Alex Kicks The Bucket

by Jason Purdy

  The thought of a greasy burger made him hungry. So he wasn’t that hungover.

  “You look like shit,” he said to Alex, through a mouthful of cereal.

  “Good morning to you, too,” Alex replied.

  “No really,” Paul said. “You genuinely look like you’re dying.”

  “Because I am,” Alex said.

  “Oh, yeah,” Paul replied.

  There was a pause, where they watched cartoons in silence for a while.

  “Not really how I want to spend my last few hours,” Alex said.

  “This is a good episode though,” Paul replied.

  “What time is it?”

  Paul shrugged.

  “Four? Four-ish?” he said.

  “Ish?” Alex replied. “I’ve got less than five hours left to live. Don’t say ish!”

  “Don’t shit your pants, Skeletor,” Paul said. “Relax. Watch cartoons. Have some cereal.”

  “I don’t need to eat anymore,” Alex said. “I’m not hungry, I’m not thirsty. I’m not tired. I don’t even need to breathe anymore.”

  “Well I’ve got the hangover of the century rolling in,” Paul said. “So quit fucking bragging.”

  Alex glanced around the room.

  “Where is everyone anyway?” he said.

  “Home, I guess,” Paul said, shrugging.

  “Where’s Stephen?”

  “Home too?” Paul said. “Do I look like his babysitter?”

  “Where’s Kate?” Alex said.

  “She’s in your room,” Paul said, watching the sly grin disappear from Alex’s face. “Don’t even try that shit on me, kid. I invented that humble brag.”

  “She’s in my bed,” Alex said.

  “Did you…” Paul said. “You know?”

  “Sort of,” Alex said.

  “That means no, then,” Paul said.

  “We talked… and…” Alex said, suddenly embarrassed.

  “Did you spoon?” Paul said. “Did you talk about your feelings?”

  Alex looked hurt for a moment, and then Paul clapped him the shoulder.

  “I’m only messing with you,” he said. “That’s lovely too. Everybodu loves a good cuddle. You both needed one today.”

  “You never cease to surprise me Paul,” Alex said.

  “In a good way, I hope,” he replied.

  Alex see-sawed his hand in mid-air.

  “Hit or miss,” he said.

  “I kissed her too,” Alex said.

  “I don’t want any more details,” Paul said.

  Mainly because he was feeling a slight pang of jealousy. He told himself that it was okay because Alex would be dead soon, and he felt so bad that he felt tears prick the corners of his eyes.

  “I love you, Alex,” he said.

  He reached over, and put his hand on Alex’s shoulder.

  “You too, Paul,” Alex replied.

  “Don’t pull that shit on me,” Paul said. “Say the words, go on. Those three magic words. Make all my dreams come true.”

  “Piss off,” Alex said.

  “Say it,” Paul said. “Say it, say it.”

  “Fine,” Alex said, turning to face his friend. “I love you, Paul.”

  The moment is ruined by Stephen appearing in front of them. He’s holding a sports bag.

  For a moment, he is radiant. The rising sun catches him, framing him like an angel. He looks down on them, an aloof smirk on his face. He’s wearing the sunglasses again.

  He drops the sports bag in front of the two of them, with a thud that shakes the floor. Something in the bag squeals. He kicks it, and the noise stops.

  “Hey chumps,” he said. “How’s it hanging?”

  “A little to the left,” Paul said.

  “Am I interrupting anything?” Stephen said.

  The pair of them looked awkwardly at each other, and then quickly looked away.

  “Nothing,” Alex said, a little too quickly.

  “What’s in the bag?” Paul asked.

  “Everything,” Stephen said.

  Alex snorted.

  “Have a look,” Stephen said, unzipping it.

  Alex leaned forward and peered into the depths. After a moment, his face contorted into a rictus of horror. His face glowed, and his eyes shone like hot coals.

  Paul looked at him in fear.

  “What the fuck?” he said.

  “No,” Alex said. “No…” his voice trailed off into a high pitched whine. He covered his face.

