Beyond the Sea: A Modern Gothic Romance

by L.H. Cosway

  “Life is a bad dream we can’t wake up from,” Noah said, and a memory sparked.

  “All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream,” I quoted.

  Noah lifted his hand to stroke my cheek. “A fellow Poe fan,” he murmured with a fond smile.

  I flushed at his tenderness, heart racing. “I don’t even remember how I know that. I must’ve read it somewhere.”

  “The brain locks things away sometimes, and we forget about them until one day we’re reminded.”

  A chill crept over me as I stared at him. “You said dreams come from a waking fear. Do you fear the things you dream about?”

  “I fear a lot of things, Estella. But I also fear myself. Sometimes I …” he trailed off, looking away a moment before bringing his eyes back to me. “Sometimes I’m scared that the things I believe are righteous are in fact irrational, but my head is too fucked to know the difference.”

  He seemed so incredibly vulnerable right then that my heart opened up to him. “You can always ask me. I have a good inner dial for knowing the difference between right and wrong.” How could I not when my dad spoke to me about morality, about good and evil and the teachings of the Bible since I was a small child?

  “I don’t doubt that, but you won’t always be there,” Noah whispered.

  “Who says I won’t?” I whispered back, and something blazed in his eyes.

  I shivered then, feeling way too emotionally exposed. Had I just said I’d always be there for him? Oh man, that was embarrassing. I clammed up, pulling away and refusing to look him in the eye. “We should get out now. The water is starting to get cold.”

  “Estella,” Noah said, affection in his voice. It vibrated right into my heart where it nestled and made a home for itself.

  Oh, no. No, no, no, no! I could not let this happen. I simply couldn’t. Falling for Noah Dylan would be by far the stupidest thing I’d ever done, and yet, I could already feel it happening. How could I like him this much when there were still so many things I didn’t know about him? And when some of the things I did know were cause for concern? Like the fake identities and the casual breaking and entering into people’s homes.

  “What?” I replied, a plea in my voice. I needed him to change the subject, and he seemed to read me well when he said, “There’s nothing sadder than a cold bubble bath. Come, let me help you get out.”

  His hands met my hips as he assisted me out of the tub. A small part of me was disappointed to leave. Despite the cold water, I probably could’ve sat in that bathtub telling Noah about my nightmares, my anxieties and my fears, for hours on end. And that was exactly what I was afraid of. Any more intimate moments like we’d shared just now, and I was in danger of falling completely in love with him. Not only that, but I was in danger of letting Noah see it, because when it came to him, I had a hard time disguising how I felt.

  “I’m going to put on some dry clothes, then we’ll get Vee washed.” A pause as his hot, needful eyes danced over me, focusing too long on my chest. “You should probably get changed, too.”

  My attention flicked down, and I was mortifyingly aware of my beaded nipples, blatantly evident through the thin cotton fabric of my top. Flushing bright red, I turned and fled the bathroom.

  16.

  “Please don’t make me do this. I’ll shower later, I promise,” Vee begged as Noah helped her out of bed.

  “I don’t believe you.” He placed her arms around his shoulders and lifted her. She weighed so little it was easy for him to carry her into the bathroom. Watching him, I realised he really did care about Vee. It was almost surreal to see since he could come across so unreadable at times.

  “I don’t want to,” Vee cried. It was difficult to witness her like this. I’d always had trouble reconciling Vee’s vulnerability with her harshness. She somehow managed to be both things at once.

  Noah cast her a meaningful look. “Do it for me then.”

  A long moment of them staring into each other’s eyes passed before Vee sniffled and nodded. Noah lowered her to a standing position, and she reluctantly closed the bathroom door behind her. While she washed, Noah and I diligently cleaned out her bedroom, opening the windows, changing the bedsheets and clearing out all the empty liquor bottles. An hour later, she was out of the bath, clean and dry, and fast asleep in her bed.

  “When she wakes up, she’s going to want a drink,” Noah said, perturbed.

  “It’s a bad idea to go cold turkey, right?” I said.

  He nodded. “I’ll leave something for her. Not too much. Just enough to get her through.”

