Plays 5

by Tom Stoppard

  Milne You were good, too. (Pause.) You shouldn’t try to make it sound like a free ride. ‘Geoffrey will never know and I’m not his chattel so there’s nothing to pay.’ There are no free rides. You always pay.

  Ruth Take it, then, and pay. Be a bastard. Behave badly.

  Milne That’s better.

  Ruth Betray your benefactor.

  Milne That’s right.

  Ruth Corrupt me.

  Milne Put it like that, I might.

  Ruth Steal me.

  Milne I want to.

  Ruth Good. Mess up my life. I’ll pay.

  Milne Stupid.

  Ruth Don’t be frightened.

  Milne And tomorrow –

  Ruth I’ll pack if you like. If you don’t like, I’ll stay and deadhead the bougainvillaea. Either way I’ll pay.

  They kiss on the mouth, but not passionately and not holding each other.

  Milne Leave me alone. You should know better.

  Ruth I do know better. To hell with that. (She lets herself fall over backwards on to the sofa. [At least that would be one way of doing this moment.] Only her calves and feet are visible.)

  Milne You’re really something, Ruth. I don’t know what.

  Milne turns and walks upstage into the dark and disappears. Ruth’s feet disappear out of sight behind the sofa and then ‘she’ (double) stands up with her back to the audience looking towards where Milne disappeared, undoes her dress and steps out of it (she has nothing on underneath) holding on to the dress with one hand and trailing it after her as she follows Milne into the dark. Before she has disappeared Carson has walked unhurriedly, relaxed, into the room from the side of the stage. He lights a cigarette and stands thoughtfully watching as Ruth moves into the dark. After a moment or two, behind him, Ruth’s voice:

  Ruth Got a cigarette?

  She is lying on the sofa behind Carson. He turns and offers her a cigarette. Ruth’s hand comes into view to take it.

  Thanks.

  Carson offers his lighter and Ruth’s head comes up to meet it. She stands and lights her cigarette from his lighter.

  Carson There’s no need for you to stay up.

  Ruth I want to.

  Carson He may not come for hours.

  Ruth I’m all right. What time is it?

  Carson (looks at his watch) Saturday. Nearly one. You got dressed up for him.

  Ruth Well, he is the President.

  The dog starts barking. Carson moves to a light switch and the exterior lights come on. Sound of an approaching vehicle. Carson leaves the room. Ruth moves to a chair. She puts out her cigarette. The vehicle has arrived. Carson’s voice audible offstage.

  Carson (offstage) Oh – God!

  Wagner (a few yards off) Hello!

  Carson (offstage) Any other time, old man –

  Wagner (offstage) I saw your lights from the road.

  Carson (entering) Ruth and I were just going to bed.

  Wagner comes in behind Carson.

  Wagner Good evening. I brought a nightcap. (He’s carrying a bottle of Cutty Sark whisky, not a full one.) Compliments of the firm. I’m afraid I’ve started without you. (He’s making himself at home. He puts the bottle down.) I saw the lights as I was passing.

  Ruth The lights weren’t on as you were passing.

  Carson Look, Dick, not this time, there’s a good fellow.

  Wagner Have a heart – all this way for a nightcap –

  Carson You said you were passing –

  Wagner To see if you were up.

  Carson Well, we were just turning in, weren’t we, darling? Why don’t you drop in tomorrow – today, for heaven’s sake – for a sundowner.

  Ruth Leave off, Geoffrey – he knows, (to Wagner) You do know, don’t you?

  Wagner Oh, absolutely.

  Carson Knows what?

  Ruth He knows we’re waiting for Mageeba.

  Carson (angrily) Ruth …

  Wagner Mageeba – that’s the fellow.

  Carson It’s a social call. He likes to eat late.

  Wagner Doesn’t he, though?

  Carson Well, there you are.

  Wagner Yes, indeed. When is Colonel Shimbu supposed to be coming?

  Carson He’s not coming.

  Ruth (simultaneously) In the morning. He’s not coming in the morning.

  Carson This is dreadful.

  Wagner I’ll be as quiet as a mouse.

  Carson Mageeba is going to be furious. You’ll be lucky if you don’t end up under arrest.

  Wagner I’m your house guest.

  Carson No, you’re not.

