Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

"Look at this," I say happy for an excuse to put some space between us. I hand him an official looking envelope addressed to Adam J. Brickman.

  "Hey, that's probably my license," Adam says excitedly. He tears open the envelope and carefully extracts a piece of paper with gold calligraphy. "Yep, here it is," he confirms holding it out for me to read.

  My eyes immediately fall on the two largest lines of text. The State of Georgia hereby presents and near the bottom Adam Jonathan Brickman, M.D.

  "Congratulations, Adam," I say with a bright smile. "So I guess this means you'll be spending more time at the office?"

  Adam's eyes rise from his license to practice medicine up to my face. "Yeah, Gregory said he's going to start me off with thirty hours a week. Looks like I'll be starting tomorrow."

  "Well, I'll miss having you around to help with chores, but I'm glad you won't be so bored anymore," I say lightly.

  He looks at me strangely, studying my face again. "Amanda, before you take the kids home can we talk for a minute?"

  I know what Adam wants to discuss and I’m not even close to being ready for that so of course I panic. "I really need to get them home. They need baths and Tyler has an art project to do for school tomorrow. We’re friends and I’m happy with that. So there's nothing to talk about, Adam.”

  That last part is a lie, but the rest is all truth. Adam frowns in response and shakes his head. “There's lots to talk about, Amanda. But go home. Take care of your kids. I'll see you tomorrow," he says softly and then leaves me alone in the kitchen holding my breath.

  Chapter Eleven: Doctor’s Office

  One of the drawbacks to my job at the B&B is the repetitiveness of the work. I cook, I clean, and I do loads of laundry. As a mother of two I find my time at home is spent doing basically the exact same tasks. It's Thursday and even though it's my day off from Thatcher's I'm having the same morning experience as if I were working; standing over the stove top cooking a hot meal.

  Gabby sees B&B guests often requesting that I make specific foods for breakfast, lunch, or dinner and this has led her to believe the same goes for our house. I usually tell her that no, at home you eat whatever mommy cooks, but she just looked so cute with her little lower lip pushed out as she asked for French toast this morning. I wonder where she learned that trick. It’s very effective. So, because I can't say no to my kids Tyler and Gabby currently sit at our kitchen table watching me cook scrambled eggs and French toast. I've got both frying pans going at once, I'm setting the table, and pouring juice all at the same time. No wonder I feel like I'm at work.

  Tyler's telling me about some toy that he wants for his birthday when the house phone rings. My hands are full and I'd let the call go to voice mail if it was my cell phone. No one calls the house line except my mother and B&B guests. I quickly turn off the stove, push both frying pans to the back burners so the food doesn't burn, and run to retrieve the cordless phone from the living room. Sadly, I am hoping this is a maintenance complaint for the B&B rather than a social call from my mother. I'm rarely in the mood to chat with her for any length of time.

  "Hello?"

  "Amanda?"

  "Yes, this is Amanda."

  "Hi. This is Kelly Olsen. I'm sorry to call you so early but the internet isn't working and I need to pay some bills online."

  "Mom!" Gabby calls from the kitchen. I ignore her.

  "Hi, Kelly. I'm sorry about that, sometimes the modem just needs to be reset. If you could check that for me I'd appreciate it. The modem is in the living room, on the floor besides the television. Just pull out both cables that connect to the modem, wait thirty seconds and then plug them back in. If that doesn't work I'll call the cable company."

  "Mommy!" Gabby calls again.

  "Hmmm, okay. Just hold on the line for a minute and I'll try it," Kelly replies.

  "You bet," I reply rolling my eyes. I thought everyone knew how to rest a modem these days.

  I wander back into the kitchen to check my food and see what Gabby is yammering about. As soon as I round the corner into the kitchen I see my three year old daughter reaching up to the stove.

  "Gabby don't!" I yell running to stop her.

  I'm two seconds too late and her right hand connects with the hot stove top. She yanks her hand away as the pain registers and she screeches at the top of her lungs. I take her hand in mine to assess the burn. Two fingertips are bright red and already starting to blister. Tears are streaming down Gabby's face as I try to sooth her as Tyler runs over to see what happened to his sister.

