So, That Got Weird

by Amelia Kingston

  She bites her lip and glances off toward the living room. Toward Drew. “I’m…in the way. I’m not… I don’t want to make things complicated.”

  “They’re not.”

  She mutters, “Not for you. You fit in everywhere.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing.” She sighs, brushing past me and beelining it for my bedroom.

  I stalk into the living room and smack Drew in the back of the head with a, “Thanks for that, asshole.”

  “Does this mean there isn’t any breakfast?” Drew calls back at me as I make my way to my room to figure out what the hell’s wrong with Elizabeth.

  “Fuck off,” I call back before the sound of Elizabeth’s horrified voice makes my blood run cold.

  From the bedroom I hear her scream, “No. Oh God, no! Please.”

  My heart is racing and my only thought is to get to her. I’m at a near-dead sprint by the time I make it to my bedroom. I hurdle the bed like it’s the last blocker between me and the game-saving tackle.

  She’s sitting on the far side of the bed, glaring at her phone and shaking her head. She slumps her shoulders and drops her head into her hands. Cowering in defeat, her small body trembles as she weeps. Kneeling at her side, I examine her for some injury. She’s broken, but not hurt. The sight twists a knife in my gut. I wrap her in my arms and her cries get louder, her tiny frame shuddering as I press it against mine.

  “It’s okay. I’ve got you,” I tell her in the softest voice my frayed nerves can produce. She sniffles and pulls away, wiping at the tears on her face with the back of her hand. She would hate me for saying it, but right now she looks like a little girl.

  Small, vulnerable and broken.

  All I want to do is hold her. I have an undeniable urge to keep her safe. She peers up with those chocolate eyes that are now red from crying. The pain in them breaks my heart. I would cut my own arm off to take that sadness out of her eyes. I know unequivocally that I would do anything for her. Realization strikes me like lightning, brilliant and violent.

  I love her.

  Terror hits me harder than a semi-truck, knocking the breath out of my lungs. I love this exquisite, feisty, damaged woman in a way I never thought possible. And it scares the fucking shit out of me. My chest constricts. I can’t breathe. For half a second, I seriously think I might be having a heart attack.

  Every fiber of my body is telling me to run. Don’t pass Go. Don’t collect two hundred dollars. Just get the fuck out before it’s too late.

  Before she destroys me.

  It’s already too late. My heart is hers to break.

  Instead of running, I tuck a strand of her frizzy hair behind her ear, wipe away the tear trailing down her cheek and place a tender kiss on her forehead, hoping she doesn’t realize the power she has over me.

  “What’s wrong, Goose?” I ask as I rub her back in slow circles.

  “It’s all gone.” I stare at her, not understanding. She holds up her phone and gets choked up, “It’s gone. Everything I’ve worked for.”

  “Take a deep breath. I don’t understand. Your phone died?”

  “No. Not my phone,” she snaps, exasperated. “Uforia. My country. It’s gone. Someone’s destroyed it. Jackie just texted.”

  I let out a sigh of relief, my body releasing some of its pent-up tension.

  “This is all just about your game? You scared the shit out of me. I thought someone died,” I tease with a soft chuckle. The daggers shooting out of her eyes quickly shut me up.

  Fuck. That was the wrong thing to say.

  “Just my game?” she scoffs, giving me a shove as she stands up. “Just a game,” she repeats again, more to herself than to me. She paces around anxiously like a caged tiger.

  “It is not just a game. It is my everything. Do you know how many hours I’ve spent building Uforia? Do you know how hard I’ve worked?” Her hands are flailing wildly and there is a terrifying fire in her eyes I’ve never seen before.

  Standing up, I tell her, “Okay, calm down,” I know the second the words are out of my mouth it’s the wrong thing to say. Again.

  She charges at me with her sweet face contorted in fury. She goes from broken girl to rampaging hulk in two seconds flat.

  “Calm down? Calm. Down! Oh, why didn’t I think of that? My world is crumbling around me, but Austin says to calm down, so I’ll just say loosey-goosey a few times and everything will be okay.”

