The Moment She Left

by Susan Lewis

  ‘Are they tall?’

  ‘Actually not as far as I know, although I’m sure he adds a little embellishment here and there. I’ll have to get these off to him tomorrow, or they won’t arrive in time for his next presentation.’

  ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’

  ‘Thanks, but they’re mostly already sealed up and addressed. Jonno, Anna’s assistant, will come and help me carry them to the gallery in the morning ready for the courier.’

  Minutes later, while Gina went back down to the kitchen to fetch lemonade, Andee returned to the sitting room and was idly browsing the coffee-table books when she came to a sudden stop. The shock of what she was seeing was making it difficult to think straight; too much was happening at once, and not seeming to make any sense. Picking up the small, battered paperback, she turned it over, opened it up and even, in a distracted way, started to read.

  ‘Ah ha, you’ve unearthed my guilty pleasure,’ Gina laughed as she came into the room.

  ‘Seriously?’ Andee asked, turning to look at her.

  ‘Not really, but it can be quite calming in its way. It belonged to my great-grandmother.’

  ‘Was she Amish?’

  ‘Oh yes, until she met my great-grandfather and decided to leave the Church. Such a scandal, especially for the time. She wrote about it, how hard it was being shunned by her family and the rest of the community; it’s what happens to everyone who turns their back on that life, even now. Can you imagine, even her own mother wouldn’t see or speak to her again, or her father, and they’d been very close. It would have broken her heart if she hadn’t loved her husband so much. Of course, if it weren’t for loving him so much she’d never have left.’

  ‘Do you still have what she wrote?’

  ‘My mother does, in Pennsylvania. She’s keeping it for Lydia. Meanwhile, I get the prayer book.’

  Setting it back on the table, Andee took the glass of lemonade Gina was offering and followed her out to the balcony, barely registering the sounds of gulls shrieking overhead while a steam train hooted merrily across the water. She needed to think this through, go over it carefully, because too many thoughts were coming at her at once, scenarios that hardly seemed likely, connections refusing to be made, but whether by her, or by implausibility, she had no idea.

  ‘Everything OK?’ Gina asked curiously.

  Andee’s eyes went to hers. ‘Yes, of course,’ she smiled. ‘Sorry, I was miles away.’ Thinking fast, she said, ‘I’ve been wanting to ask how you really are? Of course you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but Charles tells me there’s been no return of the cancer . . .’

  Touching the wooden balustrade, Gina said, ‘I’m doing great, thanks. But being minus one breast and an entire womb, and going through an early menopause wasn’t much fun. Actually, it’s why Charles and I aren’t as close as we used to be, I’m sure of it. Until my diagnosis we always had a very healthy sex life, but once the treatment was over . . . To be honest, I find intimacy quite painful and as my libido is about as active as a dead fish, there’s nothing to drive me.’

  ‘You’ve sought help, obviously?’

  ‘Believe me, I’ve tried everything.’ She sighed sadly. ‘So we rub along, still loving one another, and enjoying each other’s company as long as we’re not together for too long, but there’s no physical bond between us now. And do you know, what’s surprised me the most since it happened to me, is how many other couples are hiding the same thing. It’s the great untalked-about horror that some menopausal women face, and could very well be the reason why so many older men go off and find themselves younger models.’

  ‘But not Charles?’

  Gina’s eyes drifted across the estuary as she shook her head. ‘None that he’s ever admitted to.’

  ‘But you suspect there is someone?’

  ‘Was. Past tense. I don’t think she’s around any more, but losing her, giving her up, whatever happened, has affected him deeply.’

  ‘Do you have any idea who she was?’

  Gina nodded. ‘Yes, I know. He’s told me in ways he’s not even aware of. I guess you could say I tricked it out of him, and now I wish I hadn’t because it’s put me in the same sort of hell.’

  Confused, Andee waited for her to expand, but all she said was, ‘Marriages. They’re never what they seem from the outside, are they? They’re so full of secrets and guilt and lies, all mixed up with love and loyalty and God only knows what else.’ Turning to Andee, she said, ‘Have you spent much time with Charles since he went back to the Hall?’

  Andee shook her head. ‘Not really. I can tell he’s stressed, though. There’s obviously something on his mind.’

