When Gods Fail

by Nelson Lowhim

  "You eat?" I ask.

  "Not hungry."

  I didn't push the matter, as it was better to save some of our rations.

  I lay down next to her. Tried to push my body towards hers. No reaction.

  "The sun didn't light up the sky. Depressing, isn't it?" I said.

  "Why?"

  Sometimes her questions were like a child's. They were getting tiresome. "You didn't like the sunset yesterday?"

  "I did."

  "Then wouldn't you want to see that again?"

  "Maybe. Does it matter? The sun will do what it wants and we're still down here."

  I nodded my head without meaning it. I leaned over her to see her face better. "What is it that keeps you going then?"

  "Nothing."

  It wasn't the answer I wanted from her. "What about the future of mankind?"

  "Why should that bother me?"

  I couldn't reply. Why should it?

  "Do you believe in God?"

  "I did."

  "And now?"

  She looked at me then touched my hand and pulled herself closer to me. I could feel her breathing on my check. It startled me. Her touch was a thousand sunsets.

  We made love that night. As best as people grinding on top of rocks could. Every caress of hers drove me further into a hole of happiness. And I woke up with her head on my chest and the feeling of accomplishment on my mind.

  I moved out from under the blanket and into the cold morning. The air bit at me. The sun cracked out from under the overcast sky near the horizon. I walked in a circle, crouching, trying to see any footprints, other than ours. We were alone. I walked to the satellite peak and found a flat rock to sit on. I looked down on the ground. Lifeless. What I would have given to see a sign of insects crawling around. Did they only come out to eat the dead? What did natural selection have to say about that? That they would soon develop a taste for us? Eat us in our sleep? I shivered at the thought.

  Jenny.

  She would save me from all this. I'd treated her wrong that night. But that hadn't been me. It was some animal that had allowed me to survive. The only other people out there who had survived this far were lucky, killers, who knew better than to trust another soul that was trying to survive like them. So what would happen in this new world? Surely some agreement or truce would come from it? The more I thought, the more I wondered why I was trying to find other people. Would I want to? If all the population centers had been hit, which in a grand mutually assured strike they would have, then why was I trying to walk towards them? The only places that wouldn't have been struck would be places that were of no one's concern. Correct? The United States and all other major players would have been wiped out, but places like the Amazon would hold no value. Then I would have to go far away from population centers. Travel to or through Central America.

  I shook my head, spat on the ground. Watched my saliva as it sat there, an abomination on the otherwise pristine earth.

  Central America? That was my hope. With the sleds we had enough food to get down there. If it was untouched by nukes it would be filled with people. Perhaps people like Bill, Paul, Big Lee, and Johnny. People who had nothing more to do than be territorial. I was unlikely to find someone as enlightened as I was. If that was the case, all hope was lost. Besides, I didn't want to travel that far. I had to make something here.

  I got up as the sun floated higher in the sky, hidden behind the clouds, which seemed to be losing their thickness. It was time to move and find something. The thought of finding other people still jumped about my mind. What would I do?

  As I walked down the peak, I took another deep breath. The air had warmed considerably since I woke up. A scent, something familiar, something that I hadn't smelled in a very long time, hit me. It was organic, but it wasn't human. Soil. Not the barren soil between the rocks that I'd smelled so far, but fertile soil. Soil that I'd smeared across my knees a million times as a boy. I trotted back to Jenny who stretched with the blanket covering her legs.

  "Jenny, you awake?"

  She looked at me with half opened eyes. "Yes?" She smiled.

  The smile caught me off guard. Could it be that she'd forgiven me? That last night wasn't just a moment of weakness? I grinned, eager for more. "Do you smell that?"

  She sniffed. "No, what is it? People?"

  "No, soil!"

  Her look evaporated, and she gave me a sympathetic look. Then she laughed. "Soil?"

