Fantasy Attraction (Hidden Secrets)

by Belden, P. J.

  “Carson, I told you to work out not kill the equipment.”

  “Sorry.” I huffed.

  Moving to the next one, I started to beat the shit out of it. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about what he has done to my sister. Not a day that I do not blame myself for it. It was guilt and it was eating me alive. My gambling got her into the mess she was in and now…now…

  “CARSON!”

  “WHAT!” I screamed.

  “I think you need to take a break. Go home. Take a shower. If you can’t get it out of your head man, I can’t put you in the ring. Even if it meant a definite win. It wouldn’t be right.”

  Wiping the sweat from my face with the towel that Connor tossed me, I sighed. No matter how hard I worked at it, no matter how much I tried to distract myself, I just couldn’t get it off my mind.

  “I can’t get it out of my head, Connor. I just…”

  “You’re blaming yourself for something that you had no control over, son. You’re blaming yourself for a situation that I am sure would have happened regardless of your previous debt. As long as you blame yourself for it, it will always be with you. It will always be in your head, destroying you. Then he breaks not only your sister, but you too. Do you want him to have that power?”

  Though what Connor was saying made sense, it pissed me off. I turned to the body bag and began to kick and swing like someone possessed. My surroundings blurred it was pure rage pouring through me. My muscles jumped and tensed and stretched with every movement. My target was no longer a body bag, but Alex fucking Greene.

  Suddenly, ice cold water splashed me knocking me from my daze.

  “What the fuck!”

  “Get your ass home now! If you can’t get your head together…soon…I can’t fight you!”

  Storming off, I punched the locker room door open. It banged against the wall and caused the guys in the locker room to stare at me. Standing in front of my locker, I stared at it unable to shake what happened to Kayla because of me. I slammed my fist through the locker next to mine and kicked through my own locker. I was getting ready to slam my fist into another locker when arms came around and held my arms down and squeezed tight.

  Son of a bitch!

  This was familiar from childhood, the only one of my siblings that dared to challenge me…

  “Let me go, asshat!”

  “No! Not until you calm the fuck down!”

  “I am telling you Eli, I am not in the fucking mood. Let me go!”

  “Connor called me and apparently he needed to do it sooner. If you aren’t going to chill out, then let’s take it to the ring.”

  I laughed. “Eli, I would kill your old ass!”

  “Challenge accepted. Let’s go!”

  Eli didn’t let me go. He held me in the vice grip and walked me out to the ring. Do you think he let me go then…NOPE! He threw my ass into the ring.

  “Keep your ass right there. I need to get out of my suit.”

  With that, he walked off and was back in shorts and tennis shoes. Guys that witnessed the whole situation stood around. I even heard a couple of them telling my brother not to go against me when I got like this. Eli just shrugged and stepped into the ring.

  “I am going to enjoy kicking your ass, Eli.”

  I jumped up and down and rolled my head around to loosen myself up for the fight. In my early years, Eli trained with me in order to help keep me focused. He was now a lawyer and spent most of his time behind a desk. He had no idea what he was walking into.

  “Bring it on you little puke!”

  Oh the old taunt from when we were kids. Elijah was four years older than I was, so we got into a ton of scuffles that my dad usually had us solve by fighting it out. Of course, because my dad wanted us to fight we didn’t.

  “We aren’t kids anymore. I am not that little boy anymore.”

  “No, but you are still just as annoying.”

  We circled each other, both of us hopping from one foot to the other waiting for the other to make the first move. The thing about my brother was he had no patience at all. It was one of the things that made him a good lawyer. He went into a case having an answer for any rebuttal that might occur.

  Eli swung and I dodged retaliating with a right jab to his face. He swung again connecting with my jaw and I connected with his stomach. We danced around each other for a few moments before he came at me again, I shift dodging his jab and landed an uppercut hard and dead on causing him to stumble backwards. We continued to punch each other. I had busted his lip open and caused a gash below his eye and his right side of his face was already swelling. I wasn’t sure what he had done to me, but he was asking for a death wish if we kept going. We were both covered in sweat. It was dripping down into my eyes burning them, but I’d be damned if I was stopping. I swear though if Eli didn’t he was going to regret it.

  I swept my foot out knocking Eli’s feet right out from underneath him. He fell with a thud to the mat. Walking over to him, I looked him in the eyes.

  “Stop. It’s enough old man! You’re going to get hurt.”

  Suddenly his fist connected with my groin. I stumbled backwards, holding myself.

  “You fucking asshole!” I groaned.

  “Don’t call me an old man!”

  I straightened up when I saw him lift himself off the mat. We went at it for a while longer. I knocked him down several more times. Each time he got up slower than the last. A sudden vision of Alex popped into my head. I couldn’t control. There was no warning. When Eli came at me, I went back with far too much force than I needed to use with my brother. He fell back to the mat and didn’t move. The sight of my brother lying there not moving stopped the rage cold. I scrambled to my brother’s side.

  “Shit! Eli…man…I’m so sorry.”

  Connor pushed me away and the medic team—that was always on standby when a fight, practice or not, were taking place—rushed in. A few minutes passed and I stood there wanting to know something. Connor turned around livid. The vein in his head was popping out.