  “What about tonight? Are you going to cancel?”

  He looked torn, rubbing a hand over his jaw. “No. It’s only a small get together. We’ll keep it quiet. Vee won’t be disturbed.”

  “Okay, well, I’m going to take a walk on the beach and get some air,” I said, and headed downstairs.

  I walked along the strand, trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings. Being attracted to Noah was one thing but letting him worm his way under my skin was another entirely. And the more I saw his softer, kinder side, the further I fell. Perhaps we needed to return to keeping our distance, that way I could stem the flow of feelings until I finished my exams. Once I was out of that house and away from Noah, the constant heaviness in my stomach would fade.

  I was lost in thought when suddenly a large dog came barrelling down the beach.

  “Hey, Sparky, good to see you, boy,” I said, petting Kean’s Golden Retriever on the head and smiling down at him. He was such a friendly pup.

  “He remembers you,” Kean said, Sparky’s leash in hand as he approached.

  “And I remember him,” I replied, giving the dog an affectionate ruffle despite being wary of its owner.

  “How have you been?” Kean asked with a hesitant smile.

  “Fine.” I still haven’t forgotten about you and your friends sneering at my friends.

  He looked regretful now. “I’m sorry for how things went down at the castle that night, and for how Sally was yesterday. I’ve been friends with her for years, but she can be kind of a bitch sometimes.” A pause as he got a shy look on his face. “Plus, I never shut up talking about you so she’s probably sick of hearing about it.”

  What he said took me off guard. I blinked in surprise, not knowing what to say. He gave self-deprecating chuckle. “Oh, come on. You have to know I’ve always had a crush on you.”

  I stiffened. What the hell was he talking about? “Um, no, I didn’t know that,” I whispered. How could I? We’d barely spoken up until recently. Not since we were kids. Had his crush started back then?

  Kean self-consciously dragged a foot through the sand. “I thought it was obvious. Whenever I see you, I get this big stupid smile.” He pointed to his face. “See? I’m doing it right now. I can’t help it.”

  My pulse sped as a few things fell into place. “When you say you never shut up talking about me to Sally, exactly how long has that been going on?”

  “Now you’re just trying to embarrass me,” he said, cheeks red.

  He didn’t have to say anything else, because I saw his answer right there. Suddenly, Sally’s attitude made sense. She had a crush on Kean, probably for years, while he’s been harbouring a crush on me and telling her all about it. No wonder she hated me so much.

  “What’s that look about?” he asked.

  I shook my head, unable to hold back a quiet laugh. “It’s nothing, just … Sally’s had it in for me for years, and now I finally know why.”

  “She’s had it in for you?”

  “Yes, she’s horrible to me at school, and it’s all because of you. She’s jealous.”

  Kean’s hands shot up. “Hey, now. I don’t know about—”

  “Think about it,” I said, eyeing him. “Why else would she hate me so much?”

  He went quiet, his expression thoughtful, then he swore, “Fuck, Estella, I’m so sorry.” He reached out to touch my arm. I grew awkward, feeling guil
ty that I didn’t like him back. Not anymore. It didn’t fill me with joy to know he’d fancied me for years. Instead I just felt uncomfortable since my own affections lay elsewhere. How could I let him down gently?

  “How can I make it up to you?” Kean asked, stepping closer.

  “Sally’s behaviour isn’t your fault. There’s nothing to make up,” I told him, moving away.

  He glanced down at the distance I’d put between us, like it confused him. I guess he’d never had his advances rejected before. Still, he powered on. “Can we start over? I’d like to take you out on a proper date.”

  I stared at him, a lump forming in my throat. He looked so hopeful and I didn’t know what to say.

  “Estella,” a familiar voice called. Noah stood on the stone steps that led down to the beach. He glanced from me to Kean, and I thought I saw his jaw tick. He had no clue how relieved I was for the interruption. I looked between the two of them, dark and light. It was just my luck that I was far more entranced by Noah’s darkness than Kean’s light.

  “The guests will be arriving soon. I need you back at the house,” Noah said, his tone firm. Then he turned and walked back up the steps.

  “Your uncle seems strict,” Kean said.

