Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "Once the baby was born they did a paternity test in the hospital," Adam whispers. It is obvious this is a painful memory for him to relive. His shoulders are slightly hunched and he's staring into the flames in the fireplace. I know what he is about to say before he says it, and I can't even imagine getting that kind of news about a child you just saw enter the world.

  "I was holding Chloe when the doctor came in with the results. She was sleeping in my arms; all swaddled up like a pink little angel, when the doctor said I wasn't a match for her father. Over ninety percent sure I wasn't related he said. Lindsey started to cry. I remember feeling like I had no business holding the baby any longer. The doctor left us alone; it was a very awkward situation to witness I'm sure. I tried to hand the baby back to Lindsey but she was crying hard and it woke Chloe, who then also started to cry. Lindsey waved her hands at me to say she didn't want to take the baby from me so I pulled her back against my chest and she calmed down. She liked that I was holding her."

  "Oh, Adam." He looks at me and I see in his eyes that he in on the verge of tears.

  "I was heartbroken to get those results and I realized I wanted to be Chloe's father more than anything."

  A tear slides slowly down my cheek and I discreetly wipe it away before Adam notices. I keep quiet, not wanting to make this any harder on him. Hearing his story is so much more intense than I anticipated. I'd been so fixated on how he'd lied to me by omission I didn't stop to think about what he might have experienced.

  "So as you've probably figured out already, I stayed with Lindsey. She left the hospital with Chloe and came back to my apartment. You know how it feels to give birth; there was no way I could leave her alone even if I'd wanted to break up with her. She was recovering from labor and sleep deprived. She needed help.

  “My parents demanded I leave Lindsey as soon as she was able to stand on her own two feet, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. For one, Lindsey is not the type of person who will ever be self sufficient. She's always had someone taking care of her before and likes it that way. Her parents live in Indiana and were not willing to go stay with her. So I felt obligated to help her, not just because she had no one else but in a way I was partially responsible for the child. Even though she wasn't mine Lindsey was still my girlfriend. It could have just as easily been me that had gotten her pregnant. It wasn’t me, but unfortunately after just a few days I was addicted to that baby. I spent nine months thinking the child was probably mine and I didn't know just how quickly I'd fall in love with her.”

  "Immediately. That's how it was for me," I say. Adam may be able to contain his emotions but tears are streaming down my face now as I imagine Tommy or me in Adam's situation. "You don't realize how much you can love a person you just met." Adam nods and reaches over to take my hand but doesn't look at me. I guess he heard my sniffling.

  "So Lindsey stayed at my apartment and I helped her care for Chloe. We weren't having sex any longer; were not a real couple anymore. What exactly the three of us were was something I simply put off defining. Time passed so quickly and it was months before I sat back and realized Lindsey and I were essentially roommates raising a child together. The situation only got worse when Chloe was about one year old. I saw just how much she had grown; starting to walk and babbling words like mama and dada. I realized at that time that I had to make a decision one way or another."

  "Lindsey and I had a long talk and we agreed we were not in love. I told her we shouldn't be a couple just because of Chloe so we broke up. I rented Lindsey an apartment in my building and she and Chloe moved out. I continued seeing them every day while I finished med school but I tried to gradually put some distance between us. Lindsey would freak out whenever I went on a date with another woman. Sometimes she'd beg me to take her back and make us a family. I was often tempted to do it because I missed the relationship I used to have with Chloe, but I knew Lindsey and me were not compatible. Sometimes when we fought Lindsey would threaten to take Chloe away from me. She used her own daughter as blackmail. I knew eventually she might actually do it and since I had absolutely no parental rights I had to think about what that would do to me."

  I can't believe Lindsey could be so cruel when Adam was clearly bending over backwards to help her. The baby wasn't his, what did she expect him to do? Pretend she was for the rest of his life? I can see how much pain Adam has experienced because of Lindsey's irresponsibility and it breaks my heart.

