Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "Yay!"

  "I'm not sleepy."

  I cross my arms over my chest. "Gabby, baby, trust me. You'll fall asleep. That's the deal."

  They both agree so I go down to the basement to get the kids new toothbrushes and toothpaste from the supply closet. We go through our bedtime routine and I grab an extra blanket from the empty bedroom. In my absence the three have chosen to watch Tangled and I can't complain. I love this movie. Tyler lays his head on the arm rest with his cold feet in my lap and Gabby snuggles up against Adam on the other sofa.

  Seeing the four of us together causes mixed feelings inside my head and my heart. From a distance we must look like a family cuddling together to watch a movie, but it is a farce. Tommy's heart would break if he could see Adam sitting here in his place. I know mine would if I knew Tommy and Nikki had done the same with my kids the night before. When will this get easier? Will I ever feel right about being with another man; making Adam or someone else a stepfather to Tommy's children? The thought is still upsetting to me.

  I think back on my conversation with Tommy that morning and wonder how much of what he said was the truth. Gabby can't keep a secret for the world so I know he was honest about not kissing or holding Nikki in front of them. My daughter would have definitely told me that. But something doesn't feel right about Nikki's story of being suddenly homeless. It just feels too coincidental that Mayor Simpson put his foot down so soon after our divorce was finalized.

  Adam looks over at me while I'm lost in thought and has to clear his throat to get my attention. "Sorry," I whisper, embarrassed. Thank goodness he can't read my mind.

  "What's the matter?" he mouths back to me.

  My eyes go to Gabby and see she is asleep in his arms and we're only a third the way through the movie. "Not sleepy" she had said. Ha! Glancing beside me I see Tyler is also down for the count. "Just thinking," I reply quietly as I get up from the sofa and cover Tyler with the blanket we were sharing.

  Adam does the same, extricating himself from the sofa and gently laying Gabby's head on a throw pillow. He comes to me immediately and I can see wariness in his eyes. Why does my thinking give him cause for concern? It reminds me of times living with Tommy when I'd approach him saying, "So I've been thinking," and he'd automatically reply, "Uh oh," even if the rest of my sentence was to say I thought we should buy new curtains or eat less red meat. Every time, just the fact that I was thinking frightened him.

  "Are you having regrets?" Adam asks.

  My hand reaches up to cup his worried face and by feeling his cheek I realize that he has shaved since that morning. It reminds me of the wonderful time we spent with each other last night and the intimate moments shared after we woke up. I smile reassuringly and say, "not about you, absolutely not. I was thinking about my talk with Tommy this morning."

  "Will you tell me about it? I want to know."

  We settle down into the wing back chairs by the fireplace and even without the warmth and color of the flames I feel comforted here. This is a special place for Adam and me; a place we've shared so much about ourselves with each other. He reaches out to take my hand, slowly rubbing circles with his thumb over my skin. I tell him everything Tommy and I said to one another, recounting his story about Nikki crashing with him and our agreement not to tell the children anything yet. Adam listens with apt attention, never taking his eyes off me.

  "I don't know why I'm so disturbed by Nikki staying with him," I say wiping my eye prematurely. I haven't started crying but I know it's inevitable. "He admitted to sleeping with her once and I just don't think he's being honest about how close they've gotten. She has always liked him and I feel like she's been waiting for us to get divorced so she could make her move. And he'll respond to her, I know he will, if he honestly hasn't already. A part of me has always wondered why he didn't date Nikki in high school instead of me. She was clearly prettier, more outgoing, and a better match for him."

  Adam says nothing but watches me with pain in his eyes as the tears finally begin to track down my cheeks. Wiping them away with the back of my hand I look over at the kids to make sure they haven't woken up. "I'm sorry; you shouldn't have to see this. I'm not crying over losing Tommy, I swear."

  "Then what is it? What are you most afraid of, Amanda?"

