Courage (Strength Series Book 1)

by T. L. Nicholas

  I force myself to breathe normally, focus on my heart rate until it settles back down. I smell, I don’t know what that is actually. Dirt or cedar maybe? And something foul. Almost like manure, but not quite. Maybe I’m in a barn? I focus all of my attention on listening. I hear birds. Songbirds. And wind. It’s very windy and now that I’m calm I realize that when the wind blows especially hard I can feel a breeze across my arms and face. More points for a barn.

  An old one, maybe with a knot out of a board that allows the breeze through, or maybe there are just gaps. I have the urge to scream for help, but I force it down. I don’t know where he is and I don’t want to alert him that I’m awake. I wonder if he’s watching me, but when I strain my ears to try to hear breathing or anything human, there aren’t any alarming sounds that I can make out.

  The thing on my forehead is driving me crazy, it seems to be coming down towards my eye now, so I give in and again rub my face on whatever it is I’m lying on, unable to get it with my shoulder. Tiny, sharp things poke my head, neck, and ear. Tons of them, and I feel the thing on my head smear. I shudder, disgusted. I hope I didn’t just smear a bug all over my face, but at least it’s not crawling on me now.

  I can’t make out any sounds or smells that give me a better idea of where I am, but I am relieved that I’m no longer at Chance’s house. I hope that means Travis had his hands full getting me out of the house and here, and that he left Cadan at the house. Where he’s safe, with Chance. It also means, I hope, that Chance is safe. I focus on that for now, that Chance and Cadan must be safe, as the smells and sounds around me fade away.

  When I wake up again, things sound and smell different. The damp coolness of the late hour is in the air and there are bullfrogs croaking. It’s night. Or at least evening. Considering what time it was when I was making dinner I assume this means he didn’t take me far.

  If it was still day when I got here, and now it’s night, I can’t be more than an hour from Chance’s house. Unfortunately, that isn’t really helping me since I’m not that familiar with places outside of town. I could be anywhere and I would have no idea even if I had been there before. Of course, it wouldn’t matter if I did know, because I have no way of telling anyone.

  The thing is crawling on my head again. Or maybe it’s another one. It must be, because I think I killed the last one. I rub my face on what I’m lying on again, smearing it across my head like the last. It doesn’t disgust me as much this time. My heartbeat hammers in my skull and I’m so nauseous it’s a struggle not to vomit. My throat is a desert, and my stomach snarls its displeasure at missing dinner, though I know I’d never keep it down.

  I can’t see, hear, or feel anything helpful. I wish I knew where he was, what the goal was. Is he just leaving me here to die? To starve to death? Is he coming back? Does he want something from me? If he does, maybe I can make him believe I’ll give it to him and find a way to trick him. But what if he left me here and went back to Chance’s? What if Chance had no idea he was coming, thought I just took off and abandoned Cadan?

  Now wait a minute, he wouldn’t think that. He knows me better than that. I wouldn’t ever willingly leave Cadan. Please God, don’t let him have hurt Cadan. I would know if he had, wouldn’t I? I think I would. I hope I would.

  I try again to figure out where I am. I’m pretty sure I’m in a barn, but where in the barn am I? Am I near the door? In a stall? A loft? I need to know, because it could help me later. If he comes back. I try to ignore the pins and needles and the pain in my head and feel what my hands are tied to. It’s some type of rough cut post, and while that seems to confirm the barn theory, it doesn’t help at all with placement. There are just too many posts in the average barn for me to try to make any sense out of where I could be.

  I attempt to figure out what I’m lying on, rubbing my face across it again. Maybe I’m not on anything except the ground. Maybe the odd smell mixed with manure is the sweet smell of hay? If it is, I’m most likely in a stall. This is good news. As long as I can somehow make sure I’m not being watched, it will make it much easier for me to try to escape. I should have some protection from being seen.

