Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  The bungalow on Lotus Blossom Drive could use some work. The interior is laid out well but the walls are covered in wallpaper and the hard wood floors are badly scratched. There is a living room, small dining room, and an even smaller kitchen on the first floor. Adam wanders around inspecting the condition of the walls, kitchen cabinets, and windows while I am thinking more about how to freshen up the paint and flooring, and where furniture would go.

  “It’s small but there’s plenty of room for a single guy like you,” I say upbeat. “It just needs some fresh paint and a little elbow grease.”

  Adam is peering out a window at the rear of the home. “The yard is kind of small; doesn’t leave much room for expanding this space. And there’s only two bedrooms,” he responds. “It’s the perfect house for a grandma, but I think I need more space.”

  I giggle at the way he said grandma and then crinkle my nose. “What do you need so much space for?”

  He turns and looks at me. “I hate moving. I did it four times during undergrad and med school. If I’m really going to live in Swainsboro I want to be able to stay put wherever I settle. So I need something big enough to raise a family.”

  My heart melts a little hearing him talk about having a family someday. The name Bianca pops back into my head and I wonder if he’s envisioning this potential family to include her. The thought upsets me more than it should. Adam will surely have beautiful children no matter who it’s with. He must love kids if he chose to become a pediatrician.

  “That makes sense except you’re assuming the woman you marry will be happy to just move into your house. What if she wants to find a new place that’s just ‘yours’?”

  He raises an eyebrow in confusion. “I’m just saying, as your new friend, it’s the 21st century, Adam. What if the future Mrs. Brickman already owns a home too?”

  “I hadn’t considered that,” he admits. “I suppose I’ll have to find some place any woman would be satisfied with. What’s your idea of the perfect home?”

  “M-mine?” I stutter. He’s caught me completely off guard by this question. “I’ve always wanted a kitchen with an island, and one of those countertops with an overhang where you can put bar stools underneath. A den or family room on the first floor would be great for the kids to play in and keep their toys. Lots of natural light from the windows, a fireplace, at least three bedrooms, and a fenced in back yard. The house shouldn’t be too close to the road for safety reasons. And um, I’d kill for a master bathroom.”

  Adam chuckles. “You’ve given this some serious thought.”

  “I’ve been considering finding a new house lately; one that doesn’t remind me of my failed marriage.” I turn away from Adam and pretend to inspect the condition of the fireplace in the living room. I don’t know what made me answer his question so honestly. For some reason I want to let him in; to let him really know me.

  “That’s understandable,” he says softly. “You deserve a fresh start, Amanda.”

  I shrug. “Maybe, but whatever I do it’ll be what makes life better for Tyler and Gabby. What I want comes second, and they’re comfortable in our house.”

  It’s strange to think how even though I’m years younger than Adam, I’ve already established my family whereas he’s just starting out. It’s disheartening to think that any man who wants to be with me will have to love me as well as my children. Our relationship would never work unless he was on board to join the little family I’ve already started. How many men would be willing to make that kind of commitment to someone else’s children? Whatever is best for my kids will likely dictate the kind of relationship I have with a man. I hate even thinking about the day I’ll have to introduce Tyler and Gabby to a man I’m dating.

  “Okay, this place is too small to raise a bunch of little Brickmans so let’s move on to the next, shall we?” I say, desperate to get out of here and off this topic of conversation.

  He chuckles nervously and runs his hand through his hair. “After you,” he says gesturing towards the front door.

  The second house we stop at is on Chuckhole Way. Adam is immediately more enthusiastic about this house. It’s more contemporary southern style with two stories and lots of large windows. It’s far outside the center of town, practically in the forest. The front doors are a heavy walnut with panels of stained glass in the center. I have no idea who lived here but it’s obvious they had some money. The great room is open and spacious with a beautiful picture window in the back showing off the greenery of the backyard. The kitchen is large too with stainless steel appliances and granite countertops.

  “Four bedrooms, two and a half bath, finished basement, and 2,400 square feet,” I read off from the fact sheet that’s been left on the kitchen counter.

  “It’s at the top of my price range but I wouldn’t have to make any changes,” Adam says wandering back into the living room. “And there’s room for my piano right here.” He gestures to the space by the window.

  “You still play?” I ask, remembering the other day when Adam told me about Caroline forcing him to take lessons.

  “Yes. Just as a hobby; it relaxes me. I learned on the baby grand that’s still at my parents’ house. My mother plays too but she told me to take it when I finally move in somewhere,” he replies and then takes the stairs two at a time.

  I hurry after him, as eager to get a glimpse of the rest of this gorgeous house as him. Adam’s already found the master bedroom by the time I reach the landing. It has an equally beautiful view of the back yard and his and hers walk-in closets on the left wall. The right side of the room has a small sitting area next to a huge bathroom. Wow, there’s a shower stall completely enclosed in glass and an enormous soaking tub big enough for two. My cheeks fill with color as I fail miserably at stopping my imagination from running wild. I can’t help but picture Adam showering in this room, his glorious body visible through the glass walls of the shower. How I’d love to sneak in and join him each morning…

  “What do you think?” he asks.