  "It's okay, honey. You're going to be okay."

  "Ooooooowwwwww!" she cries.

  I leave her with Tyler and get a glass of cold water for her to submerge the fingers in. This calms her crying a little and I look around for where I dropped the cordless phone.

  "Amanda? Amanda, are you still there?" Kelly asks.

  "Yes. I'm here, Kelly. How did it go?" I say rushing my words.

  “I think it's working now. Yep, there it goes," she replies happily.

  "Great. I have to let you go. My daughter just hurt herself; but call me back if you have any more issues. I'm always here, okay?"

  "Yes, go take care of your little one. Thanks for the help, Amanda."

  “You're very welcome. Rebecca will be over by five to make dinner. I'll see you and Leila tomorrow."

  I hang up the phone and turn back towards Gabby. She's sitting on the kitchen floor with her legs crossed, her whole hand immersed in the cold water.

  "It hurts, Mommy," she whines with tears in her eyes.

  "I know it does, sweetie. Let me take a look."

  “No! Don’t touch it!” she whimpers reluctant to let me take her hand again. She holds it up for me instead and when I see the blisters forming I know I need to bring her in to see the doctor. Damn it. So much for avoiding Adam today. I know he's gone into Dr. Brickman's office.

  "Come on guys, get your shoes on. We're going to take Gabby over to see Dr. Brickman," I say motioning for them both to stand. Gabby hops up grasping her water cup and hurries after me.

  When we walk into the doctor's office the first person I see is Kimberly behind the reception desk. I wonder if she's had her hands on Adam yet this morning. I give her a tight, grim smile as I sign in Gabby's name.

  "How are you, Mandy? Long time no see," she greets me. "Your kids are getting so big."

  Kim and I weren't friends in high school, but she never treated me like an outcast or teased me like some of the other kids. I was barely on her radar and I think she's spoken to me more here at Dr. Brickman's office than she ever did growing up. We always had different interests; mine being books and hers being boys but I've never had a problem with her. At least not until she began making Adam feel uncomfortable at work.

  "Hey, Kim. Good to see you. My kids really are getting big; big enough to reach the stove top apparently," I say holding Gabby's hand out for her to see the damage. Gabby whimpers as I take her water cup away. I'm afraid she's going to spill it.

  "Oh my, yes I see that. Poor little dear. Just have a seat over there. Dr. Brickman will be with you in a few minutes," she replies smiling.

  I still don't know which Dr. Brickman will be seeing us until Gregory walks into reception to ask Kim a question. He retreats back down the hall a moment later but seeing him makes my body physically relax. Adam must be working the afternoon shift. I know it is immature of me to try and avoid him, but I can't help it. It's easier than acknowledging the ache in my heart whenever I think about that scorching kiss we shared.

  Two minutes later Kim escorts us back to an exam room and attempts a preliminary look at Gabby's burn. She cries and pulls her hand away. I understand it hurts but my baby is being a little drama queen. Kim's being perfectly nice and gentle with her, but Gabby still gives her a hard time.

  "Okay, Gabrielle. I think we'll just let Dr. Brickman handle this," Kim says and shows her a Barbie sticker. "This will be for you once you let the doctor fix you up. Sound good?"

/>   Gabby nods but dunks her hand back in the cup of water I'm now holding, snuggling her body into my side for protection. Kim says goodbye and leaves us in the small exam room to wait. Rubbing Gabby's back in big slow circles I try to calm her down. It's very stressful seeing my kids in pain. When Tyler was four he skinned his knee and I can still remember him screaming as Tommy held him down and I cleaned the wound. It had been a traumatic experience for all of us.

  A few minutes later there's a knock on the door just before it swings open. I'm completely expecting to see Gregory but of course I couldn't be that lucky. His unbearably handsome son enters instead dressed in black dress pants, white shirt, and a blue tie. Adam glances at me first as he walks into the room and I smile awkwardly. He's not at all surprised to see me so he must have known I was here in the room when he opened the door. I can't help but take note of how jaw-droppingly handsome Adam looks with a stethoscope around his neck and a medical chart in his hand. In fact, I've had a number of vivid fantasies with him dressed just like this.

