I Won A Spaceship

by Harrision Park

  I’ve no idea why I said it. It certainly wasn’t the wisest remark to make when faced with a number of inebriated, aggressive beings. The alternative, though, was to grovel and I was damned if I was going to do that.

  “What did you say?”

  I’d heard somewhere, or perhaps I’d read it, that the worst thing you can do in response to that question was to repeat your words.

  “You heard.”

  “I told you to repeat it.”

  “Perhaps you should get a hearing aid.”

  He paused. His drink-befuddled brain couldn’t cope with this level of repartee. I allowed myself a faint hope I might escape unscathed. I felt, rather than saw the blow. Fortunately it was aimed at my head and I instinctively flinched. The fist grazed my ear, knocking my hat askew, and met the wall with a solid crack.

  “Fucking bastard,” the owner of the fist bellowed.

  In the confusion, some commiserating with the injured party, some restraining him and the rest just milling around, I slid away and walked smartly down the corridor.

  I’d only managed half a dozen steps before one of them cried, “He’s getting away.”

  “Fuck. Get the bastard.”

  Dignity be blowed. I sprinted to the end and turned the corner. Fortunately a group of older beings were heading for the gents. I straightened my hat. Smiled and nodded amiably at them and strolled past. Behind me I could hear the dismay as my pursuers met the other group. Now, if I’d been leading them, I’d have shouted something like, ‘there’s the thief’ and continued the chase. For some reason they didn’t and, although I felt a crawling sensation between my shoulder blades and an almost irresistible urge to run, I managed to reach the haven of the ballroom unmolested.

  “What happened?” Triss said, the moment I sat down.

  “A minor skirmish. I need to speak to Taragis.”

  She was immediately on the alert, looking round with a if-looks-could-kill expression on her face.

  “Triss,” I said quietly but urgently and beckoned her to come closer. She bent her head towards mine. I grabbed her and kissed her. She was stronger than I so almost immediately escaped.

  “What are you doing?” she hissed.

  “Getting your attention. Specifically, getting your attention focussed on me.”

  “Why?”

  “You’re supposed to be my date. People on a date pay attention to each other. They don’t scan the room like a serial killer looking for her next victim.”

  “But it’s my job to protect you.”

  I shook my head. “Wrong. It’s your job to be my date… my partner. It’s your job to be happy and have fun and enjoy my company. Protecting me is a side issue. It’s Taragis’s job to protect me and, incidentally, you.”

  “But…”

  “No buts. Come along.”

  I grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. She was so surprised, she let me.

  Taragis was at the other side of the group seated beside a young woman in whom he clearly had more than a passing interest. He had a plate of something in his lap and was alternately popping little bits of it into his mouth and her mouth. The young lady didn’t look too unhappy with the arrangement for she had an arm over his shoulder and was toying with the hair at the back of his neck.

  “Hey, Crawford, having a good time?” someone said.

  “Certainly am. I’ve never been to a Grand Ball before.”

  “Quite something aren’t they?”

  “If you can drag Taragis’s nose out of the trough for a moment, can we borrow him. You can have him back in one piece… mostly.”

  “Mostly?” Someone chortled.

  “Yeah, but which piece might get damaged,” someone else said.

  “I know one piece that’d better not get damaged,” the young lady said.

  “Rest assured I have no interested in that piece,” I said.

  “What? His brain?” another voice said.

  “Well, you know where they say a male keeps his brains,” I said.

  That set them all laughing and I was able to extricate Taragis. I drew him a little way away and draped a friendly arm over his shoulder.

  “Just to let you know,” I murmured. “I had a little altercation with some of the beings who were at Sir Adderhay’s party. I recognised two of them. No, don’t look up. They’re all dressed as birds.”

  “What happened?”

  I told him. He looked grim.

  “They could have pursued me but didn’t,” I concluded. “That makes me think they don’t want a public fuss so I’ll be fine as long as I stay here.”

  He nodded. “I’ll alert the protectors anyway.”

  “Now a question. Is Triss’s function only to protect me?”

  He looked startled. “Why do you ask that?”

  “To clear up a misunderstanding.”

  He looked at Triss. “If you think that, then I apologise.”

  She looked perplexed and a little upset.

  “But… Madam Brabicoso said that there was a possibility the Lottery Winner might be in danger and the reason I was to be tonight’s companion was because of my expertise.”

  Taragis nodded. “Absolutely. Did she say you were to be his protector?”

  “Not in so many words, no.”

  “I can assure you that if Madam Brabicoso had wanted you to act as Crawford’s protector, she would have said so. As it happens, she and I discussed this and I know her thinking was that, in the unlikely event of there being any trouble, having your considerable abilities on hand might prove useful. That was all. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, if we’ve cleared that up…?” His gaze drifted back to his date.

  “Thanks, Taragis,” I said and slapped him on the shoulder as if we’d shared a joke.

  “Sorry,” Triss whispered as we found our seats again.

  “Is there a problem?” the person we’d been chatting too previously asked.

  “Nope. Just wanted to make sure we wouldn’t be left stranded.” I indicated Taragis who was exchanging discreet kisses with his lady friend. “We came in his car.”

