an eternity while we waited to see what Alfie would do next. He didn’t need to have a good reason to kill somebody; it was just another display of his status and dominance. Taking someone’s life meant nothing to him, and he’d told me before that things would be a lot easier with Nathan out of the picture. I hoped for our sake, he didn’t really mean that.
I tried to stay strong, but my body began to shake as the cold, hard reality of the situation seeped into my brain. My head was spinning. The speed at which this had all kicked off caught me off balance. The worrying thing was, even though he wasn’t holding the gun, I knew we were still in danger. I could feel it in the air around us.
I couldn’t blame Nathan for this. I should have put a stop to the chain of events that had led me into the arms of another man. I wished I’d never been unfaithful to my husband; it haunted me every time I thought about it. It was torture seeing the pleasure Alfie got from Nathan’s pain.
I wondered what Alfie was thinking about as he stood in silence, watching me without blinking. As far as I was concerned, what happened between Alfie and me was well and truly over. But by the way he was behaving, it was clear he wasn’t going to let me walk away that easily.
Our lives were now entangled together, and no matter how much I wanted to break free, he wasn’t going to let me. I knew if I didn’t make a stand, we’d always be trapped. Without saying a word, I took hold of Nathan’s hand, turned away from Alfie and began walking out of the bar.
‘Where do you think you’re going, Gemma? Get back here right now,’ Alfie shouted as we disappeared out of the door.
74
Alfie
When something was predictable, it bored me. I couldn’t work Gemma out. She was completely unpredictable, and that was exciting. She fascinated me and brought out the best in me, whereas Nathan brought out the worst. Just being in the same room as him made me see red.
For Gemma to have strayed outside their relationship, something must have changed. She was looking for something Nathan wasn’t giving her. Even though they were putting on a united front to the outside world, behind closed doors, there was trouble in paradise. That was an encouraging sign. I’d played my part by stirring things up between them. Sleeping with Gemma had rocked the foundations of their marriage to the core. It was good to know my efforts to split them up hadn’t been in vain.
Gemma’s patience was finally starting to wear thin. Nathan’s behaviour was pushing her straight into my arms. I was more than happy to be a shoulder to cry on. She could rely on me. I couldn’t understand why she chose to stay with Nathan. I suppose it was the safe thing to do. Surely she knew she had other options. We bounced off each other, so I fully intended to take her off his hands. When Gemma was mine, I’d make sure she felt loved, happy, safe and secure. She would be so content, she would never feel the need to stray from me.
Nathan didn’t appreciate how lucky he was. It was hard for me to sit back and watch him treat Gemma badly. But she needed to work out for herself that it was time to give up on her marriage. I had to let their relationship run its course. Gemma had put up with his behaviour for so long he’d never see it coming. That would make it harder for him to accept. He wouldn’t know what had hit him when he ended up alone. Nathan would be lost without Gemma. She was the strong one in the partnership. She was the type of woman who made a stand and held her ground in a situation, and that impressed me.
I loved being around Gemma, so I was prepared to give up the single life to have a relationship with her. I never thought that day would come. I’d always embraced my status as a bachelor and enjoyed the company of beautiful women. Living the playboy lifestyle wasn’t exactly a hardship.
There were lots of benefits to not being part of a couple. I liked being the sole decision-maker and not having to compromise with anyone. I controlled my own schedule. I was a free agent and used to doing what I wanted when I wanted. Although the thought of being in a relationship with Gemma was a bit daunting, I was ready to change. What had come over me? I was going soft over a woman. If I wasn’t careful, Gemma would ruin my street cred.
75
Gemma
I lay in the darkness, with my head on my husband’s smooth bare chest, and stared at the Eiffel Tower. It looked amazing lit up against the night sky. Feeling his warm body close to mine made me ache for his touch. I wanted him to make love to me, so I ran my hand up his arm, then reached up and kissed him.
Nathan pulled away. ‘I’m sorry, Gemma, I can’t.’ He turned his face away so that I could only see his profile.
My tears fell silently on my pillow. His rejection stung and filled me with doubt. I’d hurt him so badly, and I hated myself for that. Nathan’s wounds needed time to heal; I’d have to be patient and respect that. All I could hope is that one day, he’d stop being tormented by my betrayal, and it wouldn’t occupy his mind like it does now.
*
In the early hours of the morning, my phone buzzed on the bedside cabinet. A text had come through from Alfie.
Are you bored of playing games yet?
I let out a sigh. Alfie thought he was in control again. I wasn’t playing games.
‘Are you awake?’ I asked, looking over my shoulder at Nathan. His eyes were closed
, but I knew he wasn’t asleep.
As I lay staring up at the ceiling, I thought about whether I should ignore the text, but decided I wouldn’t. There was so much I wanted to say. Before I had a chance to type a reply, another message came through from him.
The bed feels too big without you.
Reading his latest text made me panic. There was no way I was going to reply to that. My fingers fumbled with the keys, and I quickly deleted his message. I didn’t want Nathan to see it. Then I switched off the phone, so I wouldn’t have to interact with Alfie. How could I convince him it was over between us if he refused to believe it?
*
The sound of knocking on our door woke Nathan and me from a fretful sleep.
‘I’ll get it,’ Nathan said.
Lying very still, I strained to hear what the muffled voices were saying, but I couldn’t figure it out.
‘Who was at the door?’
‘Tommy.’
‘What did he want?’ It was four o’clock in the morning.
‘He came to tell us to get ready.’
‘Couldn’t he have waited until later?’ I yawned.
‘No, we’re leaving in an hour.’ Nathan stood by the side of the bed, staring at me with haunted eyes.
‘What’s the matter?’
‘He had a message for you from Alfie.’
My heart sank. ‘What was it?’ I could hear the blood pumping around my head while I waited for Nathan to speak.
‘He wants to know why you didn’t reply to his texts.’
76
Nathan
Why had Gemma started keeping things from me? I needed her to be as honest as possible at the moment, because if she lied to me, or withheld information, no matter how trivial she thought it was, then we would never be able to rebuild the trust that had been broken. Her behaviour was making me paranoid, and my old insecurities had returned with a vengeance.
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