  "Doctor Adam!" Gabby cries happily hopping out of her seat to show him her hand. "Look!"

  Adam places Gabby's chart down on the table and sits on the rolling stool across from us in the small space. I'm shocked when Gabby strides right over to him and climbs onto his lap. She holds out her hand palm side up so he can see her burn.

  "Oh, Gabby. What happened?" he asks her with surprise in his voice.

  He gently straightens out her fingers and inspects the blistered skin. She doesn't even flinch, totally trusting him. Adam lifts his eyes to mine again and winks. I wonder if perhaps Nurse Kim had warned him about Gabby being a difficult patient for her moments before. He looks rather smug at having gotten her to trust him around her hand so quickly.

  "I got burned," she pouts. "On the oven."

  Tyler rolls his eyes. "Mom told her breakfast was almost ready and she just couldn't wait."

  "It smelled good," Gabby moans defensively. Tyler sticks his tongue out at her and she does the same back.

  Adam chuckles carrying Gabby over to the exam table. The white paper crinkles loudly as he sets her down with her legs hanging over the edge. She cradles her burned hand in the other one and watches Adam as he washes his hands in the sink and pulls out a few medical supplies from a cabinet.

  "I was making them eggs and French toast this morning when the phone rang. I had no idea she'd try to get the food off the stove by herself," I explain feeling guilty.

  "French toast, that sounds so yummy," Adam says to Gabby as he rolls his stool closer to her.

  "We didn't eat it," she replies sadly.

  Adam sets her hand down gently on her thigh and uses a soft wet cloth to wipe it clean. "That's a real shame, Gabby. Your mommy makes the best French toast, doesn't she?" he asks her.

  "Yeah. We should have brought some. Mommy left it at home 'cause she was worried about me."

  Adam smiles at her sweet little face as he very carefully applies a hydrocortisone cream over the burn. His distraction technique is great; as he keeps Gabby talking about her favorite foods and what color lollipop she likes best. She doesn't even protest when he finishes by wrapping light gauze around three fingers.

  "You are all fixed up Miss Gabby," he announces cheerily. "So pink lollipop, huh?"

  Gabby looks her hand over and then smiles at him. "Yep. And the lady said I get a sticker."

  This throws Adam for a second and he has to look around the counter for the Barbie sticker. I suppress a grin as he searches, not wanting to disappoint her, and finally finds it under Gabby's medical chart.

  "Here you go. So mom," he says addressing me now. "I'm going to give you a tube of the hydrocortisone to use for the next day or so if she complains of any more pain. Her fingers will be tender, of course, for a few days. You can also use aloe vera if you have it at home. The kind you'd put on a sunburn."

  I smirk at Adam as he talks to me in his doctor voice. I don't know if he's speaking in such a professional manner to prove himself as a doctor or because of the tension that's still lingering between us. Either way I can't help but think how he's sexy as hell right now.

  "Thank you so much, Dr. Adam," I say calling him by the name Gabby uses for him. We all stand and Gabby thanks Adam too. She even gives him a hug.

  "You're very welcome, Gabby. Take it easy today, okay? You promise me no more cooking for a while?"

  She blushes and giggles. Adam follows us out into the waiting room and hands her chart to Kimberly.

  "Amanda, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asks in a whisper.

  I look over at the kids and see them eyeing up the toy box in the corner. "Go play for a minute while I finish up here," I say to Tyler. Delighted, he takes Gabby's good hand in his and tows her over to the toys in the corner. When I look up at Adam he's smiling, watching my kids.

  "What's up, Adam?" I ask cautiously.

  A frown appears on his face and he tugs my hand to pull me away from the reception desk until we're safely out of earshot. "I wasn't expecting to see you today since it's your day off. I just wanted to take this opportunity to apologize... for the other night. I really was listening when you told me about how your kids come first. And I understand how you can feel that way."

  I lift one eyebrow, wondering if he could really understand so easily. "I admire your commitment to your family, Amanda," he continues. "And I don't want to complicate your life any further."