  Gina nodded. ‘Did he mention anything to you about being blackmailed?’

  ‘As a matter of fact he did, but he said it was happening to a friend of his.’

  Not contradicting that, Gina said, ‘I’m guessing he’s asked you to try to find out who it is. The blackmailer, I mean, not the friend.’

  ‘Yes, he has.’

  ‘And you said?’

  ‘That until I know what it’s about there’s nothing I can do.’ After a pause she added, ‘Do you know what it’s about?’

  For a long time it seemed as though Gina wouldn’t answer as she gazed out to sea, watching erratic sparks of sunlight on the waves, until eventually she said, ‘I don’t know everything, but what I do know . . .’

  Andee waited.

  ‘I wish I didn’t.’

  Chapter Fifteen

  It was around lunchtime the following day when Rowzee arrived home to find Pamela in the kitchen, clearly in tears, and being comforted by . . . Bill Simmonds?

  ‘What on earth is it?’ Rowzee cried, rushing straight to Pamela’s side. ‘What’s happened?’

  Woefully, Pamela said, ‘You’re not going to believe this, but Bill’s just offered me a job.’

  Stunned, Rowzee turned to Bill. What kind of a job could make Pamela cry and Bill look so pleased with himself?

  ‘He’s asked me to go and run his caravan park over at Paradise Cove,’ Pamela explained, dabbing her eyes.

  Rowzee blinked. ‘You have a caravan park?’ she exclaimed in amazement. ‘How marvellous. I had no idea.’

  ‘I just closed the deal,’ he smiled. ‘It’s next door to my nursery.’

  ‘I didn’t know about it either, until he told me,’ Pamela said, blowing her nose.

  ‘Well, a bloke can’t go round telling girls all his secrets now, can he?’ Bill retorted. ‘Or he’ll lose all his mystery and what’s the use of a bloke without mystery?’

  At that, Pamela’s eyes sparkled. ‘Or a mower,’ she added, making herself giggle.

  Deciding she rather liked the way this was going, Rowzee said, ‘So when do you start this new job?’

  ‘As soon as she wishes,’ Bill replied. ‘The old manager’s still running the show, but he’ll be happy to hand over as soon as Pammy’s ready.’

  Pammy!

  Rowzee looked at her sister, who seemed about to speak when she burst into tears again. ‘I’m sorry,’ she wailed as Rowzee folded her into a tender embrace. ‘I’m feeling very emotional today. So much seems to be happening and I don’t understand why I’m upset when I’m thrilled by the offer, really. I haven’t had a job in so long, and to think someone would trust me . . .’

  ‘Of course someone would trust you,’ Rowzee cried with feeling. ‘You’re a very good manager.’

  ‘I used to be, but I will be again,’ she promised Bill. ‘It’ll be a really good start for the new me.’

  Frowning, Rowzee was about to ask when Bill said, ‘I keep telling her, I didn’t mind the old her, not one bit.’

  Doing her best to keep up, Rowzee blinked as Pamela suddenly got up.

  ‘I have presents for you,’ Pamela declared, going to collect an armful of carrier bags and bringing them back to Rowzee. ‘It’s the kind of things you like, scented candles, expensive bubble bath, a lovely silk scarf,
a cashmere sweater . . . You’ll see when you open them.’

  Becoming more bemused by the second, Rowzee looked at the bags and back at her sister. ‘It’s not my birthday,’ she pointed out unnecessarily.

  ‘I know that. It’s not the girls’ birthdays either, but I’ve got things for them too,’ and to Rowzee’s astonishment she started to cry again.

  ‘There, there,’ Bill soothed, fondly patting her back. ‘It’ll be all right, you just wait and see.’

  Rowzee wanted to sit down, or wake up, or go out and come in again. She couldn’t make out what was going on, and was afraid to ask in case her own inadequacies were causing the confusion.

  ‘I haven’t cried this much since I was a child,’ Pamela confessed. ‘Or not that I can remember.’

  ‘It’s good to get it all out,’ Bill gently informed her. ‘You know what the therapist said, no holding back.’

  Therapist? Pamela was seeing a therapist? Did Rowzee know this and had forgotten? In the end she had to ask.