  "She's living with him. Tyler and Gabby have hardly accepted their parents being apart and now their father has a live in girlfriend. Are they even in love? It's such a big step and he jumped right into it. How long can he really hide that from them? It's one thing to know he's dating again, that I expected, but her moving in? It's so fast. My kids sleep over there at least once a week. How long can he keep her on the couch?"

  "It sounds like Tommy is worried about their reactions too," Adam offers.

  I sniffle. "I know. And he does. I feel so guilty because this is all my fault. I fell out of love with their dad. I chose to leave him. All because I wanted... because I thought that maybe..."

  Adam's hand tightens around mine and he smoothes my hair back from my face. "Because you thought maybe what..."

  "I thought maybe the man I was truly meant to be with was still out there somewhere," I confess.

  My tears start anew as I worry about how Adam will interpret my admission. I don't want him thinking he is a crutch for my broken heart or that I'm rushing my feelings for him because I'm lonely. I don't like feeling like I jumped at the first man who showed interest in me after my divorce because that's how I feel about Tommy with Nikki.

  Adam tugs on my hand until I look up at him and he smiles. I don't know if he thinks I meant that he was the man I'd been searching for or not. My heart is telling me yes he is, but my head reasons that I couldn't have gotten so lucky so soon. What are the chances true love would move right into town, right into the B&B, just when I needed him most? I need to be mature and make rational decisions because the last thing I want to do is let infatuation and false feelings lead me down the wrong path again. I won't make the same mistakes twice.

  My crying jag starts to subside and when I look up at Adam with wet eyes he sighs. "Amanda, I can't tell you if I'm the man of your dreams or not, but I know for certain that you're the woman I've been searching for. I still haven't told you everything about Chicago, and sometime I will when it doesn't hurt so much to think about, but I feel like you've rescued me from that pain. It's not my place to say whether or not you were right to get divorced when you did or for what reasons. All I know is that if you don't wholeheartedly love someone it’s not right to pretend that you do."

  "It just feels so selfish," I whisper.

  "You weren't selfish, Amanda. You listened to your heart and did what it told you to do. Mine's telling me right now that we should be together and I don't think it's wrong."

  I reach out my hands to him and he pulls me onto his lap. His words are so comforting and I know we need to talk more about this new relationship we're beginning. Taking a deep breath I snuggle into his chest, breathing in his scent and calming my nerves. He kisses me sweetly to which I respond but he's careful not to get carried away and it reminds me we're not alone. The kids are still sleeping and I don't expect them to wake up, but I know they can't find me curled up in Adam's arms so I move myself back to my own chair just as a precaution. I nod my head in their directions and Adam smiles with understanding.

  "You know you're the first person I've wanted to be with since my separation, right?"

  Adam nods. "Other than Brett Tyson."

  "Right. I told you I've never dated anyone but Tommy, and what kind of dating experience is that when you're eighteen and in high school? So I don't really know how to do this."

  "Lindsey was not the best experience either. Maybe in what not to do perhaps. I want you to know, Amanda, that I broke up with Lindsey a while before I left Chicago but didn't really get away from here until I came here. So this is unexpected and fast for me too; I didn’t think I’d find you so quickly either. But I meant what I said last night; that I love you."

/>   "Me too. I love you too, Adam."

  He smiles broadly. "Then our hearts are telling us the same thing. We should listen to them, and figure out everything else as we go along."

  I nod eagerly because I couldn’t agree with him more.

  Chapter Twenty Two: Distractions

  A lot has changed just a week after my meltdown in front of Adam. The two businessmen have checked out of Thatcher's and new guests have arrived. A family of four is staying at the B&B for the next week and I have plenty to do with so many people to care for. My relationship with Adam feels stronger after I let all my feelings out in the torrent of tears, though I wish he hadn't seen me cry over my marriage the way I did. Oddly, I think it's brought us closer now that he knows all of my fears. It feels good to be hiding nothing from him anymore.

