The Handbook of Conflict Resolution (3rd ed)

by Peter T Coleman

  The Gottmans’ Conflict Blueprints

  In Gottman method therapy, three blueprints are necessary to help couples cope constructively with conflict. The first blueprint, the Gottman-Rapoport blueprint, replaces the old Guerney “active listening” approach to conflict (Guerney, 2005). A blueprint is a guide for changing the nature of conflict discussions so that they are more constructive and less divorce prone.

  Gottman-Rapoport Conflict Blueprint.

  In the Gottman-Rapoport blueprint, partners take turns as speaker and listener, and each partner is equipped with a clipboard and pen. There are bullet points (requirements) for both the speaker and the listener. The reason for also regulating the behavior of the speaker is the discovery that even in happy marriages, the same dysfunctional sequences emerge if conflict begins with attack.

  There are two steps in this blueprint, understanding and compromise. In the understanding step, Rapoport’s principle is used: postpone persuasion and problem solving until each person can state the partner’s position to the partner’s satisfaction. The speaker needs to speak without attack or blame, use I-statements to talk about feelings about a specific situation, and express only very specific and explicit positive needs, that is, what one needs rather than what one does not need. The listener takes notes, postpones his or her own agenda, summarizes, and validates.

  In part 2 the couple uses what we call the two-oval method to reach compromise. In this method each partner specifies what his or her minimal core need is (i.e., what he or she cannot compromise on) and also specifies what he or she is flexible about. Then proposals for compromise that honor both core needs are entertained.

  The role of physiological flooding (versus self-soothing) is stressed in this blueprint, and pulse oximeters are used as a measure of peripheral autonomic arousal. The Heart Math emwave biofeedback device is prescribed for people who are physiologically dysregulated by anxiety or anger. The Gottman-Rapoport conflict blueprint differs from active listening in that the behavior of both the speaker and the listener are regulated.

  Aftermath of a Fight or a Regrettable Incident.

  In this blueprint, a past fight, emotional injury, or unfortunate incident is discussed following a five-step process:

  Listing what each person felt without explaining why by reading aloud the feelings one had from a list of fifty-three feelings

  Taking turns as listener and speaker describing each subjective reality about what happened and what each person needed during the incident

  Describing the triggers that escalated the conflict for each person and the history of these triggers in one’s past

  Taking responsibility for one’s role in the incident and apologizing

  Constructive plans for dealing with this kind of incident should it arise again

  Dreams-within-Conflict Blueprint.

  This blueprint is designed to deal with perpetual problems that are not in a quiescent state we call dialogue but instead are gridlocked. In the dreams-within-conflict blueprint, designed for perpetual issues that are gridlocked without compromise, each person takes turns answering a set of six questions designed to provide understanding of the existential meaning of each person’s position. For example, a conflict about money may really be a conflict about what each person dreams about with respect to money. For one partner it may represent security, whereas for the other it may represent freedom or adventure. In our experience, 86 percent of couples move from gridlock to dialogue in this exercise within the ASL workshop.

  The Need for Follow Through: Deepening the Gottman Method Workshop

  A two-day workshop, The Art and Science of Love (ASL), plus couples’ therapy have been shown to be effective in improving marital satisfaction and reducing destructive conflict, and these effects last at least a year. However, a substantial minority of couples take the ASL and use the material subsequent to the ASL, and yet find they could benefit from additional support and practice. With that in mind, A.G. and M.W., both certified Gottman therapists and trainers, designed an additional two-day program, Deepening the Gottman Method workshop, that took the work of the ASL and expanded it into new approaches to strengthen the skills taught. The purpose is to help couples integrate and absorb the skills learned in the ASL, books, DVDs, audio, and CDs from the Gottman Institute.

  One of the major components of Gottman’s research, the ASL and the two-day Deepening the Gottman Method workshop, is to assist couples in resolving their conflicts. The major steps are to help them learn to listen to one another more clearly, help them learn to not move on in the conversation for resolution until they each understand the other’s position, and help them become better friends and establish a more positive regard for one another.

  The Deepening the Gottman Method workshop follows the model of the Sound Relationship House theory. The first exercises are designed to practice deeper understanding of each other on various issues and practice the speaker-listener model. Admiration and respect are emphasized. Turning toward rather than away from bids for emotional connection is a necessary ingredient. The workshop leaders present information and tools on speaking clearly about what participants are thinking, feeling, and wanting and how to listen. The leaders then explore the four horsemen of the apocalypse in depth with various exercises, so the partners can recognize how the four horsemen show up in themselves. Demonstrations follow that help couples to recognize when they are flooded. Additional opportunities for self-soothing are provided at several times during each day, so that couples can integrate this rhythm into their patterns with each other.

