The Long Fall

by Daniel Quentin Steele

  I hopped on the treadmill and walked for 15 minutes, then ran for 25, then walked for 15 and ran for 30 minutes. When I finished I sagged against the arms of the treadmill and gasped while I tried to catch my breath. My stomach and back hurt and my legs felt like they were able to fall off.

  I had turned the air up to 80, to approximate the conditions in Hurly’s gym at night.

  Sweat poured off my body. My tee-shirt was plastered to my body. For a minute I was blinded by sweat running in my eyes. I tried to wipe the sweat out with my tee shirt, but it was so soaked it didn’t help.

  “Here,” a soft voice said and someone placed a towel in my hands. I wiped my face and tried to catch my breath. She stepped back a pace and wrapped her arms around her chest under her breasts, forcing those delectable high riding mounds up and out. I would have sworn round bumps pushed out from the center of each of those mounds.

  I caught my breath enough to say, “And....what brings...you here at midnight, Ms. des-Jardins?”

  Without a smile she said, “I told you this was a small ship. People run into each other all the time.”

  “At midnight, in a closed gym?”

  She shrugged. Even that was sexy.

  “You run as if the devil was behind you. What are you running from, Mr. Maitland? What does the Angel of Death fear?”

  “You know. Edwards did hire you to baby-sit me. Well, good job, Ms. des-Jardins. I almost thought there, for awhile...but no matter. You are a true professional. As one professional to another...you do your job very well.”

  “The captain gave me the option. Any of the three assistant directors could have taken the assignment. But, I read the stories about you in the local paper. You seemed like an interesting man.”

  I rubbed my face until it was dry and let out a puff of air. Why did I feel like I had been kicked in the stomach. I gave a soft chuckle. Is there anything funnier than the fantasies of a middle aged man about a beautiful woman?

  “What is so funny?”

  “Nothing. Private joke. Well, Ms. des-Jardins, you can go now. You’ve succeeded in lifting my spirits with your flirting. And this cruise itself has done wonders for my frame of mind. I’m just going to finish my workout, and then go straight to bed. The sea air seems to help me sleep very well. I’m not going to jump overboard or do anything stupid.

  “Please, don’t let me intrude on the rest of your night. Carry on with your plans for the evening.”

  She raised one slim finger to rub it against those ruby lips and said, “My plans include going to the Alpha Lounge, the one across the way. There is a two-man musical trio playing until at least 2 a.m., or whenever. There will be drinks and some hors d’oeuvres.

  “It is a beautiful night out tonight. And I am free until tomorrow late morning. If you would like to come over as my guest, we could…talk...enjoy the night.”

  I already knew that God was a prick, but each time it was revealed just how big a prick, it hit me hard all over again. Why throw raw meat into a starving carnivore’s cage only to pull it back before the beast could feed.

  If I went, I would only be feeding a hopeless fantasy. And even if she fulfilled the promise of those lips and those breasts, what would it mean? I was just an assignment.

  “You carry professionalism to heights I didn’t know people were capable of. I’d already give you high marks for keeping me happy vertically. You don’t have to go that far, unless you get a bonus for bedding special guests.”

  That was the first time I could say I’d seen a person’s eyes really flash with anger. Her lips tightened and she glared at me.

  “Tonight only goes to prove, I guess, that you can never really know another person, Mr. Maitland. I had let myself begin to entertain thoughts that a married woman should not entertain about anyone other than her husband.

  “Until I realized just now that you are a very, very sad man. I don’t know who has hurt you, only that you were going through a trying time. But, I see now that you cannot accept feelings from another human being.

  “I have watched you walk these decks like a dark spirit. There is something about you that keeps people at bay. I saw you with those women this afternoon. Any normal man, any man of flesh and blood, would have been tempted, but not you. I thought at first the man you saw in the lounge was a friend. But he told me you were a stranger. Maybe that is why you could be decent toward him.

  “Do you have any friends, Mr. Maitland?”

  Her expression changed and I thought it was one of sadness, but that flickered and the anger returned.

  “I was going to offer friendship to a man I found appealing and intriguing. But you took that friendship and threw it in my face. You think I’m a whore for this cruise ship, don’t you? Because I accepted an assignment to see that you did not endanger yourself, you thought that I was a cheap tramp.”

  She shook her head, tossing that black mane.

  “Well, you can remain the Angel of Death for the rest of the cruise and I will ask the Captain if he will assign someone else to shepherd you. And if he can’t find anyone, so be it.

  “For myself, I am going to go to the Alpha Lounge, drink and laugh and enjoy the company of good men and women. And watch the sea.

  “You, as you Americans would say, can go fuck yourself.”

  She turned and walked out without another word.

  I stared at that ass and at the moment hated Debbie more than I believed was humanly possible. I had loved being married. I lived with a woman I loved and who loved me.

  I might be tempted by other women, was tempted by other women, but there was nobody – with maybe one longstanding exception – I’d ever seriously considered cheating with.

  When women hit on me I didn’t have to think about what to do. I stepped back from the edge and went home and fucked my luscious wife senseless.