  “Glad to see your sarcasm is intact. I get it—”

  “No. You don’t. Clearly.” She walks away from me, throwing her hands up in the air. “How could you? How could I possibly expect you to understand?”

  Ouch. Her words are a punch in the stomach.

  Her tone is detached and her gaze is dismissive.

  “You have no idea what it’s like. This is all I have. And now it’s gone.” Her whole body freezes in place, hands still in the air mid-gesture, eyes glazed over. Someone hit her Pause button.

  “Elizabeth?”

  Her eyes snap to me and understanding washes over her face. “And it’s all your fault.”

  What. The. Actual. Fuck?

  “Excuse me?” I ask. I may be in love with her, but she can’t shit on me just because she’s having a bad fucking day.

  She starts back with her pacing but has exchanged her wild gesturing with tugging at her messy hair.

  “God, I’m such an idiot! Jackie warned me. I’ve been so distracted with this”—she gestures between us—“with you that I let myself forget what’s really important. I’ve got to get home. I need to log in and try to salvage what I can.” She’s talking mostly to herself as she scrambles around the room searching for her shoes. She can’t get out of here fast enough.

  For a moment the world goes silent. Everything is blurry and warped. I’m underwater. Drowning. All I can hear is the rushing beat of my heart pounding in my ears. My chest is tight, an unseen weight crushing my heart. I can’t draw a full breath. I gasp, sucking in as much air as I can. I hold it for the count of three before I’m able to say a word.

  “You can’t be serious right now,” I snap.

  It’s not until I taste blood that I realize I’ve bitten a gash on the inside of my cheek. I realize I love this girl and she tells me I’m not important. Even worse, I’m nothing but a distraction. Something deep inside me breaks.

  Fuck this.

  Fuck her.

  “Grow the fuck up, Elizabeth. You think some game is what’s important? A bunch of fucking strangers on a screen? It’s not fucking real. Maybe if you spent more time in the real world, instead of wasting your life playing make-believe like a fucking six-year-old, you wouldn’t need to pay a guy to fuck you!” I want to hurt her and I do.

  Her mouth drops open. Her body tenses like I slapped her. Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears. We stare at each other in bitter silence. Neither of us moves, but she’s further away every second that ticks by. Just before the tears fall, she turns her back to me. She stalks across the room to her shoes and furiously throws them on.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” she says to the air. To no one at all.

  My mind is racing. My heart is breaking. I didn’t realize my life was a house of cards.

  I’m dead silent as she grabs her things and heads for the door. I want her to turn around. I want her to reach out to me. I want her to stay.

  She doesn’t.

  This feels like the end. Like that stupid fucking egg, it’s shattered into so many pieces it can never be whole again. I knew it couldn’t be real. It wouldn’t last. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

  “Have a nice life, Elizabeth,” I call out as she slams the door behind her.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Elizabeth

  Back at my apartment, sitting in front of my computer, I should be entirely focused on Uforia, but I’m not. I can’t. Thoughts of Austin plague me, smothering me with their demands to be heard. Why do you miss him? Why can’t you stop thinking ab
out him? Why do you want him here with you? When I stop and listen, a wave of satisfaction washes over me.

  I’m in love with Austin Jacobs.

  Realizing you’re in love is like remembering the name of a song that’s been stuck in your head forever, driving you crazy. You know you know it, but you just can’t name it. Can’t make it real. I finally have a name for the tune my heart has been singing for weeks. Suddenly everything makes sense. I love him. I want to be with him. Not because of the sex, but because he makes me feel like a woman. He makes the bad days livable and the good days unforgettable. He makes me feel like I can do anything, be anything. And now he’s gone.

  Realization hits me harder than a slap across the face, sharp and painful. My heart breaks, because I know I’m too late. Tears trail down my cheeks at the memory of my last words to him.

  I let myself forget what’s really important. I can’t do this anymore.

