The Art of Breathing

by T. J. Klune

  “And then be forced to eat Large Tom’s meat,” Kori says. “I am so sad for you.”

  “You don’t sound like it.”

  “That’s because I’m really not.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “For?”

  “Making you march and chant with beach hippies.”

  “Yes, there is that. And?”

  “And the getting arrested part.”

  “Hmm. Yes. That.”

  “If it makes you feel better,” I say hopefully, “I’m sure you’re going to look amazing on the news.”

  The barest of smiles cracks her lips. “I do look good today, don’t I?”

  “Gorgeous.”

  “Flatterer. I suppose now we should discuss the elephant in the room.”

  “We don’t have to,” I say hastily, knowing where this is going. I give serious consideration to making a run for Canada, handcuffed or not.

  She arches an eyebrow at me. “I believe we do.”

  “If I don’t end up in jail, I’ll find a way to smuggle cigarettes as currency so you have anything you ever want.”

  “Why would I be the one to go to jail?” she asks.

  “You look the type.”

  “Wow. As nice as that sounds, I’d rather talk about Dominic.”

  Shit. “Isn’t it a nice day out?”

  “Quite. So, in thinking back about our past conversations regarding our arresting officer, who you pined for like a lovesick twelve-year-old girl, I do believe you neglected to mention that he was built like a fucking brick shithouse and is literally the hottest thing to ever walk the face of the earth.”

  I groan. Loudly. “Can we not do this now? He might hear you!”

  She glances over her shoulder to BJ’s. “Not quite. He’s still inside talking to the manager.”

  “Well, then, I can hear you, and I don’t want to do this now. Or ever.” I’m pretty sure I can figure out Canadian money. I am technically considered a genius, after all. Well, except for the getting-arrested part.

  “Has he always been that big?”

  “Oh, look. That cloud looks like a mongoose.”

  “No, it doesn’t. Focus, Tyson.”

  “Fine. Yes. He’s always been big. He’s always been hot. He’s always been fucking Dominic, and I don’t know how this day can possibly get any worse.”

  Except, that’s not quite true, is it? Yes, he’s always been big, but he was awkward. Kind and sweet, but awkward. His hands and feet always seemed bigger than the rest of him. And yes, he was always attractive, but in a boyish way. The gentle giant with the broken voice. That has all been replaced by a grown man who’s impossibly large and surrounded by a palpable air of authority.

  And, wonder of all wonders, my dick is starting to get hard. That… is unfortunate. And ridiculous. And fucked up. Goddamn hormones! Go the fuck away!

  I wonder, it muses, how those arms would feel? The scrape of that scruff on his face against your neck? The weight of him hovering above you? Obviously, he’d have to leave on most of the uniform. And the handcuffs could still be involved.

  “This can’t possibly end well,” I mutter.

  “What’s that?” Kori asks.

  I don’t think Kori needs to know that I’m sitting outside a restaurant contributing to the downfall of American health standards in the sun with my hands cuffed behind my back, getting an erection while having unbidden dirty thoughts about my former best friend who I, for all intents and purposes, cut off from my life because I thought I was the only one for him and found out otherwise.

  If I were a country singer, that’d be my first song: “I Don’t Eat Meat Unless It Belongs to the Man of My Dreams.”

  I am so pathetic.

  “Today,” I say instead. “Bear is going to murder me.”

  “If Otter doesn’t do it first.”

  “Or Creed.”

  “Or Anna.”

  “Or their parents.”

  “Probably even JJ.”

  I sigh. “Fun.”

  “Look sharp,” Kori says. “Here comes Captain Steroids.”

  And so he does. I try to look away, I try to close my eyes against the sight, but I can’t. It’s been four years since I’ve seen him, and it’s like there’s been a drought all that time and it’s finally raining. I can’t look away even if I try.

  His shadow hits me first, rising up my legs and over my knees, hitting my chest and face. He blocks out the sun as he stands before us, looking down, eyes hidden again behind those mirror shades. His expression is unreadable. But somehow, even though I can’t see his eyes, I know he’s looking at me.