  I know my face is still rosy when I turn to answer him. “It’s a really beautiful house. I don’t know anything about its owner, but I can tell you this side of town is quiet and secluded. Your nearest neighbor is at least a hundred yards away.”

  “Another plus. Though, it feels almost too perfect. My older brother, Andrew, is a contractor. He seemed so excited about helping me renovate. Business has been kind of slow lately.”

  “And what does your other brother do?” I wonder aloud.

  Adam chuckles and says, “Alexander’s a magician. Wears the tuxedo, the top hat, and white gloves too. He works mostly kids’ parties and office functions but he’s done a few big shows in Vegas. His wife, Paige, works as a paralegal but she moonlights as his assistant.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Like she lets him saw her in half and stuff?”

  “Oh, yeah. She gets sawed in half, locked in wooden boxes, the whole bit. She’s great at it too.”

  “Wow, so Dr. and Mrs. Brickman’s sons turned out to be a self employed contractor, a magician, and a pediatrician,” I muse.

  “Yep. I’m the only one who was forced into medical school though,” he replies almost bitterly.

  “Why was that?” I can’t help but ask.

  Adam sits down on the edge of the huge bathtub and I struggle to keep my thoughts on what he’s saying and not how edible he looks. “I guess with Andrew, Dad didn’t push too hard because he still had two other sons to count on. With Xander, it wasn’t that he didn’t have the brains but obviously never had a strong enough work ethic. He was happy getting B’s in school and using his spare time to participate in the drama club and chase girls.” He smiles, obviously remembering fond memories of his younger brother. “By the time I was starting college I was Dad’s last hope. To be fair he did let me become any kind of doctor I wanted,” Adam says sarcastically. “Just as long as my name would have that prefix.”

  “What if you’d chosen chiropractor? Or anthropologist?
” I joke.

  “I wouldn’t dare,” Adam replies humorlessly. “My father’s a loving but stubborn man, Amanda. Sometimes I wonder if I can be a good doctor, feeling as I do that the decision wasn’t a hundred percent mine.”

  I flash him a sympathetic smile. Adam is telling me something very personal about himself. I love learning these little tidbits about his life and for the first time I think that maybe being his friend wouldn’t be as difficult as I first assumed. “I think you’ll make a wonderful doctor, Adam. You’re kind, and personable, and caring,” I tell him.

  Adam smiles at my praise and I can tell he feels slightly embarrassed. “Thanks, Amanda. What about your parents? Are you and Pastor Sommerer close?"

  I nod my head, thinking how best to answer one of the few probing questions Adam's ever sprung on me. "He was a great dad. Things got a little tense when I decided to marry Tommy right out of high school. He was never excited about my marriage but he loves being a grandpa. He takes Tyler fishing every chance he gets."

  "And your mother?" he presses.

  "Um, it's hard to say where she and I stand; it fluctuates with her moods. Sometimes I'm the best thing that ever happened to her; the one good thing she got out of her miserable years trapped in Swainsboro. Then other times I'm the daughter who disgraced the family by getting pregnant and married before I was out of my teens and becoming such a hot topic in this town that she doesn't dare return. I was married a good six months before Tyler was conceived but whenever she's reading me the riot act the sequence of events always slips her mind."

  Adam smiles warmly at me and it feels like he's trying to express without using words that he doesn't see me the way my flesh and blood does. The way the town does. I know Adam hasn't passed judgment on my life decisions and that's why his company is so refreshing. I have a feeling that he has experienced similar criticism from his own family. Although he relocated here to work with his father Adam wants to live clear across town from his parents' home. He also won't stay with them while he's looking for a place to live, and only mentions them when it relates to his work or house hunting.

  The story Rebecca told me about Dr. Brickman's troubled son comes to the forefront of my mind. The small town girl inside me wants to know the story behind the Brickman family, but I would never dare pry into Adam's life. I don't want to become what I hate most about this town, and I owe Adam more respect than that considering the way he's befriended me so eagerly.

  "What are you thinking about?" he wonders after a minute or two of my inner musings.

  "Nothing," I say casually, "just that's it's nice to have a new friend around here."

  Adam smiles and I can sense he’s refraining from voicing whatever thought just popped into his head. He’s watching me in that mysterious way again, like he’s trying to figure me out. We stare at each other for another few moments, and I want desperately to know what he’s thinking, but don’t get the opportunity or courage to ask.

  “Come on, we have a few more houses to look at and I’m getting hungry,” he says.

  We drive around town and check out three more empty homes in and around the town center. Adam really does seem to want to be outside of town. It doesn’t make sense to me, being someone who seems so unhappy to be leaving the bustling city of Chicago, for him to want the seclusion and privacy of the forest.

  We stop for sandwiches at Mama’s Luncheon before hitting the last house on his list, a large wood cabin style home just north of the town limits. “Tell me why your parents decided to move to Swainsboro,” I say after we order our food. Adam and I are sitting quietly in a booth and I feel the need to drum up some conversation.