  Workshop leaders also provide a role-play demonstration of the aftermath of a fight or regrettable incident, and then give the couples forty-five minutes to practice this skill. The skill involves a five-step process: (1) listing feelings, (2) presenting perceptions of what happened with the listener summarizing and validating the speaker, (3) identifying triggers that escalated the fight and telling the story of why these are triggers, (4) taking responsibility for one’s part in the fight, and (5) constructive solutions. Couples are also given a chance to practice a shortened version of the aftermath of a fight so that they can use it when their time is limited. A DVD created by the Gottman Institute demonstrates the aftermath of a fight intervention. With multiple opportunities to both observe and practice this intervention during the workshop, it is learned well, since one of the goals of the workshop is to be able to integrate the skills and take them home.

  The main focus of several hours of the workshop is the dreams-within-conflict concept, a major tool in conflict resolution. All the main points about handling conflict are reviewed before the conflict conversation: softened start-up emphasizing the importance of expressing feelings, thoughts, and desires without criticism or contempt; the importance of repair early and often; and a quick review of the four horsemen. Couples are then asked to choose an ongoing perpetual problem that both are willing to discuss.

  One of the difficulties observed is that couples often have trouble letting go of their own agenda when they are in the listening mode. The example we use that couples have said is effective for them is as follows. To demonstrate how to listen better, a diagrammed circle is presented. On the inside of the circle is a list of words describing the facts, truth, and reality. A stick figure is then drawn on each side of the circle to represent that each person has his or her own view of the truth, the facts, and the reality of the perpetual problem. Arrows are drawn from each stick figure to the other figure’s list of words, demonstrating that empathy takes giving up one’s own point of view, temporarily, in order to grasp the other’s point of view. The presenters briefly role-play this concept by looking at each other and describing what each sees, which are different parts of the room. Both views are obviously correct, although different. The leaders teach that every partner has a unique history, culture, agenda, and experience, and understanding those of the other partner becomes essential before proceeding any further. Understanding before compromise o
r finding a solution is stressed.

  There is a period of time for each partner to discuss his or her point of view. Listening carefully is stressed. Questions are given for the listener to ask in order to help the speaker go more deeply into his or her point of view, feelings, and history on the topic. The listener is encouraged to give adequate feedback so the speaker knows he or she is understood and not misunderstood. Then the partners switch roles. After both have understood the other’s point of view fully, the partners work on compromise using tools taught in the ASL workshop.

  The workshop concludes with an affirmations exercise. The intention is to provide the experience of expressing positive regard even in the space of working through difficult conflict and strengthening couples’ friendship.

  The following is an example of how a couple was helped by this workshop: The couple needed assistance in recovering from an affair. The husband was forty-two years old, the wife twenty-seven; they had two children. He was a professional, working full time, and she was a stay-at-home mom. Some months prior to coming into session, he had had an affair. Convinced that he might do it again, she decided that the only choice was a divorce. He was distraught and was certain that the maintenance of the marriage would be the optimum thing for them as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. She finally agreed to work on the relationship under the condition that they meet weekly with a couples’ therapist. They both wanted to understand why he engaged in that behavior.

  They began couples’ therapy. They also decided very quickly to attend the Art and Science of Love workshop and explored the effects of the affair using the tools and exercises presented there. They also decided to continue their repair by attending the Deepening the Gottman Method workshop. Within the context of the workshop, the couple continued to explore the emotional distress that the affair had on both of them. Each followed the clear instruction repeated often from the presenters—that listening and understanding the other was primary in handling their differences. At each step with each exercise presented on the Sound Relationship House model, they addressed the affair. With time, it was possible to discuss their sexual relationship. Each partner was able to practice listening and understanding, even on this difficult issue. Each also practiced editing out the four horsemen and doing repair as quickly as they were aware repair was needed. The listener was focused on understanding the speaker, knowing the listener would have an opportunity to be the speaker. Both understood that convincing the other and arguing on their own behalf was not effective.

  With these understandings, practiced in sessions with their counselor, practiced in the ASL, and practiced in the Deepening workshop many times, they were able to speak clearly and with respect about their sexual relationship. They realized that their sexual relationship had felt incomplete and unsatisfactory for each of them, but neither had been willing to discuss that with the other. In the course of this healing and rebuilding of trust, they understood that using the communication tools they had learned was essential to their success.

  This couple has now learned to stop their communication when they are not feeling heard or understood. Each can use a repair to say, “Stop; let’s start over.” There is commitment that the listener will try to understand the speaker without imposing his or her own misinterpretations on what is being said. They are practicing how to suspend judgment and deepen understanding rather than reflexively reacting to what the other is saying. They are also working on knowing when either partner is flooded and taking a break before continuing their conversation.