  “Haw. Haw,” our friend laughed. “Probably a good idea.”

  We made small talk but I could sense Triss wasn't comfortable. The orchestra started a slower tune. After watching for a moment to see that this was a couple’s dance, I pulled Triss to her feet and onto the dance floor.

  “What are you doing?” she hissed as I manoeuvred her into the middle of the floor.

  I put my arms around her and shuffled round vaguely in time to the music.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked.

  “Nothing’s the matter.”

  “You’re tighter than a coiled spring so don’t give me that.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No you’re not. Don’t tell fibs.”

  She gave me an oddly challenging look which I returned steadily, then sighed. “Oh, all right. I’m not happy. This…” she waved a hand vaguely around, “…is loud and vulgar and garish. And it’s hot. And I’m worried something will happen.”

  “I agree with you about most of them. It’s certainly loud and vulgar and garish and hot.”

  “But you’re not worried.”

  “Other than a general vague unease, no. But that could be because I’m not a great party-goer.”

  Someone bumped rudely and forcefully into me from behind. I staggered and nearly fell. As I looked round I saw a figure in a bird costume whirling his partner into the crowd.

  “What happened?” Triss asked.

  “I think a second skirmish has just broken out,” I said a trifle shakily.

  She got that look in her eye.

  “Leave it, Triss,” I said. “This is where a strategic retreat is called for.”

  “But… Look out.”

  I was buffeted again and knocked into her. We barely managed to retain out feet. I grabbed her hand and tugged. She was looking round fiercely.

  “Come on. I said to leave it.”

&n
bsp; I tugged more forcefully and she reluctantly acceded.

  “I could take them out,” she said.

  “And start a war.”

  “You’re not scared of them, are you?”

  “Yes. They’re powerful people with a grudge and they’ve already tried to kill me. I’m not going to give them another excuse.”

  “But you can’t just walk away from your enemies.”

  “Oh, yes I can. I think we should leave.”

  I could see myself shrink in her eyes. I held onto her wrist tightly although I’m sure she could have easily freed herself.

  “Taragis, Triss and I are leaving,” I announced.

  “What? So soon?” He glanced up and seemed to see something in my expression. “Right. Whatever.”

  I found Barbita and made the same announcement. She assured me she would have no problem if we deserted her. A flunkey went to find our driver. We sat in the foyer in strained silence. Triss was clearly unhappy with me. In her culture you obviously didn’t run away from a fight. However, she had no idea what the fight was about and I wasn't in a mood to justify my actions. Tomorrow she would be safely back in her quarters while I would be out in public again. The car arrived and our protectors materialised from nowhere. She opened the car door and got in, pointedly ignoring me. I trotted round to the driver and instructed him to take us to Triss’s lodgings. The journey passed in frosty silence. She didn’t seem surprised when we stopped outside her door. She started to get out without my assistance. I let her.

  “Triss,” I said in a commanding tone as she was about to step out. She paused. “Think about where you’ll be tomorrow and the day after and the day after. Then think where I’ll be.”

  She said nothing but didn’t slam the door.

  The protectors gave me sympathetic looks as I bade them good night and trudged up to my room. I was sick at heart and weary. I was worried about these people who wished me harm simply because I was what I was. I was cross with Triss and her macho attitude and, now that the rush of the Ball was over, my worries about the cats came flooding back.

  Chapter 20

  I woke up early. I didn’t feel any happier. I felt a bit guilty about Triss. After all, she was part of the breeding programme and her one big chance had been messed up not entirely through her own fault. What on earth had possessed Barbita to assign her? Why did she think I needed a personal bodyguard, for heaven’s sake? I wanted to call her and find out but it was far too early. Ditto Hermes, Flerrionna and Taragis. I thought about going to see the cats but it would only upset me. I fretted about whether I should pack all my stuff but I was only supposed to be gone for one night so that wouldn’t be a good idea.

  I made some breakfast and ate half of it. If I was to be honest with myself, last night’s altercation had scared me. I had no idea who these beings were, what they represented or why they disliked me so strongly. What’s more, I didn’t know what they wanted to do to me. Did they want to humiliate me, frighten me off or harm me? And was it just me or was I simply a pawn in a bigger game? I didn’t even know if the morons I’d encountered yesterday were the ones who’d drugged me. Perhaps they were simply a group of ignorant, arrogant fools with too much money and an inflated sense of their own importance. Whoever they were, they’d succeeded in both humiliating me and making me nervous. I wondered if I should tell the Interpellators.

  My communicator sounded. It was Barbita.

  “What the hell have you done to Triss?” she began. “The poor girl’s in a terrible state. How could you be so insensitive? I really thought better of you, Crawford.”

  “Me? What have I done? What have you done is more like it. What on earth possessed you to assign her to a Charity Ball?”

  “What I did is neither here nor there. She was there for your benefit. You hardly spoke to her all evening and, when you did, it was to lecture her. Then you humiliated her on the dance floor then dragged her off and dumped her here without even a ‘goodnight’.”

  “What you did is entirely the point. You told her she was my bodyguard. The ‘poor girl’, as you put it, spent the whole evening jumping at shadows. She was spoiling for a fight. I had to take her home to prevent her starting the next world war. What sort of rapport am I supposed to build like that?”