  "Yes, soil," I said and chuckled. Her eyes sparkled. This was all that mattered. The rest of the world could smolder for the rest of eternity, all I needed was one more look like that from her. "Soil that we can grow plants on. I'm sure of it."

  She sniffed the air and nodded her head imperceptibly. "It does smell like that."

  I started packing our things. I didn't want to look her in the face anymore. If I did, I was liable to break down in her arms. Her last words were encouraging. They could've been said to satiate me, or they could have been said in earnest. Both were good signs.

  "Let's see," I said.

  We walked up the satellite peak and back down it. The smell grew stronger. It would drift away sometimes, we'd change direction and it would return. Soon, near the bottom of the hill, close to where the plains stretched out, I saw a patch of mud. Green shoots sprouted out of it.

  I focused on the patch of plants. They looked like weeds, and the patch was about ten yards in diameter, but it seemed like a piece of paradise. I took out my map and made a note. We would leave it be for now and come back when the plants were older.

  "This shows that the world is growing again. That we will soon be able to live normally," I said.

  "That we will be able to build?" Her tone felt like a punch. Had the size of the patch turned her off?

  I tried to ignore the comment. Only a minute ago she seemed full of life and now... There was only so much I could take. After all, I had decided not to burn down Bill's place.

  "We'd better get going," I said, and placed the map in my pocket. We marched back up to the ridge and continued towards the south.

  Two hours later we came upon a cliff face that couldn't be scaled. The wall was wrinkled with sleeves of orange rock. We followed the base of the cliff until we found a path that cut up into the cliff face. I didn't like the feel the path gave; it put us at the mercy of anyone who was on top. Still, I couldn't smell anyone or hear anything, so I figured it would save us some time.

  We walked up this natural alleyway for half an hour. Each time I looked back I could see more and more of the land. The shape of our hill, where our cave was located, stood a distant reminder that we had something to go back to.

  That's when I heard the voices. Multiple low voices echoing down the path we were walking up. There was no place to hide. We could've run back from where we came, but if they wanted, they could mow us down. There was no choice. My heart jumped into my throat. I looked at Jenny who grabbed a hold of my sleeve. The voices were clearer now. Men. I pulled out my rifle from my back and held it. Jenny did the same. Her other hand checked her hidden handgun.

  Then I glimpsed the men as they walked down towards us. They didn't have the slightest hesitation in their strides. All laughed and talked to one another as if no one would ever hear them. I looked above us to see if anyone was checking their flanks. There wasn't any movement. My heart slowed down. I could handle them. Jenny shuffled her feet. Her breathing increased, and she looked at me and gave a small smile.

  I smiled back. I would be fine, as long as she was on my side.

  Four men. No one else behind them. At least the odds weren't bad. Assuming Jenny did her part too. I could smell their body odor and unchanged underwear from twenty yards away.

  They were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't notice us until they were ten meters away.

  "Hello." I raised my hand.

  My voice scattered their thoughts as they looked at me, then Jenny, then pulled out their rifles.

  "Easy," I said.
"I have no problems, I just want to pass. Me and my wife," I glanced up and back behind us. No one.

  The men looked at each other, still shocked. They were lean, dressed in black. Though the black was more from dirt than actual dye. The two on the flanks seemed the youngest. They kept looking at the other two for what to do next. Of the two in the middle, the one on the left was old, fifties maybe, while the one to the right was thirty. All looked they were in the same family, with sharp noses and chins that pointed to the same point in front of their faces. Finally the oldest one spoke up. "You say you want to get past us?"

  Though his tone was uncertain, there was a level of anger and contempt in it.

  "Yes, please," I said.

  "What business do you have here?" the old man's said, louder and angrier. I could hear his twang.

  "Well. We were hoping that we could find people. To trade with. To talk to." I looked over at Jenny who seemed to be annoyed. "Are ya'll alone?"

  "We have more people," one of the younger ones said with a fearlessness that was troubling. "Plenty more people. You?"

  "No." There was no need to lie. I had to try to reach out to these people. "But we come as friends."