  Seconds go by, I’m sure, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I almost forget that Kori’s sitting right next to me. I almost forget that my life is most certainly over. I almost forget everything aside from the fact that I breathe, but I can’t catch my breath. I can’t catch my breath because all I can see is him, all I can feel is him, all I can breathe is him.

  No, I think. I am done with this. I am over this.

  Sure you are, it laughs. Because this is the normal reaction of someone over it.

  “Get up,” Dominic says gruffly. “Both of you.”

  Somehow, I do. I push myself up with my legs and stand before him. He towers over me, and there’s no doubt in my mind he’s looking directly at me.

  I feel Kori brush against me as she stands.

  “Follow me,” Dominic says, and then he turns and walks toward the parking lot, where his cruiser sits.

  “Here we go,” Kori says softly.

  I, for once, don’t know what to say.

  WE’RE STILL cuffed in the back of the cop car as we drive through the streets of Seafare. The police radio crackles with language that sounds like every stereotypical cop show I’ve ever seen. He spoke into the handset once, muttering something I couldn’t quite make out, but has said nothing for the last five minutes.

  Naturally, both my brain and mouth want to fill the silence with as much noise as possible. I’m barely able to restrain them both from blaring out the most asinine drivel ever uttered in the back of a police car. There’s a bird outside that I want to talk about. There’s a new hotel I’ve never seen before. I sure am sorry about the window being broken. I don’t know the real names of the hippies. I could help him find them, though! Sure! We could be like detectives and go sleuthing. Why was he at BJ’s? Was he really eating the food there? Does he remember nothing I’ve taught him? Oh, and I’m so fucking sorry for the last four years. And how’s Stacey? How’s your wife? You fucking bastard. You fucking asshole. And I sure would be grateful if Bear didn’t find out about this.

  And on. And on. And on.

  So much wants to come out. So I say none of it.

  It’s Kori who starts. If I wasn’t restrained, I’d probably clock her upside the head. “So, Officer.”

  He says nothing.

  “Shut up,” I hiss at her.

  She ignores me. “I understand you know our Tyson here.”

  Nothing.

  “He coerced me into being here today,” she says with a sweet smile. “I wanted nothing to do with this. I am completely innocent in this matter. If you let me go, I promise I’ll testify against him in court.”

  “Traitor!” I say, scandalized.

  “Darling,” she says. “I do not look good in orange. Specifically prison orange. It makes me look very Hep C. I will throw you under the bus if I have to.” She leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “But I still love you dearly.”

  “This friendship is over,” I announce grandly.

  “No, it’s not,” she says. “You’ll forgive me. You always do.” A weird glint comes into her eyes, the one that means she’s about to say something meant to cause trouble. “You even forgave me when I broke your heart.”

  Oh no.

  She turns back to the front seat. “Yes,” she sighs dramatically. “That’s right, Dominic. May I call you Dominic?” She doesn’t wait for a reply. “Young Tyson
here and I used to be enamored with one another. We were… besotted, one might say. Well, certainly he was. But then, I am a pretty magnificent specimen.”

  “Kori, please stop talking,” I beg.

  Of course she doesn’t. “We dated for a time. Everything was sunshine and flowers and kisses and love, but then I broke his poor little heart. I told him we just weren’t meant to be. I saw something in him that I knew meant we’d be together forever, just not in the way we thought could be possible. We’re kindred spirits, he and I. Attached. He’s my soul mate, but not of the romantic kind.” She winks at me as if this is supposed to make me feel better.

  “Yet you’d give him up to avoid jail time?” Dominic asks. Wonder of all wonders, he sounds almost amused. Gruff and rigid, sure. But almost amused. Kori does have that effect on people. It’s odd, really.

  “In a heartbeat,” she says. “After all, no love is too great that it can’t be given up to avoid prison. I think Benjamin Franklin said that. Or Nelson Mandela. Or Kelly Clarkson. I’m not sure which.”

  “I worry about the future of the world,” I say, “when a fictitious quote is attributed to Nelson Mandela or Kelly Clarkson. That says so much about our generation.”

  “Mouthy little shit, isn’t he?” Kori asks Dominic, like they’re the best of friends.