  “I didn’t tell her she was your bodyguard.”

  “Well you implied it. She certainly believed it. She thought that was the only reason she was there.”

  “She did not.”

  “Then why did she say so to both me and Taragis?”

  “She didn’t.”

  “She did. Perhaps you should talk to her properly before shouting at me.”

  I hung up. Now I was mad as well as upset. What sort of nonsense had Triss been spouting? I made some more coffee and fumed. My communicator sounded again.

  “Yes?” I barked.

  “No need to shout,” Taragis said. “My head hurts enough as it is.”

  “Sorry. I’ve just had a run in with Barbita and I’m in a bad mood. How was your evening?”

  “Wonderful, marvellous, superb.” I could hear the smirk in his voice.

  “Good. I’m glad one of us had a good time.”

  “Oh, dear. Things didn’t work out with Triss, then?”

  I sighed. “No. Taragis, I apologise. I’m very pleased you had a good time. You certainly seemed to be getting on well with that young lady.”

  “I was, I did and I am.”

  I heard a distinctly female giggle in the background.

  “You are, present tense? Congratulations you old rogue.”

  “Less of the old if you don’t mind. The reason I’m calling is to ask a favour. Would you mind if I bring Tsabella with me today?”

  “What? Here? If you like, yes.”

  “It won’t upset anything?”

  I barked a short laugh. “There’s nothing to upset. In fact I’d like to meet the woman who’s managed to capture your stony heart.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far and I’m in a good mood so I’ll ignore the insult. If you’re sure it’s okay we’ll be over shortly.”

  “Any time.”

  I felt a bit more cheerful. I knew Taragis worked very hard on my behalf and I was pleased he was having some fun. I decided to call the Interpellators. Senior Interlocutor Respectful-Veneration wasn't available but I was assured a message would be passed to him. I’d hardly rung off when my communicator sounded again. This was turning into a busy morning. It was Barbita.

  “Look, Crawford, I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. I’m bringing Triss over immediately.”

  “Why not. The more the merrier.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Taragis and his girlfriend are also on the way.”

  “Can you put them off? This is important.”

  “I’ll try.”

  I did. He was amenable.

  “You can give me the low-down later,” he said.

  Having recovered somewhat from my funk I was stricken with a guilty conscience about Ziggy and Stardust. I contacted Flerrionna who was about to see to them so we agreed to meet at the cat’s room. If they weren't any better, at least they didn’t seem to be any worse. They were actually pleased to see us and struggled to sit up and be petted. We carefully placed them in the cat basket. Ziggy actually licked my hand. It was as if he knew I was doing my best for him.

  Flerrionna and I were in the middle of a deep kiss when my communicator sounded. It was Senior Interlocutor Respectful-Veneration. I gave him a summary of last night’s events, to Flerrionna’s mounting distress. He wanted to know if I could recognise the beings again and if I would come to his office. I told him I’d have to call him back. Then I had to give Flerrionna the story of my encounter with the bullies and assure her that nothing had happened and nothing was going to happen. I had only contacted the Interpellators to see if the information might help with their enquiries. Then I had to rush back to my suite to meet Barbita and Triss.

  “S
uppose you explain last night from your point of view,” Barbita said.

  “Am I justifying my actions?”

  She sighed. “No. I know what I think happened and Triss has told things from her angle. Now I want to hear yours.”

  “Then you’ll pronounce judgement?”

  She was getting cross. “Not at all. But I am responsible for the girls.”

  We were in danger of getting into another argument.

  “Okay. I could sense Triss wasn't entirely comfortable right from the start. She didn’t seem particularly enthusiastic about going to a Masquerade. However, neither was I so I didn’t pay too much attention. She was even less happy when we met Frefris and joined his party. She was very quiet and kept looking around. I asked her what the matter was and she said she was there to protect me. Then there was the kafuffle at the toilets and, sorry Triss, but you went into full alert mode then. Taragis tried to assure her she wasn't there as my personal protector and things seemed to get a bit better until the incident on the dance floor. I may have misread things but I seriously believed she was going to assault someone. That would have just meant even more trouble. The only thing I could think of was to leave. Triss seemed upset about this and refused to speak to me. As she was getting out of the car I tried, politely I hope, to get her to consider why it would not have been a good idea to have assaulted a respected member of Bartimarm society. That’s it.”

  “You were a coward,” Triss hissed.

  I looked at her in astonishment. Her expression was contemptuous. “All right, I was a coward.”

  “Hah,” she said in a tone of satisfaction.

  Barbita was looking puzzled and concerned. “I don’t understand.”

  “I suspect these beings are connected with Sir Tutivillen Adderhay who is, I understand, an important being with connections and does not like the Commission. What would the repercussions be if the savage, barbarian Lottery Winner assaulted one of his colleagues at a Charity Ball? If I’m a coward for avoiding that kind of trouble, then so be it.”

  “Would you really have assaulted someone?” Barbita asked Triss.

  “Sir MacAdam and I were being assaulted. Of course I would have retaliated.”

  Barbita looked at me helplessly.