  I haven't had Adam over to the house all week because I can't think of a good explanation to give the kids for his being there. I'd like to spend time with him outside of work so that I'll feel more comfortable telling the kids that we are together. I wanted to wait to break that news until we've had more time to be sure of our relationship, but our alone time has been very limited and brief so I don't know how to accomplish that.

  We haven't had a second opportunity to sleep together either and the desire to join again in that way is driving us both mad. It's Saturday and Adam is not working. My kids are at the park with Aiden and his mom which Adam sees as an opportunity to spend time together. The vacationing family checked in yesterday so I have a lot of things to do between making meals and doing laundry, but still Adam stays in his room, beckoning to me each time I walk past his open door. He thinks he's being subtle, lying on his bed with those damn reading glasses on as he pretends to watch TV. He doesn't need them for distance, who does he think he's fooling?

  I really need to go over the income and expenses before Mr. Thatcher comes to collect the monthly ledgers and receipts for his accountant. He won't be here today, but probably by tomorrow afternoon. I'm in the upstairs bathroom cleaning the toilet and tile floor again; the four year old boy staying here with his parents has even worse aim then Tyler does. Adam knows I'm on the second floor and I suppress a smile thinking about him waiting for me. Secretly, I love that he wants me but being that this is my place of employment I’m conflicted. Part of me wants to run into his room and jump him. The other part wishes he'd go help Dr. Brickman at the office and stop wafting his male pheromones into the hallway.

  When the bathroom is clean I know I have to pass by Adam's room again to get downstairs. I have a load of laundry in the dryer and with a few hours before dinnertime I think I can really make a dent in my bookkeeping work. I swipe a loose strand of hair behind one ear and head for the stairs. The darn squeaky floorboards in the upstairs hall tip off Adam that I am coming and he meets me in the doorway as I attempt to pass.

  He grabs my hand and spins me around to face him. "Where do you think you're going, beautiful?"

  "To complete more of my B&B related duties before the Sampson's return from the lake," I reply sweetly.

  "But I have a B&B related situation in here." Adam tugs me towards him and shuts the door with me inside his room.

  I play along with his game, glancing innocently around the room. "What seems to be the trouble, Dr. Brickman? I see no laundry in the basket, your television appears to be in working order, and the linens are fresh."

  Adam smiles brilliantly. "Precisely my point, Miss Sommerer. The bed is too neat; the corners tucked so snugly that it's obvious my girlfriend hasn't laid in it yet today."

  My hands go to my hips and I purse my lips in a pout. "Are you telling me you feel neglected, Dr. Brickman?"

  He nods and takes a step towards me closing the space between us. "Come rumple these sheets with me, Amanda," he whispers with wide eyes and a hopeful expression.

  Adam places his hands on my hips and I struggle against him a little, but I know my efforts are in vain. My sense of work ethic is all that has kept me from jumping him since the minute the kids left for the park. No one else is in the house at the moment and I’m weak enough to let him sweep me into his arms. He nuzzles my neck and walks me backwards towards the bed.

  "Mmm, you smell good."

  "I just washed my hands because I was wiping up urine from the bathroom floor," I reply just before he kisses me.

  Adam chuckles and nuzzles my neck again. "I love it when you talk shop with me."

  "What am I going to do with you?" I ask exasperated.

  "Now your mind's on the right track, Miss Sommerer. What will you do with me?" he teases playfully and kisses my cheek.

  My heart flutters and I feel the walls coming down all around me. I want this man so much I can hardly stand it. I slide my hands up Adam's chest, around the back of his neck, and pull his lips to mine. When we part for air I push him back onto the bed and make a point of rumpling up the sheets on either side of him as I climb up to straddle his hips.

  "Is this what you were hoping for?"

  "A little less clothing and I've think we've got something here," he replies.

  "Sorry, buddy. I may be embarrassingly susceptible to your charms but I'm still at work. A little over the jeans groping is all you will get, I'm afraid." My hand moves to cover his groin and I feel just how worked up Adam truly is. I want nothing more than to rip his clothes off and have my way with him but my conscience is fully in check. I won't be irresponsible at my place of work when my boss or children could show up at any moment.

