The Handbook of Conflict Resolution (3rd ed)

by Peter T Coleman

  In addition to music, games, drama, or storytelling, there are other ways to engage emotion in learning, such as ritual clapping, cheers, chants, or songs to mark the beginning or completion of a project. It is important for adults to model a love of learning, letting children share the ideas and activities that excite them. Even as preschoolers, it is important for students to show and discuss their work with one another and tell what they like and dislike about it. In seemingly simple ways, emotions can be elicited as part of the learning experience, resulting in greater recall and accuracy about the information learned (McGaugh and others, 1995).

  Empathy.

  As rage fuels aggression, so empathy inspires understanding, sharing, helping, and cooperation. There is some question about when empathy can first be seen to emerge. Some theorists believe empathy begins in infancy, when even a two-week-old child may cry upon hearing another child cry, while others feel that empathy at this stage is an innate reflex. The second stage in developing empathy is commonly understood to be comforting behavior, which occurs during the second year of life. At this age, children begin to understand that it is the other person who is distressed; this understanding may lead them to engage in efforts to comfort. Because a two-year-old is not skilled at recognizing the other person’s point of view, the child’s attempt usually reflects what she herself finds comforting, such as giving Mommy a toy or her blankie if she sees that her mother is distressed. The third stage occurs roughly at three to five years of age when a child shows more empathy to the distress of a friend than to other children who do not fall into this category (Farver and Branstetter, 1994). Also at this age, increasing language skills enable children not only to empathize with people in stories, pictures, or film, but also to take into account differences between their own level of knowledge and that of children younger than themselves. This indicates less egocentrism than presumed by Piaget.

  Although children appear to have some level of innate capacity for certain social-emotional responses, such as empathy and perspective taking, these are frequently hit-or-miss skills unless the child is effectively tutored by an adult. Since interpersonal understanding is influenced more by experience than by age, a three-year-old can be at a higher developmental level than a six-year-old.

  Perspective Taking.

  Although preschoolers may no longer be totally centered on their own actions but also influenced by external reality, they still assume that other people see things the way they do. While we know that there is age variation in development, a good general rule is to approach perspective taking as being difficult for children at this age.

  For example, my godson’s three-year-old child, Sam, shares almost all his toys with his playmate Isabella when she visits; however, he refuses to let her use his Batman action figure in games involving the Bat Cave. This he considers fair because it follows his own interests in the matter: I want to play with Batman. The situation provides an excellent opportunity for an adult to assist in Sam’s development of emotional awareness by helping him focus on what Isabella is feeling (“What does she feel, Sam, when she can’t play with Batman?”) and what will happen as a result.

  Obviously before Sam can understand and view the situation from Isabella’s perspective, he must be able to recognize his own emotions and their link to his behavior. Sam, like other children his age, needs to be assisted in the task of identifying what he is feeling in different situations. With guidance, Sam will then be able to make the transition to identifying what Isabella feels when he refuses to share the desirable toy and the potential outcomes of this behavior: Isabella may decide to end their playtime and go home.

  Children do not learn skills merely by observation; they require instruction in cause-and-effect sequences before they can separate right from wrong or unintentional from intended harm. Equally important, children must learn empathy and perspective taking before they can become aware of the effects their actions have on others. These lessons need to be conveyed through gentleness and kindness; turning an amoral child into a moral one need not include inducing lifelong guilt.

  Two important ways to promote social-emotional learning of empathy and perspective taking as well as other prosocial behaviors include explicit modeling by adults and induction. Modeling refers to adults behaving in ways they desire the child to imitate. Induction refers to parents and teachers giving explanations that appeal to the child’s pride, desire to be grown up, and concern for others.

  Developing Relationships

  Equal peer relationships in early childhood give children a chance to experience reciprocity, which in turn provides an opportunity for them to learn to identify emotions in themselves and others, a prerequisite skill for developing empathy. Empathy is a factor in promoting perspective taking (the ability to analyze a situation in terms of emotions, intentions, and reasons from both sides of an issue), moral development and, ultimately, the ability to constructively problem solve.

  Self-Control.

  Self-control is a critical skill that enables a child to inhibit his initial impulses, for example, to stop before acting and think about what you’ll do. (See also chapter 13.) Basically, there are four forms of inhibition to be mastered (Maccoby, 1980):

  Movement. Prior to age six or seven, children have difficulty in stopping an action already in progress.

  Emotions. Before age four, young children have little control over the intensity of their emotions.

  Reflection. Before age six or so, children commonly fail to engage in the reflection necessary to perform well.

  Gratification. Children under twelve often have difficulty in refusing immediate gratification to wait for a better choice later.