  “And you dated?” he asks her.

  She nods gravely. “It burned brightly. But like any flame, it eventually went out. It was replaced by something else just as warm. Tyson and I are bound together forever now.”

  “Ugh,” I say to no one in particular. “I feel like I didn’t get a say in the matter.”

  “You didn’t,” she tells me sweetly.

  “I noticed when I looked at your driver’s license…,” Dominic says. “Transgender?”

  “Oh, look how progressive he is!” Kori gushes. “Most people would have asked if I was a drag queen. All they tend to see is a boy in a dress. You’re a lovely man, Dominic. But no. Not transgender. Bigender.”

  I expect Dominic to ask what that means (most people do), so I’m surprised when he nods in understanding. “I’ve met a couple of bigender kids,” he says. “Down at the shelter. They were having a hard go of it, but they were getting the counseling they needed.”

  Kori turns to me and says, “I like him.”

  “Oh joy,” I mumble at her. “My life is now complete.”

  “I certainly don’t know why you and Tyson haven’t kept in touch,” Kori says to Dominic, and I swear the temperature in the car drops at least fifty degrees. “A man such as yourself with your obvious degree of acceptance. Well, you are young, I guess. What are you? Twenty-four? Twenty-five?”

  “He’s twenty-six,” I say without meaning to.

  “Twenty-six!” Kori says cheerfully. “And so big. Oh my, yes. Aren’t you just the biggest thing I ever did see?”

  “I work out,” Dominic says with a shrug. He’s obviously enjoying himself far too much, and I realize the cooler temperature is only coming from me, but it’s radiating throughout the car.

  “I can tell,” she says. “But back to you and Ty. Why is it that you haven’t kept in touch? Obviously it doesn’t have to do with his rampant homosexuality, because you seem to be of the tolerant sort.”

  “Rampant homosexuality?” I ask her. “What does that even mean?”

  “It means,” she explains, “that some might see me as a boy in a dress, but you still take the rainbow cake any day of the week.” She lowers her voice and whispers conspiratorially to Dominic, “He’s so gay even his cock is crooked.”

  “Kori!” I shout.

  “What? It is! That’s why I call you Captain Wicked Hook.”

  That’s an outrageous lie! Well, sort of. It does bend. A little. Don’t look at me that way. “I will murder you,” I promise her.

  But of course, she ignores me completely. “And why wouldn’t I be the one to know? You did have it pressed against me. On multiple occasions. Oh, the shenanigans we seem to find ourselves in!” Her eyes go mockingly wide, her voice fluttering. “Oh! Not that we were actually drinking, officer. Tyson is underage, after all. Did I say wine coolers? I meant orange juice.” It had actually been wine coolers, and I stopped at two when I realized that while drunk, I tend to laugh in such a way that it makes it sound as if I’m a pair of mating kangaroos. It’s not a pretty sound, more of a guttural OOOAAHH OOOAAHH. Go ahead. Google it if you must.

  See? It’s pretty bad when you sound like kangaroos making sexy time. I’ve decided to live a life of sobriety so I don’t end up as a marital aid to get kangaroos in the mood at the San Diego Zoo.

  Dominic tightens his hands around the steering wheel so much his knuckles turn white.

  “So?” Kori asks. “You and Tyson? No? Anything? Well, shucks! I guess I’ll never really know your side. To hear Tyson tell it, you look like the villain indeed.”

  The police car stops. I look out the window, thankful for the distraction. Until I see we’re parked in front of the Green Monstrosity. As if he was waiting for us, Bear opens the front door and glares at us, his arms crossed. Otter appears behind him and says something in his ear, but Bear shakes his head angrily.

  “You called Bear?” I ask Dominic. “Are you out of your fucking mind? You know what he’s going to do to me!”

  “He’ll never stop murdering you, that’s for sure,” Kori says.

  Dominic doesn’t answer me. Instead, he exits the car and shuts the door behind him. He comes to the back and opens the rear door. “Out,” he says.