  Ruth Oh, do let him. He could crawl under the sofa. (to Wagner) You’ll feel quite at home, it’s almost like a bed. I’ll bet you’re better under a bed than in it.

  Carson Stop this.

  Wagner Vouch for me, then. Lobby basis, I promise.

  Carson What do you mean, lobby basis? – this is the President of Kambawe, not some Downing Street PR man. Journalists here get hung up by their thumbs for getting his medals wrong.

  Wagner Charming fellow, your boss.

  Carson He’s not my boss. He’s the President, that’s all, I can’t help who’s President. I’m a mining engineer.

  Wagner They’re his mines.

  Carson They were here first and so was I. They’re my bloody mines more than his.

  Ruth And more Shimbu’s than yours now.

  Wagner True. Do you think Shimbu will show up?

  Carson As it happens I don’t. Not unless he’s got a fool-proof triple-cross to put over on the double-cross he’d be expecting from Mageeba.

  Wagner It is like Downing Street.

  Carson How did you know about all this?

  Wagner I was guessing about Shimbu. On Mageeba I had my own source.

  Carson Yes, I bet – Canadian loud-mouth.

  Wagner What Canadian loud-mouth is that?

  Carson You know about the UN team, do you?

  Wagner Up to a point, Lord Copper.

  Carson UN observers, they’ve been in KC since Sunday.

  Wagner Shimbu’s letter was to the UN not to Mageeba …?

  Carson I’ll brief you if you promise to leave.

  Wagner Sounds fair.

  Carson Mageeba wants his mines back. Last year they produced nearly sixty per cent of his copper – you read that in the Kambawe Citizen. The mines are no good to Shimbu because the railway goes the wrong way. You saw that on a map. So Shimbu will swop the mines for recognition of Adoma. Pretty good going – I steal your clothes and offer to give back your trousers if I can keep your shirt. He wants to talk through the UN people. To show good faith he says he won’t fire a shot until he’s fired upon.

  Wagner Sounds sincere.

  Carson Sounds as if he hasn’t got all his armour up. Anyway, Mageeba bought it, he said he’d show up here with the Canadians at dawn, ready to talk. Half-way house, you see.

  Wagner I’ll believe the Canadians when I see them.

  Carson Me too. Everybody’s lying.

  Wagner Tell me what you think.

  Carson I think Shimbu wants the whole apple, and is using the time to get his supply line working. I think Mageeba isn’t going to let Shimbu secede anywhere except into a ditch, and at breakfast time when he sees Shimbu hasn’t fallen for it, he’s going to go in with air-strikes and tanks and lose half of them in a week, and appeal to the free world about Russian interference. I also think that the British and the Americans will protest, and all the time they’re protesting the Russians will be interfering the shit out of Mageeba’s army, until Kambawe is about as independent as Lithuania, and that the British and Americans will protest.

  Wagner I see. I’ll make sure the Globe puts that over.

  Carson You’ll what –?

  Wagner I said I’ll make sure the Globe –

  But Carson is already laughing heartily.

  Carson Oh good! Oh wonderful! The Globe will pronounce! We’re saved – the Prime Minister will be straight on to the F
oreign Office – (He mimes winding up an old-fashioned telephone while holding the ear-piece.)

  ‘Now look here, have you seen what those Russkies are up to in Africa? – the Queen is absolutely furious and so is Albert!’

  Wagner All right.

  Ruth Poor Dick.

  Carson Well … there you are.

  Wagner Thanks, Geoff.

  Carson You said you’d leave.

  Wagner I was lying.

  Carson I’m beginning to wonder if you can be altogether trusted.

  Wagner I’m sorry, but nobody on this story has got a sight of Mageeba since it broke. Let alone a quote. Let alone an interview. Let alone this Shimbu deal. It’s too big to pass up and I’m greedy for it – I admit that. I’m going to put the Globe so far out in front this Sunday, those roving correspondents and African specialists and line-shooters and bullshitters won’t keep down their dinner for a week.

  Carson Serve you right if he doesn’t show up. He seldom does what he says.

  But a car is becoming audible.

  Wagner If he hadn’t shown up I’d still be watching the compound. I saw him land fifteen minutes ago. Also two Sea King helicopters. Do you think they’re full of Canadian lawyers?

  The car is getting louder.

  Carson Are you going?

  Wagner No.