  Discipline.

  When stressful methods of discipline (arguing, yelling, and overly harsh punishment) are used with preschoolers, the brain becomes rewired so as to make children prone to impulsiveness, overarousal, and aggressiveness. Children exposed to such harsh methods are often especially in need of remedial help to acquire the emotional literacy skills necessary to understand the nonverbal behavior of others correctly (Jensen, 2003).

  Internalization of standards of right and wrong depends on consistency about clearly stated rules, consistent and appropriate praise for following rules, and consistent, appropriate discipline when rules are broken. Most important, internalization depends on loving parents who are loved in return by the child; discipline has a much greater positive effect from a loving parent than from a distant or unloving one. If a child is motivated through love to adopt his parents’ standards, he is likely to remember the rules prior to potential misbehavior and, anticipating his parents’ disappointment if he breaks the rules, resists engaging in that behavior. But if punishment is used as the primary deterrent to misbehavior, the child learns that the objective is not to get caught.

  Summary.

  Differentiating cause and effect, empathy, and perspective taking, along with self-regulation and problem solving, are among the key elements of positive conflict management. Modern theorists and researchers find the young child to be more capable of learning these skills than did their classic predecessors. Indeed, there is evidence that the most effective, long-lasting, and pervasive acquisition of these skills occurs in early childhood, a time when the brain is most receptive to learning.

  The ECSEL Program

  The Peaceful Kids Educating Communities in Social-Emotional Learning (ECSEL) Program (Sandy and Boardman, 2006), was developed at the International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution, Teachers College, Columbia University. The four-year longitudinal study to develop and validate this program supports a fluid sequence in cognition and learning: the authors found that stage-like changes in early childhood are rarely straightforward. The context and emotional state of children at particular times determine whether they act according to a new stage or reflect characteristics of an earlier one. This fluidity appears to be true at later developmental stages as well.

  In the ECSEL cur
riculum, emotional, social, and intellectual growth was promoted through an integrated approach involving parents, preschool staff, and children in a shared learning network. Researchers developed curriculum material based on neurological research relating to the brain’s optimal functioning and brain-based learning strategies. ECSEL staff did extensive on-site role modeling and assisted parents and teachers in doing the same at home and in the classroom. We encouraged parents and teachers to set rules and discuss them with children before actual implementation. We also helped them plan cooperative discipline techniques, that is, assist the child to understand not only her own feelings but the other person’s feelings and perspective as well and to fully grasp the consequences of her actions.

  Children themselves were introduced to vocabulary related to feelings, cooperation, and problem solving. This vocabulary was amplified and extended to various situations and emotional contexts. It began with four basic emotions: sad, angry, scared, and happy. Through ongoing experiences in the preschool classroom and in activities sent home with parents, children learned to recognize both verbal and nonverbal cues as to how other people feel in various situations. The four basic emotions were later amplified through pantomime, stories, puppet shows, discussion about situations in which these emotions occur, and role plays involving both adults and children to include complex feelings such as disappointment, embarrassment, joy, and excitement.

  Parents were encouraged to read extensively to their children: the program provided stories, games, and word exercises as take-home activities for parents to use with their children, thus providing home reinforcement for skills introduced in the classroom. We also talked with parents about turning storybook time into an expanded emotional and cognitive learning experience for their children, for example, by questioning the child about the feelings of the character in the book, what the character might be thinking, alternative actions the character might have taken, and how to evaluate actions and their consequences.

  The ECSEL program used a spiraling effect to review or teach older preschoolers what the younger preschoolers are taught in their basic program. We never finished a topic but revisited it at other levels of complexity according to the child’s ability to understand.

  In addition to spiraling, revisiting material learned at other levels of complexity, the ECSEL program used scaffolding in parent take-home activities. Scaffolding is a process whereby an adult creates a supportive guideline for thinking about problems through a series of questions. One particularly popular scaffolding activity involved using three sets of picture cards (large ones in the classroom and a smaller version for take-home use) illustrating a situation. According to the particular picture shown, the task was to identify the feelings shown, the consequences likely to follow different actions, and ways to resolve two incompatible desires. For example, if a colorful drawing showed one child teasing another, the question posed to the child was, “If someone teases you, what should you do?” Children were encouraged to list as many potential actions as they wished before the adult assisted them in determining what behavior might be most acceptable to both children and the situation. As with other activities and learning tasks, the picture cards were designed for relevance to the children’s interests and experiences. One reason for this is to assist in facilitating a connection between the new information and existing neural sites in the brain, thus bolstering the likelihood of retention in memory.