  "When my residency was coming to an end I made the incredibly difficult decision that it was time to leave," he continues. "If I wasn't going to commit to Lindsey then I needed a clean break. It wouldn't be good for Chloe to grow up thinking of me as her father because Lindsey could take her away from me any time she wanted. Eventually she would meet another man and where would that leave me? I knew someday Lindsey would find a man to marry and then he would be Chloe's father. With no legal custody rights I would have no options when it came to what state they lived in or how they raised her.

  “So I decided to take my father's offer to work in his practice and move to Swainsboro so I could start over. As you can imagine, Lindsey was furious when I told her I was leaving Chicago. She had graduated by then and had a decent job. I told her I wanted her to start paying her own rent and I think that pissed her off more than my leaving."

  Adam looks at me, holding his breath as he waits for me to say something. The story is unbelievable, and yet I believe every word he's said. I'm stunned by all this new information and can see how overwhelmed he must have felt all this time. I just still don't like that he lied. "Why did you hide all this from me for so long, Adam?" I ask pulling my hand out of his.

  His face falls further, upset that I broke the physical contact between us. "I thought you wouldn't accept me if you knew I left behind a child in Chicago. I know how your decisions are made in regards to what's best for your children. I thought if you knew the truth then you'd never trust me not to do the same to you and your family. You have to understand that's the only reason I kept this from you, Amanda. I feel so guilty for what I've done and Lindsey has done everything she can to make it worse for me. I didn't want to tell you about Chloe because I know how much you treasure Tyler and Gabby. I was so afraid you would look at me and see a failure; that you could never love a man who would desert a little baby the way I did."

  "I don't think that of you, Adam. And I'm not afraid you're some dead beat dad who will leave me high and dry. I'm never going to let myself become dependent on you or any man," I say firmly.

  Adam smiles a little. "That's one of the many things I loved about you from the beginning. How strong and brave you are. How you don't blame anyone for your decisions. And the responsibility and pride you take in your family."

  "Thank you. I can imagine the predicament you were in and how hard it must have been for you to do what you thought was best for Chloe at the time. I just wished I asked you to tell me all this sooner."

  "You had your own issues to work out. I didn't want to complicate things with my problems. As far as I knew they were in the past and not something that would follow me here except in my own mind. But I was wrong. Lindsey's been calling me repeatedly and now she's finally come in person to try to get me to move back to Chicago. I'm not going to do that, and I promise you, Amanda, that I don't love Lindsey anymore. Our relationship was never healthy, even before Chloe came along."

  "Even though you're not genetically linked to this little girl, or this dysfunctional family, it's obvious to me that your heart is still in it. What are you going to do now, Adam?" I ask, so afraid to hear the answer.

  "My father wants me to put a restraining order against her but I could never do that. It's ridiculous; Lindsey is lonely and scared… not dangerous. All I know is that I can't think straight with you angry with me. I picture you walking out on me over and over and it's been killing me. You don't trust me anymore," he says matter-of-factly.

  I move my chair to face him more directly and take both his hands in m
ine, which surprises him. "You kept things from me you shouldn't have. I had a right to know exactly who I was getting involved with. But old mistakes aside, I do know you, Adam. And despite everything I still trust you; your heart is good. I know you're a good man."

  Adam scoffs at my words but tightens his grip on my fingers. "I hate that Chloe is growing up without a father. Do you think I owed it to her to stay in Chicago?"

  Shaking my head I say, "Chloe's situation sucks, Adam, I agree with you there. But the reason she has no father is not because you left Chicago. It's because her mother forgot to get the guy's name and number as she was putting her panties back on."

  Adam's eyes widen minutely from the sudden anger in my voice. "Where is Lindsey now?" I ask.

  He winces. "Staying at my parents' house. I didn't think you'd want them here and it didn't seem fair for you to have to take care of them as guests."

  "Are they okay there? I know how your parents feel about Lindsey."