  Stephen zipped up the bag.

  “What was that?” Alex said.

  “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back,” Stephen said.

  An unholy wail began to emanate from the bag. Stephen kicked it, and it stopped again.

  “Hush now,” he said.

  “What was it?” Paul said, shaking Alex.

  “Cool, huh?” Stephen said. “It’s my gym bag.”

  Alex trembled, and wrapped his arms around himself.

  “Your parents are real wildcats by the way, Alex,” Stephen said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few illegitimate Alex’s running around. I bet they’re full on into the scene. You know, swinging and everything.”

  “I don’t want to know,” Alex said quietly.

  Stephen winked at Paul, who was trying his best not to laugh.

  “Well it’s the end game now, boys,” Stephen said. “Time for one last hurrah. What do you want to do Alex? Your wish is my command.”

  He paused for a moment, his finger on his chin.

  “Well, within reason,” he added.

  “Please,” Paul groaned. “No more parties. My hangover has a hangover.”

  Alex sat in silence for a moment. He was either deep in thought, or still terrified by the beast in the bag.

  “I feel like we should go back to the car park,” he said, finally.

  Paul and Stephen let out simultaneous exaggerated groans.

  “Why the hell would you want to do that?” Paul said. “I’m not calling in sick to work to hang about on that fucking car park again.”

  “You did it yesterday,” Stephen said.

  “Don’t remind me.”

  Alex stood up, standing beside Stephen.

  “Look,” he said. “It’s where we all came together. Where this whole thing started. Maybe it’s where it should end.”

  “Actually,” Stephen said, raising a finger. “The whole thing started when you jumped out your window.”

  “Well it’s my last day,” Alex said. “So we do what I want.”

  “How long is he going to milk that one for?” Stephen said, pretending to speak behind his hand, whispering loudly to Paul.

  “Another five hours,” Paul said. He looked pointedly at Alex, and then slowly said “Ish.”

  “You’re both dickheads,” Alex said.

  “Fine,” Stephen said. He raised his hand slowly. “All in favour?”

  Alex raised his hand. Paul didn’t move. Alex glared at him. Paul started to reluctantly raise his hand, when they heard a voice from the doorway.

  “No,” Kate said.

  They turned to see her standing in the hallway, wearing one of Alex’s old t-shirts. It looked like a baptism dress with Dark Side of the Moon stretched across the front of it.

  “I’m not going back onto that roof,” she said.

  “Why?” Alex said, dumbly.

  “I jumped once,” Kate said. “Who said I won’t do it again?”

  “Kate,” Paul said. “Things are different now, right?”

  “I don’t know if I feel any different,” she said quietly.

  There was a long moment of silence, where they all looked at her, trying to think of the right thing to say. Alex thought about walking over to her and hugging her, but she’d probably push him away.

  “I wish I was wired up to handle all this,” she said. “But I’m not. There’s something broken up here.” She tapped the side of her head with her finger. “And I can’t seem to fix it.” />
  “Kate…” Alex said.

  “If not the rooftop, then a bottle of pills,” she said. “Maybe a rope, or my wrists in the bath. I’ll do it eventually.”

  Stephen sighed, and put his face in his hands. This whole day was supposed to be about Alex, and now he had ended up trying to solve everyone’s problems. It was always the way. They told him every time that he got too close, but how could he not?

  “Do you know why Alex was chosen?” he said, looking up at Kate.

  She looked up at him, like a woman coming out of a deep trance.

  “He wasn’t,” Kate said. “You said it was random.”

  “You bet,” he said. “It could have been anyone. Nothing more than a clerical error, and woosh, here I am. The man, the myth, the legend.”

  “So?” Kate said. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? To think about how someone can be doomed to death because of bad luck? Because of a filing mistake?”

  “Think about it,” Stephen said. “It could have been you. What would you have done with your last day?”

  There was complete silence, at Kate and Paul both considered this. Alex had a slight, smug smile on his face. It wasn’t so easy now that the shoe was on the other foot.