  My head knows what happened, but my heart can’t understand. I close my eyes and all I see is his face, contorted in pain, disbelief and betrayal. My game forgotten entirely, I collapse into a blubbering heap on the floor, tears and snot streaming down my face.

  How could you be such an idiot?

  This game used to be the only place I could be myself. But that’s not true anymore. Austin saw me in all my weird, awkward glory. He saw me and he didn’t run away. Our fake relationship is the realest one I’ve ever had. Losing Uforia felt like losing myself, but it’s not. It was the end of a fantasy. Austin helped me find who I am. Losing him hurts more than losing a million Uforias.

  I reach for my phone and dial his number, not knowing what I could possibly say to him.

  Don’t leave me.

  You are the only thing that’s important.

  I want to be with you.

  I love you.

  I can’t find the words. It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t answer anyway.

  I’ve lost him.

  I make my way to my bed and throw myself into the sheets. They smell like Austin. I slam my eyes closed tight, but the tears come anyway. I remember his smile, his laugh, his words. Phantom tingles torture me with the memory of his touch. I crave the safety of his arms. The feeling of home.

  I want to crumple up into a ball. I want to hide and cry and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Austin’s voice rings in my head, tormenting me in the darkness. I need you to be brave. I bury my face in the pillow. I can’t. Yes, you can. I shake my head, my sobs subsiding into quiet, deep breaths. Silly Goose. Don’t you know you’re a goddess? You can do anything.

  I sit up and wipe away the remaining tears. If Austin believes in me, I sure as hell should be able to believe in myself. It’s time for me to grow up and deal with the real world. I can’t keep running away from my fears, hiding behind a computer screen and avoiding anyone who might be able to hurt me. I need to make this right. I can do this.

  * * * *

  I plop down in front of Austin, same as the first time we met. That was another lifetime. Just a few weeks ago I didn’t know who he was or how much he would teach me about life. About myself. Sitting across from him again, I’m even more terrified than the first time. I know what I have to lose now.

  His beautiful blue eyes meet mine and I launch right into my rambling. “So, here’s the thing. I’m an idiot. And a jerk. And I miss you. A lot. Like so much I can’t sleep.”

  Time slows down when you’re in hell. It took me twenty-seven hours and seventeen minutes—give or take a few seconds—to work up the courage to talk to him, but those hours without him were excruciating. I was a fish scooped out of the ocean, terrified and suffocating, only able to flop around uselessly until I eventually die.

  Despite the fact that we haven’t talked since I stormed out of his house, he doesn’t seem surprised to see me. His face doesn’t even hint at recognition, much less show any sign of missing me. I won’t let his indifferent stare deter me. I have a point around here somewhere and if I keep babbling, I’m sure I’ll find it eventually.

  “I’ve been trying to think of why. I mean, it was just three weeks, right? No big deal. I should be able to go back to my life.” I’m staring down at my hands, flailing as I talk. Stupid things have a mind of their own. “But I can’t. And there are a lot of reasons, I guess. I miss watching you cook dinner. I miss talking to you about my day. I miss the way you touch me. I miss the sound of your laugh. I even miss that stupid, smug smirk of yours. I miss all of you.”

  There’s only one thing left to say, the only thing that matters.

  I take a deep breath and spit it out, “And I’m pretty sure it’s because I love you.”

  I risk glancing up into his piercing eyes and that’s when I know beyond any shadow of a doubt. “Yep. I’m totally, idiotically, obsessively in love with you.”

  It’s a relief to say it out loud. His mouth drops open at my words, but he doesn’t seem to have anything to say. It makes my heart stutter. I wasn’t expecting him to say it back, but at least some form of acknowledgment would be nice.

  “I know you don’t believe in the whole love thing and you don’t do forevers,” I add quickly, making sure he knows I’m not expecting the romantic happily ever after. I just want to be with him. To go back to how it was before I told him he wasn’t important and ruined everything.

  “You are important to me. And I was hoping we could go back. To how it was before. We’re still friends, right?”

  His stoic face reveals a hint of something I can’t quite read.

  Longing?