  And if I came inside her thinking of another woman, or another woman’s ass, or another woman’s breasts or luscious lips, it was allowed in the Husband’s Code of Conduct. As long as you didn’t touch, you could lust.

  Now I was single, sort of. And it was worse than being back in Junior High. Did I continue my workout, forget about the luscious Ms. des-Jardins, go back to my room and get some sleep, then continue the rest of the cruise staying as far away from her as possible and go back to my lonely, sexless existence?

  She had no feelings for me. It was just a job. And now she was royally pissed and terribly offended. If I dared to show my face at the Alpha Lounge, she would probably spit in my face and enjoy it.

  On the other hand, her actions over the past three days and her words tonight indicated there might be more than the job involved, despite how unlikely that seemed, and if there was any chance that I might get to know her better, I’d be insane not to go to the Alpha Lounge.

  On the other hand, she had said she was married. Nothing was going to happen with a beautiful married woman. Guys that looked like me didn’t seduce women that looked like Aline.

  On the other hand, if some miracle occurred and I wound up in bed with Aline, and I couldn’t get it up, I was going to jump overboard. No ifs, ands or buts. That would be the ‘coup de grâce’, to coin a little French.

  On the other hand...there was no other hand.

  I was going to the Alpha Lounge.

  CHAPTER 10: FOOLS RUSH IN

  My name is William Maitland. I’m an Assistant State Attorney in Jacksonville, Florida. I’m the poster child for workaholics, having thrown away one of the hottest women in Jacksonville and my two children and a 20 year relationship because I couldn’t maintain a life apart from my job as the top working prosecutor in Jacksonville

  Three months ago I had a wife. In another month or so I won’t. I haven’t taken the break-up well, although it has done my physical conditioning a world of good. It also led me to a mini-breakdown which in turn led my boss, the real top prosecutor, to exile me from my job and troubles for a week-long cruise on the French operated cruise ship, Bonne Chance.r />
  The cruise has done me a world of good. I have met a poor little rich girl who really does have more problems than I have, which at least showed me that I didn’t have the shittiest life on the planet. And I have also met the luscious and lovely Aline des-Jardins, one of three cruise directors on the ship who has been flirting with me, raising my ego and libido for the past three days.

  Unfortunately, when my suspicions that her attentions were based on her being assigned to watch me to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid like jumping overboard as a result of depression were confirmed, I didn’t take that news well either. Which led the lovely Ms. des-Jardins to tell me forcefully to go fuck myself, instead of possibly getting the chance to plumb her depths.

  And that is why at 12:30 a.m., after royally pissing off the first woman other than my wife that I have seriously considered going to bed with in 18 years, I have showered and I’m my way over to the Alpha Lounge at the bow of the ship where I expect Ms. des-Jardins to be having a good time without me. I will probably be insulted and crushed in a way that hasn’t happened since Junior High when Missy Cartwright laughed loudly at me when I asked her to dance at the first formal dance I’d ever attended.

  But no matter what happens, I will at least be doing SOMETHING as my life circles the Big Toilet Bowl of fate. I may go down, but I will go down fighting.

  Monday, July 18, 2005 -- 12:35 A.M.

  I walked out of the elevator which ran from the sixth to seventh decks of the Bonne Chance and saw down the corridor a knot of five men and women drinking and smoking and generally fooling around. Three of them were female passengers I vaguely recognized. Two of them were younger male staff officers.

  The doorway behind them was open and I saw smoke and lights and heard music. I didn’t need the sign overhead that said “Alpha Lounge” to let me know that my moment of truth was about on me.

  I had faced a mob of horny frat boys with a fire poker and millionaires who had threatened my family and serial killers who had very sincerely told me they would escape prison and flay the skin from my body while I was still alive, and I don’t think I was ever more frightened than I was walking down that corridor.

  This woman, and the power she had to crush what lingering remnants of a male ego I still possessed, would have given even the Angel of Death pause....but as the old saying goes, fools rush in.....

  They looked at me curiously as I approached them. I had dressed in black slacks and a black turtleneck that I’d had cleaned on board. One of the taller male officers stepped forward to intercept me as I drew near the doorway.

  “I’m sorry, M’sieu,” he said, interposing his body between me and the doorway without being too obvious about blocking me. “The Alpha Lounge is restricted to invited guests. There are many other lounges and bars open at this hour elsewhere on the ship.”

  “I’ve been invited. Ms. des-Jardins invited me. Would you check with her and let her know I’m here. My name is William Maitland.”

  He looked at me and then at the other male officer. A look passed between them and I knew what he was going to say.

  “I’m sorry sir, but Ms. des-Jardins informed us that you might be coming and told us to tell you that you were not welcome here.”

  Now that I was here, being crushed wasn’t all that terrible.

  “Women can change their minds. Often do. Tell her that Mr. Maitland would like to apologize. You can do that, can’t you?”

  He tried to stare me down but men a lot tougher than him had failed and he finally shrugged and said something in French to the other officer that probably translated to “keep the asshole out while I check,” and walked into the lounge.

  We just stared at each other while the three women stared at me and giggled and whispered among themselves. It didn’t seem to be too long before the tall officer walked back out.

