Chasing Shadows

by Lynn Austin

  “A little background music, Herman. Miriam is a musician. She might enjoy it.”

  “Eloise, my love. It isn’t a good idea right now.” He reached for her again, but she shoved his hand aside, roughly this time, and gave him an angry glare. He looked helpless, as if he needed to stop her and didn’t know how. Ans couldn’t see how listening to music would do her any harm. The professor closed his eyes as if in pain as Eloise gave the knob a triumphant turn and the radio hummed to life. The announcer spoke English, so Ans didn’t know what he was saying, but his somber tone and rushed words told her that something terrible had happened.

  The professor tried again. “See, Eloise? I don’t believe there’s going to be any music tonight—”

  She swatted his hand away, listening intently. It seemed to take a moment for her to get the gist of it, but when she did, she stumbled backwards to the nearest chair as if stunned. “He’s talking about a war with Germany!” she said in astonishment.

  “I had hoped to spare you and our guests the news. Please—”

  “I want to know what’s happening, Herman!”

  “Let me turn it off, my dear, and I will tell you.” He twisted the knob, silencing the spitting static and the announcer’s urgent jabber. Eloise didn’t stop him this time. “The Nazis invaded Poland the day before yesterday,” he told her in Dutch. “They’re bombing Warsaw. Hitler has broken the agreement he made in Munich with England and France, so both countries have declared war on Germany.”

  “That’s how the last war began,” Eloise said. “Just as quickly, after that awful assassination.” She looked like a frightened child. Ans hurried over to kneel beside her chair, taking her hand to comfort her as she would her little sister, Maaike.

  “Excuse me, please,” Miriam’s father said, “but could you tell us what has happened?”

  Professor Huizenga removed his glasses and ran his hand over his face before sitting down. He repeated the news in German. Mr. Jacobs appeared shocked. Miriam covered her mouth as if to hold back a cry. They had seemed at peace only a moment ago. “What a terrible way to begin your first day in your new home,” Professor Huizenga said.

  Miriam’s father cleared his throat. “And the Netherlands? What will this country do? Will they take sides with Hitler or with the others?”

  “Our government has vowed to remain neutral in any armed conflict,” the professor said, fixing his glasses in place again, “just as we did in the Great War. Only last month, Hitler assured our leaders that he’ll respect our neutrality. It’s in his best interest for us to remain neutral.” The professor’s words didn’t seem to soothe Mr. Jacobs. The news had aged him even more, his body capsizing as he sank deeper into his chair.

  “My wife and family are still in Germany.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Professor Huizenga said. “I’ll do everything I can to bring them here as quickly as possible.” He leaned forward, his gaze holding Mr. Jacobs’s. “What happened to you in Germany can’t happen here. Our government will keep us out of Europe’s mess.”

  Ans glanced at Miriam and saw panic on her face. The room fell silent.

  Eloise stood, rising from her seat as if sleepwalking. “I apologize to everyone, but I’m feeling very tired.” Her voice was strangely flat. “I know you’ve had a long day too. Perhaps we should all say good night.”

  Ans rose and took Eloise’s arm.

  Miriam and her father also stood. “Thank you for the meal and for all you’re doing for us,” Mr. Jacobs said.

  “Would it bother you if I played my violin in my room?” Miriam asked.

  “Not at all,” Eloise said. “I think it would be lovely.”

  “I’ll join you in a moment, dear,” Professor Huizenga said.

  Ans helped Eloise climb the stairs and get ready for bed. Neither of them mentioned the upsetting news. The faint sound of a violin drifted down from Miriam’s bedroom upstairs, the tune haunting and plaintive.

  “Those poor people . . . ,” Eloise murmured. “What they must have endured.”

  Ans nodded, remembering Miriam’s timid smile as they’d walked Leiden’s peaceful streets and the way she’d glowed when she talked of the man she loved. She had seemed as happy to be in beautiful Leiden as Ans was. “Can I get you anything else?” Ans asked when Eloise was in bed.

