Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  It's only three thirty. I need to pick up Tyler and Gabby but we can't eat dinner at the B&B tonight. The place is at near capacity with five guests and I'm not going to try and feed eight people at once. I'll have enough time to get the kids and make it back to put dinner on the table by six. Down in the basement I finish a load of the newlyweds’ laundry, including a number of nighties. Yuck. Matthew and Julie are out and about so I leave their clean clothes folded on the end of their bed. I can hear the television on in Mr. Olwen's room and the other is quite. I think about leaving a note on Adam's pillow but can't think of anything to write. At least, nothing that doesn't demand to know where he's been all day. Adam is still MIA as I leave the B&B about four o'clock.

  I treat myself to a tall coffee from the local donut shop on my way to the daycare. With my nerves already on edge I'm not sure caffeine is the best idea but I feel like doing something for myself. I've been under a lot of stress lately and an iced mocha is a simple pleasure that will lift my spirits. I even sit outside on the shop's patio and drink my treat slowly as I enjoy the breeze and seasonably warm weather. It finally feels like summer in central Georgia and taking a few moments alone to bask feels amazing. I watch people walk by on the busy downtown street and wave to those who recognize me as they pass. I try not to think about Adam and where he might be right now.

  The kids and I return to Thatcher's just before five o'clock and I busy myself in the kitchen in order to get dinner served. Matthew and Julie return from their shopping trip and I set the dining room table for five. Unfortunately for me and my nerves, only four place settings are occupied by six o'clock. Adam never returns.

  I wash all the dishes from dinner and set out a basket of muffins and bagels for breakfast before leaving. As I take the kids home an hour later I'm still wondering what's going on with Adam. There's no reason why I couldn't call him. I know that I should, but something in me just doesn't want to be the one to break first. Adam probably doesn't even know he and I are in a silent standoff. But we are! He's either ignoring me on purpose, hurt or lost somewhere, or he's in Savannah with a masseur named Emily. None of those options are acceptable to me and I opt for procrastination. If I still haven't heard from him tomorrow I'll call.

  Tommy has the kids tomorrow and overnight. I wouldn't normally come to work Saturday but with five guests I need to stop in just to check on things. And I want to make lunch for the businessmen on their first full day in town. So if Adam isn't at the B&B tomorrow at lunch I'll leave him a note or call his cell phone. Okay, so I don't know what I'll do but I'll figure it out in the morning.

  To get my mind off all things related to Adam Brickman the kids and I have a Silly Dinner. It's something I started last year to cheer them up right after Tommy moved out. I make scrambled eggs with green food coloring a la Dr. Seuss and pancakes with fun ingredients like chocolate chips or mini marshmallows. Then I use cookie cutters to make French toast into shapes like butterflies and dinosaurs. Tyler loves that he gets to play with his food, making his dinosaur toast chase Gabby's butterflies through the air. And all the fun is enough of a distraction to get Gabby to actually eat foods she typically turns her nose up at.

  Speaking of distractions, spending the evening with my children is just what I need to center myself. I'm going to miss them while they're with Tommy tomorrow and I'm sort of glad Adam isn't around. It's nice to spend some time as just the three of us. We don't have the TV on all night and we have fun after dinner playing the Memory game and Chutes and Ladders. We are having so much fun that I let them stay up a little late and it's after ten o'clock before I get them both asleep in their beds.

  Part of me doesn't even want to check my phone before bed but out of habit I do just as I'm laying it down on the nightstand. There's a text message waiting for me and my heart starts pounding immediately. When I open it my hopes crash down when I see the message is from Rebecca. She wants to know if I need help at Thatcher's this week since we have so many bookings. I text her back saying thank you, but since the Parker's are leaving Sunday I shouldn't have any problems.

  I decide that I won't be able to sleep without at least trying to contact Adam so I start on a text message to him but have trouble deciding how to phrase it.

  Hey. Where were you today? No, too accusatory.

  Did you go on that date tonight? Definitely can't ask that.

  Missed seeing you today. Are you ok? There. That sounds breezy enough, right?

  I hit send and then settle in between the sheets. A few minutes later my phone beeps. I tell myself it's just Rebecca again. I'm not going to let myself hope for anything more, but when I look at the phone it says Adam's name. The hairs on my arms stand on end and there goes my heart again, beating fast and hard.

  He writes: I missed you too! Thanks for saving me a plate at dinner. Delicious as always.

  I look over at the clock. Ten forty five. I still don't know when he arrived home, but at least I know he's there, safe and sound.

  Thanks. Did you have a good day?

  I roll my eyes at myself as my fingers press the keys. So lame, Amanda. So lame.

  It was long, had to go into Savannah. Spent all day there.

  Savannah? Immediately fearing the worst, my imagination goes wild thinking about Adam with some leggy blonde who might have spent the better part of the evening giving him a sample of her masseur talents. The small rational portion of my brain is shouting that Adam's been to Savannah a number of times since he's lived in Swainsboro and there could be other reasons for his going there. But it is quite a coincidence he picked today, and I didn't hear from him at all since the night before. Maybe he just felt compelled to let Emily down easy in person. Perhaps that was a compromise he had to make with Caroline to get her off his case.