  Carson Be careful if he laughs. (He goes out to meet the car.)

  Ruth You’re shaking.

  Wagner That’s because I’m scared.

  Ruth I’m beginning to like you a little. Now that I can see through you. You’re just like Jake, really. My paper ’tis of thee. If you two were just a little brighter you’d remind me of Batman and Robin.

  Wagner What do I call him?

  Ruth He likes to be called boy.

  Wagner For Christ’s sake. Don’t leave the room.

  Then Mageeba is in, followed by Carson. Mageeba is in uniform, open-necked shirt, informal but well laundered and wearing medal-ribbon. He carries a short cane with a metal knob.

  Ruth Good evening, Your Excellency … how kind of you to honour us.

  Mageeba Mrs Carson … a pleasure … a beautiful home and a beautiful hostess. Please forgive this late hour.

  Ruth It’s never too late – welcome … we’re night birds here.

  Mageeba How gracious … I, too, sleep very little.

  Ruth (gaily) Well – uneasy lies the head that –

  ‘Ruth’ (loudly) Idiot!

  Ruth I mean the sheer volume of work must be enormous, the cares of State, and –

  ‘Ruth’ Shut up, you silly woman –

  Ruth May I introduce Mr Richard Wagner?

  Mageeba Mr Wagner.

  Wagner Sir – your most – er – Excellency –

  ‘Ruth’ Compose yourself, Wagner.

  Mageeba You are a visitor to Kambawe?

  Wagner Yes, sir.

  Carson Would you care for anything, sir?

  Mageeba What brings you to Kambawe?

  Wagner You do, sir – your determined stand against Russian imperialism in Africa has won the admiration of the British people, sir –

  ‘Ruth’ Jesus Christ.

  Wagner And I feel very privileged myself to have the opportunity to –

  Mageeba stops him with an upraised hand.

  Mageeba (triumphantly) Ah! (to Carson) Your guest is a journalist.

  Carson I’m very sorry about this, sir – Mr Wagner arrived a few minutes ago quite by chance – he was just leaving –

  Ruth For London.

  Mageeba How I envy him. I have very happy memories of London. Student days, you know. I learned everything about economic theory. It has proved a great handicap. (to Ruth) How are things in London, Mrs Carson?

  Ruth Oh – did you know I’d been?

  Mageeba My cousin tells me of all interesting and distinguished travellers.

  Ruth You have a cousin at the airport?

  Mageeba No, at the Court of St James.

  ‘Ruth’ Say goodnight, Gracie.

  Mageeba But I also have a cousin at the airport, of course.

  Ruth Oh good.

  Mageeba You see, I know everything. How is young Alexander finding London?

  Ruth Oh … he’s a wild success, I believe, much respected …

  Carson (hurriedly) He’s staying with friends in Kamba City, sir – school-friend, you know

  Ruth Oh yes … young Allie …

  Mageeba You see, Mrs Carson, I am like a father to all Kambaweans. In your case, of course, I have to say an adopted father.

  Ruth Of course.

  ‘Ruth’ Wrong!

  Mageeba Such is our legacy of racial and cultural prejudice.

  Ruth Yes, indeed.

  ‘Ruth’ (loudly) Geoffrey!!

  Wagner decides to make his pitch and to do so quite formally. The effect is more wooden than formal.

  Wagner Your Excellency – Sir … I hope you will forgive my presence but as I say, the British people are watching with intense and sympathetic interest your courageous stand against the communist menace in Africa, and if you, sir, have any words of reassurance – however few – any message for the British people – and indeed the world – the Sunday Globe would be privileged to publish them.

  Pause. Mageeba has been deciding on a chair and sinking himself into it. Now he looks up and looks at Wagner apologetically.

  Mageeba I’m so sorry – Mr Wagner – were you speaking to me?

  Wagner (bravely) Yes, sir. I was saying, Your Excellency, that the British people are following with intense admiration and interest your … er … courageous stand against the communist threat in Africa … sir …

  Mageeba Yes?

  Wagner Yes, sir, and if you have any message for the British people – and indeed the world – well, my paper would be privileged to publish it.

  Mageeba (pause) The Sunday Globe.

  Wagner nods.

  ‘Ruth’ You’re bitched, Wagner.

  Carson Well, Dick, it’s time you were off.