  “No. You may go. And leave the light on, please. I need to sleep with it on.”

  “Good night, then.”

  It was too early for bed. Ans went downstairs again to the front room, where Professor Huizenga was listening to a Dutch news program. He switched it off and looked up. “Does Eloise seem all right?”

  “She’s a bit shaky. She wants to sleep.”

  “Did she take her medicine?”

  Ans nodded. “I can only imagine how upsetting the news must be for her.”

  “Yes, and for the Jacobses as well. I’ll need to help Professor Jacobs get settled at the university tomorrow, so I’m glad you’ll be here for Eloise. We’ll need to watch her closely.”

  The doorbell rang, and Ans offered to answer it. Her heart did a little dance when she saw Erik on the doorstep. She hadn’t seen him in more than a week, occupied with the preparations for the Jacobses’ visit. “Erik! What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?”

  He shook his head. “Can you come for a walk with me, Ans?”

  “Sure. Let me get a jacket and tell the professor I’m going.”

  “Have you heard the news?” he asked when Ans returned. He reached for her hand and they started walking.

  “About the war? Yes. It’s awful, isn’t it? I hope it isn’t as long or as horrible as the last one. The news upset Mrs. Huizenga terribly. We have guests staying with us—Jewish refugees from Germany—and they were also upset.”

  “I came to tell you that I’m being called up for military training with the Dutch army.”

  “Military training? Why?”

  “All men between age eighteen and forty are required to go. They say as many as three hundred thousand of us will be mobilized.”

  Ans halted in place. She squeezed his hand tighter. “But . . . the Netherlands is neutral. Professor Huizenga said Hitler promised not to attack us. He thinks the other nations will respect our neutrality too, as they did during the first war.”

  “Yes, the Netherlands will remain neutral.” He tugged her hand to start her walking again.

  “Then why are we mobilizing our men?”

  “It’s just a precaution. We need to let the other countries know that we won’t take sides in this war, but we’ll defend our borders.” Erik encircled her waist and pulled her close as they continued down the street and across the bridge to the park.

  Ans wrapped her arm around him too, wondering how much longer she would have him beside her. “When do you have to leave? Do you know where you’ll be sent?”

  “I’m not sure about any of that. I haven’t received orders yet. But very soon, I expect.” In his understated way, he seemed excited by the prospect.

  “How do you feel about going?” she asked.

  “I think army life might suit me. And it’s not like anyone will be shooting at me.”

  “I should hope not!”

  He halted by the water’s edge and took both her hands in his as he gazed down at her. He seemed shy suddenly. “I came to ask a favor. I know we’ve only known each other a few weeks, but . . . will you be my girlfriend?”

  Ans hoped it was too dark for him to see that she was blushing. Her fair skin always betrayed her. “I would like that very much,” she replied. “I’m going to miss you, Erik.” She leaned close and hugged him tightly. The thought of Erik going away or fighting a war made her realize how much she cared for him.

  He lifted her chin and gave her a quick kiss. She wanted more, but he gave her a teasing smile. “Wait. I have another favor to ask. May I come back tomorrow and take some pictures of you? And of us together? A friend of mine has a camera he said I could borrow.”

 
His request made her laugh.

  “I can’t wait to show off my beautiful girlfriend to the other men. They’ll be so jealous!” He took her into his arms, and they kissed until they were both breathless.

  Ans had never seen Erik this happy. She thought of Miriam again, how happy she’d looked when she’d described the man she loved. A shiver of joy spread through Ans as they walked back to the house together. She was thrilled to call this handsome man her boyfriend. Her parents would like him, except for the fact that he wasn’t interested in going to church. But then, neither was she.

  For the first week of the new war, Ans stayed beside Eloise every moment of the day whenever her husband was away. They showed Miriam the three apartments they’d found and helped her choose one. But Eloise had none of her usual energy and barely spoke a word. It had been hard for Ans to adjust to Eloise’s nonstop chatter when she’d first started working for her, but now her long silences seemed ominous. Ans realized how fragile her employer’s facade had been all these weeks as she saw it begin to fracture. The task of preventing her from falling into despair might prove nearly as exhausting as keeping up with her frenetic activity.