  ‘I didn’t tell you,’ Pamela replied, ‘because I wanted to be sure it would work. I think it has, in a way, but it’s making me a bit of an emotional wreck. Actually, it’s your fault,’ she told Bill. ‘You shouldn’t be nice to me.’

  ‘It won’t happen again,’ he promised.

  Ordinarily Rowzee would have laughed at that, but she was so perplexed that she wasn’t even sure she was hearing right. ‘You’ve been going to therapy?’ she asked Pamela.

  Seeming both embarrassed and defensive, Pamela said, ‘I’ve been trying to turn myself into a nice person, like you.’

  Rowzee didn’t know what to say, but eventually the right words managed to trip out, almost of their own accord. ‘But you are a nice person. You’re lovely . . .’

  ‘No I’m not,’ Pamela snapped impatiently. ‘I’m bad-tempered, resentful, always critical, snobbish . . .’

  ‘Oh, I’m coming over all unnecessary,’ Bill cautioned.

  With a splutter of laughter, Pamela said, ‘You fool.’

  Looking from one to the other and certain she must be dreaming, Rowzee said, ‘We all love you the way you are . . .’

  ‘But I don’t,’ Pamela cut in quickly. ‘It’s horrible being so angry and uptight all the time. I want to be calm and happy and kind, like you. So I thought, if I went to see someone, they’d help me to find out why I’m so querulous and hostile, and if I could find out why I might be able to change it.’

  Rowzee glanced at Bill, clocked his suspiciously benign smile, and turned back to Pamela. ‘So did you find out why?’ she asked.

  ‘Oh there are a lot of things that came up from the past,’ Pamela admitted, ‘most of it to do with you, as a matter of fact. I always thought you were the favourite, you see . . . Well, you were, which is why I’ve always felt so second best and angry with the world, because our parents never loved me as much as they loved you.’

  Shocked, Rowzee cried, ‘That is absolutely not true. I don’t know why you’re telling yourself that when Mummy and Daddy adored you. You were the one with all the character, the feisty, gutsy one who wasn’t afraid to take on anything or anyone to make sure the right thing was done. They were so proud of you, and I always wished I could be more like you.’

  Pamela appeared bewildered.

  ‘Coffee, anyone?’ Bill offered cheerily.

  Rowzee said, ‘Yes, please,’ and holding out her arms she went to wrap them around her sister. ‘I can’t believe you’ve been having therapy to try and change yourself. You’re perfect as you are . . .’

  ‘I’m angry and negative and that’s not good. It’s like lots of demons are all locked up inside me, and I don’t expect I’ll ever get rid of them all, but the therapist has encouraged me to start being kind to myself and to those I love, so that’s what I’m trying to do. I have to appreciate myself more, he said, and feel good about myself when I look in the mirror. I need to think about what I’m saying to others to make sure it isn’t hurtful or offensive or meant to make them feel small.’

  ‘And you’re doing marvellously,’ Bill assured her. ‘You only bit my head off twice when we had dinner last night, mind you, I thoroughly enjoyed both times.’

  Rowzee blurted, ‘You two had dinner last night?’

  With a sigh, Pamela explained, ‘When you rang to say you weren’t coming home . . . I’d already bought salmon steaks for our supper, and it seemed a shame to waste them.’

  ‘So you rang Bill?’

  ‘Actually he was already here,’ Pamela said irritably. ‘And I thought it would be a good opportunity, as a part of my therapy, to be nice to someone I might have wronged.’

  ‘I told her,’ Bill put in, ‘I have no objection to her experimenting on me.’

  Rowzee looked from him to the carrier bags full of presents, to the dear, dear sister struggling to be a better person, and suddenly felt so overwhelmed that she couldn’t collect any thoughts at all.

  ‘. . . I thought she’d have come in with you,’ Pamela was saying.

  ‘Who?’ Rowzee asked.

  ‘Andee. Didn’t she bring you back?’

  Andee? Back from where?

  ‘Are you OK?’ Pamela asked, peering at her. ‘You look a bit . . . glazed.’

  Oddly it was exactly how she felt.

  ‘Are you going to tell us about your stepson?’ Pamela urged. ‘What’s his mother like? I hope they didn’t try to get any money out of you.’