  I know I'm speculating and I'll continue to wonder if he really went on a date with her until I speak with him, but I just can't ask any more questions through text message. It's too stressful and soon he'll realize how I'm fishing for information.

  I type Ok, get some sleep and see you tomorrow and put my phone aside.

  Part of me wishes I'd asked Adam to be my boyfriend the day he took me to his parents’ house. At the time it felt like I was asking too much of him to demand that he commit to me when I refused to do the same. Though, if he is really serious about waiting for me then he should be refraining from going on dates with other women without me having to ask! Maybe I should have been clearer that I meant for us to not date other people while I'm figuring out my issues. How could he think I wouldn't be hurt by that? And he didn't lie; he told me he went to Savannah today. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse that he was honest.

  All this confusion makes me realize just how much I care about Adam. I don't want him dating anyone else, or even thinking about anyone else that way. The jealousy I feel over this other woman is maddening. I don't even know how I'm supposed to sleep tonight. Adam needs to know I feel this way about him; he deserves the truth. And the truth is I want us to be together. I wish I could have felt comfortable just telling him so sooner. Now I'll have to wait until I figure out where he stands after today's trip to Savannah.

  In the morning, I wake abruptly and have little trouble getting out of bed despite the lack of sleep I suffered. There are so many reasons I need to get to work; five house guests being only a blip on my radar. Unfortunately, Tommy isn't picking up the kids until eleven o'clock and they hate going to the B&B on weekends. Even in my current state I can't drag them over there so we make breakfast and eat together in the kitchen while we wait for Daddy.

  My fingers drum nervously against my coffee cup as I think about what to say to Adam when I see him. Tyler and Gabby notice my unease but don't ask me about it, thank goodness. I concentrate on not letting anything slip out of my mouth about blonde masseurs or Adam. I vowed not to let any man no matter when or how he entered my life to ever come before my kids. So we eat pancakes, play eye spy for a half hour, and I force Tyler to at least try t
he cantaloupe I cut up.

  Tommy looks good when he shows up for the kids ten minutes early. He's wearing a new shirt, something that doesn't look like what he would have picked out for himself because it didn't come from his favorite sporting goods store. Short sleeved collared button down in sage green with thin black pinstripes. Somebody else is dressing him, I'm certain. The only person that could be responsible for this wardrobe adjustment is the mystery woman he took out a few weeks ago. Sometimes his mother buys him clothes but it isn't Christmas or his birthday. I want to ask him about it but not in front of the kids. And with my mind reeling with questions about my own dating situation I feel like it would be hypocritical to accuse him of anything.

  "You look nervous, Mandy. Is something the matter?" he asks me as I'm helping Gabby on with her sneakers.

  "With me? No. I'm fine; just have five guests over at Thatcher's to tend to, that's all."

  Tommy nods his head and hands Tyler his backpack. "So I'll bring them back after breakfast tomorrow."

  I smile at him and give each of the kids a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. Tyler wipes his off with the back of his hand so I stick my tongue out at him and he laughs.

  "After breakfast sounds good. Do you think you'll be able to stick around for a few minutes so we can talk? Privately?" I mouth to him.

  His eyebrows scrunch together but he nods. I know by asking him this he'll spend the next day wondering what I want to talk about, but we can't have this conversation now. I don't know what the status of my love life even is so there's nothing to tell. Hopefully by tomorrow morning I'll know where I stand with Adam. And if there's anything of substance to divulge to my ex-husband then I need to do it sooner than later. Maybe my honestly will prompt him to admit where that fancy new shirt came from.

  I wave goodbye from the front porch of my house until Tommy's car is out of sight and then like a bat out of hell I'm racing around getting ready for work. Adam's car is parked outside the B&B in its usual spot and it both relieves my fears and heightens my nerves. I'm not sure I'm ready for this conversation.

  He's sitting at the breakfast table doing a crossword puzzle when I walk in. It reminds me of the time I found him there doing a puzzle with Heidi. I had been jealous of her slender body and pretty face. Adam had told me that I was much more attractive to him than a girl like her. The corners of my mouth tug up at the memory and I am smiling when Adam looks up to see me in the hallway. He's wearing his reading glasses and instead of taking them off to look at me he adjusts the frames with one hand. He knows what it does to me to see him in those specs.

  "Hey," he greets.

  "Hey, you. Where is everybody?"

  "Newlyweds headed out early. They left you a check and a thank you note on the desk. The Suits are having breakfast at the diner and then going for a meeting. They'll be back for lunch though. And then there's me, waiting for a beautiful brunette to come give me number six across; Angelina Jolie's first biological daughter." He grins at me, waiting.

  "Shiloh," I reply softly.

  He checks to see if the answer fits his puzzle. "How did you know that?"

  I shrug. "She was born more than six years ago. Ask me about anything that happened between the year Tyler was born and today and I'll probably have no clue."

  He chuckles and fills the answer into his puzzle. I left the house guests to fend for themselves for breakfast but I still have all the dishes to do so I move to the sink to assess the damage. Empty. Adam did my chores? Again. He seems so happy and relaxed this morning. Maybe I don't have anything to worry about after all.