  “Their babies were grown up,” he chuckles. “Andrew had started his business in Atlanta; I was in San Francisco for my undergrad, so when Alexander chose Georgia State University there was nothing holding them in Chicago anymore. With two of their boys in Georgia my father started looking for job opportunities in or around Atlanta. When the job in Swainsboro opened up they came to see the office and met with the retiring doctor. My mother fell in love with the town.”

  “And you still went back to Chicago for med school even though your family wasn’t there anymore? What was that like?” I ask, thrilled to be learning so much about Adam today.

  “I still had friends there, a few aunts and uncles, and Grandmom Brickman. Chicago’s my home. Swainsboro is the last place I expected to end up.”

  “I don’t see why anyone comes here either. If it were up to me I’d move to Atlanta in a heartbeat, but my life is rooted here. I had that scholarship to GSU I told you about, but I chose a man over my education and now Iook at me.”

  “Everyone has regrets, Amanda. You may not have the life you once planned for yourself but the way those two kids look at you I can see that you’re loved. And your decision to stay here for them proves how much you love them too. That makes you a good person, a good mother, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Adam’s hand slides slowly across the table and my breath catches in my throat as his fingertips brush across the back of my hand as a gesture of encouragement. I force a smile as my cheeks fill with color. I’m embarrassed to have admitted something so personal to him. I’ve only ever had this kind of conversation with Rebecca. Adam is just so damn easy to talk to.

  “I wonder if I’ve made a mistake agreeing to work for my father,” he says drawing both hands back and shoving them under the tabletop. He must feel obligated to confess something personal in return for my honesty. “He and I don’t always see eye to eye on things.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, he and my mother were very supportive with my decision to go to medical school, obviously; not so much with who I dated or my desire to stay in Chicago after graduation. They really wanted me to rejoin the rest of the family in Georgia. When my father offered me the position here I finally relented.”

  I am really interested in hearing about the women he dated in Chicago or more so what his parents disapproved of about them. Did they want him to date someone with more education, or who came from a better family? I had neither of those qualities going for me. The waitress brings our sandwiches before I have a chance to pry into his past love life and for that I am grateful. As I take the first bite of my food I remind myself that the beautiful man sitting opposite me wants to be my friend. He’s never asked me about my dating status or made any indication he thinks of me in a romantic way. I should feel relieved by that given my previous decision to remain professional and platonic with Adam, but I can’t help the way I feel. I don’t know why I thought I could will away my intense attraction to him. I may have to settle with learning how to suppress it instead. I seriously doubt Adam is interested in a small town girl with two kids and an ex husband.

  After checking out the final house Adam catches me off guard in the car by asking when I need to be back at the B&B to pick up my kids. I’ve had such a good time getting to know him better it feels like just a few hours have passed instead of most of the day. Distracted, I inadvertently head the wrong way on Route 80.

  “Shoot, we’re going west. I’m sorry, we have to turn around,” I say embarrassed. I’m supposed to be guiding him around town today because I know my way around so much better than Caroline Brickman or even Mr. Harper but I can’t even choose the right direction on the only highway in town.

  “No problem, Amanda. I’m in no hurry. But you said you need to be back by five?”

  “Um, yes. My ah, husband… ex-husband is bringing Tyler and Gabby back to my house at five for dinner,” I explain. I pull off onto a dirt road and am in the middle of making a K turn when Adam puts his hand on mine over the gear shift.

  “What’s down this road?” he asks with excitement in his voice.

  I look around quickly, trying to get my bearings. “I haven’t been out here since high school but I think the road just kind of ends after a mile or so.”

  “Can we check it out?” he asks.

  I gl
ance at the clock on the dashboard and see it’s a little after 3 o’clock. “Sure. We have time,” I reply shifting the car back into drive and heading down the dirt road. The road ends just where I remembered and nothing but trees and vegetation stand before us. Adam surprises me by getting out of the car for a better look around. He points ahead to where it seems like there might be a break in the thick forest.

  “Come explore with me?” he asks enthusiastically.

  “Um, okay. You’re not going to get me lost in the woods though, are you?”

  “Amanda, please,” he replies in mock offense. “I can find my way through thicker forest than this. I’ll have you know I was a decorated boy scout.”

  I roll my eyes at him deliberately. “Why am I not surprised?” I’ve begun following him into the woods at the end of the dirt road and he stops in his tracks to turn and smile at me. I divert my eyes back to the uneven ground trying not to trip over any tree roots.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” he says playfully.

  “You don’t seem to have a flaw anywhere,” I grumble. “You’re intelligent, musically inclined, incredibly polite, good with kids, way too attractive, and now a wilderness expert too?”

  I realize seconds too late what I’ve just admitted. I accidentally told Adam I thought he was attractive. Crap! His eyes are fixed on mine as his smile grows. He obviously has impeccable hearing too. In my moment of self loathing panic I nearly stumble over my own feet, prompting Adam to reach his hand out to steady me.

  “Thank you,” I say, my eyes fixed on the forest floor. His hand is cupped around my upper arm and instead of releasing me he slowly slides it down until he takes my hand in his, ensuring I’m on two steady feet again.