  Mageeba Is Mr Wagner a friend of yours, Geoffrey?

  Carson No –

  Ruth (simultaneously) Oh, rather. We met in London. I’m terribly fond of him. (to Wagner) I’ll see you to the door.

  Mageeba Please! Do you have to leave, Mr Wagner?

  Wagner Not at all.

  Mageeba Then you must stay. I am interested to meet you. We must have a good talk. Sit down there.

  Wagner Thank you, sir.

  Carson Your Excellency …

  Mageeba Yes, you were saying, Geoffrey – a little whisky and water, then.

  Carson Of course. Would you like the malt?

  Mageeba Not with water.

  Carson No – of course.

  Mageeba The blended, about half and half, no ice.

  Carson Whisky and water, no ice.

  Wagner That will do me nicely, without the water. (He is transformed, secure, pleased with himself.) So I don’t mind a bit of malt if you can spare it.

  Carson uses Wagner’s bottle of Cutty Sark for the drinks.

  Carson (to Ruth) Darling?

  Ruth Nothing.

  Carson Ruth has arranged for a little late supper to be laid out in the dining room if you should care for something, sir.

  ‘Ruth’ He’s not going to have room for a thing after Wagner.

  Mageeba Mr … Wagner.

  Wagner Mr … President. Sir.

  Mageeba Mr Wagner, it is not you, is it, who has to be congratulated on the Sunday Globe’s interview with Colonel Shimbu?

  Wagner That wasn’t me, sir, no. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t a Globe reporter at all, it was a young freelance chap who found himself caught up with Shimbu quite by accident. Of course when he sent it to the Globe, they were bound to use it, because – well, all the news that’s fit to print, as they say.

  Mageeba ‘The press lives by disclosure.’

  Wagner Ah, you know that one.

  Mageeba Delaney of The Times – we had all that at the LSE. Th
e political history of communications, or some such course. (He accepts his drink from Carson.) Thank you. And C. P. Scott of the Manchester Guardian, of course – ‘Comment is free but facts are sacred.’

  Wagner Yes, and ‘Comment is free but facts are on expenses.’

  Mageeba Scott?

  Wagner Wagner. (He takes his drink.) Cheers.

  Mageeba What did you think of the interview by the way?

  Wagner Ah, well, (He looks for safe ground.) – these chaps, they even talk like puppets, don’t they? I think it’s useful in a way to let them have their say. For that reason. Of course, sir, if you felt that some reply – or refutation – was indicated, I need hardly say that I, or rather the Globe –

  Mageeba You would give me equal space?

  Wagner Oh – absolutely –

  Mageeba That’s very fair. Isn’t it Geoffrey? Mr Wagner says I can have equal space.

  Wagner And some space is more equal than others. I think, sir, I could more or less guarantee that an interview with you at this juncture of the war would be treated as the main news story of the day, and of course would be picked up by newspapers, and all the media, round the world.

  Mageeba What war, Mr Wagner?

  Wagner Sorry?

  Mageeba Kambawe is not at war. We have a devolution problem. I believe you have one, too.

  Wagner A devolution problem? Yes … I see. Do you mind, sir, if I make a note or two?

  Mageeba waves permission and Wagner takes a note book from his pocket.

  Mageeba If it is a war it is not of my waging. I am a man of peace … (He waits for Wagner and repeats as he writes.) … man of peace. When a man strikes me without cause or warning, I invite him to breakfast. Don’t I, Geoffrey?

  Carson I have told Mr Wagner that this is a social call, sir.

  Mageeba Quite right. I am going to have breakfast with Shimbu. At least – I have invited him to breakfast, I can do no more than that, and I don’t mind at all, Mr Wagner, that you are here to witness my good faith.

  Wagner Do you think Shimbu will come?

  Mageeba I think he might come if he is still his own master. He would come early, perhaps, and bring his own food, but I think he would come. It would be to his advantage now to come to the breakfast table with a reasonable and peace-loving man. His methods have been piratical but his cause is not without interest. Our frontiers, you know, are still the frontiers of colonialism. Adoma has its own language, an ancient culture, and the people are of distinct appearance. This does not mean that Adoma could prosper as an independent nation – frankly it could not, except as the hand-maiden of its so-called liberators, and I think Shimbu will see that there is more true independence in being, let us say, an autonomous state federated to Kambawe.