  “Well if you’re going to pull the trigger, so to speak,” Stephen said, “then every twenty four hours are your last ones, right? So why don’t you take a leaf out of Alex’s book?”

  “It’s not that easy,” Kate said.

  “Of course it’s not,” Stephen said. “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.”

  “Alex can’t die,” Kate said.

  “And you want to,” Stephen said. “What’s the difference? You’ve nothing left to fear.”

  “You need to promise me something, Kate,” Alex said.

  “I’ve already got one promise kept for you Alex,” Kate said, turning to him. “Don’t ask me for another.”

  “Oh, fuck that,” Alex said. He turned to Stephen and Paul. “I’m a virgin.”

  They didn’t really seem to care. Which Alex should have expected, because no human being with half a brain cares whether someone else has ever had sex or not.

  “I know,” Stephen said.

  “It’s nice to have it confirmed,” Paul said. “Thanks Alex.”

  He turned back to Kate.

  “Now promise me something,” he said, smiling at her. “Promise me you’ll get help.”

  “I’ve tried,” Kate said. “I’ve tried the pills, I’ve tried therapy, and nothing seems to change.”

  “Try harder,” Stephen said. “Trust me. It’ll never go away, but you can learn to manage it.”

  Paul thought of Stephen and his files. Of the road maps he had for all their lives. He wondered if Kate was a blank slate now that Alex had saved her. He wondered if Stephen had insider knowledge of the human brain and all its strange and unexplainable conditions.

  “You’re sick, Kate,” Paul said. “If you break your arm, you don’t ignore it, do you? You get a cast, you get some sick painkillers, and then you have a few beers, so you can get really fucked up. Then you watch Firefly.”

  “Don’t listen to his advice,” Alex said. “He’s not a doctor.”

  Paul shrugged.

  “Treat your mind the same way,” Paul said. “There’s people that can help. We can help, we’re here for you.”

  “Well Alex and I are here for the next four hours,” Stephen said.

  Paul shot him a glare.

  “I’ll be here after that,” he said, “for as long as you need me, Kate.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” she said.

  Paul laughed.

  “Yeah, no shit,” he said. “I don’t have to do anything, but I want to do this. I’m your friend, I’m here for you.”

  Kate looked around the room, at the three people who were complete strangers to her less than twenty four hours ago.

  “Okay,” she said.

  “Okay?” Alex asked.

  “I’ll try,” Kate said.

  Stephen clapped his hands together, loud enough to make them all jump.

  “Hallelujah!” he said. “Let’s go to the roof.”

  3:06:06

  They lay on the roof, watching the sun crawling into the sky. It was almost full day now. London was starting to come alive. The streets began to fill with bleary eyed workers.

  Stephen had produced a picnic blanket from his bag, and a few cushions. They lay in silence, staring at the sky. Alex felt content, or about as content as anyone could feel in that situation.

  Paul’s head was throbbing because of his hangover, and his mouth was dry and felt as though it was lined with cotton balls. All the same, he felt good. He’d call in sick today, it wouldn’t matter too much. He thought he might even take the rest of the week off. It seemed appropriate to do, after your best friend died.

  He glanced over at Alex, who was looking profoundly dead already. There were just a few hours left on the clock, and what would they do now?

  He supposed they’d probably wait it out, sitting up here, watching the day crawl past. He figured that wouldn’t be too bad. Time went slower when you did nothing. Why not let the last few hours of Alex’s life strength out languorously in the sun?

  Stephen had whisked them all up here. He was reluctant to call it teleporting, but that’s what it was. Paul wondered how none of them had heard about this sort of nonsense before.

  Stephen didn’t seem massively keen to keep the whole thing on the down low, despite his talk of rules and getting himself a rap on the knuckles when he went back to whatever it was he called home.

  Kate had thought about it. She supposed that the urban legends you heard, the talk of myths, monsters and miracles… they might have all been creatures like Stephen. Whatever the heck he was, maybe they had always been there. When you heard a story of a man who could walk through fire, or who could breathe underwater for hours. Someone who fell from a height that would have turned the average human into mincemeat, maybe it was always one of these strange men or women, guiding oblivious humans through the last dregs of their last day on earth.