  They all cackled together.

  It reminded me of Big Lee.

  Please... Don't.

  Was this how it was always going to be? Anger bubbled up inside me.

  "Is that so? Well we don't," the old man barked. "Throw your gun down. You too sweetheart," he said and smiled at Jenny. "You'll be fine with us. We're just going to take you with us."

  Jenny threw her weapon down and I felt sad, betrayed, as if there wasn't anything else for me to do. If I lost her what else was there?

  "I can't do that," I said.

  "The hell you can't. We out number you four to one. Give us your woman, throw your weapon down, and we'll send you back where you came from."

  I didn't believe him. Once my weapon was down I would be dead. He had every reason to kill me, and none to let me live. "All right," I said and lowered my rifle. "Lower your guns first." My chest felt weak.

  The old man gave a signal and the rest of them lowered their weapons.

  I kneeled down, setting my rifle on the ground. I looked at Jenny who turned to me and gave me a wink, then mouthed: one, two. She stepped back to my right, her left hand on the handgun under her dress.

  I reached for my two handguns, pretended to stumble forward then flashed them out, firing at the older men in the middle.

  It was a wise choice. The two men in the middle were the first to raise their rifles and my bullets landed with comforting thuds on their chests. I fired three more shots into the two men. Their rifles fell out of their hands. In my periphery I saw the two young men jump back, then raise their rifles. I shot the one to the left and he stumbled back. I heard another shot go off and saw that Jenny had shot the last young man right in the face. He collapsed, a lump of flesh.

  I moved towards the men, fired into the two old men's heads as I stepped over them and walked to the young man I'd shot. He took shallow breaths as he scratched his chest. I kicked the rifle out of his hand and picked it up. I was calm, a monk who had attained Nirvana, not a care in the world. I pointed the rifle at his face.

  "How many more are there?" I asked.

  He shook his head.

  I pointed the rifle at his knee and fired. He screamed. I pointed it at his balls. "It can be slow or quick. How many?"

  "Three!" He spat out blood. He was young. Blue doe-eyes, skinny but with some baby fat on his cheeks.

  "Who?" I asked.

  "My mom, sister, dad."

  "No one else?"

  He shook his head. He was too scared to tell a lie—I was sure of that.

  "How far?" I asked.

  "Don't hurt them, please."

  "I won't. I promise." I jammed the gun into his balls.

  "About a mile away." He strained to keep his eyes open. "Some water. Please."

  Please...Don't. Big Lee's last words rushed back to me—what had he meant? Don't kill him? Or was he trying to warn me away from Jenny? That possibility ran through my intestines like a rock, and my visual field bent, as my equilibrium was lost. I crouched unto my haunches. I reached for my canteen and unscrewed it. Then I handed him the water. He drank the whole thing.

  "That was good." He licked his lips, a child-like smile spread on his face as if there was a secret he couldn't hold back. I looked around again to make sure there wasn't anyone else.

  "Anything else? Have you met any other people?"

  "No one friendly," he said.

  I bent over his face to hear him; his voice cracked.

  "Other people always try to take from us," he said and stopped to swallow, then grimaced. "Beware."

  "Beware what?"

  He started to spasm. "Please, it hurts. Everything hurts. Make it quick."

  My Zen-like state evaporated. He was brave. Even I could see that.

  I pointed the rifle at his face, and he closed his eyes. I leaned my head back and pulled the trigger. Blood, skull and brain splattered on the ground.

  I surveyed the bodies at my feet. None moved.

  Jenny stood staring at the bodies, her mouth open. She'd done well, made me proud. I walked up to her and took her hand in mine. "Jenny?"

  She was staring at the bodies like she'd stared at the blanket on which we first had sex.

  "Jenny, please don't look." I placed my hand on her cheek and pulled her face towards mine.

  "I killed him."

  "You had to."

  "I killed him."