  "Yes. My mom and dad are shocked that Lindsey had the nerve to come here looking for me but they would never be rude to her face."

  I sigh. "It's a mess, but I want to help you get through this. I don't want to let this come between us any longer."

  Adam opens his arms to me and I go willingly into his lap. He whispers, "I've always been yours, since the very beginning."

  "So you keep telling me," I reply dryly.

  "It's the truth," he says kissing the side of my head.

  I hum happily as he holds me close. He's been so accepting of the life I had before meeting him; the ex husband, the two kids. And he's given me all the time I could ask for when we started dating. I can't deny him a little acceptance now that it's his past rearing its ugly head. So we sit, getting reacquainted with one another. I feel the steady pounding of his heart inside his chest and breathe in that distinct comforting scent of his aftershave.

  After some time Adam shifts in his chair and it jars me from the sleepy daydream I'd been indulging in. "What time is it?"

  Adam looks at his watch. "Three o'clock."

  "I've left Rebecca tending to Brett for almost two hours. Will you come back to the house with me so I can relieve her?"

  "I'd love to. Does she have Tyler and Gabby too?"

  I shake my head. "No, Tommy picked them up at two. They're staying with him tonight." As I say these words I wonder if Adam is thinking the same thing I am. My house will be kid-free all night long, and with Brett going home with Rachel later tonight Adam and I will have privacy to make up properly. Not that Brett has been a burden or anything, but I'm suddenly very happy Rachel will be taking over as nurse maid in a few hours.

  "Come on, let's go check on the patient," Adam says in his doctor voice.

  We take my car and Adam says he will walk home later. I'm not sure he realizes that the house will be empty soon. I don't correct him, thinking maybe it's better that way. We've only just worked out our issues and it might be better not to rush into bed. My trust has been tested and I haven't had a lot of time to process how I feel about his past. I know that I forgive him and still want to be his girlfriend. For now that's enough.

  When we walk into the house Adam is holding my hand and smiling. Rebecca will be so happy to see we've reconciled. I'm watching Adam's handsome face and grinning ear to ear as we enter the living room. Then Adam says, "Oh, shit," under his breath.

  "What?" I ask alarmed. That's when he points to the couch. Brett is there, still lying down under Nana Miller's afghan, but with a wide eyed Lindsey sitting beside him.

  "What in the world are you doing here?" I exclaim before my manners catch up with my mouth.

  Adam sighs. "Probably looking for me. What's going on, Lindsey?"

  "I'm so sorry for showing up unannounced," she says looking at me. "I just can't stay at the Brickman's anymore. I was hoping Adam would be here. I have to find somewhere else to stay until we get things sorted out."

  "Where's Chloe?" Adam replies.

  "She’s in the kitchen with Amanda's friend."

  I frown at Adam. So much for moving forward in the privacy of my home tonight. It seems like Adam's past is not entirely behind him; apparently there are things to be sorted. "I'm going to talk to Rebecca," I say and head towards the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I see Adam scowling at Lindsey as I walk away.

  Rebecca is washing dishes at the sink and Chloe is sitting at the kitchen table drinking from one of Gabby's sippy cups and eating grapes. They both stare at me as I enter the room.

  "I am so sorry, Amanda. I asked her to leave but she says she has nowhere else to go. I couldn't care less about her but I couldn't kick this poor little girl out on the street."

  "It's okay, I'm not mad at you," I sigh turning my head to see Chloe watching me cautiously. "Did Tommy and the kids see them?"

  Rebecca shakes her head. "No, he left with them about twenty minute before she showed up, thank God. She's been in there talking to Brett this whole time."

  "Yeah, what's that about? They look pretty friendly for having just met."

  "I don't know. I didn't want to make small talk so I left them together. They've been talking and laughing for a half hour."

  I can feel my facial muscles constricting into a scowl. "She sitting next to him on the couch and I swear I saw her hand on his arm when I first looked."