  “Get your shit and go home! If you can’t get it under control…I’m done! Look what you just fucking did to your brother! GET OUT!”

  He shoved me out of the ring. I didn’t go to the locker room to change. Grabbing my shit, I stormed out of the gym and flew back to my house. Once I got inside, I stormed down to my private gym and began to beat the shit out of the punching bag.

  “I told him to stop…I told him to back off…Fucking idiot wouldn’t listen…Shit…”

  Collapsing against the wall, I slid down and rested my arms on my knees and my head hung down. My heavy breathing was the only sound that could be heard in the room. First one, then another tear fell and landed on the floor.

  “What the hell have I done?” I say to the empty room, sucking in a breath.

  “Exactly what I asked for.”

  My head flew up and Eli stood leaning against the doorway. He didn’t smile. He didn’t smirk. He just looked at me with sad eyes. My head fell back against the wall and I broke down.

  “Eli, she was hurt for so long and so bad because of me.”

  “Carson, if you truly believe that you have control over someone else’s actions, then you are dumber than I thought.”

  “I had a gambling issue before. He was my bookie. When I got into trouble and dad almost found out, I stopped. It was hard, but I did and straightened out. It helped fighting and the better I got, the better I felt and the less I felt the urge to gamble. Then Alex approached me about throwing one of my important fights. He told me I wouldn’t like the consequences for letting him down and I did anyway and now…”

  “It isn’t your fault Curry.”

  My eyes flew open and there stood Kayla. She walked over and knelt down next to me and hugged me. The sadness I felt had me wanting to bawl my eyes out as I sat there in her arms. I was no baby or sissy boy, but my family was everything to me and my sister was hurt in the process of my shit and it kil
led me. Kayla held me tighter.

  “It wasn’t your fault, then or any of it now. He was the sick bastard that chose to do that. Plus remember he didn’t work alone. You didn’t offer me up as exchange so it has nothing to do with you. Honestly, I would have kicked your ass for going along with him even if I knew this would have happened if you didn’t. It was you who told me, we can’t let him win. Don’t let him win Curry. Please.”

  “I’m so sorry, Kay.” I looked up at my brother. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

  We all sat there and talked and I got a lot off my chest. Was it going to help with the rage and the guilt I felt…I don’t know. But I do know that I felt better telling them my past secret struggle. I pulled myself up off the floor of my gym and made my way to the showers.

  As I stood under the running water, my thoughts turned to the sexy as sin voice from last night. I know damn well I heard her today. If I only knew what she looked like, it might have been easier to have scanned that room. All I knew was her height. A follow-up call was in order, I thought when I glanced down at my hard-on just thinking about her.

  CHAPTER THREE

  ~COLLEEN~

  I know I heard him.

  All night last night, I thought about his voice. I thought about the way he described himself. But more importantly, I thought about our fantasy. It was insane. In all the years of being a phone sex operator, I have never had an attraction to any of the people calling in. This guy…I don’t know what it is about him, but he not only got my attention but he held it.

  Continuing to look around the room, I saw where the voice was coming from. Just as I spotted him, he was walking away, leaving his laughter trailing its way over to me and filling my ears. It was a sound I would never forget. For some odd reason, it turned me on just as much as his voice.

  What the hell was this guy, some kind of voodoo doctor?

  I focused back on the fund raiser. It was the first of four that I would be doing with Kayla Williams. I was hoping to add a fifth one to it if I could ever get up the courage to ask her about it.

  “Colleen?” I turned to see Kayla approaching me.

  “Hello again Kayla, is everything okay?” I tentatively asked.

  “Oh yes, everything’s terrific. I was just making sure that you were holding up okay. My brothers can be major handfuls.” She laughed.

  “I actually haven’t talked to any of your brothers. I’ve been making sure everything takes off okay and runs smoothly.” I opened my mouth to ask her about my idea, but stopped myself.

  “I don’t know how I could ever thank you for what you are helping me do here.” Kayla stared off for a minute with a sad smile.

  “It’s not a problem at all. Please you should still be recovering…” I trailed off as Kayla began to laugh.

  “Now you are starting to sound like my fiancé.” She laughed.

  “Are you talking about me again?” A handsome man wrapped his arms around Kayla and kissed her neck. He then looked up at me and smiled. “I’m Jason Gold.”

  “Colleen Austin, nice to meet you.” I responded in kind. “If you’ll excuse me.”

  They were so cute together, so happy. At one point in my life, I thought that that would be me. Deliriously happy and nothing could touch me. Not the case anymore. I’m smarter now. Wiser even. I knew now that just because the possibility was there doesn’t mean that it was possible for all people. My mom ruined that for me. She ruined everything for me. A mother was supposed to protect their child. Not my mother, no my mother killed me. Not literally of course, but some days I wish she would have.

  Being around everyone was becoming too hard. I made my way outside and stood near the fence that led to the dog park. Nothing was really registering with me. I wanted so bad to find a section in my life where my mom didn’t ruin it, but that hasn’t happened so far. Every time I turned around something reminded me of what I lost and what that loss cost me. The thing is that my loss wasn’t even because of me. It was forced on me because of my mother. How is it that the person who gave me life has also taken it away from me?