  The thought was oddly comforting, and equally terrifying. Stephen climbed to his feet, and began to shuffling through his bag. It made another strange noise, and he stroked it, speaking in a soothing tone.

  “Easy,” he said. “Don’t make me come in there.”

  Paul sat up, watching him. Alex and Kate both had their eyes closed. They were lying close enough that their fingertips were almost touching. He could imagine how much Alex wished they could touch again. Paul hadn’t felt that way about a girl in a long, long time.

  He thought it was sad, to think of what could have been between Alex and Kate, but he knew as well that without the incredible circumstances brought on by the presence of Stephen, they never would have met. They would have passed in the street and made awkward eye contact, before quickly looking away.

  Alex would have been too shy to ever say a word to her. Kate would have never even seen the chubby, bearded boy; she would have been too wrapped up in her own little bubble of sadness.

  He didn’t want to dwell on it too long. He wanted to quiz Stephen one last time.

  “What’s in the bag?” Paul said.

  Stephen laughed. “It’s like that film, the one with Brad Pitt and Kevin Spacey, where he was the bad guy.”

  “Se-seven-en?” Paul said.

  “Jesus Christ,” Stephen said, shaking his head. “No, it’s Seven, with the seven in the middle of the word seven.”

  “Not confusing in the slightest,” Paul said. “But what’s in the bag?”

  “Everything,” Stephen said. “Well, everything that is in my attic.”

  “And if I climbed into it,” Paul said. “Where would I end up?”

  “In my attic,” Stephen said. He rolled his eyes, and they didn’t stop. He did it manually.

  It didn’t help Paul’s hangover in the slightest.

  “And where is your attic?
” Paul said.

  “Near Surrey,” Stephen said.

  Paul sighed.

  “Do you ever give a straight answer?” he said.

  “Not to you,” Stephen said, and nodded towards Kate. “Or her. Alex will learn it all in a couple of hours, but you two big mouths will be dandering about for the next god-only-knows how long. Why would I give any more secrets away to you?”

  “No one would believe us,” Paul said.

  “People will believe anything,” Stephen said. “There are idiots out there that still think that the world is round.”

  He laughed, as if this was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard.

  “You mean flat, right?” Paul said.

  “Right on,” Stephen said, “you’re one of the enlightened.”

  “Come on,” Paul said. “Throw me a bone here.”

  Stephen rummaged through the bag, shaking his head.

  “How’s about a hot breakfast instead?” Stephen said.

  He pulled out a plate carrying the most spectacular fry up Paul had ever seen. Two perfect eggs, sausages, bacon, black pudding, fried bread, tomato, mushrooms, and a little smudge of baked beans.

  Paul’s mouth started to water.

  “Mother of god,” he said. “Where did you get that?”

  “I told you,” Stephen said. “My attic.”

  “You have freshly prepared hot breakfasts in your attic?” Paul said.

  “No,” Stephen said. “I have an oven in my attic.” He laughed. “I thought you were smart, Paul.”

  Paul took the plate, begrudgingly.

  “It’s an attic apartment,” Stephen said. “One of those fancy loft ones, like in New York. Like you see on TV.”

  “In Surrey,” Paul said.

  “Yeah, it’s up and coming,” Stephen said. “Surrey is the South Brombleshire.”

  “That’s not a real place,” Paul said.

  “Stop fucking bickering,” Kate said, “and please tell me you have more than one plate of that beautiful crap.”

  Stephen pulled out another plate.

  “Catch,” Stephen said. He motioned to throw it like a Frisbee.

  “Don’t you dare,” she said, grabbing the plate from him.

  He grabbed a handful of cutlery, and red and brown sauce, before any of them could even ask for it.

  “Are you sure you can’t stay after Alex is gone?” Paul said, shovelling an entire sausage sideways into his mouth.