  To teach about cooperation, we structured tasks where it was necessary for the children to work together to achieve success. Children enjoyed motor tasks such as creating group drawings, building structures together with interlocking blocks, and balancing activities (two children carrying a small object on a board). To be successful in these tasks, children were required to work together in a constructive way. As frequently as possible, we engaged the teaching staff in leading small groups of children in such activities as communication go-rounds, pantomime, puppetry, and structuring role plays and skits to build children’s skill in such behaviors as listening, sharing, and taking turns.

  A problem-solving strategy was presented in our SOAR model:

  Stop and think.

  Open up and tell how you feel.

  Ask what you (and the other person) can do.

  Resolve the situation together.

  Puppet scenarios were enacted to show ways of achieving a goal, demonstrating positive and negative behavior. For example, aggressive behavior such as that of two children fighting may lead to both of them failing to achieve their goals. Shy or fearful behavior could end in the child’s failing to even attempt to achieve a goal. The best approach was to assertively ask for or work toward one’s goals. If that failed, then it was time to think of another way to attain what is wanted or needed. Including negative consequences was essential because children do not intuitively know which actions are likely to lead to a negative outcome. However, in modeling or demonstrating negative behaviors, it is important to assume a quiet, understated manner, since children are often attracted to loud, rude behavior and will imitate what has excited their interest. Positive behavior is best shown in a lively, celebratory way, since children are naturally drawn to noisy, action-filled events.

  ECSEL was evaluated over a two-year period in a study design that included three conditions: a parent-teacher-child group, a teacher-child group, and a no-program group (where the program was given the following year). Results significantly showed that the parent-teacher-child group experienced the greatest increase in skill development. For example, in comparison to classrooms, where only teaching staff were engaged in skill development, we found that the combined efforts of parents and teachers resulted in the most significant gains in children’s assertiveness, cooperation, and self-control. Children in the parent-teacher-child group also showed a significant decline in externalizing (aggressive) and internalizing (withdrawn, moody) behaviors. In classrooms with parent participation, preschool staff and parents were in agreement concerning the positive effects for the children. Preschool staff was also likely to integrate the ECSEL curriculum throughout the day’s activities. Parents increased in authoritative (as opposed to authoritarian) parenting practices; they remained in control while respecting their children and recognizing that the youngsters too were entitled to a number of rights. Parents explained rules and decisions to children while also considering the child’s point of view—even if that view was not accepted in the end result. Authoritarian practices (rigid obedience to strict rules) and permissive practices (little structure and low control over children) also diminished among parents in the ECSEL program.

  MIDDLE CHILDHOOD

  Middle and later developmental periods require increasingly complex conflict resolution and social skills development. Motivation, interests, and influences change dramatically from early childhood to middle childhood, adolescence, and, later, adulthood. Each developmental age has its own external influences and unique problems, which require their own type and level of instruction to promote skill development. A lesson learned within the context of one age must be revisited and revised to meet the needs of another.

  One of the major differences between early childhood and middle childhood is that children dramatically reduce the amount of time they spend with parents and other adults and increase the time they spend with peers. As a consequence of decreased adult supervision, children find themselves with greater personal responsibility for their behavior and often need to work out disputes for themselves. These conflict management experiences are an opportunity for children to master more sophisticated cognitive and social skills. Other differences include expanded social contexts in which to function and increased responsibility for participation in their own education.

  Stage Theories of Middle Childhood

  Piaget observed that from ages seven or eight to approximately nine through eleven, the imaginary play of early childhood gives way to play with largely unquestioned rules. Rule-based games are an opportunity for children
to experience the give-and-take of negotiation, settling disagreements, and making and enforcing rules. In this way, the child comes to understand that social rules provide a structure for cooperating with others. (See Selman’s reciprocal reflective level in table 18.2.) Erikson viewed this time of life as the period when children confront the task of learning to be competent at activities valued by adults and peers: success in this endeavor creates a sense of industry, and failure results in a sense of inferiority. (See table 18.4.) Successful conflict management in middle childhood helps children create and maintain peer friendships, thus promoting a sense of competency and industry.

  Table 18.4 Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages in Development

  Source: Adapted from Erikson (1950).

  Stage Development Themes and Challenges

  First year “Trust versus mistrust”: Infants learn to trust or mistrust others to care for their basic needs.

  Second year “Autonomy versus shame and doubt”: Two-year-olds learn to exercise their will and to control themselves. Otherwise, they become unsure of themselves, doubting that they can do things for themselves.

  Third to sixth year “Initiative versus guilt”: Children learn to initiate their own activities, become purposeful, and enjoy their accomplishments. When they are frustrated by adults in their attempts to initiate activities, they feel guilty for their attempts to become independent.