  God! I hate her! I truly HATE her! If she wasn’t already gone…

  Shaking my head, I hope to also shake out the ill mood that thoughts of her bring. Harriet Spring was not a woman that brought about a warm feeling. Whenever she came around I knew that something bad would be brought with it. When my dad told me that they were splitting and he wanted me to go with him, I didn’t hesitate. It wasn’t just because I was a daddy’s girl, but because I wasn’t stupid. I knew my mother was bad news, but I didn’t realize how bad until we ran and she found us the first time. I shuddered.

  “I know that shudder,” a voice from behind me spoke.

  I turned to find Kayla, standing there with a small smile on her face. There was another look that I knew all too well. It was sadness, but for the first time I don’t think it was for me. I think it was more for herself or maybe that we had common ground? I wasn’t sure.

  “I’m sorry. I just needed a moment.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You have done an amazing job. Take as long as you need. Would you like some company?”

  “Uh, sure.”

  Something told me that there was more to her wanting to keep me company; call it a gut feeling if you must. It was just a matter of waiting her out.

  “Colleen, can I ask you something?”

  And there we have it. It didn’t take as long as I thought it would.

  “Sure.”

  “How close to my story is yours?”

  “Not your extent and different things, but…”

  “I see,” she nodded her head slowly up and down. “I’m not going to push you to talk to me about anything, but please know that I am here if you want to talk.”

  “Talking only makes things worse.” I mumbled.

  “It does at first, but then there is that moment after that makes you realize that even though it was getting tougher and you were the reason so many are suffering, it was all worth it.” Kayla shrugged.

  “Forgive me, Kayla. I just don’t talk about it. I prefer to try and get away from it and bury it. But thank you for the offer.”

  “Well then how about a friend,” she asked.

  “A friend?”

  I haven’t had a friend in a long time. Everyone seemed to know my story, even though they didn’t know the full story, and judged me for what they thought happened. My mother left me with such a mess, but that was just like her. Mess up the bed, but depend on others to make it. Never since she had started Hunting us out, have I had a friend. Maybe it was something I needed. A moment with someone who had no idea my past and would help me focus on a future.

  “Yeah, I’d like that.” I smiled at her.

  “Great! As my first official duty as your friend, I want you to ask me about the benefit you want me to help with over lunch. What do you say?”

  I stood there staring at her for a moment. How could she possibly have known I wanted to do a benefit? It has only been a thought in my head and I wasn’t even sure I was going to say anything at all. Yet here she is opening a door to me, for something that could potentially save or help a lot of people. Even though this topic still had to be raw and painful for her, she was willing to do it.

  “How did you know?” I stammered.

  “Hun, you are all about helping people—both two and four legged—so I knew that all those times you started to say something, but stopped was something to do with that. I’m not offended. If I can help someone else, well then it would be worth opening up those wounds that haven’t fully healed.”

  All I could do was smile at her. If I had her strength, then maybe I wouldn’t be in this position now. I might be able to stand my ground and push aside all that was brought to me and show everyone it wasn’t me it was the evil woman I was unfortunate enough to call mother.

  Kayla and I walked out of the fundraiser, leaving Jason in charge and walked to a nearby café for lunch. We made idle chat about little
things while we waited for our food to arrive. I had ordered a salad and water. Kayla ordered a roast beef sub with lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, pickles, cucumbers, mayo, a bag of chips and some oatmeal raisin cookies. I wish I could eat like her and look as good as she does.

  We sat at a small table by the windows. The café was actually pretty small for the amount of business they were doing. Each table had four chairs around them, but the table was really only big enough for two people, but even that was pushing it. For such a small space, there seemed to be too many tables. Even though the size of the café was something to be desired, it still felt like sitting at home.

  “So, what did you have in mind for a benefit?”

  “Um, well, I had thought about starting a foundation in your name and use the money to fund shelters, treatment centers, hotlines and the like. It would give people options for getting out of their situations. Statistically, many do not speak out because they have no safe place to go. By starting the foundation and opening the shelter, it would allow them that option. It wouldn’t just be for rape victims, but any kinds of abuse. The shelters would be a safe haven both as an escape or living arrangements so they can get away from the beatings, yellings, cuttings…” I trailed off as a moment in my life began to play before me.

  “Daddy, no you can’t leave. I can’t be left with her. Can’t I go with you?”

  “Flower, I can’t take you to work with me tonight. They frown on eight year olds being in a bar.”

  My dad owned and ran a successful chain of ‘Austin’s Bar and Grill’. Tanner Austin was known by everyone in the alcohol business. He was friendly and treated his employees fairly. My dad was amazing, even if our home life was not even close to amazing.

  “I will stay out of the way, in my secret place. Please don’t leave me with her.” I cried.

  He stared at me with his loving, soft blue eyes. He knew what would happen to me when he left and she came home. It happened every single day.

  “I promise flower we will both get away from here. I have to go to work though honey. Remember what we talked about doing?”