  Rebecca pretends to shiver in disgust. "Gross. Did you see how he's sitting up straighter too? Like being able to sit upright will impress her or something," she giggles.

  "I hope it's hurting his ribs."

  Rebecca smiles. "I'm sure it is. So tell me, how did it go at the B&B? It seemed like a good sign you brought him back here. Is that all washed away with her showing up?"

  "No. I believe Adam was telling me the truth and I feel like we're going to be okay. His life is more complicated than I thought, but he's been so understanding with me I owe him the same support, right?"

  Rebecca smiles. "Good. I'm glad to hear you've made up. Now what are you going to do about... you know," she says quietly, nodding towards the living room.

  "Adam's talking to her now. Do you think I can go out there? I'm dying to know what they're saying."

  "It's your house, sweetie. If Lindsey didn't want you to know her business she shouldn't have come here."

  "I guess you're right. I'm a part of this now."

  As I walk into the living room I see Chloe following close behind me. She goes over to her mother and tugs on her leg for attention. Lindsey is speaking under her breath to Brett, which I find extremely odd. Adam is standing exactly where I left him, in the center of the room with his arms folded across his chest. I link my arm around Adam's elbow in a deliberately possessive way.

  "Are you okay?" Adam asks, looking down at me with concern in his eyes.

  "I'm fine. What about you?"

  "Lindsey won't stay at my parents' any longer. Bianca came to the house. She has a way of showing a person they're extremely unwelcome without having to say it."

  "How much longer does she intend to stay in town?"

  "I don't know. She thought she'd find me here under different circumstances; lonely and bored in this town she knew I wasn't excited to move to. She thought it would be easy to convince me to move back if I saw her. If I saw Chloe again."

  Adam frowns and glances over to the little girl trying to get her mother's attention. "That part of the plan is working a little bit, isn't it?" I whisper.

  Shaking his head, Adam says, "No. I've explained to her that under no circumstances am I moving back to Chicago. I don't want to support her the way I had been so I've offered to help her get a better apartment and a new job. But that's hard to do if she won't leave Swainsboro. Yesterday we were looking at apartments online and I helped her draft a new resume."

  Lindsey finally acknowledges Chloe's persistent pleas for attention and picks her up. When she looks over at me her eyes immediately fall to my arm that is still wrapped around Adam's elbow. I don't know what else she needs to so
rt out with Adam but it seems to me the most important task right now is finding her a place to stay. I'm worried Lindsey is going to ask to come back to the B&B. I could never refuse her just because it makes me uncomfortable and the next closest hotel is in Savannah.

  Everyone is staring at one another in awkward silence; me at Lindsey, Lindsey at Adam, Adam at Chloe, and Brett at me. Surprisingly, it's my injured friend who speaks up first. "So I think I have a short term solution," he says after clearing his throat roughly.

  "Solution for what?" I ask. "What do you think-"

  Brett holds up his hand. "Just listen, Mandy. Lindsey and Chloe need a place to live for a little while. I need someone to help me around the house so I'm not a burden on my sister. It makes sense for them to stay with me."

  "Are you crazy?" I blurt.

  "Think about it. She can't afford the B&B. Rachel can't afford to take time away from the restaurant to help me out. And she doesn't want to stay with the Brickman's any longer. This is a win win for everyone."

  "Brett, if you think your being here is a burden on me you're wrong. I don't mind taking care of you."

  "Yeah, but I do. You have enough going on with the kids and your job. This will work out, trust me."

  I make a face thinking about Brett befriending Lindsey but other than shipping her back to Chicago tonight I don't see many other options. I really don't want her at Thatcher's with Adam. I don't know anything about this woman besides all the terrible things she's put Adam through. I don't trust her but looking at Chloe I realize that somehow we have to help Lindsey if for no other reason than the sake of this innocent little girl.

  "What do you think?" I ask Adam.

  He shrugs. "It's a temporary solution but if Lindsey is comfortable with that then I won't stand in their way."