  “He’s not my uncle. He’s just Veronica’s brother.”

  “Oh, okay, well—”

  “Look, Kean,” I said, biting the bullet. “I don’t think I can go out with you. I don’t like you that way.”

  The hurt on his face was like a wallop to the chest. I hated myself for rejecting him, but I had far too many complicated feelings for Noah to even consider going out with Kean. And besides, I was leaving soon. There was no point starting anything new.

  “Oh,” he whispered, his shoulders slumping. He looked like a crestfallen fairy tale prince, and yet I still felt no attraction. What was wrong with me?

  “Can we at least be friends?” Kean asked, his eyes hopeful.

  “We can try,” I said with a kind smile, glancing in the direction Noah had gone. “Listen, I have to go,” I said, giving Sparky one last pet on the head.

  “Yeah, okay,” he replied glumly. “Bye, Estella.”

  When I entered the house, Noah stood in the kitchen sampling some of the charcuterie I’d put together. I hip checked him away. “Hands off. This is for your guests.”

  Before I could react, he crowded me against the counter, his mouth at my ear. “What did your little boyfriend want?”

  I tried to push him away, but he wouldn’t budge. “Nothing. He was walking his dog. Will you move?”

  I stared him down, and he stared right back. He appeared to be enjoying this, whatever this was. Self-awareness and tension pervaded the room.

  “Do you want me to stay out of the way tonight?” I asked quietly.

  He tilted his head. “Why would I want that?”

  “Vee always made me stay in my room whenever she and Dad had company.”

  “Go wherever you want. I won’t stop you. In fact, feel free to join us. It could be educational. I bet you’ve never seen a dickhead lubricate a bunch of arseholes before.”

  What he said surprised a laugh out of me. “Are you the dickhead?”

  His grin was devilish as he reached by me, plucked up an olive and popped it in his mouth. “Always.”

  We separated at the sound of Sylvia’s wheelchair rolling down the hallway, right before Irene pushed her into the kitchen.

  “Oh, hello, you two. I was just about to give Sylvia her dinner,” Irene said.

  “Go ahead,” Noah replied, levelling her with a serious look. “And by the way, if Vee asks you to bring her alcohol again, come to me. I’ll deal with her.”

  A glassy sheen formed in Irene’s eyes. “I didn’t want to. She said she’d fire me, and I really need this job.” Sylvia reached out to touch her carer’s hand.

  “Don’t be upset. I’m well aware of how crafty my sister can be,” Noah said. “Just remember to come to me if she does it again.”

  “I will,” Irene sniffled. “Thank you.” She studied him with grateful eyes, coming forward to pat him on the shoulder. “You’re not nearly as bad as you want everyone to believe, are you?”

  He didn’t answer, just got an uncomfortable look on his face before he murmured something under his breath and stalked out of the room. Irene raised her eyebrows and shook her head at his retreat. I watched him go, too. Today he’d been genuinely kind to two separate people, and it was almost shocking. Maybe he was right.

  Maybe I was in danger of turning him into a good person. Or maybe Irene was right, and he wasn’t ever really that bad to begin with.

  ***

  I put on my blue dress again. It was the only nice thing I owned. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and remembered what Noah said to me.

  On Saturday night. I thought about you in your blue dress.

  What I wouldn’t give to know exactly what those thoughts were. They’d surely scandalise my virginal heart, but these days I chased scandal like it was going out of fashion.

  I emerged from my bedroom and wandered down the hallway. Taking a quick peek in the living room, I saw Noah was already in there, entertaining Enda Riordan and his wife, Mayor McBride and her husband and Matt O’Hare, whose wife had died a few years ago. I tried to feel sympathetic toward Sally for that, but she was so mean to me at school I had a hard time drumming up any sympathy.

  Sylvia sat by the window wearing one of her good dresses, her hair tied up in a fancy bun and delicate sparkling diamonds in her ears. She must’ve gotten Irene to dress her up, though she did look a little uncomfortable to be around all these people who knew her before she became so sick.