  Erik’s mobilization orders came the following week. Ans managed to get away for a short time to see him off at the Leiden train station. A deep foreboding stole over her as she kissed him goodbye, as if a storm cloud had stolen the sun’s warmth. Her tears started falling, and she was helpless to stop them.

  “Don’t cry,” Erik soothed. “I’m only going away for training, not to fight.”

  “I know. But everything’s changing, and I don’t want it to. I was so happy . . . We were having so much fun together, and now . . .” She wiped her cheeks, searching for a way to explain how she felt. “I remember riding my bicycle out in the country one time, and I suddenly heard thunder booming in the distance. A storm was racing up behind me, moving closer and closer, and I felt so vulnerable out there on the empty road. There was no place to hide or take cover from the lightning. I feel that way now, with all the rumbles of war thundering around our little country.”

  Erik pulled her close. “That’s why I’m going into the army, Ans. I want to be that shelter for you. I want to always keep you safe.”

  Her tears continued to fall as she watched Erik’s train leave the station. He and dozens of other young men waved and blew kisses from the open windows, buoyed with the idea of a great adventure. Ans watched the train until it was out of sight, then gathered her strength to hurry home to Eloise.

  CHAPTER 8

  Lena attacked the tub of laundry with the plunger as if it were her enemy. She wished she had gone into town with Pieter. He should have been home by now, but he wasn’t. It didn’t take three hours to sell their milk and eggs and pick up the items Lena had asked for. That meant he was probably talking about enlisting with some of the other farmers again.

  Steam from the boiling tubs fogged the porch windows where she worked. Lena removed her sweater, then pulled the kerchief off her head and mopped her brow before running the finished load through the wringer. She and Pieter had done all of the usual autumn chores together—harvesting the fall crops, butchering pigs, smoking the meat, and making sausage—but now that the work was finished and winter approached, Pieter was growing restless. Deep creases had furrowed his brow like a plowed field as they’d sat in the kitchen last evening listening to news of the war on the radio.

  “Why does it bother you so much?” she’d finally asked. “We don’t have to worry. We aren’t at war with anyone.”

  “You expect me to be content just sitting around all winter,” he’d replied, “while other men are doing their duty?”

  “You’re too old for the draft. Besides, you’re exempt because you’re a farmer.”

  “I’m thinking of joining the reserves.”

  “Pieter, no! This war is none of our country’s business. If our government wants to muster troops as a show of strength, let them do it without you.”

  “That show of strength kept the Netherlands neutral the last time, remember? I need to do my part.” He had grabbed his jacket and stormed off to the barn, slamming the door. Lena had let him go. They rarely argued, and she didn’t want this disagreement to come between them. But she feared it would.

  She was pegging clothes on the line a half hour later when she heard their truck coming up the road. She left the basket where it was and walked across the yard to meet him outside the barn. She could tell by the way he squared his shoulders and lifted his chin that he had something important to say.

  “I know you won’t be happy, Lena, but it’s all arranged. Six of us have enlisted in the reserves together. We’ll be reporting to army headquarters in Den Haag for training.”

  “When?”

  “Monday.”

  Lena grabbed his jacket sleeves, wishing she could shake sense into him. “Pieter, please don’t do this. I’m begging you.”

  “It’s already done. You know I have to go. You know it’s the right thing to do.”

  “But it isn’t! You have a wife and children to think about. A farm to look after. No one will fault you for not going. Tell them you changed your mind. Please!”

  “I’m not changing my mind.” He twisted free. Lena knew she was supposed to submit to her husband’s decisions, but she couldn’t face the thought of him going away. Or of being left alone.

  “Pieter, I’m afraid for you.”