  "This is what I get for falling for such a responsible, capable, career woman," he groans.

  I chuckle as my hand massages him in what must be a torturous way and my mouth licks and kisses his neck. Adam's hands move to my behind and squeeze firmly. Now I groan, wishing we had more time. I kiss him thoroughly as our hands move over one another in enticing ways.

  "Go out with me tonight," he says when I pull my mouth away from his to breathe.

  "I have to drop the kids off at Tommy's apartment after dinner. I could meet you back at my house," I suggest.

  Adam sits up on the bed and wraps my legs around his waist as I sit in his lap. "No, I want to take you out. What about Sarah's?"

  "I'm worried people will think it's a date," I respond shyly.

  "It would be a date."

  "Can we invite Rebecca and Eric? Then it would be a double date but to everyone else there we'd appear to be a group of friends."

  Adam stares me down for a moment but then his expression softens. "Okay. People will figure it out sooner or later though, Amanda. Wouldn't you rather be ahead of the gossip than let them find out on their own?"

  Frowning I reply, "I see your point, I do... but I need a few more days to figure out how to tell the kids."

  "Do you want me to be there when you tell them?"

  "No, I'd rather do it on my own, but thank you for offering," I say before kissing his lips softly. "I need to get downstairs. I'll call Rebecca about tonight, okay?"

  Adam hugs me closer for a moment and then relents. I kiss him long and hard once more, unable to resist his sexy pout. "You're a bad influence on me," I tease. Adam smiles happily.

  To his credit, Adam leaves me alone the rest of the afternoon. Tyler and Gabby return from the park about half an hour after I finish the laundry. They're hungry and dirty so while they're washing up and eating their lunch I have time to go over the B&B books. Revenue flow has been steady since Adam checked in and I think Mr. Thatcher will be pleased with the monthly profits. I still need to add up my expenditures but I think the bottom line will be favorable. I've had some dry cleaning bills, larger food bills, and one restock of supplies to tally up.

  The Sampson family gets back from their day at the lake and we all have a nice dinner together. Abby and Tom look to be in their late 20's and their two kids are really sweet and well behaved. They have a four year old son and a six year old daughter who Gabby follows around like a shadow. We talk over dinner about their trip to the lake and what other places
in town they should visit during their vacation. Tom is a podiatrist so he and Adam share experiences in the medical field. Abby and I have a nice conversation about raising kids and share our war stories of labor.

  After dinner Abby instructs her kids to bring their dishes into the kitchen and as usual Adam grabs a dishtowel to give me a hand with the clean up. Tyler and Gabby enjoy some time with the Sampson's kids in the living room while I get the kitchen back in order. I tell Adam that I need to go home to gather the kids' overnight bags and then take them to Tommy's apartment. We agree that he can pick me up at home at eight o'clock and we'll drive together to Sarah's where Rebecca and Eric have agreed to drinks with us.

  Nikki's car is outside Tommy's apartment when I arrive with the kids and I am really not in the mood to deal with her right now. I know I don't have a choice and that she will be spending time with my kids so I decide to grin and bear it. It feels like she's stepping on my toes a little; knowing that she will be with my family while I'm away for the next twenty four hours but this is a consequence of the choice I've made. I need to get used to the fact that if it isn't Nikki Simpson then it will be some other woman spending weekends with my kids. Still, the possibility that she may someday be Gabby's step mother, talking to her about clothes and boys the same way I will be, nearly brings me to tears as I knock on the door.

  Thankfully it is Tommy who answers the door and not her. The kids hug him excitedly and I take the opportunity to glance around the room. Nikki isn't there but I can see her presence immediately. Taylor Swift is playing on the iPod dock and new magenta throw pillows have been added to the sofa. I can also sense a new scent in the room. Instead of the usual mysterious bachelor pad odor it smells like vanilla and freesia.