  It made me angry and sad that they’d more or less abandoned her until now. That Hawkins had ended their affair once she started to decline. The only reason these people were here was because Noah invited them, and I doubted they cared much about seeing Sylvia. They were likely more enthralled by the return of her dark and mysterious prodigal son.

  Matt gave a loud, raucous laugh at something Noah said, while the others tittered their amusement. Matt was a portly, bald man with a bulbous whiskey nose. Enda stood next to him, over six feet tall and very much like an older, less pretty version of his son, Kean. His wife was a tall redhead with an elfin face. Lydia McBride had short brown hair and a no-nonsense style of dress, while her husband was a bespectacled professor-looking type. All in all, this was your typical middle-aged social gathering, if you didn’t factor in Noah.

  He was an anomaly, and I still didn’t quite know what his intentions were with these people. Did he want to be their friend? I didn’t think so. Not with him referring to them as a bunch of arseholes.

  The doorbell rang, and I went to answer it, coming face to face with Principal Hawkins and his wife, Theresa. Now that I knew what she’d tried to do to Noah, I felt vaguely ill in her presence. It happened a long time ago, but still, the thought of her coming onto a fourteen-year-old Noah gave me the creeps.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I greeted them both, standing back. “Hello. Please come in.”

  “Estella, so nice to see you,” Hawkins replied with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. I got the distinct sense that he didn’t want to be here. His wife must’ve pushed him to come, and that just pissed me off because I saw her attraction when she’d come face to face with Noah in the restaurant the other day. And if she had her eye on him when he was a kid, then who knew what she’d try now that he was a grown man.

  An uncommon feeling swept over me. I felt … possessive of him.

  “And you,” I lied. I glanced briefly at Theresa as I led them into the living room, monitoring Noah’s reaction to the arrival of his final two guests. I was probably imagining it, but I swore his green eyes flashed black as coal for a split second at the sight of Hawkins. It was odd because I thought he’d have more anger for Theresa than for Hawkins himself. Then again, he probably resented my principal for the affair he’d had with Sylvia all those years
ago.

  Speaking of which, I didn’t fail to notice the catty, self-satisfied look Theresa shot at Sylvia, like she was delighted to see how sick she’d become, confined to a wheelchair. Wow, that was low. Even if someone slept with my husband, I’d still never wish an illness like Sylvia’s on them.

  Hawkins glanced at Sylvia briefly, then quickly turned away, like he could barely bring himself to look at her. Well, this wasn’t going to be awkward at all.

  “Welcome,” Noah said, distracting me from my observations.

  “We can’t stay long,” Hawkins clipped, his shoulders stiff and straight as a ruler.

  Noah came and patted him on the back. “Hey, don’t leave early on my account. What happened before I went away, it’s all water under the bridge. I’ve forgiven you.”

  Hawkins blinked rapidly; surprise written all over his face.

  Forgiven him for what? Matt O’Hare butted in, voicing the very same question. “Well, now I’m curious. What have you forgiven John for?”

  Noah glanced at Matt. “He lied about me.” His eyes went to Sylvia. “Didn’t he, Mother?”

  Sylvia’s lips paled, and I noticed her hand grew a little shaky where it rested on the arm of her wheelchair. She gave a tiny nod and looked away, a frown marring her delicate features.

  “I found God though,” Noah said, returning his attention to Hawkins before he turned to me. “Haven’t I, Estella?”

  He shot me a meaningful look, which I interpreted as him wanting me to lie. I cleared my throat. “Um, yes. He even attends mass.” More precisely, he attended one mass. I wasn’t sure why I lied for him; it was an odd, instinctive thing.

  Noah grinned. “Indeed, I do. As the Lord has forgiven us, we must also forgive.”

  He grabbed a glass and filled it with wine before handing it to Hawkins. He awkwardly took it. Whatever Noah was referring to when he told Hawkins he forgave him, my principal seemed gobsmacked.

  Noah returned to the bar, where he poured wine for Theresa and some for me, too. Though I wasn’t a drinker, I took it gladly. Whatever this night had in store, I was going to need some Dutch courage to get me through, especially when I spotted Matt shoot me a less than pleasant glance. Clearly, he hadn’t forgotten my fight at school with his daughter.