  I strain my eyes, blinking repeatedly, until I can barely make out shapes. It is definitely night time, and very dark, but I can see that I’m in a stall of a barn. The door to the stall is off ahead of me on the left, which is also good. I was afraid it would be straight ahead, but it seems he didn’t want me seen unless someone comes into the stall.

  That part is bad, because at this angle I can’t see into the hall, but good because it raises my hopes that other people come in here. People that don’t know I’m here. People that might help me. Of course, I have no way of telling these people from any other people that may be helping him, so I’m screwed…

  That thought process went well.

  My head hurts so much I can hardly think of anything else. It’s an all-consuming throb that sends tears soldiering down my face, and as each one drops from my chin into the hay below I say their names, “Cadan, Chance, Cadan, Chance,” to pass the time until I fall into peace.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Peace is temporary here, but it comes so often I feel that it’s always right there. Waiting for me. The pain in my head has gotten worse, it aches constantly now, and sometimes I think I might black out from the agony.

  It’s gotten much colder, though I’ve only been here a day or two. I think I smelled the sweet clean of snow this morning, but it could just be my head playing tricks. Travis hasn’t been here I don’t think. At least not while I was awake.

  I don’t think there are any animals here and I don’t like that. If there were animals I would think he’d left me here to break me, to hurt me, to make me come around to what he wants. But the only animal in this barn is me. Maybe some rats, though thank God they haven’t felt the need to introduce themselves yet. He hasn’t brought me food or water, and I have no access to any. The chance that someone will discover me is getting smaller and smaller.

  I can’t get out of these damned knots, I’ve tried and tried until I can feel my own blood slickening them. He left me here to die. It’s odd, because I’ve had what I consider to be a pretty crappy life. There have been many times, when I was homeless and abused, that I probably would have welcomed this. Not anymore.

  I’m not a bad person. I’ve never hurt anyone. At least not intentionally. All I ever wanted was to be able to live my own life. Since I had Cadan I’ve been the happiest a girl could be. I want to live. I want to see him go to preschool, get his first girlfriend, and graduate. I want to hear about his first job, and walk him down the aisle. I don’t even know if that’s how it’s done, but I don’t care.

  I want to be with my baby on the day he finds the love of his life. I want to walk him down the aisle to wait for her, whisper in his ear that he’s going to be fine, that she’s amazing, that of course chose the best for himself.

  I want to be there for my son like no one was ever there for me. I really believe Chance will take care of him for me. That he and his family will step up and do all those things for me and I love that man more than anything for giving me that to hang on to.

  But why, when I finally have something to fight for, do I run out of ways to fight? I’ve been fighting since I was six years old. Fighting to eat, to stay out of my father’s way, to hide how much it hurt not having a mother. I fought to keep warm, and to let all the words that children say about the motherless daughter of an alcoholic roll off my back. I fought to heal myself, physically and mentally, from all of those things, and then from Travis and his family. All I wanted was to be a good mom. To be for Cadan what I never had, and now I’m going to die. That pisses me off.

  This is what I’ve fought for? Survived for? To be that body found in a barn five years from now while everyone makes sad little tsk, tsk sounds about the poor little boy, robbed of his mother. ‘A Tragic End to a Tragic Life’, is what the newspaper will say, if they even pick up the story. I’m not fuc
king tragic, but it’s how I’ll be remembered. There has to be a way out of here.

  Chance must have called the police. He would know it would be Travis. Whether or not he could get them to sit on him is a whole other thing, but at least he would insist it was Travis. He knows me well enough to know I wouldn’t just leave. He will make them look at Travis, and if they won’t I believe he and Jace will look for me themselves.

  Then I remember Travis’ dad is a cop and I don’t feel as good about it, but that’s in Maryland and this is New York. Chance and Jace must have cop friends here. Probably more than Jim. I hope so. I hope they can find me before I die of starvation or thirst, because I seem to be as helpless and pitiful as I once insisted I wasn’t.