  But there's only one way to find out. "How did things go in Savannah yesterday?" I ask as casually as possible.

  "Good. I was there most of the day. I had dinner at that Italian place, Bon Appétit. It made me think of you."

  "Dinner? I thought you ate when you got home?"

  "I did. We ate at the restaurant early and when I saw what you left me it looked too good to resist so I ate again."

  "We? Did you have dinner with Emily?" My voice comes out much more accusatory that I meant for.

  Adam looks at me in surprise. "Emily who? My architect's name is John."

  "Your architect?"

  "Yes. There was a math error in the dimensions on the kitchen. It changed the whole layout and I had to go up to John's office to get a new set of blueprints."

  "Oh. So you didn't go on a date with that woman you mother knows?"

  "Of course not. How could you think that?" he demands.

  My arms fold across my chest defensively. "I don't know. I didn't hear what you said to Caroline the other night when she asked you about it. And then you were gone all day in Savannah; you didn't call me."

  "So you assumed I was on a date?" he asks disbelieving. "I forgot my cell phone when I left in the morning. I figured if you tried to call me you would have heard it ringing in my room and realized that I left it behind."

  Now I feel stupid. "No, I didn't try to call you."

  "Why not?" he asks softly.

  "I couldn't stand the thought of interrupting you on a date. When I saw you weren't here yesterday I started to think that maybe you agreed to the blind date after all. And then you texted me and said you'd been in Savannah last night..."

  "Amanda," Adam says sternly. He pushes back his chair and stands. I move towards him instinctively until he can reach his arms out around my waist and pull me against his body. He holds me close for a moment and I try to reconcile all the assumptions I'd made the night before with this new information.

  "Amanda, I am so sorry that you worried needlessly about something so absurd. I told my mother that a blind date was out of the question."

  "Caroline didn't sound like she'd accept no for an answer," I say into his warm chest.

  "I'm tired of my mother trying to dictate my life and make decisions for me so I put my foot down. She relented when I said I'd call the girl's mother and offer my apologies."

  "So why did you refuse the date?"

  "How could you possibly think I would even entertain the idea of going out with another woman? The only woman I want to take out on a date is you," Adam affirms while stroking my hair.

  I breathe deeply into Adam's chest, soaking up his delicious scent and comforting words. "I didn't know what to think. I know I'm not being fair to you... I wouldn't blame you for wanting to see other people."

  "Amanda, you're being absurd," he replies; his grip tightening at my waist. He holds me close and I can't think of any place I'd rather be. Adam's arms around me is a heady feeling, something I'm not used to. "I don't want anyone but you, no matter how much time you need to feel like things are right between us. I understand your reservations and I promised I'd wait."

  "I still worry about other women being interested in you. I thought maybe you would meet with Emily to please your mother and then she could have been able to take you away from me."

  "I'm yours," he whispers with strong conviction in his voice.

  A shiver runs through my body at those two simple words which have so much significance and finality behind them. It's a lot for my confused mind to absorb. Standing there together in the kitchen I come to the frightening realization that I might very well already love Adam Brickman. The thought scares me the more I ponder it. I've been hoping to delay these sorts of feelings from developing until I felt more capable of accepting them.

  Adam remains silent, presumably lost in his own thought while my mind thrashes about in fear. Is it possible that he feels the same? Is that why he's so willing to wait an undefined amount of time for me? It's too soon, I tell myself. I hardly know him.

  Finally Adam sighs. Had he been waiting for me to say something? "Does Tommy have your kids tonight?"

  "Yes, until tomorrow morning. Why?"

  "Because I'm taking you into Statesboro," he answers decisively.

  I state at him blinking.

  "We won't see anyone you know there. We can have a real date like any other man and
woman. It's time you and I start doing this right. Still slow, but right."

  "Okay..." I breathe, "Let’s go to Statesboro."

  Chapter Twenty: Statesboro

  It's been a long time since I've been in Statesboro; probably since high school. The town is small and quaint, much like Swainsboro but with a population about twice its size. Tommy and I used to come here with friends to go camping and I catch myself reminiscing about those times with Tommy, Rebecca, Nikki, and Brett as Adam and I cross into the city limits and head towards the Beaver House where he has promised we will share a romantic and official first date.

  I'm wearing a dress and heeled sandals which make me feel pretty but also uncomfortable since I very rarely find the occasion to wear something this fancy. The hem of the dress falls just above my knee and I thought it looked good in the mirror in my bedroom. Here in Adam's car the light blue dress is riding up to mid thigh as I sit in the Lexus' too comfortable leather bucket seats. Adam's eyes have glanced over to my exposed legs more than a few times, which I know I should find flattering, but instead his attention is only adding to my nerves.

  I made the mistake of assuming Adam was capable of entertaining the idea of a date with another woman and he seemed personally offended that I could think such a thing about him. That is why we are on this date, so he can prove to me I am the only woman he wants. It just so happens he is the only man I want too, but knowing this in my heart and admitting it to him are two different things. I've kept him at arms length about as long as I think either of us can stand. It feels like a decision needs to be made by the end of this evening, and therefore my stomach is riddled with butterflies.