  Kori glances back at me, but slides out of the car. Dominic turns her around and releases the cuffs. She rubs her wrists as she turns and smiles up at Dominic. “Why, thank you,” she says. “I’ve always wanted to be handcuffed by a big, strong man. I’m so happy you were able to help me with my kink. Do you ever ride the police motorcycle? And if so, a follow-up query: do you happen to have the motorcycle boots? That might just be another fantasy of mine. Especially if they go all the way up to the knees. Maybe you could pull me over sometime?”

  This is not how I pictured my day ending. At all.

  I move to slide out of the car, but Dominic blocks my way. “Not you,” he says, his voice a growl. I try to ignore the shivers that run down my spine. “You stay in there.”

  “They won’t be pressing charges?” I hear Bear ask. He’s standing at the front gate Dominic turns and shakes his head. “No. I talked them down. It wasn’t Tyson who threw the rock through the window. I told them he wouldn’t mind footing the bill for it, though, and to send it to me once it got done and I’d make sure they got reimbursed. The owner and I go back, so he’s fine. As long as Tyson knows he is not allowed in BJ’s.”

  “Like I would ever go back there,” I say indignantly. “Do you know what they do to procure the meat they serve? It’s an affront to all—”

  “Kid, if you value your life, you should give serious consideration to keeping your mouth shut,” Bear says through gritted teeth. He pushes through the gate, and Otter rolls his eyes behind him.

  “I’m nineteen years old! You can’t—”

  “Most nineteen-year-olds don’t get themselves arrested,” he retorts.

  “It was the beach hippies!”

  “Beach hippies?” Otter asks, sounding interested. “Where did you meet beach hippies?”

  “You’re not helping,” Bear tells him.

  “It’s not every day you get to meet beach hippies,” Otter says. He looks sorely disappointed that they aren’t in the car with me.

  “We got them on the Internet, where else?” Kori says. “Today’s beach hippies are very modern, you know.”

  “I demand to speak to my lawyer!” I shout above them. “Get me Anna Thompson on the phone! I know my rights! I am an American citizen!”

  “It’s good to know the volume hasn’t changed,” Dominic says to Bear and Otter.

  “The volume? Why, I’m going to—”

  “Screech like an angry diva?” Kori asks. “G
ood job. You’re already doing it.”

  “When I get my hands on you, I’m—”

  “Such threats!” Kori exclaims. “It seems as if the life of crime has changed you completely.”

  “You going to let him out?” Bear says over my ranting. “I think he’s got the point. Kind of.”

  Dominic shakes his head. “No. I’ve got some things to say to him. I don’t think there’s a better time than when he’s handcuffed and can’t go anywhere.”

  Everyone goes quiet.

  I see Bear stiffen even as my heart thuds in my chest. His gaze darts over to me then back at Dominic. Something flickers across his face that I can’t quite make out. Fear? Anger? I don’t know. I think he’s going to refuse to let me go, and even though I’m nineteen and perfectly capable of answering for myself, a part of me wants him to. To tell me to get out of the car. To make Dominic uncuff me so I can go hide behind my big brother, because, really, I’m just a little guy. I’m just a little guy who is not quite right in the head, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise.

  Bear shrugs off Otter’s arm and walks until he stands in front of Dominic, who has a good six inches and a hundred pounds on him. But Bear has a bug up his ass, and not even the size of the cop in front of him is going to stop him. I feel a moment of fierce pride that comes out of nowhere and almost knocks my breath from my chest. I’m still royally pissed off at him (which is really a lie, because I’m mad at myself more than anyone else—well, myself and the beach hippies), and would rather be anywhere than here. But I can’t take my eyes off him as he glares up at Dominic, and I have to stop myself from shouting “Kick his ass!” I don’t think that would help the situation very much, and I think it’s technically illegal to threaten a cop.

  I glance at Otter to see if he’s going to try to stop Bear, but Otter’s just watching my brother with that look of exasperated love on his face that he does so well. He knows as well as I do that Bear’s going to say what Bear’s going to say, and nobody can tell him otherwise.

  Which probably means Bear is going to make it a billion times worse and embarrass the crap out of me.

  “Now you listen to me,” Bear says in a low voice, his eyes flashing. “You haven’t been around for the past four years and—”