  My heart is beating wildly and I can't help feeling like I'm getting dumped. It's absurd, but Adam telling me he plans on backing off feels like rejection, even if it is what I’ve asked for. It's been a rough morning. I am tired, hungry, and emotionally drained. Tears begin pricking the back of my eyes and I blink them away, hoping to hold them back until Adam is finished his speech.

  "I know I shouldn't have... done what I did that night. You made it clear that friendship was all you were offering. So I am sorry. If I had known kissing you was going to make you avoid me then I never would have done it. Okay, that's probably a lie. But I miss talking to you and I'm sorry I screwed up our friendship by pushing you for more."

  I am floored by his words. Adam does regret the kiss just as I suspected, but not for the reasons I’d conjured up in my head. My insecurities have painted a much different picture than Adam is doing for me now. Could it be his regrets are not about his rash decision to kiss me that night, but instead only in response to my behavior since then?

  "Oh, Adam," I breath. Without even thinking I reach my hand out to touch his forearm. His shirt is soft under my hand but the arm beneath the cotton/polyester blend is firm and muscular. My hand travels down his wrist and I intertwine my fingers with his. He looks at me puzzled and I hope to God Kim isn't watching us.

  "I'm sorry too; for avoiding you yesterday. It was immature of me, but I didn't know how else to deal with these feelings. I think we do want the same things, Adam, believe me. It’s just not the right time."

  He squeezes my hand in his and a small smile appears on his face. He's staring into my eyes, listening to my words and I nearly lose my train of thought. He always seems to have that effect on me. A long tense moment passes where neither of us speaks. I think we're both trying to understand and accept circumstances that are out of our control.

  "You haven't ruined our friendship at all. I truly cherish it. Please believe me," I finally say.

  He looks down and then lets go of my hand. "I'll see you tomorrow?" he asks.

  "You bet."

  "Alright. Take that little girl home to rest," he says teasingly.

  Internally I cringe, thinking how I'll explain the burned hand to Tommy. And just like that my Adam bubble bursts and I'm thrust back into reality. I wave the kids over and they come to stand next to me.

  "See you tomorrow," I say casually.

  "Tomorrow," he replies.

  It doesn't miss my attention that Kim's eyes are on us as we leave, or that she intentionally doesn't say goodbye. In the car I ask the kids what they
want to do. We all need to eat and Tyler needs to let off some excess energy. He's been cooped up in the car and a doctor's office for the last hour. Little boys need to run.

  "Do you guys wanna go visit Uncle Brett?" I ask.

  "Yes!" "Yes!"

  I smile into the rear view mirror and proceed to drive out to Brett's house on the west side of town. I need some friendly advice and I know Rebecca's working at the B&B today. It couldn't hurt to get a man's perspective and Brett always gives it to me straight. Tyler likes coming to Uncle Brett's because he has an air hockey table in the dining room. Gabby loves it because the next door neighbors have a three year old daughter. Gabby and Sadie are best friends but don't get to see one another often. I've been meaning to ask her mother whether Sadie will be going to school in town or be homeschooled. I know her parents don't use the town's daycare but it would be great if Gabby had a friend when she started preschool.

  We pull up outside his father's home and I see Brett's truck parked around back. Brett took ownership of his childhood home after his father moved in with Rachel so she could take care of him after his hip replacement surgery last year. Brett's made some improvements to the house and there's a definite bachelor vibe now that he lives here alone, but I will forever see this place as Richard and Sarah Tyson's house. I spent a lot of time here growing up; weekends and most of my summers. I feel just as much at home here as I do in Dad's house and my own.

  The front door is open but for the screen and I knock on the wooden door frame. The paint is chipping and gives the older home some character. "Brett! You here?" I call even though I know he's home. Hopefully I haven't caught him occupied. As far as I know Brett doesn't have a lady friend right now.

  "Mandy? Hold on, I'm coming!" Brett calls from one of the back rooms.

  A few years ago I'd have a snide comment to yell back about him coming, but I wouldn't dare say anything like that now that I have kids. Becoming a mother has changed me in a lot of ways. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. In addition to the obvious aging and the fifteen pounds I've retained from having two babies, I've also changed internally. I was always more mature than Brett but that gap between us has increased significantly since Tyler was born.