  He sighed and pulled her into his arms. She thought he was going to give in and listen to reason, but he released her after only a moment and walked toward the open barn door. She followed him inside. “You’re getting all worked up for nothing, Lena. You didn’t carry on this way when I trained during the first war.”

  “We weren’t married yet,” she said, keeping pace with him. “You didn’t have three children to think about.”

  “And now I do!” he said, raising his voice. “They’re the reason I have to go!”

  “If you’re truly thinking about us, you’ll stay home.”

  Pieter halted and closed his eyes for a long moment. Then he opened them again and looked intently at her. “The first war was more than twenty years ago. I need to take a retraining course with the latest weapons. There’s no reason for you to worry because we aren’t at war and we aren’t going to be. But our military needs to demonstrate that we’re prepared to defend our borders. And I need to be ready too.”

  “What about our farm?”

  “I’ll get everything in order before I go. Wim will help with the milking. He knows what to do. The training only lasts eight weeks.”

  She turned away without answering and walked back to her clothesline. Her anger grew as she shook the wrinkles from each piece of clothing and hung it up to dry. She was angry at the war, angry at Pieter’s stubbornness, angry at her own helplessness. Pieter and Ans would both be gone, and with the two younger children in school all day, Lena would be alone. She had felt helpless as she’d watched Ans board the train to Leiden. She’d felt helpless to stop the march of time when she’d watched her youngest child walk down the road to start school. And now she was helpless to stop Pieter from leaving. This wasn’t how she’d imagined her life would be. How had it spun out of control?

  Before dawn on Monday morning, Pieter fed and milked the cows for the last time, then returned to their bedroom to pack. Lena’s anger transformed into panic as she watched her husband place his neatly folded clothes in an empty feed sack and gather his shaving gear.

  “It isn’t fair,” she fumed. “Why does there have to be another war? Why does it have to upset everything we’ve worked for?”

  “We endured a European war once before.”

  Lena moved to block his path, stopping him as he turned to the open dresser drawer. “You know how much I worry about Ans, far away in Leiden. Now I’ll be worried about you, too.”

  Pieter rarely lost his temper, but his voice grew louder, his tone sharp. “You have to stop this useless fretting, Lena! The Bibl
e says, ‘Do not be anxious about anything’!”

  She gaped at him in surprise. Pieter was a man of faith, but he rarely spoke of it. And he never quoted Scripture.

  “You can’t just say ‘stop’ and expect me to—”

  “Lena, listen to me!” His hands squeezed her arms. “You’re wound so tightly, worrying about every little thing, trying so hard to hang on to control, but you never were in control to begin with. It’s an illusion. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you’ll put everything into God’s hands and find some peace and maybe even get some sleep at night.” He released her and lifted the sack. “Now will you drive me into town, or should I ride my bicycle?”

  She stared at him. She wasn’t going to win. Europe was at war, and Pieter was going away for training. “I’ll drive you,” she said, then threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly one last time.

  She woke Wim and Maaike and told them to get dressed for school while she was gone. A cloud of dust billowed behind the truck as Lena drove Pieter into the village—like the billowing clouds of war that were quickly overshadowing the Continent. The other five farmers who’d enlisted along with Pieter were already at the station, waiting for the train. Lena knew all of these men and the families they were leaving behind. Did their wives hate this decision as much as she did?

  Lena couldn’t wait for the train. She had to get home to her children and her chores. “I’ll write,” Pieter said as they kissed goodbye. “I love you.”

  Lena nodded, her heart too sorrowful for words.

  CHAPTER 9

  Miriam lowered her head against the wind as she hurried to her apartment. She usually enjoyed the freedom of walking everywhere in this pretty city, watching the boats on the glittering canals or winding through the maze of centuries-old cobblestone streets and imagining how she would share all these things with Avi. But November had brought weather that was cold and damp, along with shorter days. The sun set by late afternoon, and Abba had to walk home from the university in the dark. She knew Leiden wasn’t like Cologne, with gangs that randomly attacked Jews, but the memory of what her cousin Saul had endured made her stomach churn whenever Abba was late.