  I wake screaming. The pain in my head is overwhelming now. When I open my eyes, I can’t see anything again. I blink repeatedly, trying to see, but I have to stop. It’s too painful. The throbbing is so loud it consumes everything. I hear Travis call me a bitch and try to scramble backwards as I scream at him to leave me alone.

  I feel his hands on my waist and I fight as my head explodes. I still can’t see, so I lash out on touch and feel. Clawing, screaming, kicking. I know I’m weak and ineffective, but it’s all I have. I realize that my hands are free, and I try to fight harder, but I only become weaker. I can’t see or hear now. I could hear a minute ago. He’s killing me, but I can’t feel anything. I sob Cadan’s name as I fight for my life.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I hear a low hum, a buzzing sound. I don’t move, forcing myself to breathe evenly. I know he’s here now. I remember. The pain in my head is still shocking and accompanied by throbbing in my hip, shoulders, wrists, back, and an odd stinging sensation in my hands. I seem to be lying on something soft now. I continue to breathe just like before.

  In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. I hear voices in the distance. More than one. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not so I keep breathing. Keep counting. I smell something sweet that burns my nose. It’s familiar, and different than the smells in the barn, but I can’t place it. One of the voices gets closer, then there’s an answering voice from right next to me.

  “She’s still sleeping,” it says. It sounds like Chance’s deep, silky baritone, but I know that can’t be. My mind is playing tricks on me. I know I’m trapped somewhere and Travis is trying to kill me. The voice must belong to him or someone he knows.

  “You can’t stay here forever, man. They’ll call us when she wakes up. Cadan misses you.” The other voice says, and it sounds like Jace.

  Cadan? He’s talking about Cadan and home. It is Jace. It’s Jace and Chance. Who will call them? I try to open my eyes but I can’t.

  “Cadan misses his mom too. I’m not leaving until she wakes up. She’s going to wake up and she’s not going to be alone when she does.” That is definitely Chance. Cadan’s okay. He’s okay. Why won’t my eyes open?

  I keep trying, but they feel glued shut. I try to open my mouth to tell them I’m awake, same thing, I can’t open my mouth. I try to move my hands, my feet – and feel a hand on mine.

  “Alex? Alex, are you awake? It’s Chance. You’re okay now, you’re safe now. I’m here. You can wake up.” He sounds so hopeful. I must have managed to move something. “Jace, go get the doctor,” he orders.

  I get one eye open a tiny bit and immediately close it against the blinding pain. I hear clicking as he moves away from the bed, then comes back and holds my hand. “I turned the lights down. It won’t hurt so much now. Try again, Alex.”

  It still hurts, but it’s not as bad. Everything is blurry. I know he’s close to me, but he may as well be miles away for as well as I can see him. Then there are other faces above me and he tells me doctor names as they poke at me and ask what I remember. I don’t remember much. When my vision clears, I see that he’s crying. Silent tears are running down his handsome face and my heart cracks right down the center. He squeezes my hand as they assure me that Cadan is fine. He never touched him. When I ask what happened, things seem to get complicated.

  “Travis kidnapped you,” Chance says simply.

  “Well I know that,” I croak, “Why? Where did he take me? How did you find me? How long did it take? Where is he now?”

  Chance and Jace look at each other and I know they’re deciding how much to tell me, and I’m furious. I need to know everything. “Tell me all of it. You don’t get to hold things back that involve me. That happened to me. I have a right to know.” I insist.

  “Alright,” Chance agrees reluctantly, “When the doctor says you can know everything we’ll tell you, but for now you need to rest.” He holds up a hand to shush me when I begin to interrupt. “We’re not telling you until the doctor says you’re clear. We’re not holding back anything that you need to know right this minute, we’re trying to make sure you stay healthy. Or get healthy. You need time to recover, Alex. Until then all I can tell you is he took you, we found you, you’re going to be okay, and he never got anywhere near Cadan. Okay?”