  For a brief moment, his eyes search mine and I think I have him. Then something shifts. He’s pulled a veil down between us. I don’t recognize him anymore. His expression is hard and his eyes are cold.

  A chill runs up my spine when he says, “Fifty thousand dollars.”

  “What?” I gasp, pulling back and shaking my head.

  He plasters a cruel sneer on his beautiful lips. “For the rest of the school year, it’ll cost you fifty thousand dollars. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a halfway decent fuck, but it’s a job, right?” He gives me a lackadaisical shrug as if he ate the last donut in the box instead of ripping my beating heart out of my chest.

  My stomach’s one giant knot. I’m physically ill. I might throw up.

  “I’m not delusional. I know you’re not in love with me or anything. I just thought…” He’s not looking at me. He’s watching something over my shoulder. Someone. I turn to see the leggy brunette across the room smiling at him. He gives her his trademark sexy smirk. My smirk.

  I want to disappear. To spontaneously cease to exist. I’m torn between the desire to run as far and as fast as I can à la Forrest Gump or to slink away into a dark hole where I wallow away the rest of my life muttering about losing my precious like Gollum. I make a list of the pros and cons of my two potential futures, Gump vs. Gollum.

  “I…I thought there was something…real…between us.” My voice is a broken whisper. Having him so close and yet completely unattainable forces the first tear to roll down my cheek. He turns back to me, but he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see me. I’m invisible.

  “There’s nothing between us. Never was. Never will be. If you want to keep playing this weird little game of house, it’s going to cost you. Nothing in life is free.”

  Gump wins. I turn and sprint out of the library as fast as my feet will carry me.

  Run, Elizabeth, run.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Austin

  The same nightmare has been torturing me all week. I’m seven years old again, reliving the worst day of my life.

  I try to be a big boy, take care of myself. I make my bed, change my shirt and brush my teeth before school. Ms. Kathy asks me why I don’t have any lunch again today. I don’t want to get Mom in trouble. I shrug and say I don’t have it.

  Ms. Kathy keeps me after school so she can talk to Mom. Only, Mom never comes.

  My butt falls asleep in this stupid orange plastic chair. I sit on my hands for a
cushion and kick my feet to wake it up, but it doesn’t work. School’s over. It’s dark out and quiet. I wonder how I’m going to get home.

  I want to go home.

  Ms. Viola says she’s a social worker. I don’t know what that means. She is trying to get me in trouble. She asks when I last saw my mom and I lie. I tell her I don’t know, but I do. It was five days ago.

  Ms. Viola says she’s going to take me to stay with some really nice people for a little bit. I don’t want to go and I cry. I tell them I can take care of myself, but they don’t listen. I wish my mom was here. She’d tell them I’ve been a good boy. I’m always a good boy.

  I’m in a strange house full of other kids in a neighborhood I don’t know. The place smells like old socks and window cleaner. The kids are loud and some are mean. I stay awake wondering how Mom will find me. I’m scared I’ll never see her again and it’s all my fault. I should’ve lied. I hate it here. I want to go home. I want my mom.

  What if she never comes back?

  ‘Come here, my sweet boy,’ Mom calls to me.

  I run into her arms.

  ‘I missed you so much, baby. I love you. I’m never leaving you again.’

  I want to believe her. She smells like sweat and cigarettes. It reminds me of home. The other kids told me she doesn’t love me anymore. That she doesn’t want me. I don’t want to believe them. I want my mom to love me. I’ll try harder. I’ll be so good she’ll never leave again.

  When I open my eyes, I can almost smell the cigarettes and disappointment. You can’t count on anyone in this life. My past haunts my dreams, but Elizabeth torments my days. I should’ve known better. It’s good Elizabeth walked away from me. We’re both delusional if we think we’re in love. It wasn’t real. None of it was real. I don’t matter to her any more than some stupid game.

  And she doesn’t matter to me.

  It’s time to get back to my life, what’s really important. I’ve got one more semester before I graduate. I’ve got applications to submit to MBA programs and scholarships to apply for.