  Through the workshop, the couple has reestablished their emotional relationship and moved toward rebuilding trust. They also understand that the affair and its consequences will probably resurface over the ensuing years and are prepared to continue to work through any of the hurt that might be triggered. What has made the difference is their ability to listen fully to one another when the related matters surface.

  In another example, a couple who had been to the ASL came to the workshop. They had learned many tools and new ways to think about themselves and their relationship and had practiced many times, including looking over the manual from the ASL together. An event happened in their lives that caused each of them to forget their new learnings and experiences. She went into criticism and contempt; he used defensiveness and then stonewalling. That was the condition in which they came to the workshop. In other words, they were not talking to each other. Both said they were tired of what was happening and were not sure they would stay together. They had already worked diligently on their relationship and it wasn’t working. Both were obviously distressed.

  The couples seemed to have some trust and hope in the process of the workshop, because they were very present as information was being shared. However, although they were involved with the process, they were not involved with each other. They were willing to do the first exercise related to love maps, which was to choose an area of their lives not related to their relationship to discuss, such as health or friends. They seemed distant and disconnected but willing to participate. Next, they were able to practice the speaker-listener model because they were familiar with it and the presenters’ instructions were specific and repeated often.

  This couple continued to participate with each of the next sections, paying close attention during the present related exercises. In the afternoon, the four horsemen were presented in detail with questionnaires given to each person so each can look closely at his or her own behavior and help identify their own tendencies toward criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The wife in this couple realized that she had been extremely critical and contemptuous of her husband. She was able to say to one of the staff assistants helping them that she now realized that under stress, she did not know how to say anything to her husband that was not critical and contemptuous: “I don’t know how not to be contemptuous when he does something wrong. All the things he has done wrong lately and forever come rushing into my head. Then I want to tell him what a jerk he has been and is.” That was a big opening experience for her. The Gottman-trained assistant helped her see that when she was under stress, she moved quickly into the negative perspective and that’s when the list of everything her partner had done wrong came out. She was reminded that when this happens, at these times she was probably flooded and needed to self-soothe, and then examine what just happened that warranted repair, and to then voice her needs without criticism and contempt. Now she was able to apologize to her husband.

  Meanwhile, the husband realized that when he was criticized even slightly, he became defensive and stonewalled his wife right away, which caused her to become more critical and then contemptuous. He understood the effect of his stonewalling on his wife and apologized to her. They were still distant, but the healing had begun. Each of these steps was part of the repair this couple needed in order to begin to reconnect with each other. In the aftermath of a fight exercise, both partners were able to state their own feelings and be listened to. They discussed what happened for each of them when they felt compelled to stonewall one another. As they talked to each other, the distance between them began to melt.

  On the second day of the workshop, the couple was finally able to listen to one another in depth using the dreams-within-conflict exercise. Both spoke clearly about their dreams, their distress, and what they were hoping for. Each felt listened to by the other. By the end of the second practice session, they were holding hands and looking at each other eye to eye, which they had avoided until that point. By lunchtime, they were laughing with each other. They proceeded to do the other exercises in the afternoon and at the end of the day were committed to their relationship and each other. Both had been able to recognize, own, and apologize for their part in the disruption of the relationship. They recognized that when their emotions were triggered, the best course was to first get clear on what they were thinking, feeling, and needing and then communicate these with each other in the speaker-listener format, editing out the four hors
emen. If they got into a fight, they could practice the aftermath of a fight and repair the relationship. They no longer felt hopeless, powerless, nor distressed. Like all participants, this couple took home a box that contained all the tools they had learned in the workshop, with instructions to discuss their favorites with one another.

  Quantitative study has not yet been conducted on the effect of the Deepening workshop. However, anecdotally many couples have reported that practicing the speaker-listener dreams-within-conflict exercise has transformed their relationship. They have replaced blame, judgment, and distance with understanding, compassion, and respect for one another. They have been able to deepen their love maps and to stay connected with one another, verbally and nonverbally expressing admiration and respect for one another. They have been able to recognize when they are flooded, and to then take a break and self-soothe, using a smorgasbord of ways to self-soothe that works for each of them. They can practice repair, early and often, and get back on track in their communication. They also practice the aftermath of a fight when needed, long form or short form, and appreciate that tool as well.

  In summary, therapists sometimes believe conflict is the enemy of long and happy relationships. It is not. Conflict in couples is common, normal, and necessary. It highlights differences between individual partners and provides a pathway to understanding that can deepen intimacy. The key is how conflict is managed. As the research reveals, conflict conducted with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and blame is destructive. Conflict expressed through personal self-disclosure, clear articulation of needs, awareness of each partner’s viewpoints, and willingness to compromise builds the scaffolding for interpersonal safety, friendship, and connection—admirable goals for all relationships.