  I know my face clearly shows I’m not at all okay with it, but I can see that his jaw is set and he’s not going to budge. Knowing that Cadan is okay is the most important thing anyway, and he’s not holding that back. I don’t have the energy to fight for the rest of it. “Okay. But as soon as the doctor says I can know, you’ll tell me? You promise?”

  “I promise. I’ll go get Cadan in the morning so you can see him, but tonight I’m staying here.” He says.

  “Wait. Where is he? Where’s Cadan if you guys are here?” I try not to panic.

  “He’s with our mom, at your house. He’s perfectly fine. I promise, Alex. She’s had him for days. He likes her.” Jace answers.

  “Your mom?” I whisper. I’ve never even met their mother, one of my bosses really, and now she’s been taking care of my kid. She had to come from Tennessee to take care of him. Oh no.

  “Well, we weren’t going to let anyone except family take care of him and Jace and I needed to look for you. Then, once we found you, we needed to be here with you. So yeah, my mom. And my dad.” A gasp slips past my lips. He just smiles and continues. “Mostly mom though, cause she’s better at it. We weren’t going to keep her away from him once she heard anyway. They made record time getting up here.”

  I’m horrified that his entire family has rearranged their lives due to the mess I’ve ended up in. “I’m so sorry. I should have known he was capable—“

  “Alex, shut up. No one could have known. I’m sorry I wasn’t home. I’m sorry we didn’t find you faster. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but you don’t have anything to be sorry for. To be sorry you’d have had to do something wrong. And you didn’t. We’ll talk about it when you’re stronger.” He stands up, and smiles as he looks down at me.

  “I’m going to call mom and let her know you’re awake and tell the doc to knock you out again. Don’t protest, because the more sleep you get, the faster you’ll heal so you can come home. I promise I’ll be here when you wake up again.” He leans over and kisses me between the eyes, then Jace does the same and they leave the room.

  A minute later, a nurse comes in and injects something into the IV in my hand. She tells me how lucky I am to have two drop-dead sexy men fawning over me for the last eight days and all I can think is she must have me confused with someone else because I just got here.

  Three days later, I can finally eat solid food and sit up for more than five minutes at a time. I’m hoping the doctor will clear me to find out what happened today. I know now that this is my eleventh day in the hospital, that I had a ton of bruising, scrapes, and cuts. I was severely dehydrated, and nearly dead.

  I was unconscious for eight days, some due to brain swelling because I had a fractured skull and some because the doctors didn’t want me awake yet. They say I needed the time to heal. The ‘bugs’ that I felt crawling on my head in the barn must have been blood. They keep saying they’re amazed I stayed alive long enough
to be found, but still no one has told me how long that was. I think I remember two days, and I suppose with that kind of head injury that’s an impressive amount of time. In the scheme of things it doesn’t really matter, but I want to know anyway.

  Cadan looks bigger now though, a lot bigger, and that confuses me. I know babies grow quickly but it seems extreme. I missed him so much. It broke my heart when they took him away the last time and I cried until my head was pounding again and they had to sedate me. I tried to stop, I just couldn’t. I’ve promised I will control myself better, though they’re understanding and say I’ve been through a lot and control will be hard to come by for a while yet.

  When the doctor comes in, I’m trying to do a word find in a book that Jace brought me. He said his mom sent it and I thought that was sweet. I still haven’t met her or their father. They didn’t come when Chance brought Cadan because they said they didn’t want to intrude. I feel that I’m the one that’s intruded on their lives. They’ve given me a job, I’ve been living with their son, and now they’re caring for my son – all without ever meeting me. Yes, I’d say it’s clear I’m the intrusive one in this scenario.

  The doctor doesn’t say anything at first, just reads my chart, checks my vitals, makes me breathe in and out on command; which is something that always makes me panic a bit, though I don’t know why. I want to beg to be allowed to know what happened, but I won’t. He’ll either let me or he won’t. Since Chance and Jace are working, it’s going to be a little while before I find out, even if he says yes.