  “I’m sorry sir. She said she hasn’t changed her mind and won’t. She said you should seriously consider her last suggestion.”

  Well, that was clear enough. She was pissed. All those romantic fantasies I had spun in my mind were crashing to the hard cold earth. But, the odd thing was, I didn’t feel too badly. I had tried. There was probably less than no chance that anything could have ever happened between a woman like her and a man like me. But at least I would have no regrets about what could have been.

  I looked back to the elevator and then changed my mind. She might be able to keep me out of the lounge, but she couldn’t keep me from looking down at the ocean from this side of the ship. The railing ran around three-quarters of the section.

  ‘How do you get to the deck railing from here?”

  “You can take the elevator back down to the sixth and get out to the deck from there.”

  “I want to go out on this deck’s railing.”

  “I’m afraid...”

  “Yeah, as the punch line goes, be very, very afraid. You can keep me out of the lounge with no problem. I doubt very seriously you can keep a paying guest from walking on the outside railing anywhere in this ship. And if you try I am going to raise so much hell that your company will be very sorry they ever sold my boss a ticket for this cruise.”

  He looked at his fellow officer and they frowned, undoubtedly thinking so hard I expected smoke to start billowing out of their ears. The tall one finally said, “follow me,” and led me down the corridor beyond the entrance to the lounge and to a closed door. He pushed on the metal bar across the door and it opened with a creak, revealing the outside railing that ran around most of this section.

  “It locks from this side,” he said, grabbed a metal rod wedged into a metal stanchion near a glass-encased fire extinguisher, and propped it in the doorway. The door couldn’t close and couldn’t lock.

  “You won’t be locked out. When you come in, please remove the bar and replace it where it was, if you would. Oh, and….”

  “I’m not going to try to crash your intimate little orgy,” I said, looking back at the three female passengers who were stroking the other male officer in a fairly obvious manner. “I just want to get some fresh air and a fresh perspective and then I’ll be out of your, and Ms. des-Jardins’, hair. If you would, tell her I hope she has better luck with her next assignment.”

  I walked out without waiting for a reply. I walked to the railing, taking one look back at the lounge. I could hear strains of something like a romantic ballad French style being sung inside, but no words. Then I looked back down and out at the waves. The view was the opposite side of the ship.

  From the other deck I had watched the ship cutting through the Caribbean. From this deck I watched the waves fall away behind us as the ship moved forward. It was cool but pleasant as the winds whipped along the deck. It could have been raining or it might have been sea foam, but drops would hit my face from time to time. The ship was obviously not moving as fast as it had been on other nights.

  Marsh Harbour in Abaco wasn’t that far away so they were obviously taking their time getting there to make it in six or seven hours.

  I lost track of time and when I glanced at my watch next, it showed that it was 1:30 a.m. Where had the time gone?

  “You are not only a very unpleasant man, but stupid as well. Most men would have taken the hint they were not wanted and simply have slunk off with their tails between their legs.”

  “Probably too stupid to know when I’m not wanted. Anyway, I hoped you’d be aggravated enough to come out to talk to me.”

  She had changed out of her standard blue and gold uniform and was wearing a light blue low-necked blouse that showed she did have breasts and a pair of blue slacks. She stared at me with her characteristic stone-faced expression, or lack of one.

  “Why? I think I made my feelings about you clear, and you made your feelings about me crystal clear, Mr. Maitland. What do we have to talk about?”

  I turned my body to her and reached out to take her hand. She stiffened, but did not pull away.

  “I just wanted to apologize, Aline. Then I’l
l leave and I’ll do my best to make we don’t run into each other again. I am sorry. Sorry that I misjudged you. Sorry that I insulted you, when you were just trying to do a job. I..uh...I reacted badly because I have to admit I was spinning some pleasant fantasies about you. You are a beautiful woman and I’m sure I’m not the only man that’s ever been...smitten with you. I was hurt. But I know I had no cause to insult you the way I did.”

  “No, you didn’t. It hurt more because I did...like you. You seemed like a different kind of man. When you....said what you did....you caught me off guard. “

  “I know this won’t make a difference in how you feel, but the only excuse I can give you is that I’m in strange territory here.”

  She looked at me quizzically.

  “I’ve been married for 18 years and in a committed relationship for almost two years before that. I’ve forgotten how to do the man-woman thing.”

  She stepped closer.

  “The captain said your superior told him you were in the middle of a very bad divorce. That you were hurt very badly by your wife’s actions.”

  “It all started when my wife said four words to me that ended our marriage...”

  And so I told her everything. I told her about the emails, which I could almost recite word for word. I watched her face as I told her my story, leaving nothing out. I told her about how Debbie and I had met. And how I had never truly believed she loved me, but that instead it was a marriage built of gratitude and hero worship.

  Why I felt free to tell her, a stranger, of all the people in the world, about the emails and what they revealed about my marriage, I could never say for sure.

  “And that’s why I’m on the cruise. That’s why I am probably more of an asshole than I have been. Why I put people off. I didn’t want this life. I don’t want it. I want what I had, but I can never have it again. I still love her, even while I hate her. I don’t know that I’ll ever stop loving her, but I pray every night that that day comes.