  She was not as tough as I hoped. She could shoot straight but that was it. The mother I'd killed earlier that week was made of more resilient material. Jenny was a gentle flower; I should have kept her at home. But, I reminded myself, if I hadn't I would be dead.

  "We have to get going. Don't look," I said and picked up her rifle, placed it in her hand. There had been too many gunshots. If the others were a mile away they would have heard something and be coming soon.

  I led her some way up past the bodies. Told her to wait and went back to strip them of ammunition. My backpack was already heavy, but that was fine with me. I packed two of their rifles and pulled the other two apart, exposing the bolts and firing pins, and threw those as far as I could. Then I ran back to Jenny who stood teetering.

  I took her hand and walked her out of the orange-rock-alleyway that now stunk of blood and flesh and shit. Once we got to higher ground there was a narrow trail that led around a cylindrical four hundred foot peak. The land here was an orange-brown color, and there weren't many other choices but the narrow trail. I led Jenny down the path until it opened up on the other side of the peak. Here the ground dropped off rapidly. In front of us, I could see a couple of shacks that lay in a natural divot under the shadow of the peak. I moved back behind a large rock with Jenny. She looked scared of me.

  "Are you going to hurt them?" she asked.

  What could I say? "I don't know. If they find those bodies they'll come after us. We won't be able to hide. Always looking over our backs. Do you understand?" I said. They wouldn't forgive me. Looking in her eyes I knew that she wouldn't either.

  She shook her head. I could see the child with moods had returned. There wasn't going to be a way into her mind, but I had to try. The night before had been so sweet.

  "I have to go and at least see what's going on. You stay here. Okay? If some one comes fire in the air once." I took her hands, but they were limp. I wanted to beat on her chest and wake her up from her little world. This was real life, and she needed to face it. Please... Don't.

  I left her and entered the depression with shacks, three clustered around a central area that had the burn marks of a fire pit. My eyes adjusted to the shadows. The walls of the surrounding rock rose up ten feet on all sides—a perfect sanctuary. The smells of life were everywhere. Voices came from a shack; one was low, calm. There was a plot full of budding plants not too far away. I backed into a dark co
rner. The entire compound was about twenty by twenty yards wide. I watched as a father came out with his wife. Behind them was a little girl. Three, like the boy had said.

  I raised my rifle. Was this the only way into the future? If I took this step there would be no turning back. Bill's face, innocent like a child flashed.

  Had he let me live?

  I would never know.

  Please... Don't.

  What had I become? And if this was what it took to survive, to live long enough to pass on my genes to my offspring, did I want it?

  But Jenny—the look in her eyes—was all I cared about.

  Please... Don't.

  What a choice.

  *

  Jenny was right where I left her.

  "Let's go," I said and reached for her hand.

  She pulled her hand away from me. Her eyes were blank. That frightened me. I would rather have seen the passion of anger than that. We walked back, past the bodies, through the night, stumbled over rocks until we were back in our cave. She went inside and fell asleep.

  It was dawn, so I stayed up and marked what was what on the map.

  I looked at the horizon we'd just come back from. There was nothing, not a speck. I looked in the other direction. Nothing again. I went back to the cave and rearranged some metal sheets so we had rooms, a place for the shower. I drew a contraption that could provide showers for us. I missed Jenny's smile. And I wished that I hadn't killed Bill and Paul. And all the others.

  And what would death be but a sweeter caress than what I'd experienced?

  As evening came I went back in the cave and watched Jenny sleeping. She crouched in the fetal position and mumbled in some far away dreamland. Her face crunched up and I lay down beside her and placed my arm over her. She rolled around and placed her head on my chest. This affection jolted my heart, then stroked my insides like a mother. I felt proud, happy. She had forgiven me.

  I closed my eyes and fell into a deep sleep. In the cool of my dreams I ran into Carol, she smiled and admonished me for not waiting for her. How? I begged. There was nothing else I could have done.

  Always going off on your own. She shook her head. I reached for her hand and she vanished. Bill took her place.