  ‘Andee’s trying to find Jessica,’ Rowzee heard herself mumble.

  Frowning, Pamela said, ‘I know she was going to see Jenny. Did you see Jenny too?’

  Rowzee shook her head. ‘That poor, dear girl. What on earth has happened to her?’

  Glancing worriedly at Bill, Pamela said, ‘It’s what we’d all like to know.’

  ‘I can’t stop thinking about her,’ Rowzee confided.

  Carefully, Pamela said, ‘How long has she been missing now?’

  Rowzee looked at her, not sure what to say. Everything seemed so tangled and unreachable, with small flickers of light sparking in the darkness. Pamela had asked about Victor’s son. ‘His name’s Sean,’ she said, ‘and he looks just like Victor.’

  Pamela’s eyes were narrowed as she regarded her closely. ‘What did he have to say for himself?’ she asked. ‘Whatever it was, I hope it started with an apology.’

  ‘He’s in a vegetative state,’ Rowzee responded. ‘His mother’s taking care of him, and his son. It was very shocking and upsetting to see.’

  Pamela looked at Bill as he set down a pot of coffee and fresh cups. ‘Are you sure,’ she ventured tentatively, ‘they weren’t trying it on? You know, pretending he was out of it to try and get your sympathy?’

  Rowzee felt sure, but couldn’t find the words to convince Pamela.

  ‘Did Andee go in with you?’ Bill asked.

  Rowzee nodded. ‘Yes, she was there. She’s gone to see Charles now.’

  As Pamela started to speak again there was a knock at the door, and moments later Lucie was bounding into the kitchen with Teddy, her adorably daft and excitable Wheaten terrier.

  ‘Oh Teddy,’ Rowzee smiled in delight, clasping his eager face in both hands as he came straight to her. He was so soft and fluffy, with curly champagne-coloured fur, irresistible brown eyes and a tail that never stopped wagging. ‘I’d forgotten you were coming today,’ she crooned, planting a kiss on his head. ‘Isn’t this lovely?’ she gushed to Pamela and Bill. ‘We’ve got him for a whole two weeks.’

  ‘Are you OK, Mum?’ Lucie asked, going to embrace Pamela. ‘You look as though you’ve been crying.’

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ Pamela scolded. ‘What have I got to cry about?’

  Eyeing her suspiciously, Lucie turned to Bill. ‘How are you?’ she smiled, hugging him too. ‘You know, the guy you recommended to take over our garden is an absolute genius. I can’t thank you enough.’

  ‘Glad he’s working out,’ Bill responded. ‘Are you staying for coffee? I’ve just made
some.’

  Lucie was apparently unfazed by him playing host. ‘I’d love to, but I have to rush . . . What’s all this?’ she asked, as Pamela handed her half a dozen carrier bags.

  ‘A few things I picked up for you,’ Pamela told her. ‘You don’t have to open them now. Remind me, is Katie going away with you?’

  ‘No, she’s already in Cornwall with Bob’s parents. Mum! I hope you’re not getting Alzheimer’s. Wow! What have I done to deserve all this?’ she exclaimed, peeking into one of the bags. ‘My God, this is seriously expensive stuff . . .’

  ‘Just enjoy it,’ Pamela interrupted crossly.

  Lucie turned to Rowzee as if she might offer an explanation.

  ‘I’ve cashed in some Premium Bonds,’ Pamela told her impatiently, ‘and I thought we might as well all benefit.’

  Though clearly thrown, it was with a mischievous twinkle that Lucie said to Bill, ‘So what did she get you?’

  Drily, he replied, ‘You mean apart from all excited?’

  As Lucie’s eyes widened and Rowzee laughed, Pamela snapped, ‘Take no notice of him, he’s weird and delusional.’

  ‘Mum’s going to be working for Bill,’ Rowzee told her. Did she have that right? She hadn’t just imagined the last half an hour, had she?

  Amazed, Lucie said, ‘How come?’

  Loftily, Pamela said, ‘Bill needs someone to run his caravan park so I’m going to take it on.’

  ‘Wow! This is great news. You and Bill . . .’

  ‘All right, that’s enough,’ Pamela cut in before Lucie could go any further. ‘Do you have Teddy’s food and everything else he needs?’